CHAPTER FIVE
"Jacky, I think you may be right,” Kat said, plopping down next to her on the altar step. “You know, we were just talking about The Iliadat Susie’s house. Clearly our tragic deaths have happened and we’ve been thrown into some kind of literary hell. The next thing you know we’ll be sucked into a fucking Thomas Hardy book. ”
“Thomas Hardy? My god! The pain!” Jacky fanned herself furiously.
“Shit, I’m sorry I got you into this. Shtuping the TU quarterback definitely wasn’t worth it. ”
“Well, I knew having a white best friend would cause me some shit eventually. ” Jacky held her very slender, very white arm out despondently. “I just didn’t know it would be this bad. ”
“Again I would like to ask, what is so terrible about being white?” Athena said.
“Nothing, if you are white,” Jacky said. “But I’m not. ” She sighed. “Or at least I wasn’t before I went to hell. ”
“By Zeus’s beard they are exceedingly stubborn,” Athena said to Venus. “You didn’t tell us about that. ”
“I told you they’re different than ancient mortals. This is just part of it. ”
“Hello! Right here—in hell—with you,” Kat said. Then she turned to Jacky. “I wonder what they did to get sent to hell?”
“They’re gorgeous. Women that gorgeous are always pissing someone off,” Jacky said.
“Oh, yeah, you’re right. Forgot about that. ”
“Are they saying that we’ve angered people? We’re goddesses. We don’t anger people; they anger us,” Athena said. She gave Venus a severe look. “Tell them. ”
“Uh, we can hear you,” Jacky said.
“Jacqueline! Katrina! You are not in hell. Stop this nonsense at once. And ending the Trojan War won’t be that difficult. We already have a plan of action figured out for you,” Venus said.
“Hey, aren’t these the three goddesses who caused the whole Helen/Paris thing?” Jacky said. “You know, the wedding, the apple, the giving already-married Helen to Paris and whatnot. ”
“Huh. I think you’re right,” Kat said.
“Do you see how long that ridiculous rumor has lasted?” Venus told Hera. Then she turned back to the two mortals. “That is exactly why we’ve had enough of the Trojan War. We”—she gestured at Athena and Hera—“did not start this war, and we’re sick and tired of being blamed for it. ”
“So typical for that wretched Agamemnon to blame others,” Hera muttered.
“What Venus, Hera and I have decided is that this war has gone on far too long. We want it stopped. Now,” Athena said.
“And why do ya think Kat and I could help you with that?” Jacky asked.
“Yeah, sounds like you need to zap some scientists here so they could whip up a lovely weapon or two of mass destruction—”
“As if those can actually ever be found,” Jacky input.
“As if,” Kat agreed. “But if you’re thinking we can do something like that you’ve definitely got us mixed up with someone else. ”
“Hey, and bringing modern weapons to the ancient world sounds like it’d be messin’ with the Prime Directive or somethin’,” Jacky said.
“God, you are such a dork,” Kat said. “This is hell, not Star Trek. Although the two do have some odd similarities. ”
“See, it’s blasphemy like that that got you in this situation. ”
“Achilles!” Venus blurted. Both mortals turned questioning looks on her. “Achilles is the key to the war going on and on. If he and his Myrmidons withdraw from the battlefield the Greeks won’t be able to sustain the siege of Troy. They’ll lose heart and go home where they belong. ”
“Again, not understanding what this has to do with us,” Kat said.
“Actually, it has to do with you, Katrina,” Hera said, though she gave Jacky an apologetic look. “Your friend is here because Venus didn’t think the two of you would want to be separated. ”
“I told you so!” Jacky said.
“Shit,” Kat said. “I need a drink. ”
“Excellent idea. ” Venus looked around the chamber until she spied Eleithyia where she was sitting wide-eyed in a dark alcove. “Darling, would you get us all some wine. It is a rather long story. ” The little priestess darted from the room and Venus drew a deep breath. “Now, let me explain everything to you…”
"No way is that plan gonna work,” Jacky said.
“Of course it will work,” Venus said.
“Come on, get serious. Who ever heard of a therapist saving the world? That didn’t even happen in Buffy,” Jacky said.
“What is a buffy?” Athena asked.
“I’m starting to believe this might not be hell,” Kat said. “You know they know who Buffy is in hell. ”
“You have a point,” Jacky said. “By the by, may I just mention that your Buffy comment is every bit as dorky as my love for Star Trek. ”
“No, you up dork me because you’re into both of them. ”
“I wasn’t until Spike got all delicious with that nasty sex. God, I’d really like to make him pop like a champagne cork,” Jacky said.
“What is a buffy?” Athena asked Venus again.
Venus shrugged. “You can’t expect me to know everything about modern mortals. ” The goddess took a long, fortifying drink of wine before continuing. “Kat, will you help us with our plan?”
Katrina chewed her bottom lip. “Basically you want me to do a super-duper counseling session with Achilles to help him control his rage while I keep him from fighting. ”
“Sounds like they want you to do a super-duper shtuping session with him, too,” Jacky said.
Venus ignored her. “As I explained, Thetis, the mother of Achilles, has already put into motion his withdrawal from the battlefield. ”
“Because his woman, uh Briseis, was taken away from him. And you want me to take her place. ”
“Yes,” Venus said.
“Whose place am I taking?” Jacky asked.
“No one’s, darling,” Venus said. “You are simply Polyxena’s maidservant. ”
“Oh, Jesus fucking everlasting god. I almost forgot. Where is that little wine girl? I definitely need a refill. ”
Eleithyia hurried to top off Jacky’s goblet.
“Answer me this, Goddess of Love,” Kat said while Jacky drank. “Achilles’ woman just got taken away from him. If that pissed him off enough that he was willing to stop fighting why in the world would you believe that he’d be interested in moving on to another woman? I mean, it sounds like he had a thing for the old one. ”
“It wasn’t a love relationship,” Venus said. “Achilles’ pride was hurt by Briseis being taken, not his heart. ”
“How can you be so sure?” Jacky asked.
“Agamemnon told me that Briseis’s beauty was wasted on Achilles,” Hera said.
“Great. Kat, he’s gay,” Jacky said.
“Gay?” Athena looked utterly confused.
“Achilles is not gay,” Venus said.
“Gay?” Athena repeated, tapping her foot in annoyance.
“It means he only shtups other men,” Jacky explained.
“Shtups means fu—”
“I understand what that means,” Athena said. “And I agree with Venus. Achilles is not gay. But he hasn’t taken a lover in many years, so Briseis was definitely not his lover. ”
“How do you know that?” Venus said.
“His mother told me,” Athena said.
“Why no lover?” Kat asked.
“Oh, that’s easy to explain,” Athena said. “He frightens maidens. ”
“Why?” Jacky asked, looking more than a little alarmed.
“The berserker rage scares them. Apparently it comes upon him when a passionate emotion is aroused—be it lust or anger,” Athena said.
“Yes, and maidens from the ancient world are not equipped to handle such a man, but I know
that modern mortal women are different—stronger, smarter, more independent. Also, I heard you say that you counsel men as part of your living. That’s why I chose you. ” Venus finished with a big smile for Kat.
“Well, it’s not just men I counsel. Actually it’s mostly couples whose marriages are in trouble. ”
Venus waved her hands dismissively. “It’s all the same. I also heard you described as very optimistic. And you said that you like men. See, you’re perfect for this job. ”
“And she says she wasn’t spying on you,” Jacky said.
Athena suddenly added, “Thetis mentioned something about Achilles’ horribly scarred visage frightening maidens, too. ”
“I didn’t know Achilles was scarred,” Venus said.
“Neither did I,” Hera said.
Athena shrugged. “Apparently they’re battle scars. Thetis said the berserker rage hasn’t always come upon him easily. ”
“Well, that could be a good thing. It shows that he needs a trigger to make it happen. If I can get him to identify the trigger, then maybe he can disarm it,” Kat said. “Sounds like Anger Management 101. ”
“Interesting… You do not seem troubled by the fact that he is scarred,” Athena said.
Jacky answered before Kat could. “As Venus keeps tellin’ you, modern women are different. It takes more than a few scars to put us off. ”
“I’d like to think that I have the ability to see beyond the physical,” Kat said.
“Ditto,” Jacky said. Then she pointed down at her body. “Present company excepted. God, do I have to be wearing pink? I hate pink. ”
“It looks good on you, though. You really are very pretty, Jacky,” Kat said.
“Pretty white,” Jacky muttered.
“No, really. Is there a mirror around here?” she asked Venus.
“Eleithyia, darling, could you bring us a lovely looking glass?”
The priestess hurried off and returned quickly with a medium-sized round mirror, framed in bronze. Kat took it from her and held it so Jacky could look at herself.
“See?”
Jacky’s eyes got huge. Her hands went up to her hair. “My dear sweet baby Jesus, I have tresses. Long, flowing, curling, blond tresses. ”
“They’re pretty,” Kat said.
“They’re fucking overwhelming. You know I have not one clue how to take care of white girl hair. Especially not this much white girl hair. ”
“Oh, darling, don’t worry yourself about that. I can help you. I’m an expert. ” Venus shook back her head, causing her own amazing tresses to bounce and shimmer.
“I’m not in hell. I’m trapped in a romance novel,” Jacky said. Then she leaned closer to the mirror. “And my eyes are absolutely sky blue. ”
“Well, look at it like this,” Kat said. “If we’re trapped in a romance novel that means we’re going to be having sex. Probably lots of sex. ”
“Think so?” Jacky said hopefully. “It’d be nice if it was an erotica novel. ”
“One can only hope,” Kat said. Then she took a deep breath and turned the mirror so she could look at herself. “Oh!” Slowly, she touched her face. “Holy shit, how old am I? I look like a teenager. ”
“And you, too, have some tresses,” Jacky said. “Although they’re black, and not as stunning as mine. ”
“I thought black was good,” Athena said.
“I’ll never understand them,” Hera whispered.
“Seriously, how old was Polyxena?” Kat asked, still staring at herself.
“I believe she was approaching eighteen summers,” Hera said. “Prime marrying age, which is why she was here petitioning my aid. She wanted to be betrothed to the King of Sardis. ”
“Good god, eighteen! That’s way too young,” Kat said.
“You are unmarried, are you not, Katrina?” Hera asked politely.
“Totally unmarried,” Kat said.
“Me too,” Jacky said.
“And how old were the two of you?” Hera said.
“I’m thirty-six,” Kat said. “Or at least I was. ”
“You’re such a baby, Kat. I’m thirty-eight,” Jacky told Hera. Then she frowned and stuck her face close to Kat’s so she could look at her reflection again. “Huh. I look young, too. No way are we even twenty. ”
“Spinsters?” Hera said, clearly appalled. “You chose spinsters?”
“As I have said more times than I should have had to: Modern mortal women are different,” Venus said.
Reflected in the mirror, Jacky’s and Kat’s gazes met.
“Unattractive old spinster,” Kat said.
“Dried up old hag,” Jacky said.
And both women burst into gales of laughter.