“Tristan,” she said simply and the lump lodged in my throat that had been steadily making it harder to swallow grew exponentially larger and then dropped like a boulder into the pit of my stomach. “We never enforced boundaries between you two, or discouraged any feelings that we might have noticed developing between you. It’s just that, well honestly, we assumed that once you met Seth, whatever feelings that had blossomed between the two of you would dissipate. And you weren’t supposed to meet Seth for years yet. Honestly, Stella, we didn’t know you’re feelings for Tristan were so deep and Seth is your intended, the Elders themselves matched the two of you….” she trailed off, her eyes pleading with me to understand. I had never heard my mother ramble before. Ever. The sound of her nervous energy lacing words I was having trouble understanding shook me.
I wanted to reassure my mom that whatever weirdness was happening between Tristan and I had absolutely nothing to do with deep seeded and forbidden feelings between us. But instead of quickly explaining away her fears, my mouth kind of just fell open and I sat in stunned silence, realizing my mom and dad had actually expected me to fall head over heels in love with Seth the moment he walked into my life.
A flare of treacherous rebellion flared deep in my belly. I didn’t want to fall in love with someone because I was supposed to or told to or stop every emotion and feeling I had because someone else had decided my future.
I had been born for a specific purpose and even gifted my life on Earth with expectations for a future. But suddenly I wasn’t sure what my love life had to do with any of it.
I knew these were awful thoughts. And in the back of my head, I hoped they would disappear. Stars married Angels. That was the way things worked. Seth was my counterpart in every way; he would complement me in every way. We would protect Earth together.
I just wanted our relationship to feel natural and not forced.
And I especially wanted to forget about Tristan.
No. I needed to forget about Tristan.
“Mom, you have nothing to worry about,” I promised, hoping to alleviate as many of my own fears as hers. “Tristan and I have always been just friends. You might not have given us boundaries, but we have them, believe me. And neither one of us plans on crossing them anytime soon.” I gnawed on my bottom lip, hoping I at least sounded confident. My internal organs had started to rearrange themselves into compactly wound knots, and the nape of my neck prickled sharply with heat.
“We trust you both, Stella,” my mom answered, sounding more parental than her apology had allowed for. “We know how hard you and Tristan have worked to maintain a platonic relationship. You both have respected your future amazingly well, and we applaud you for that.” She smiled sadly at me and that’s when I felt the “but” coming. “But, up until now Tristan hasn’t had any competition. Your father and I are concerned for how Seth’s presence could amplify feelings between the two of you. Already things are clearly strained between you; we just don’t want to see you lose sight of every other important thing.”
I breathed in slowly, thankful she had at least acknowledged what was happening between Tristan and me as important. Although why I needed her to believe whatever was there was real, while I continued to willfully deny every bit of concrete evidence was beyond me. I bit harder into my lip, letting her words float around me for a while before opening up completely to them and letting them settle concretely into me.
“You’re right about Seth,” I admitted, relaxing into the truth. “He has definitely stirred up feelings I don’t think neither Tristan nor I were prepared to face. And I think they caught us both off guard. But please don’t worry, we both know what’s at stake and we aren’t willing to jeopardize the entire human race because of jealousy or curiosity or…. a mutual past. Plus, I value Tristan’s friendship way too much to hurt him or Seth.”
My mom smiled at me for a few moments, her sparkling blue eyes softening into relaxed ease. “Annabelle was exactly what we needed when you were a baby. Actually, she still is what you need half the time. Tristan and the entire Shields family came along with her into our lives and I have never once regretted the day that you and Tristan became friends. And even though I regret not treating your relationship with the caution and care that I probably should have, I will never regret the bond you two have developed after all of these years. Tristan is the reason we are here, the reason we fight a never-ending battle. Well, not just Tristan, but you know what I mean. Your job, your future…. your life, will never get easier, and never let you feel victory for very long. You need to remember why you gave up Heaven and an army to fight with, to protect this planet alone. And Tristan and Piper, Annabelle and everyone else that you’ve come to love along the way are like hundreds of lighthouses, sending out their beacons when the night is too dark for you to see straight or the Darkness swallows everything else around you whole. You will have those beacons of hope and love, of goodness and fragility to light your way, to remind you of why you will never give up this fight.”
I smiled at my mom when she finished. Her words had gone from piercing through me, to exposing those parts of my soul I thought I hid from everyone so well to comforting me and reminding me of everything I lived for. They soothed the open wound that was Tristan Shields and helped suture the raw vulnerability that made my soul feel as though it were torn in half.
With my mother’s reminder I could remember my purpose, remember that this life was not my own and that I served a greater purpose.
She walked over and gave me a kiss on the top of the head. “Stella, if you ever need to talk about…. this, I’m here for you baby girl. You can talk to me about anything.”
“I know mom, I will,” I promised. She left me, closing the door behind her.
With the click of the lock I sunk back onto my bed, my head flopping heavily onto my pillow. I felt suffocated and deflated; even if it helped that my mom had seen through my pathetic attempts to hide my feelings. I knew there was more to my life than an impossible relationship that didn’t even exist.
But even with that knowledge I knew I had a battle in front of me.
And this war I would have to wage would not be against the Darkness threatening to extinguish every last bit of light from this world.
It would be against my own treacherous heart.
----
The frantic beating of my heart and the inability to breath forced me awake, gasping for oxygen, somewhere in the emptiness of the night. I shot out of bed, slipping into sweatpants and tennis shoes before my brain registered what I was doing or why I was doing it. I pulled my head through a long-sleeved running shirt and burst through my bedroom door, my hands pulling my hair into a bun on the nape of my neck without my feet slowing down.
I was through the door and flying across empty, snow covered fields before I realized I probably should have warned my parents I was on a mission. The frozen landscape was a blur beneath me, and the cold air rushed around me, whooshing against my ears and assaulting my face, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered until I could reach my target.
Seth.
His face reverberated through my brain in a panicked, heart stopping haze. I couldn’t say if I dreamt that he was in trouble, or simply woke up with the intuitive knowledge that he was in lethal danger. My instincts had kicked in, forcing me to act while my brain tried to catch up with what was happening.
I arrived at the small farm Jupiter and Seth rented in less than a minute, having catapulted from my house to his in a blur of light that would have sent spectators calling the Department of Defense or the local news with reports of alien activity. The small, box of a ranch house was dark and silent, void of activity or obvious danger. I paused in the gravel drive, letting my body continue to drive my actions. I listened, I looked, I felt out for the evil I knew lurked close by.
The Darkness was heavy, weighing down the air around me, seeping into every molecule of oxygen, clutching the very air around me. I sucked in a breath, fighting through
the suffocating and oppressive evil as it waged some silent war against Seth. I paused for only a second to confirm that he was in fact in danger before bursting through the dead-bolted door and letting my connection with Seth lead me directly to his room. My glowing body lit up the darkened house, casting my silhouette in exaggerated shadows on every wall. I shuddered at the distorted image of myself and forced my eyes to continue scanning every corner, ever hidden place trying to find the evil that meant my Counterpart harm.
Seth had jumped at my entrance, flipping over from his sleeping position on his stomach to stare up at me wide-eyed. I didn’t bother explaining my presence until I had sufficiently confirmed there was no one here, nothing lurking, nothing waging war…. just nothing. Seth had been sleeping peacefully, undisturbed and out of danger, and yet the clawing feeling at my neck refused to soften. A chilling tingle rippled down my spine and I knew I hadn’t imagined the threat.
Something was here.
Or had been here….
Or….
I didn’t really know anymore. I let out a frustrated sigh and sat down heavily at the end of Seth’s bed.
“Are you Ok?” I breathed, panting heavily from my effort to swoop in and save a perfectly fine, sleeping Angel.
“I’m fine,” he half-laughed. “Are you Ok?” He propped himself up on his elbows and his eyes swept over me before settling into mine with a burning gaze that seemed to see directly through me, straight to the clutching fear that was settling in my chest. What was wrong with me? Was I just overly paranoid?
Or was I seriously losing my mind?
“I don’t know,” I sighed, embarrassed of how shaken I still was. I let my eyes float over Seth’s perfect, chiseled face as he smiled adorably up at me. His amber eyes were glowing with comfortable affection, his hair tussled and mussed from sleep, curling at the ends more than usual. His skin was perfect, clear and golden all the way from his dimpled cheeks to his carved abs that stood out even in the darkness of the room.
Without realizing what I was doing, I brushed my hand gently along the lines of his abdominal muscles, letting the hardness of pure muscle tone flex beneath my fingers. I blushed into a deeper glow, removing my hand quickly and apologetically meeting Seth’s eyes. He stared back at me, more amused than ever, but there was something deeper behind his obvious entertainment, something I wasn’t quite ready to investigate yet.
“Sorry,” I laughed, trying to lighten the sudden tension between us. “I was just making sure they were, uh, real.”
Seth smiled wider, disarming me with his charming, boyish grin. He sat up fully then, leaning forward and cupping my jaw with his strong, calloused hand. “Stella, what are you doing here? Seriously, are you Ok?”
I wasn’t expecting the gentleness of his tone and felt my face heat beneath his hand, realizing he might actually start to believe I was as crazy as I felt.
“I had this dream…. I mean, I’m pretty sure it was a dream now that I think about it, even though I can’t really remember that much about it now….” I rambled, trying to distinguish what had exactly happened and what it was that made me rush over here. “To be honest, I don’t know what I’m doing here. I woke up and I just knew you were in trouble. I could feel you Seth, your agony, your fear…. And I could feel the Darkness here. What may have started as a dream…. a dream I can’t remember at all…. turned into real fear when I woke up and believed it was actually happening to you. I rushed over here, prepared to save your life when I got here. Except, when I got here, you weren’t being attacked by hordes of Shadow minions, you were just sleeping. But I felt it everywhere, I felt the Darkness everywhere, Seth. I was so scared, even when I got here. The air was so thick with evil…. I have honestly never been more scared in my life. I was positive you were in trouble. I mean, I was so sure.” I finished feeling exhausted and deflated. I just wanted everything to make sense. There were so many changes happening in my life, so many different things I needed to adjust to I didn’t really want to deal with being crazy right now.
I just wanted to fight the Darkness. Completely sane and with all my mental faculties completely intact.
Why did that feel so unattainable?
“Oh, Stel,” Seth sighed sympathetically, pulling me into his arms. I leaned against him as he wrapped his strong arms around me and held me tightly against his chest. “So what you’re telling me is that all I have to do to get you into my bed at night is pretend to be in danger?”
I snapped my head up, not expecting his joke. He smiled down at me in a way that let me know he was joking so I slapped his bicep, pretending to be very offended. He just chuckled, dipping his head into the crook of my neck and holding me tighter.
“We are going to figure this out,” he whispered, his breath hot against my already heated skin. “You’re not crazy, and there’s nothing wrong with you so stop thinking those thoughts right now.”
My shoulders trembled from the seriousness of his tone and I desperately tried to obey him. But how could I believe there was nothing wrong with me when the walls of my sanity seemed to continue to crumble.
“Seth? Where are you?” Jupiter’s sharp voice called from somewhere else in the house. “Are you Ok?”
“I’m in here, I’m fine,” he called back. He adjusted us on his bed so that I wasn’t curled completely into him and we were sitting side by side instead of me basically in his lap.
I heard Jupiter making his way through the small house to Seth’s room, but got distracted when I noticed Seth reaching down to pull sweatpants over his bare calves and thighs and oh dear lord…. boxer briefs.
I quickly turned my head, shielding my face with a hand over my eyes. Unfortunately Jupiter entered the room at the exact moment Seth was pulling his gray pants over his waist.
“Oh,” Jupiter grunted suddenly making this whole situation extremely uncomfortable. “Uh, sorry, I didn’t mean to, uh…. I was just wondering what happened to the front door?”
“This isn’t what it looks like!” I blurted, standing up and putting distance between Seth and me. “I was just worried about Seth and I needed to make sure he was Ok!”
“So worried you had to break my front door?” Jupiter accused, but his mercury eyes blazed with something I could almost define as humor for just a second before settling back to irritation.
“She felt the Darkness again,” Seth explained solemnly. I wasn’t exactly prepared to share everything with Jupiter, although I knew that I should. Mostly I just wanted to forget this night ever happened and I would have stayed in bed where I belonged.
“You felt it here?” Jupiter questioned, his bushy eyebrows drawn together in concern making it look like he had a long, white, fuzzy caterpillar crawling across his forehead. “You mean with Seth?” Jupiter clarified and suddenly I didn’t feel so crazy or wrong, suddenly I felt like Jupiter might understand me. But he didn’t say anything more; he didn’t even attempt to alleviate my fears. He just continued to look between us.
“Where are you coming from?” Seth broke the silence, noting Jupiter’s worn leather jacket and brown loafers that had tracked in snow.
“I met Serena and Nate earlier tonight, they were having issues down in Rio. They called for backup, and I decided to go and let you two rest,” he explained, his eyes flicking over the room as if continuing to search for the evil we had all decided wasn’t there to begin with.
“Thank you,” I offered politely and then clarified, “for letting us get a full night’s sleep. Or at least attempting to let us….”
Jupiter grunted off my thanks and explained, “It was more for me. I haven’t been in a good fight in a while and was feeling antsy. I needed a good workout.”
I nodded, not knowing how else to reply. I wasn’t at all surprised that Jupiter liked to get his hands dirty so to speak. I was actually more surprised that he reasoned it away by giving us a good night’s sleep. I really didn’t think he thought about those kinds of things.
“Did you fly here?”
Jupiter asked gruffly and rather randomly.
“Uh, yes.” I stammered, not sure if my truthful admission was about to get me into trouble. “I was in a hurry. Jupiter I really thought Seth was in big trouble, otherwise I wouldn’t have come. I’m sorry about your front door.” I finished meekly; realizing polite knocking would have been just as efficient tonight.
“The door can be fixed,” Jupiter ignored my apology, waving it away with his hand. “Seth, why don’t you drive Stella home? We don’t want to draw any unnecessary attention. I’m sure her parents are worried about her by now anyway. I’m just assuming they don’t know where you are since they aren’t here with you.”
I met Jupiter’s steely gaze and shook my head. “No, they were asleep when I left. They probably have no idea where I am.”
“If this happens again, Stella, your parents would be fantastic help. You need to bring them with you next time, not leave them home alone to worry about your safety,” Jupiter explained and I nodded my head slowly letting the realization that he was right sink in. I had no idea why I didn’t pause long enough to at least let my parents know where I was headed, let alone invite them to come along with me. Worst case scenario I could have taken off just a few minutes before they had and let them catch back up with me after I had engaged in the fight.
“Next time I will,” I promised, shaking my head wearily.
“Seth, go ahead, drive Stella home,” Jupiter suggested again.
I stood up and tried to straighten my posture, but my shoulders slumped in defeat. “Sorry to ruin your night with my crazy,” I offered, feeling on the verge of tears.
Jupiter caught my bicep in a firm grip as I moved toward where he stood in the doorway. “Nobody thinks you’re crazy, Stella. Something is going on, we don’t know what yet and it obviously doesn’t make sense. But something is going on and we are going to get to the bottom of it.” I gulped back the lump in my throat, hearing the solid tone to Jupiter’s confidence and conviction. His beliefs were rooted behind his words and it was hard to think less of myself when my weapon’s trainer held such faith in me.