Leesie327 says: You have to be willing to let yourself feel it. Are you ready to feel again?
liv2div says: I love you…I feel that so much I’m freaking nuts
Leesie327 says: That’s part of the problem. How will I ever know if you’re saying “yes” just to get me to?
liv2div says: you’ll have to trust me…believe me
Leesie327 says: But maybe you’ll think you believe, but it’s just to please me.
liv2div says: I don’t know…you’re the expert on this crap
Leesie327 says: It’s supposed to work. It’ll have to work.
liv2div says: even if it doesn’t work for me, I won’t ever come between you and your faith…I love that part of you as much as the rest of you
Leesie327 says: Don’t get angry, okay?
liv2div says: what?
Leesie327 says: I can’t do this online.
liv2div says: we’ve done everything else online
Leesie327 says: Okay. Don’t hate me. Promise?
liv2div says: you can’t say anything that will make me hate you
Leesie327 says: I have before. What’s different now?
liv2div says: all this time without you…the hope of having you all my life…every passing day that gets more and more real
Leesie327 says: That makes what I’m going to say so much worse.
liv2div says: just tell me already
Leesie327 says: Unless it works for you—unless you believe—we can’t ever get married.
liv2div says: serious? I HAVE to become a Mormon…what will they do to you?
Leesie327 says: They won’t do anything. Remember when I talked about forever? Wanting to love you that long?
liv2div says: it’s just talk, babe…sexy, romantic ideas that make me love you more… but just words
Leesie327 says: Not for me. I’ve got to worry about the next life. What happens to us? What happens to our kids?
liv2div says: Can’t we focus on this life? We’ll be incredible together.
Leesie327 says: I could be awful at it.
liv2div says: the only way you could be awful is if I didn’t do my part right…I’m good at my part, Leese
Leesie327 says: Shhh, don’t remind me that you’ve been with all those other girls. I hate that.
liv2div says: trust me, you’ll thank them…neither of us will want to leave that sailboat
Leesie327 says: maybe they should have taught you some humility
liv2div says: resistance is futile…you belong to me
Leesie327 says: Physically? What about spiritually?
liv2div says: getting physical with me is a spiritual experience
Leesie327 says: Get serious for a second. I need a man who holds God’s priesthood who will take me to the temple and marry me for eternity. Be that for me.
liv2div says: how can I ever possibly be that?
Leesie327 says: You can. God changes you. You just have to ask.
liv2div says: it’s too much…I can’t be like your dad
Leesie327 says: No. You can do it. My mom did. I know you can.
liv2div says: can’t we get married and be happy? that’s YOUR rule…isn’t love enough?
Leesie327 says: You already know the answer to that.
liv2div says: marry me, Leesie
Leesie327 says: You have to stop asking me.
liv2div says: marry me, marry me, marry me
Leesie327 says: Please, Michael, stop. “No” hurts too much.
LEESIE’S MOST PRIVATE CHAPBOOK
POEM # 53, YES
Tawni’s snoozing so
I can’t meltdown:
I’d die if she caught
me sobbing in my pillow.
I grab my old fringed-up jacket,
the one Michael loved,
the suede still stained
from stumbling home in the blizzard
after our crazy night fight in the sow barn,
despite all the cash I dropped at the cleaners,
and creep out the back door,
hugging the leather across my heart,
twisting the fringe he fingered,
and walk along, following
the lights shining on the hill.
Why can’t we sever the link?
Reboot our lives in rhythm with reality?
Why does this feeling survive
every resetting? What power feeds it?
How can it keep growing in this thorny bed?
I don’t want to say, “no.”
I hate saying, “no.”
Yes, Michael. Yes. Yes. Yes.
The temple garden gate locks me out.
I turn and creep along the fence, peering
through the bars. The poor Provo Temple.
70s architecture, flat and round, glowing white
in the night. Not the majesty of DC or the history
of Salt Lake. Not even the pretty romance
of my own tiny temple in Spokane.
Workhorse. Busiest one in the world.
It draws me tonight and sings
a soothing song:
You’ll make it.
He’ll make it.
It won’t be easy.
You’ll need all your strength
And his.
And Mine.
I catch the melody.
Enfold it to my heart.
Sing it to myself as the tears
on my cheeks dry
in the high desert breeze
that blows life into me again.
Chapter 9
FAITHFUL
MICHAEL’S DIVE LOG—VOLUME #10
DIVE BUDDY: solo
DATE: 10/19
DIVE #:—
LOCATION: Khoa Lak
DIVE SITE: rice shack
WEATHER CONDITION: cloudy
WATER CONDITION: swells
DEPTH: over my head
VISIBILITY: crystal
WATER TEMP.: unchanged
BOTTOM TIME: 60 minutes
COMMENTS:
She signed off. Left me. I’m not through with this. I’ve got another hour I can steal Wi-Fi before Claude shows for dinner. I don’t know when I’ll get online again this week with all the freaking junk I have to get done for my Captain’s papers. I need Leesie to know I’m not going anywhere.
I won’t be drowning my sorrows in easy Thai flesh.
I’m not wandering down to the beach to get off on that big-breasted German girl who was frolicking in the waves yesterday.
I won’t ask this little waitress for her number.
I’m Leesie’s. She’s stuck.
I start an email, but it sucks. I’ve given her all the promises I can. I trash it and start surfing for laptops. Load up my basket with tip-top stuff. Throw in a new cell, too. With an international plan billed to me.
Amazing what you can do on the net.
Hope she gets the message.
LEESIE’S MOST PRIVATE CHAPBOOK
POEM # 54, EXPRESS DELIVERY
The bell tower chimes six
when I open the door.
No cooking smells tickle my nose.
No jabbering, no laughter, no high-pitched
voices defending their turf.
All five roomies sit round the table
Not eating—staring
at the white and orange express box
addressed to me.
Tawni’s eyebrows arch.
“You’ve been holding out on us.”
Dayla leans into defense. “I told
you it’s just from her parents or a grandpa.”
“Open it, Leesie,” the rest of them squeak.
“We’re all dying here.” Cadence hands me a dull steak knife.
I saw open the clear, plastic invoice pouch
pluck out the papers.
There’s a message at the bottom:
I need to keep you close.
Tawni snatches it and reads it out loud. “Hello,
&nbs
p; Miss Righteous, what’s this about?”
“It’s Michael. My boyfriend.”
Tawni frowns. “You don’t have a boyfriend.”
I swallow and blink. “We’re together again.”
Roxi jumps up. “When do we get to meet him?”
Lily glares at me. “Do you owe us ice cream? Brownies?”
How they’d flip if I said it was banana splits.
I start sawing at box tape. “Maybe he’s hiding in here.”
I slit the tape—my knife gets gummed up—
switch to scissors that can’t slice fast enough,
drop them, and tear it open.
Pandora yields her secrets:
Shiny white laptop.
A monitor too big for my desk.
Ergonomic keyboard.
Wireless mouse.
Back-up dream thing.
And a magical phone.
I’m trying so hard not to snivel.
Who knew computer hardware
could be so devastatingly romantic?
“So your boyfriend’s loaded.”
Tawni’s comment, of course.
“Long story. I’m hungry.”
Roxi shakes her head. “Pizza.
We ordered. Start talking.”
Feels good to spill it.
Air the cupboards of my heart.
Explain the ache in his eyes that first
time he caught me staring.
Remember how he asked to kiss me—
how he wanted so much more.
“Not a member?” Dayla sees it right away.
I shake my head.
Roxi pats my hand. “Tough deal.”
“What’s the plan?” they chorus.
“Give him a chance—as long as it takes.
He’s been through so much. Still needs me.”
“Dangerous.”
“I know.”
“You could end up—”
“I know.”
“What are you going to do?”
A glance, a shrug, then a smile explodes my face.
“Fire up this baby and see if he’s waiting.
Anybody know what day it is in Thailand?”
LEESIE HUNT / CHATSPOT LOG / 10/2 12:15 AM
Leesie327 says: Hey, bro!
gr8phil says: Is this all you ever do? You are psycho.
Leesie327 says: How’s it going with your Coeur d’Alene angel?
gr8phil says: Krystal. I think I’m in love.
Leesie327 says: That was fast. What about her?
gr8phil says: When it’s right, it’s right. We are the perfect couple.
Leesie327 says: Excuse me while I go throw up.
gr8phil says: You’re just jealous.
Leesie327 says: That’s kind of creepy.
gr8phil says: No. GROSS…you’re jealous because I fell in love with the right person.
Leesie327 says: Do you even know what love is?
gr8phil says: Of course. What are you now? The emotion police?
Leesie327 says: Prove it.
gr8phil says: It hurts to be away from her. Physically hurts.
Leesie327 says: Sounds like lust to me.
gr8phil says: Stomp my soul in the dirt why don’t ya.
Leesie327 says: Calling like I see it.
gr8phil says: You have no idea what it’s like to be a guy with testosterone pumping sex to your brain every six seconds. All guys know lust. All the time. Even us righteous ones. Crap. This is NOT lust.
Leesie327 says: Okay. Sorry. I can’t get my head around my baby brother being in love.
gr8phil says: I’m fifteen months younger than you… not a baby…speaking of love…have you heard from Jaron lately?
Leesie327 says: Why is everyone asking me about him these days. I’m back with Michael. You should see what he sent me. Oh, cool. I’ll take a picture of it and email you.
gr8phil says: Won’t Jaron be home soon?
Leesie327 says: I think he’s got another six months… he’ll be back next spring some time.
gr8phil says: That’ll be good for you. Get Michael out of your head.
Leesie327 says: Aaaaargh…Jaron and I are just friends.
gr8phil says: What if he wanted to be more?
Leesie327 says: Stop it.
gr8phil says: You always liked him.
Leesie327 says: Maybe, but I didn’t let myself go there. He didn’t like me. Now? I’m not that girl anymore.
gr8phil says: You’d be good together.
Leesie327 says: Michael’s going to surprise you. He’ll get baptized. I’m sure he will.
gr8phil says: That would be cool for him, but he won’t ever be strong as Jaron.
Leesie327 says: It’s not like it’s a race.
gr8phil says: Flip, Leesie. It’s your life.
Leesie327 says: Right. MY life.
gr8phil says: I got to get some sleep. We’re putting in the winter wheat in the morning. It’s me and my tractor at 5 AM.
Leesie327 says: You and your tractor, gosh. Remember that first tractor driving lesson dad gave us? You were amazing…born to drive that thing.
gr8phil says: You sucked.
Leesie327 says: I was just twelve.
gr8phil says: I was eleven.
Leesie327 says: Remember how hard it rained&x2014;after?
gr8phil says: We were soaked, and you made me get out the bikes.
Leesie327 says: You went along with it.
gr8phil says: I went along with anything you said back then.
Leesie327 says: We were a muddy mess, but it was…
gr8phil says: The best time I ever had.
Leesie327 says: Yeah.
gr8phil says: Yeah.
Leesie327 says: I’m glad you’re happy…don’t break Krystal’s heart.
gr8phil says: Impossible.
LEESIE’S MOST PRIVATE CHAPBOOK
POEM #55, THE BEST TIME I EVER HAD
(title credit: Phil the Pill Philip Aaron Hunt, my brother)
Wet bike wheels sped silent
down the dirt road past the grain elevator
slicked into a mud speedway complete with
jumps, bumps and water obstructions.
We flew round and round the loop
up and down the lane
my shins slick with rain and mud,
toes pickling in smelly sneakers,
hair streaming muddy water into my eyes,
down my neck.
You in the lead, howling with laughter
at my washboarded shrieks across the ruts—
reverb hysteria that kept the laughter peeling
with the thunder and biblical deluge.
Our feet pushed the pedals faster and faster,
together.
On and on, together.
Not wanting this moment of life to pass
into shadows, misunderstanding,
sharp edges that won’t know
round and round, racing and laughing
until the cold, the storm, the thunder bolts
win.
Chapter 10
CONNECTIONS
MICHAEL’S DIVE LOG—VOLUME #10
DIVE BUDDY: Leesie
DATE: 1/23
DIVE #: 1 on my cell
LOCATION: Tap Lamu
DIVE SITE: Queen Nautica
WEATHER CONDITION: sunny
WATER CONDITION: flat
DEPTH: bottomless
VISIBILITY: forever
WATER TEMP.: steamy
BOTTOM TIME: 37 minutes
COMMENTS:
I passed off my license. Captain Mike. How does that sound? Pretty freaking amazing.
Doesn’t compare, though to flipping open my cell, watching for a signal as the launch glides alongside the dock, seeing those happy bars dancing on the screen, and punching numbers. It rings ten times and goes to her voice mail.
I almost chuck my new cell phone into the bay. I’m so stupid. I bought Leesie a cell, but I didn’t
have one that worked here.
I managed to get to the internet a couple times coming and going, getting my papers signed off. I found her waiting up for me Wednesday at, freak, it must have been three, oozing with delight over my high-tech engagement present. She doesn’t know that’s what it was. I need to start looking for diamonds. She’ll get that for sure.
She’s strangely calm. Confident. In me? I don’t know. Maybe in her God’s ability to work miracles. That’s what it’s going to take. A big fat giant one. I agreed to stop trying to get her to come to Thailand. She promised not to mention any guys who cross her path. We made a pact to stop bringing up M-words, like marriage and missionaries. We can talk about anything except us.