EMMETT AND JAMES (AND LEVIN): a dialogue
Act 3
Emmett and James are watching TV. Levin walks into the room.
LEV. Yo dogs. What’s going on?
JMS. The scum-sucking boiler’s broke! I can’t believe it.
LEV. Aye, I know. Me and Hamish rang the landlord on Friday night there and told him.
EM. What he say?
LEV. He came round and had a look at it. Then he said, “Aye, that boiler is broke.”
JMS. Then what?
LEV. He gave me and Hamish £20 for a bottle of Bush. To keep warm.
EM. Did he? Then what did he do?
LEV. He drove off. In his Jaguar. Me and Hamish went to the off-licence and bought a bottle of Bushmills. And drank it.
JMS. You drank it?
LEV. Aye. Well, some of it was left. We drank that on Saturday and Sunday.
EM. Stocious?
LEV. I wasn’t, obviously. But Hamish was pretty pissed.
JMS. Where’s my whiskey?
LEV. Ask the landlord.
EM. Aye, ring him James.
JMS. Here, I’ll give you my phone and you ring him.
EM. Why?
JMS. I just don’t like talking to landlords, all right!
EM. Give me that phone. Hello, Mr Quinn? Hi, it’s Emmett here. Emmett, 4 Eglantine. Aye. No, actually, I was just wondering if you knew that our boiler is still broke.
Landlord talks for a long time.
EM. Ok dead on.
JMS. Well?
EM. He says someone’ll be round to look at it.
JMS. Are they bringing whiskey?
EM. No. They’re coming on Wednesday.
LEV. Man, do you even like whiskey?
JMS. No man. I want what’s mine.
EM. Those landlords have some nerve. Coming on Wednesday!
LEV. What day is it today?
EM. Monday!
LEV. Ah, Monday.