I didn’t start that fight.
Oh my gosh,
Don't get me vexed,
I'll do it in a minute,
Once I’ve sent this text.
Oh my gosh,
Tripped through the air,
Fell over the table,
Can you repair?
© 2015 Chris Raven
Illustration courtesy of Illustration courtesy of Vladimir Zuñiga of Foca.tk
Caring For Your Kid: An Owner's Manual for Cats
By Kristina Jacobs
Who knew taking care of a kid is such hard work? Geordie the sleek black cat thought with exasperation, but plenty of love for HIS kid. He'd finally got this kid care thing down pat when the human mom brought home an orange striped boy kitten for him to train. Poor boy kitten didn't know anything at all about how to care for a kid. Today alone, he'd jumped up on the counter to steal a piece of frosted shredded wheat (yuck!), then burned his paw a the burner that was off but still hot from the human's cooking eggs for breakfast and not even half an hour later taken a BATH with the kid. Now, he was soaked and miserable being toweled off by a very annoyed human mom. Worse, the bath had bubbles which looked so pretty and fun, but made his eyes burn. And, he'd scared Geordie's kid so bad she screamed!
The kitten was a menace and he'd already earned himself the kitten name "Mischief" because of his shenanigans. It was so...undignified, he thought. How was he ever to be trusted to take care of his own kid unless he learned just what to do? Then, he hit upon an idea! He'd create a manual to teach the boy kitten how to care for a kid.
Let's see, he thought, forming a plan in his steel trap kitty mind... (from the outside, the humans probably thought he was just napping in the sun on the clean laundry pile).
Lesson one: when she picks you up, go limp. You may be turned into a doll pushed around in a baby carriage but it's just better that way, safer for cat and kid alike. Plus, the baby carriage is kinda fun, like being the cat kind of the house.
Lesson two: When your kid wants to feed you bit by bit, eat it gingerly. Don't bite her fingers, unless she wants to feed you chocolate or anything that smells weird-don't eat that-it could be anything. And I mean anything!
Lesson three: Watch your kid. Keep them out of trouble. They are trouble magnets. Magnets, I tell you! Nap with one eye open!
Lesson four: Don't just sleep all day and stay up all night. Spend time doing things your kid enjoys. Curl up together and watch cartoons, build a blanket fort under the dining table.
Lesson five: Sleep in the room as often as possible. The pillow is best of course, if you must, the bed is a good second choice. If the mom tries to kick you out (she will) quick, hide under the bed! Duck behind the dresser if she gives chase then slink under the chair. This triple combo works every time, she'll get tired and give up pretty fast. This is not the time to meow and give away your exact position!
Don't worry it may take you a few tries to get the powerful triple combo hiding down. If she gets you, don't go off with your tail in a bunch. Act like you're going down the hall, but hangout at the edge of the door and slink back in as soon as her back is turned and before she gets the door shut! Do your solemn duty to protect YOUR kid from all things that go bump in the night.
If you get caught and you can't get back in, then it's time to meow piteously at the bedroom door and hope they let you in so you stop the racket. If all else fails, guard the door- no one out-no one in without you knowing it. (Plus, she might wake to go potty or get water and then you can slip in to your rightful domain).
Lesson six: I know it looks fun and the water is moving around, just like the kid wants to play, but do not and I repeat, do not take a bath with your kid! You will get wet! The mom will be mad and take a towel to you. You'll be licking and grooming your fur for days! Plus, you might get soap in your eyes. I've known many a kitten who didn't follow lesson #6 and their eyes were red and burning for a week.
Lesson seven: If you see white stuff falling out of the sky, refuse to let your kid outside unless they are covered with extra fur everywhere. Don't forget to play chase and help your kid wind that string toy around their neck before you let them outside to play in that white fluff. I know, I know, it looks cool and fun, but I'm here to tell you it is secretly cold and WET!
Lesson eight: Most important of all- when your kid is hurt, sick or sad purr for her, stay close and warm. Let her use you as her pillow or her huggie cat as much as she needs.
In exchange for all of your kid care, you'll have her love. It's very, very powerful and mysterious. Once you have it, you'll have everything you'll ever need.
The End
© 2015 Kristina Jacobs
Chocolate (Everything)
By James Gordon
No one ever has to ask my favorite kind of ice cream.
The shake that I want is well known by my family, my friends, and the owner of the ice cream shop owner.
My birthday cake is the same every year and will not change.
No matter with or without almonds, give me a Hershey bar any day.
Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday
Chocolate!!
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday
Chocolate!!
Saturday, Saturday, and Saturday
Chocolate!!
If I have nothing else to eat
If Ma has not gone shopping
If my Dad is not around
Give me chocolate, and I am a happy Bobo.
© 2014 James Gordon
Illustration courtesy of IconBug
Diddly Squat’s Adventure
By Rowan Blair Colver
There once was a gnome called Diddly Squat,
He would sit fishing, more often than not.
But on this one day,
Not such a long time away,
He decided to go for a walk.
Packing up his rod and his little bag of things,
Off he walked across the bridge,
Singing that song he always sings;
“Peepo, it’s me you know,
The little gnome from down the road,
Maybe today is the time I’ll go,
And see the things I do not know”.
And with a crumbled brow,
He decided now,
To end the tune like this;
“So here we go, over the bridge,
I’m off to see what there is,
My bag is packed and my hat is straight,
The Sun is up, I cannot wait”.
The bridge was old and crumbled bits,
As he trampled forward over it,
He did not see the damage done,
He was dreaming of things to come.
The plants grew tall, and gnarled and old,
And shadows began to creep and fold,
The path which once looked so new,
Soon became an altered view.
Thorn bushes reached over,
To snag and pull his coat,
Leaves as big as the whole of him,
Flapped around in the howling wind,
Then the sounds of things he did not know,
Began to form in the gloomy shadow.
Yelps and scuffles,
Chirrups and scuffles,
Squeaks and cheeps,
Crunching, snapping,
Yip, yip, yapping.
With a scurry and a shake,
The bushes began to quake,
As something crawled through the leaves.
Out popped a face,
All furry and strange,
And two little paws pushed through,
A long and sleek creature,
Whose most noticeable feature,
Was a long and bushy tail.
The small stranger sat in the path,
And picked an acorn that had fallen,
Looked up once and let out a gasp,
For Diddly Squat stood watching.
“Who are you?”
Asked the thing,
br />
Now sat up straight, watching him,
“I’m Diddly Squat the Garden Gnome,
And who are you, is this your home?”
The thing replied with a friendly tone,
“I’m Saffron Squirrel, gathering nuts,
My home is where I please,
Where I stand and see, both at once,
That’s my home for the circumstance”.
A little confused and unsure what to say,
The little gnome replied,
“Can I follow you today?
There are many things I have not seen,
Things I do not know,
Perhaps with you I could be,
Shown the places you like to go”.
Saffron laughed a hearty laugh,
Waved his acorn with short furry arms,
“You see this seed, I hold in my hands,
This is a wish I bury in the land,
If one day the seed becomes a tree,
The wish will be granted just for me.”
He scampered thorough a bush,
With the acorn in hand,
To find that piece of magical land.
So Diddly Squat briskly followed,
Along the squirrels path,
What the squirrel made look easy,
The little gnome found hard.
The twigs and leaves poked his belly,
Tripped his feet, snagged his clothes,
It was difficult to go,
Where Saffron Squirrel goes.
But behind the maze,
Was a lovely little place,
Where the squirrel was already digging,
And to himself he was muttering,
The words of his wish,
A most selfless and happy wish,
That his children one day,
Would climb the branches,
Of this seed that he lays,
In the beautiful, green and sunny place.
But Diddly Squat couldn’t hear,
The squirrels little prayer,
That was for him and the tree-to-be,
And the unexplained energy,
Of giving a seed to the earth.
The little gnome looked and saw a chestnut hidden,
With a pull and a crack,
He freed it from its case.
With skin of deep browns and black,
And a smell as fresh as the dew,
He took it to a magical place,
Green and sunny with the sound of birdsong,
Beneath a blue tint sky with morning shadows long,
And wished for some dinner tonight.
He sang out the words as loud as the rain,
Saffron Squirrel turned and looked at him again.
“If you were hungry, you should have eaten it,
Never mind, I’m glad that you have planted it,
I’ve had my eye on that spot for days,
I just needed for one of my acorns to say,
“This is my home, plant me here,”
Until that time the soil remained bare.
Diddly Squat sat down beside
On a tuft of grass aside,
The chestnut he had found.
“What are you doing?”
Asked Saffron with a smile,
“Watching my chestnut tree growing,
I want my dinner tonight!”
Saffron shook his head,
With tufty ears swaying,
And his tail slightly swaying,
He said in one short breath,
“You cannot wait for your dreams,
You have to chase them!
Nothing is as it seems,
When you find them again”
A little confused, but willing to learn,
Diddly Squat peered through the ferns,
Where Saffron has scampered just moments ago,
And he said “I have to go!
My children are calling out
Daddy come home, they shout”
So the little gnome was alone,
Once again in the woods,
The wind rattled his bones,
He wore his hat like a hood.
And a shimmering sound from the leaves in the trees,
Signaled the coming of a cooler, delicate breeze.
From behind the trunk,
Of a mighty standing oak,
Wandered a sleek red creature,
With pointy, inquisitive features,
She sighed with a smile,
“I’ve been watching you for quite a while”.
“Who are you, stranger dressed in red?”
“I am Veronica Vixen, your foxy new friend.
Perhaps you would like
To accompany me tonight,
To a bite,
A snack, to dine,
You and me and an old log fire?”
“My wish has come true”
Smiled Diddly Squat,
And replied to Veronica with a fast hungry nod.
“I’d be glad to join you, whenever you please,
Just tell me when and I’ll join you to eat”.
Veronica smiled and smiled inside too,
Licked her lips and said,
“Thank you,
You are more than welcome at my table,”
She said as she cradled,
Some herbs and some spices,
And fruits in little slices,
And a set of teeth shining their whitest.
“Can I help you with those?”
Said the little eager gnome,
“Let me carry some of this stuff,
But I must say this isn’t enough.
For two of us to eat,
There is enough for just you,
Please don’t forget,
I need some food too!”
Veronica smiled, and passed him some leaves,
“If you would be so kind,
You can help me carry these.”
So she led the way, through bush and round tree,
Her tracks were distinct,
He could follow quite easily.
The well-trodden paths that crisscrossed the floor,
Were perfect and old,
Laid many years before.
The twists and the turns,
Past rocks and through ferns,
Eventually led to a hole.
A gaping black pit that crept down and down,
Diddly Squat couldn’t hide his frown.
He didn’t want to climb inside,
He didn’t like the lack of light,
And Veronica was suddenly fierce.
He noticed her claws and sparkly white fangs,
And a mouth as big as he,
And within a moment he’d forgotten his pangs,
To find something nice to eat.
A screech and a squawk filled the air where he walked,
And a black and white bird stumbled down,
With a gently planned thud,
And a nod of the head,
The bird cackled and flapped around.
“A magpie, the unluckiest of birds”
Yelped Veronica and quickly she turned,
Into her hole, forgetting the gnome,
Who did not fear the cousin of the crow.
“It’s my lucky day”
Said Diddly Squat,
And he turned around to say,
“Thank you, I know you not,
But you may have saved me from being dinner.”
He ruffled his feathers with a purple blue shimmer,
Said with a crackle,
“It was my absolute pleasure.
I have never trusted foxes,
Especially that one there,
You had better run for it,
Before she sneaks out of her lair.”
Diddly Squat took off,
With little legs a blur,
He was very quick sometimes,
Especially when scared.
The magpie flew behind a
pace,
To help him find his way,
Back to his little fishing place,
Where he spends most of his days.
And as the bridge came into sight,
And the magpie soared into the sky,
Saffron was sat in a tree.
“I hope you’ll come and visit me,
And visit your growing wish”
The little gnome smiled and waved,
“But first I’m going to fish.”
His tummy rumbled loudly,
And the bridge stood there proudly,
Not as old and unsafe as before.
And the pond was so tranquil,
Water clear with sparkle,
Where his rock waited for his seat.
And as he sat down,
It wasn’t that long,
Before he caught something nice to eat.
See you soon.
© 2015 Rowan Blair Colver
Little Gems
By Dorothy Seers
They are small,
And often cute,
But basically,
Just out for the loot.
They want to curl,
Up on your lap,
Is it love or,
Time for a nap.
Get under feet,
Wanting some food,
Turns up a nose,
Goodness how rude.
Goes outside and,
Snoops all around,
Likes to climb trees,
High off the ground.
Then back indoors,
Demanding play,
If they don't get,
They'll sulk all day.
A source of joy,
Cause for laughter,
They just want some,
Looking after.
Demanding, loud,
A hungry Gem,
Pesky kids ah?
Who'll have them?
© 2015 Dorothy Seers
Illustration courtesy of OpenClipArt
Tommy Tentacles and Mr Fox
By Dani J Caile
Inspired by the story “Tommy Tentacles and the Lime Green Suit”
By Nanny Shorey