There was a note on the table. He had stared at it a long while before he even saw it; then the words jumped out at him, in Trevor’s fastidious handwriting. Your mother rang. Wants you to phone back. Sounds desperate.
“God,” he said aloud. God. He couldn’t. Not now, not tonight. Tomorrow. Not now.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, he remembered the slashed jacket, and he searched desperately for some matching thread, and found it in one of the orderly kitchen cupboards. He sewed the slash in the jacket carefully, hurriedly, stabbing his thumb, but he couldn’t do it fast enough, because even as he finished and bit the thread the phone rang with a jolt that seemed to go right through him. He stared at it, unmoving. It rang. Over and over. Never stopping. Never changing.
“Hang up,” he whispered, in agony. “Hang up.” But she didn’t. The same two notes, insistent, urgent, getting to him, getting inside him till his nerves were so tight his chest ached and he wanted to scream. And then it stopped, halfway through a ring. The silence was shocking. It was only nine o’clock but he had to hide from it; he flicked the TV off and ran upstairs and got into bed and lay there, breathless. He thought he had loved the silence, but it was a threat now; it could be broken. Sweating, he waited, every muscle tense in the bed. The torment lasted ten minutes. Then the phone rang. And rang.
He groped for the Walkman, for anything. The only CD on the bedside table was the opera the girl had shoved in his pocket. Now, hands shaking, sobbing, he tore the frail plastic off and jammed it in, switching on and pulling the earphones on, curling deep under the bedclothes.
The music was loud. It swallowed everything. It blocked out the whole world. It was a great orchestra and choruses of voices, men and women, conflicting and chiming and rising and falling with each other. He didn’t know what they sang about, only that it was passionate, it was pure and holy, it could protect him, that while it played he couldn’t hear the phone, feel the bruises, didn’t have to remember his mother, the guilt, his fear of sliding into mental illness.
Hours later, when Trevor looked in and muttered, “Good night, Cal,” he lay still, exhausted, as if asleep, his ears numb. But his heart beat too fast in his chest, like a bird’s.
Chapter Nine
Listen, little pig
We should hide
from the huntsman of Mordei
lest we be discovered . . .
Oianau of Merlin
Maybe to punish himself, he had the dream. He was six, and they were on that bus. The one to the seaside, the one he had looked forward to for days, the one where he stood on the seat and looked out of the window at the strange houses, the amazingly green fields, the great mountains.
She had a small flask in her bag and she was always sipping from it, and when she stood up the bus swayed, and she fell down.
“Mam,” he had said. “Mam?”
And the woman behind had got up and shouted, “Stop the bus! This woman’s sick.”
And she had been, all over the floor and the bag and the sandwiches, and he had huddled in the seat and watched as a man helped her off, and she was giggling then, and dropping coins from her purse, and the women all around had been saying words in hard, unforgiving voices, words he had heard before in the playground, outside the school—drunk, drink, drunken, drunkard—cries like the chorus of gulls that had echoed all the hot afternoon on the sand. She had slept curled up in the chair on the beach for hours, burned by the sun, and he had paddled and dug holes and cried and got cold, and then he had asked the man who sold the deckchairs why his mother didn’t wake up. That was the first time they had gone to the hospital. And the nurses had given him a bar of chocolate and phoned the police.
He opened his eyes. This wasn’t dreaming, it was remembering, and he never allowed himself to do it. It was against his rules. There had to be rules, and he had to keep them.
He sat up. There were voices downstairs; that meant Thérèse had stayed the night, and he was glad, because he liked to talk to her, and she was always laughing. And she was pretty.
He dressed quickly, pleased that his clothes were clean, wishing he had another sweater, because the green one was getting worn. Maybe when his first paycheck came . . . And he’d ring, he thought all at once, halfway down the open-plan stair. He’d ring home, but not yet, because she wouldn’t be up yet. Not for hours.
“So he’s given you Saturdays off?” Thérèse laughed. She was making toast in the unused kitchen, the smell of it mingling with coffee and a small bunch of freesias by the sink.
“Only while he’s on probation,” Trevor said from behind the paper.
Thérèse winked at Cal.
“These are nice.” He touched the yellow flowers.
“I bought them. To brighten up the place. Have you noticed, Cal, there are no flowers. No plants. Not even a garden. It would drive me mad.”
Cal poured coffee. “Is that why you don’t live here?” For a second, he thought he had offended her. Then she smiled brightly and tapped him on the nose. “Mind yours. Your uncle and I have our own places. That’s the way it is.”
The toaster clunked, and she took the bread out. There were croissants too, he noticed with pleasure, and fresh butter.
Cal wandered into the long room and put his plate on the table; his uncle glanced at him. “In fact I ought to insist you go in this morning. What’s this about you sliding off at half four last night?”
“Phyllis,” Cal said bitterly.
“Yes. And she was right. It’s not on, Cal.”
The doorbell rang; Thérèse went, her white shirt loose over tight dark trousers.
Cal chewed the flaky croissant. “It won’t happen again. I just felt . . . a bit . . .”
“No, it won’t. I wouldn’t take it from anyone else and I won’t take it from you.” He tipped his head, curious. “And what on earth have you done to your hand?”
Before he could think of an answer, Thérèse was calling from the door, “Cal?” Her voice was coy. “It’s for you,” she said, and there was a mocking note in it that surprised him. Until he looked over and saw Shadow.
She was standing outside the front door, wearing the same clothes as last night, and she smiled calmly, hands in pockets. “Hi,” she said.
“Hi.” He was numb with embarrassment; the word came out automatically. She seemed so out of place here. The cobweb on her face was a mystery, her dark scruffy clothes bizarre in the modern, spotless room.
He got up hastily and went over; Thérèse winked and slipped discreetly into the kitchen. He glanced back; Trevor was watching with ill-disguised astonishment over the newspaper.
“What are you doing here?” Cal whispered.
“You’re not so hard to find.” She scratched her cheek with a black fingernail. “Hawk kept an eye on you last night.”
“Followed me!”
“If you like. Because of the sword.”
“I told you . . .”
“Come on, Cal. We can’t keep it.”
“I don’t want it.” He shot an uneasy look in the mirror. He should ask her in, but her boots were muddy. The thought turned him cold.
“And we thought you might want to see Hawk fight.”
“Fight?”
“At the reenactment. You could meet the rest of the Company.” She smiled, teasing. “We want you to come.”
“What Company?”
“Arthur’s. It’s a reenactment group.”
He hesitated. It was the last thing he wanted. But he had to get her out of here.
“Bring your friend in,” Trevor said with vast reluctance.
“Oh, it’s okay. We’re just going out.” Cal ran back and gulped his coffee; then raced upstairs and snatched his coat from the wardrobe, cursing and dashing back to brush his teeth. But when he got back downstairs again Shadow was sitting on the soft leather sofa talking to Thérèse.
Cal fidgeted at the door. “We’re going down to the castle.”
Trevor managed to take his eyes off Shadow’s tattoo long enou
gh to say, “Fine.” He looked horrified; made a blank, questioning face. Cal shrugged, hot.
“Enjoy yourselves!” From the doorstep Thérèse waved them off. Cal knew as soon as she went back in she’d collapse in fits of giggles and Trevor would fling the paper down and say, “Who the hell was THAT?”
He stalked down the sloping drive, furious with himself and furious with Shadow for coming. She didn’t seem to notice. Instead she walked behind him slowly and said, “Is your mother French?”
“What?”
“She sounds it.”
Amazed, he realized she was talking about Thérèse. He opened his mouth to tell her Thérèse was his uncle’s girlfriend. Instead he said, “Yes.” That’s how easy it was. One word. And you could create a whole new world. She probably thought Trevor was his father. He had never had a father. In an instant a vivid string of imaginings had come and gone in his mind; him at six with Thérèse in the park, his birthday parties, Christmas, skiing, summer holidays at their place in France, Trevor and Thérèse proud at parents’ evenings. He stopped, and let her catch up. Finally he said, “God knows what they think.”
“Let them.” She shrugged. “Hawk sent me. He says the sword is too important, and he knows about things like that. It’s his job.”
“What is?”
“Reenacting battles. Pretending to be King Arthur’s Knights.”
“Fighting!” Cal was scathing. “Dressing up like some relic from the Crusades. It’s sad.”
She grinned at him. “It’s fun. Highly educational for the kids. Lighten up, Cal.” Suddenly serious, she looked at him sideways. “We both think you’re in trouble.”
They were walking under the town arch. It was hollow, dripping, a medieval gateway with trucks scraping under it. He said, awkward, “I’m sorry about last night. I get . . . uptight.”
“You’d had a shock.”
“I thought he was making fun of me.”
Shadow stepped aside for a woman with a stroller. Then she said, “Hawk believes you. That you were really there.”
“What about you?” he asked bitterly. She didn’t answer. Instead she pointed. “There’s the one you need to talk to.”
Across the street, outside Woolworth’s, a man was selling the Big Issue. He was incredibly scruffy, his long coat a sort of patchwork, his hair tangled, but he was quick and agile, his words holding passersby, his long hands supple as he talked till they dragged out a few grudging coins. Behind him on the pavement, a lanky brown dog lay curled.
“Who’s he?”
“The Hermit.” Shadow caught his elbow. “Come on.” She crossed the road, pulling him with her. Appalled, he said, “Great.”
The man stank. Cal could smell him already, an unwashed stench mixed with beer and some woody earthiness like soil in rain. His eyes were dark as Bron’s but lit with a wildness that made Cal wary; it reminded him of his mother at her worst times. When the man saw them he gripped Shadow’s shoulders; his hands were bony and the nails had been bitten to the quick. “So it’s you, Webbed One.”
“It’s me, master. I’ve brought someone to meet you.” She turned, and Cal knew she was enjoying his distaste. “This is Cal.”
The man looked at him hard. His face was thin, scabbed, stubbled with a scraggy beard, his hair a tangle over the crazy eyes. He held out his hand and, infinitely disgusted, Cal took it. “Not your real name.” The grin was wolf-sharp; all at once the hermit’s tough grip felt like the paw of some beast.
Cal snatched his hand away. “It’s the name I like.”
“We’re none of us what we seem.” The man gave a sideways nod at Shadow. “She hides in darkness. You in daylight.”
Cal was rubbing the grease from his fingers. “What about you?”
“I hide in time. My name is Merlin.”
Behind them, the dog yawned. Instantly the man turned; a sudden frenzy of anger transformed him. “And there’s her!” He spat. “My death. Always watching. Waiting at my heels.” He gave a vicious lunge toward the dog, stamping at it. “Bitch! Get away!” It took not the slightest notice, but lay down and looked at them with soft eyes.
Cal was backing off. He was on the point of turning and going, anywhere, but Shadow caught his sleeve and said, “We’re going to watch the Hawk.”
“Not only you. The others are all there. All of Arthur’s Company.” The Hermit was eyeing Cal; now he leaned close, the smell pungent. “But you need to make a phone call first,” he whispered. “And she won’t be where you expect her.” A scruffy magazine was pushed into Cal’s hands. “Take this.”
Cal swallowed. “Thanks. Very much. We have to go now.” He threw Shadow a desperate glance; was already moving off. What if someone saw him? What if Trevor saw him!
The Hermit smiled a wolfish smile. “We’ll speak again. But not yet, Shadow.”
She nodded. “If you say so, master.”
“God!” Cal said, safely down the street. “You know some weird people!”
“Yes. I know you.” She smiled secretly. “But he was right about your name, wasn’t he?”
“Maybe.” They had come to a phone box; Cal almost managed to walk past it. Then he stopped. “I don’t know how he guessed, but he was right about the phone call too. You go on. I’ll catch you up.”
“I’ll wait,” she said sweetly, sitting on the curb.
Cal squeezed in and picked up the receiver. He dialed his home number. At the other end the phone rang, and kept ringing. At first he felt relief, then guilt. And fear. Where was she? What was going on? He couldn’t put the receiver down. He seemed frozen there, listening to the ringing in the empty house. And then, as he scratched his face with the rolled-up magazine in his hand, he saw what he was holding wasn’t the Big Issue at all, but a stiff parchment of pages, empty except for the number that had been scrawled on the front page. A phone number. A Bangor number. Slowly, he put the handset down, and stared at the number. She won’t be where you expect her.
A truck roared past. Shadow called and waved to someone driving it.
Cal picked up the phone again, and dialed. It was crazy. But. A voice answered, almost immediately. “Hello?” A man. Cal gripped the phone tight. Panic started to rise; a pain on his chest.
“I want . . . Could I speak to Annie Davies? Is she there?” He was sweating. Praying. This couldn’t be. But the man said, “Hang on. I’ll get her.”
Chapter Ten
Ladies and damsels climbed into towers and peered through the wall battlements, thronging at windows to see the knights joust.
Didot-Perceval
He had always loathed the men. Over the years there had been many, and four who’d stayed around for a few months each, one almost a year. Cal had been sullen, barely able to speak to them, even Aled, who’d been so free-handed with his money and had given him that denim jacket when he was thirteen. But it had been cheap and tacky and he’d sold it. They’d taken her out, and she’d laughed and seemed happy; sometimes he’d let himself almost think one of them might make a difference. But the voices had always come back, and the gin to drown them out. And when the men had gone she was worse. Now, maybe, there was another one. He waited, watching Shadow through the glass door, feeding a pigeon crumbs from her pockets.
Breathy sounds. A scuffle. Then, “Cal? Is that you?”
“Mam? Where are you?”
She laughed. It wasn’t the usual giggle. She was sober. A huge relief washed over him; his very bruises seemed to stop aching.
“I’m at Rhian’s.”
“Who’s Rhian?”
“She’s my new outworker. From the hospital. We went to a group session last night and it was late so I stayed over.” She laughed again, a light sound. “What did you think? New boyfriend?”
He shrugged. “Sort of.” He couldn’t remember the last time she had sounded like this.
“I rang you last night but you must have been out. I wanted to tell you how I feel so good, Cal! These people—Dr. Lewis got me onto the progra
m—they’re really helping me. I’m going to sort things out, Cal, I really am this time.”
Looking out up the crowded street he said, “That’s great, Mam.”
“You don’t think I can do it, do you?”
“Of course I do. If you get the help. It’s just . . .” He stopped, hating himself, but she hadn’t even been listening.
“I’ve had my hair done, Cal. Rhian came with me. You should see the little blond highlights! And this new medication, it’s so good! I can sleep, and there are no voices anymore; no one talking to me all the time.”
He let her go on; it spilled out of her and he listened to it, thinking how empty the house must be for her, without him. She’d cleaned and hoovered, she said, and done the washing. “And tomorrow the whole group’s going out for a meal. Nice people they are. And no wine.” Her voice was low, close to the receiver. “I’m right off that, Cal.”
“Great!” he said. “I’m really proud of you.” Thinking of the last time she’d said that, of the day he’d come home deliriously pleased with his exam results and found the bottles under the sink. How he had taken them into the street and smashed them, one by one, green glass and blue and white, sobbing in fury, and the shards had cut him. How she’d screamed and screamed. How the neighbors had come out.
Shadow was watching. She looked impatient. “Come on!” she mouthed against the glass.
He nodded, turned away. “Listen, Mam, I’m glad things are okay. I’ve got to go now. My friends are waiting.”
“Cal,” she said, her voice choked, “I know I drove you away.”
His heart thumped. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Yes, it was. I don’t blame you.”
“No . . .”
“And when I get straight it’ll be different. You’ll be proud to come home. Rhian says I can do it, and I will.”
He smiled, wan. “I’ve got to go. . . .”
“But you will come home next weekend, won’t you? You can see my new hair.”
“okay.” He was lying, he knew he was, but he was helpless. “Next Saturday. Bye, Mam. The money’s running out.”
“I love you, Cal,” she said quickly. Then the insistent bleep nagged the silence and he put the receiver down and the coins clunked into the box. Wearily, he put the other pound back into his pocket and pushed the heavy door wide.