called it a night, I hadn’t actually seen the twins and we hadn’t found anything of use.
Except I did come across a small creature called a Pukwudgie in one of the tomes, a tiny troll-like creature I’d heard about only once before, when Dez had brought Jasmine to our compound all those years ago. She’d been bitten by one and had been very ill as a result.
I still sort of wanted to see one with my own eyes.
Snow was falling by the time Roth and I left. We headed to the Palisades since it was closer than the McMansion, parking in the garage and bypassing the club down below. As soon as I walked into the loft, he called off the kittens. I watched them scatter about the room. One headed to the piano while the other two darted under the bed.
“Want me to get some food?” he asked, dropping his keys atop the bookshelf.
I wasn’t really hungry, but I knew Roth hadn’t eaten all day. “Sure.”
“I’ll go grab us some stuff,” he said, instead of summoning Cayman like he normally would. “Anything in particular you want?”
Pressing my lips together, I shook my head and watched Roth start toward the door, stop as if he wanted to say something and then leave. Unease churned in my stomach. Asking about food was the most he’d said since we left the seer’s house. Suspicion blossomed. What was he up to?
What was I up to?
Restless, I looked around the room, and then called for Robin. He peeled off my arm, a fox-shaped shadow until he hit the floor. There, his reddish-orange fur was twitching as he looked back at me, head cocked to the side.
He knew.
Of course he did.
Chirping, he pranced over to the open closet door, to the clothing he’d dragged off hangers and had fashioned a bed out of. I watched him curl his bushy tail close to his body, and then I walked to the roof entrance.
Cold air greeted me as I opened the door and climbed the narrow staircase. A fine layer of snow coated the empty pots and the canopy above the chaise rolled silently. All the trees were bare, but not dead. Life would be renewed in the spring, if mankind made it to the spring.
I made my way to the ledge and stared at the glistening lights of DC. A misty cloud formed every time I exhaled, but it was pleasant out here, above the noise of the city and the noxious fumes. Calm even. We were a handful of days away from Christmas, and we were running out of time.
We were out of time actually.
Although Zayne and Dez had planned to continue scouring the books for a way to end the Lilin or somehow incapacitate it, I doubted they would find anything. Besides, even if we could disable the Lilin, that did nothing for the souls it had consumed, nothing for Sam.
I took a deep breath, but it got stuck in my throat as a razor-edged panic rose like a ghost in the night, threatening to drag me under. Before I could give in to it, I felt Roth’s presence. Swallowing hard, I pushed the fear down, all the way down, and faced him.
He stood just outside the door, the breeze ruffling his dark hair as snow peppered the strands and his eyes glittering like tawny jewels. “What are you doing up here?”
I shrugged a shoulder. “I don’t know. It’s kind of pretty, with the snow.”
“And it’s freezing,” he commented.
“Neither of us is affected by that.”
“I know.” One side of his lips curved up. “I just felt like pointing that out.” He paused. “You’re not hungry, are you?”
“Not really.”
An eyebrow rose as he walked across the roof. “Want to stay out here for a while?”
“Yeah. Yes. I do.”
The half smile remained as Roth sat down on the chaise. The cushion he patted was protected from the snow, but only if the wind didn’t really start picking up. I walked over to him, and when he extended his arm, I placed my hand in his.
Roth tugged me down between his legs, positioning me so that my back was pressed against his chest. His arms folded around me, and I closed my eyes, smacking any thought out of my head just so I could take the moment to enjoy the warmth of his body and the comfort of his embrace.
I don’t know how long we sat there watching the snow fall silently before Roth spoke again, but the snow on the floor of the roof seemed to have thickened. “I’ve been thinking,” he began. “About you in one of those really skimpy bikinis. The kind where the backside of the bottoms are really just dental floss.”
“Oh my God.” I laughed as I trailed my fingers over his hands. “Why am I not surprised by this?”
“Now. Now. Hear me out,” he replied, resting his chin on my shoulder. I turned my cheek to him, waiting. “You wouldn’t be the only one who would be wearing less clothing than what we’ve got on right now.”
I really had no idea where this conversation was heading, but I was thrilled that he was talking and I was also willing to just—to just let it all go for right now, for these precious moments, to humor whatever was coming out of his mouth.
“Would you also be in a barely there bikini?” I asked.
I felt his lips curve into a smile. “You would not be able to control yourself if you saw something so amazing.” He tugged me back into the V of his legs when I had started to twist toward him. “You’d treat me like a piece of meat.”
“Oh really?” I laughed.
Roth leaned back against the cushion, bringing me along with him so that we were stretched out as the snow continued to fall. “Uh-huh. So I would just be wearing swim trunks.”
“Speedo?”
“Even I wouldn’t wear a Speedo,” he replied.
“How is a Speedo any different than me wearing what is basically dental floss?”
“It is. Just trust me on this.” He tilted his head to the side so I could see his expression. “Anyway, the swim trunks and itsy, bitsy bikini would also involve a sandy white beach. You’ve never been to a beach, right?”
“Right.” I bit my lip when he shifted so that his lips brushed the lobe of my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. “So what about this beach?”
“The beach would exist in a tropical area, where it’s always warm and almost always sunny,” he went on, one hand toying with the hem of my sweater, the other lazily roaming up and down my leg, from thigh to hip. “The beach would be a place far away from here.”
“How far?” I whispered.
“As far as we want.” One hand traveled up to my chin and his fingers guided my head back. “I was thinking along the lines of Turks and Caicos.” He kissed my forehead. “I haven’t been there.” His lips coasted over my brows. “But I’ve heard of this place called Grace Bay.” He dropped a kiss on each of my eyelids. “White sands. Water the color of turquoise.” Then he kissed the tip of my nose. “Paradise, or so I’m told. We should go.”
I smiled faintly. “We should.”
His gaze met mine as he drew back. “I’m being serious. We can leave in the morning.”
My smile started to fade. “What?”
“It will take nothing for me to get us a private jet. Just a few words spoken to the right person, and then we’re on our way. It’s a little too far to fly ourselves.” His eyes searched mine intently, and I stiffened, because he really wasn’t joking around. “We could be there by tomorrow night.”
“Roth—”
“We can leave all of this,” he pushed on, his hand cupping my cheek. “Let the pieces fall where they may, but you and I will be far from this—”
“There’s nowhere we can go to truly escape this. The Alphas will intervene. The Lilin wants that, and even Grim has called it. They will bring about the end of the world. Hiding out at a beach isn’t going to save us.”
“We could try, dammit. We could try to survive,” he insisted, his eyes flashing bright in the darkness. “Leaving here promises us at least a tomorrow—maybe even a week or a month, but staying here—what do we have?”
I sucked in a sharp breath. “What do you mean?”
“You think I don’t know what’s been going on in your head sinc
e you realized your life was tied to the Lilin’s?” His hand curled around the nape of my neck as he leaned in, pressing his forehead to mine. “Dammit, Layla, I know...”
My eyes squeezed shut against the sudden burn.
“You’re too good. You don’t see that, but I do. You’re too good, but I’m not.” His voice hoarsened. “Let me be selfish enough for the both of us.”
“What about Sam, Roth?”
“I don’t know. I don’t have an answer for that you want to hear,” he admitted. “I’m sorry. You’re my priority. Forget the rest.”
I wrapped one arm around his neck, saying nothing as I tucked my head under his chin. His hand remained at the back of my neck. “I know you think there is only one way out of this. You give up your life to stop the Lilin,” he said, his voice thicker than before. “But I can’t let you do that.”
“I don’t want to do that.”
His other arm circled my waist as he shifted his head, his lips brushing my cheek as he spoke. “Then don’t.”
Roth made it sound so simple. The thing was, even he knew it wasn’t that easy. If we left this place tomorrow, there was a good chance we’d have days, maybe even weeks or months before the Alphas stepped in and attempted to wipe us all out. But how could I seriously enjoy those days or weeks knowing that I turned my back on Sam... God, on mankind? What was happening was so much bigger than us, so much more important than what we wanted or desired.
His hand spasmed, and he forced out the words in a harsh whisper. “I’m terrified.”
My heart turned over and then doubled up. Hearing him admit that was a shock to my system. I pulled back, meeting his gaze once more. “You’re never scared.”
“I’m not scared. I’m terrified,” he repeated, threading his fingers through my hair. “I’m terrified of losing you and that there will be nothing that I can do to stop it.”
There was a part of me that wanted to simply reassure him, but in this moment, all my defenses came crumbling down. The panic that rested in the pit of my belly expanded. Roth must’ve seen the fear in my eyes because he tugged me back to his chest.
“I won’t let this happen,” he said. “I’m the Prince. There has to be something I can do. I can go to the Boss.”
But if there was something the Boss could’ve done, wouldn’t it have already been done by now? Or could the Boss even step in at this point? It didn’t matter. As I clung to Roth, I knew, deep down, we really didn’t have tomorrow. If I delayed what I needed to do, I would not only lose Sam and the other souls the Lilin had already taken, but I ran the risk of millions of lives being lost if the apocalypse was in fact set in motion.
I ran the risk of Roth doing something even more stupid than what I planned, and if I couldn’t save myself, then at least I could save Sam. I could save the other souls. I could save the innocent people who would die because the end was coming. I could save Roth.
When Roth lifted my head, he opened his mouth to say something, but I didn’t want there to be any more words between us. I closed the distance, kissing him. He tried to turn his head, but I grasped his cheeks, refusing to allow whatever words he wanted to speak to form on his lips.
And when the kiss wasn’t enough, when he tried to speak again, I lifted up, planting my knees on either side of his hips. I pressed our bodies together, and when his mouth finally parted, my heart ached in the worst way, but he was kissing me back and it was scorching. His hands fell down my back, and his desperation amplified what I felt.
His muscles suddenly tensed, and then he was standing. I wrapped my legs around his hips. Our mouths were fused together and we stepped out under the snow. Wind picked up, tossing my hair around us.
I didn’t think we’d make it back to the stairwell.
We barely did.
Once inside the narrow hallway, the door slammed shut behind us, and Roth turned, pressing my back against the wall. We were tangled in each other, our breaths coming in short pants as the hardest part of him was pressed against the softest part of me. The snow that had fallen on us had melted, dampening our skin and hair.
We kissed. We clung to each other, and the outside world went on hold once more. Right now, these stolen moments were just about us. Nothing else mattered then except how he felt and our love for one another.
“Hold on,” he told me, and I wasn’t planning to let go.
Roth captured my breaths with his lips as he turned, starting down the stairs again. He kicked the door shut behind us, sealing out the cold, and when he turned, he knocked into the piano bench, toppling it over.
We almost didn’t hear it.
He carried me right to the foot of the bed, the whole time kissing me, drinking me in, and it wasn’t enough. Not even when he nipped at the sensitive skin below my ear, dragging a heated sound out of me.
We parted long enough to get rid of everything between us, and that took longer than necessary, because we kept stopping...and we kept getting distracted each time a shirt came off or a button came undone. Our hands. Our fingers. Our mouths. Everything about us was greedy.
When my back hit the bed and I stared up at him, thinking was completely impossible. He consumed me, but I knew it went both ways, because his hand trembled as he touched me and his voice shook when he told me that I was beautiful; when he said that he loved me, over and over. His voice quaked each time.
What came next was simply him worshipping me and me repaying the honor. There wasn’t a part of me he didn’t explore, from the arch of my foot to the many valleys on the way to my lips. Our eyes and hands were locked as we started moving together. And when it was over, we lay together, his hand trailing over my ribs, to my hips, and then we started all over again. We exhausted ourselves in all the love we felt and we held off the shadows by sheer willpower until there was nothing left.
Sleep did not come for me afterward, even though I wanted nothing more than to snuggle into Roth and ignore everything, I couldn’t. If I did, everyone I cared about would be lost, and countless, nameless innocent people would be caught in the cross fire. Knowing that I was the only thing that could truly stop this, walking away wasn’t something I could live with. Besides, turning my back would only give us a few days, maybe only hours, because once the Lilin pushed too far, exposed too much, the Alphas would wipe us all out, and they’d been waiting oh-so patiently for a good reason to do so.
I had to do this. I knew that there was no other option, but as I watched Roth while he slept, what I was about to do cut deep into me. It hurt. A knot had formed in the back of my throat, a heaviness pressed into my chest and my eyes stung as tears filled them.
My fingers itched to touch him, just one last time, but I’d risk waking him by doing so. I settled for memorizing every beautiful angle of his face, from the sharpness of his cheekbones to the hard line of his jaw, only slightly softened by sleep. I committed to memory the thickness of his lashes and the natural arch of his brows. I looked my fill when it came to his full lips and I wished I’d get to see those dimples once more, or the way the tawny amber of his eyes would brighten when he looked at me. I yearned to thread my hand through his hair just once more, feeling the silky smoothness as the strands sifted through my fingers.
I ached to hear him say I love you one more time.
None of that was going to happen.
Squeezing my eyes shut against the rush of tears, I carefully rolled out of the bed and tiptoed to where my clothes were piled on the floor. In the quiet darkness, I dressed, grabbed the iron dagger off the piano, and then crept over to where Roth lay on his side, facing the space I’d rested on.
“I love you,” I whispered, my voice choked. “I love you so much.”
And then I did the one thing I never planned to do, but the only thing I could. I left Roth.
twenty-seven
AS I SORT of expected, it didn’t take me long to find the Lilin. I’d left Roth’s loft through the rooftop exit and had taken flight, letting the cold wind ruffle my wings o
ne last time.
It was almost ironic—this whole thing.
Roth had sacrificed for me. Zayne had. Even Abbot, in the end. All of them had given something up to keep me alive. Due to what the witches had given me, I’d gained immortality and for a sweet, short time, I’d had a taste of forever with Roth. And once I fully understood what I was, I’d been given unbelievable strength. My mere presence struck fear into the hearts of demons and Wardens alike. I’d become a force to be reckoned with, a total badass of a hybrid mess.
And ultimately, all those sacrifices and everything everyone had ever done had led up to this moment—when I would take all of that away. I wanted to laugh, but I had a feeling that it would be the crazy kind of laugh and I would break down, because I didn’t want to die.