telling me you weren’t there.”
Resting my hand above his heart, I felt it beat strongly before I spoke. “Still, it was dangerous.”
“I was... I was desperate.” His hand made another trip up my back. “I’ve never felt that before. I mean, when that asshole Warden stabbed you, I felt fear, tasted it for the very first time when you were in my arms and I thought you might die, but this was so much stronger. It was different. When I woke up that night and you were gone, I knew... I just knew what you’d done, and I wasn’t even mad at you for it. I was too damn afraid to feel anger at first.” He tipped his chin back, staring at the ceiling as he swallowed hard. “Some kind of missive went out from Hell. Like a freaking text message, saying that the Lilin was dead—actually, it was a text message. A group text message to every demon topside. I saw it on my phone when I got out of bed.”
For some horrible reason, I had the urge to laugh. Hell sent texts messages—group ones at that? It kind of fit, since there was nothing worse than being on the receiving end of a group message—sort of like being held hostage. But nothing was fun about any of what Roth was telling me.
“The moment I read that text, I swear my heart stopped. I left the room and found Cayman downstairs. The look on his face confirmed it. You were gone and I... I couldn’t deal with that. That’s when I went to Hell, but you weren’t there, and I thought...you’d gone up there. And that made sense. That no matter what ran in your blood, you would end up there.” His hand stilled midway down my back. “But up there, you were totally out of my reach. Forever.”
My heart broke when his voice cracked. “I’m a demon, Layla. I’m a selfish prick. Even though I thought you’d ascended to a place like that, I couldn’t ever get to you. Never again. I wanted to be happy for that, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t deal. These six days you’ve been gone, I...” He cleared his throat as he lowered his chin. His eyes were open and there was that painful glossiness heightening the amber color. “There was nothing but anger and pain. It wasn’t fair. Not for us. It wasn’t fair, and when the anger finally faded away, I was dead inside, Layla. That’s the damn truth. I was dead inside.”
Tears blinded me. “I’m sorry. I did that to you and I’m so sorry—”
Roth shifted and suddenly we were both on our sides, facing one another and at eye level. The hand on my back ended up along the nape of my neck. “There is a huge part of me that wants to throttle you—old-school strangle you, but with love.”
My brows climbed up my forehead.
“There’s a huge part of me that wants to rage at you for making the choice that you made. There’s a ginormous part of me that wants to shake you until you understand that you made a decision that broke me.” His hand tightened at the back of my head. “You broke me, Layla.”
Emotion clogged my throat. “I... I didn’t have another choice.”
Bright eyes fixed on mine. “And you know what? That’s the part that killed me the most. You didn’t have a choice. I get that. I got that then, and you know, there was a part of me that understood it the moment we spoke to the seer, but I didn’t want to accept it. Maybe if I did then we could’ve faced this together. So you...you wouldn’t have done it alone.”
“No,” I whispered, placing my hand on his cheek. “There was nothing that you could’ve done. You’re not at fault for any of this.”
His gaze searched mine as if he was looking for a hint of insincerity, and when he didn’t see it, his eyes drifted shut. “The thing is, Layla, even though there are parts of me that feel that way, it does nothing to touch the elation of holding you in my arms, the thrill that comes along with feeling your heart beat and hearing each breath you take. That’s what matters most.”
Roth was giving me a pass. There was no doubt in my mind he wanted to lay into me, but he got why I had to do what I’d done and he was letting it go. He never ceased to amaze me with his very un-demon-like tendencies. He’d once said that people with the purest souls could be capable of the greatest evil, and I knew that worked both ways, especially when it came to him. I might not be able to see a soul around him and everyone might say he didn’t have one, but at his core, he was better than most humans and Wardens I knew.
His lashes lifted as he slid his fingers out from my hair and followed the curve of my jaw to my mouth. He dragged his thumb along my lower lip. “I wish you hadn’t had to be by yourself. You must have been so scared.”
I’d been terrified, but I didn’t think he needed to know that. “You couldn’t have been there with me,” I told him quietly. “You would’ve never allowed it to happen.”
“True,” he remarked. “What... How did it go down?”
I searched his face. “Do you really want to know?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
Drawing in a deep breath, I moved my hand to his bare chest. “As soon as I left here, the Lilin found me. I guess he knew I’d come to him eventually, but to join him. And he’s... He really is a he. I asked that he show me who he was. First, he shifted into me. Like I was looking into a mirror.”
“You are nothing like that thing,” Roth ground out.
My lips slipped into a small smile. “I know. He finally showed himself. He kind of looked like me, if I was a dude. It was weird. Maybe not, since he really was sort of my brother. I have a really messed-up family.”
He snorted. “Shortie, that is one thing I can understand.”
I arched a brow. “I stabbed him in the heart. He didn’t see it coming.” At that point, I left out the gory details surrounding the whole dying part. “I ended up in this bizarre, in-between place. I saw... I saw my mother again.”
Shock splashed across his striking face. “What?”
“It really wasn’t her. More like her spirit. All of us were connected—are connected. When the Lilin died and I was dying, she was able to come to me.” I paused, frowning. “She was kind of a bitch. Again.”
Roth let out a surprised laugh. “I could’ve told you that.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, but told him what Lilith had said to me. “She talked to me for a little bit, and then the world started falling apart around me. I thought I heard her say that she had loved me when she’d first held me as a baby, but I’m not sure. That really doesn’t match everything else she said to me.
“Anyway, Lilith told me that I was dying and it felt like... It felt like I blinked and then I was in the tree house. It didn’t feel like days had passed. Maybe minutes, at the most an hour or so. I didn’t think I’d get this—a second chance. I’m still not sure how I did.”
Pain flickered over his face, and it resonated within me. His voice was low when he spoke. “I never thought I’d see you again. That I’d spend an eternity wanting you—mourning you. I could’ve dealt with that if I knew you were alive and happy. It would’ve been hard. I probably would’ve spent a lot of time banging my head off a wall if you ended up with Stony.” He paused. “And I probably would’ve also been a creepy stalker keeping tabs on you. I mean, I’m a demon. What does anyone expect? But as hard as that would have been on me, I could bear it because you would’ve been alive.”
Turning my head, I kissed his palm. “This isn’t some kind of dream or hallucination, is it?”
“I don’t think so, but if that’s the case, I don’t want to wake up from it.” His nose brushed mine as he spoke. “I could spend forever like this.”
I bit down on my lip, knowing so much more still needed to be said. “It was so hard leaving your bed—leaving you. I want you to know that. I didn’t do it lightly. It hurt, Roth, and it was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. All I could’ve hoped was that one day you’d forgive me and find some sort of peace, because I had to do it. I had to...”
“You needed to...save the world,” he said softly. “And you did. Look at you, you little hero, saving mankind from the apocalypse.”
“I guess I did.” That felt weird to think, to believe in. I kind of felt like someone owed me a lifetime
supply of sugar-cookie dough, my favorite thing in the world to eat. “This is going to sound terrible to admit, but when I...well, after everything happened and I was lying there, I thought that saving the world really wasn’t worth it, because I—”
“I get what you’re saying. You don’t even need to finish the sentence, and no, it doesn’t make you a terrible person. If I’d had my way, we’d be lounging in some far-off island as the world around us went to shit.”
“No, you wouldn’t have left.”
A single dark brow rose. “You give me too much credit, Layla. That’s exactly what I was planning. I was pretty much going to kidnap you and whisk you away. I figured we could survive, even against the Alphas, while drinking mojitos and getting a suntan. We’d try at least, and I was willing to watch the world burn if that meant being there with you to watch it. I wouldn’t have sacrificed you. My...compassion for others, with the exception of you, does not run that deep.”
He was being honest and he was a demon, so it wasn’t really like I could fault him for any of that.
“So that was all with Lilith?” He smoothed his thumb along my cheek. When I nodded, he frowned. “I don’t understand. How did you get back here?”
“You mean how am I alive?”
His lips pursed. “I was trying to avoid saying that, so I didn’t sound ungrateful or anything.”
“I don’t know how, Roth. I was wondering if you did something. Made another deal, maybe?”
“I tried. Went to the witches, but they said there was nothing they could do,” he explained. “I did get to see Bambi. Well, Bambi peeled herself off that woman the moment I showed up. It was... I needed to see her then.” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t do this, Layla. Trust me. If I could gloat about saving you, I would be all over that, but this... I had nothing to do with this.”
“Then who?” I whispered.
He gave a little shake of his head. “I don’t know. Had to be a higher being. Maybe the Alphas?”
I snort-laughed. Real attractive, but I couldn’t help it. “Doubtful. They hate me. They probably threw a pizza party in the clouds when they learned I was gone.”
“Pizza party?” he murmured, the corner of his lips tipping up slightly. “More like a kegger.”
“Thanks.”
That slight grin grew a little more as he lifted his gaze to mine. “You know what? Doesn’t matter. You’re here. That’s all that matters to me.”
I wasn’t sure if it did matter who saved me, but there was a part of me that still worried, because what if some random creature came to collect, like the witches had? I didn’t like the idea of someone showing up to demand payment at any given time.
Unless it had been Castiel, because I was totally cool with him rising me up from perdition if that was what happened.
Roth guided my head back and he kissed me, lingering in a way that made my toes curl. “Right now, all I want to think about is the fact that you’re here. That’s all I can focus on.” He caught my lower lip in a quick, delicious little nip. “If someone or something comes knocking one day looking for payback, we’ll face it together.”
Wiggling so our bodies were pressed close, I buried my face against his chest. “Together,” I whispered.
“Together,” he repeated. “Never again will you have to face anything like that alone. No matter what. I’m going to be glued to your freaking hip if need be.”
For the first time since I woke up in the tree house, an acute tension eased out of my muscles and I smiled. Even during all the beautiful, hands-on welcome home Roth had given me, I hadn’t really smiled. I’d done a lot of other things, but now, as he kissed the top of my head, all I could do was beam.
No matter what, we would face anything that came our way together.
Roth rolled me onto my back. Hovering over me with his weight supported on powerful arms, he grinned that one-sided grin that used to infuriate me to no end. But now it was a glimpse of the Roth I fell in love with; the Roth I was going to do my damnedest to spend eternity with.
thirty-one
“SO...WHAT’S IT FEEL like to die and come back to life?”
I shook my head as I frowned down at the cell phone. “You’ve asked me that question, like, three times already.”
Stacey’s snort echoed through the bathroom. “I’m asking every day I talk to you just to make sure nothing has changed and you’re not going to turn into a zombie. I don’t wanna have to go all Rick Grimes on your ass.”
Rolling my eyes, I twisted the length of my hair in a top bun, and then shoved about a hundred pins in to keep it in place. “That’s not going to happen, and I’d be a walker, not a zombie.”
“Semantics,” she replied. “Am I going to see you today?”
I nodded, and then realized, like an idiot, she couldn’t see me. “Yeah, I think Roth and I were planning to swing by this evening. He mentioned something about picking up cheese fries.”
Stacey and her mom, along with her baby brother, were still staying at her mom’s sister’s house. They hoped to be in a new home by spring, but her aunt’s house was as nice as the McMansion Cayman had acquired.
“Have I told you lately how much I like Roth and all his good ideas?” she said.
Laughing, I picked my sweater up off the counter. “You like him because he brings you food.”
“I’d like him even better if he acted like a real demon and turned my brother into a frog or something,” she muttered.
As I dragged the thick sweater on over my head, Robin darted across my shoulder and ended up stretched out along my lower back. “I don’t think Roth has the capability to do that.”
“He could try,” was her response, and I could practically hear the pout in her voice. Picking up the phone, I turned it off Speaker as I headed into the bedroom. I frowned as I spied one of the kittens curled up in a fuzzy little ball atop the scarf I planned on wearing. It was Thor.
Dammit.
A familiar pang of loss hit me in the chest as I cautiously approached the bed. I missed Bambi. After things had settled down a little, I’d remembered that Roth had mentioned seeing her. We’d reached out to the coven and surprisingly they’d allowed us to visit. Seeing Bambi had healed some of the hurting in my chest. I knew she was happy and she was okay, treated like a princess, but still, even though the apocalypse was averted, she no longer belonged to us.
“So...” Stacey drew the word out. “Are you getting ready to go talk to Zayne?”
I stopped a few feet from the bed, my brows knitting. “What? How do you know I’m doing that?”
“Zayne told me he’d texted you yesterday,” she answered.
Thor lifted its head.
“I didn’t know he told you that,” I murmured absently, distracted by wondering how I was supposed to gain access to my scarf without shedding blood.
“It doesn’t...bother you that Zayne and I talk, does it?”
“What?” I ignored the way the kitten’s ears flattened. “No. It doesn’t bother me. Why would it?”
“I don’t know,” Stacey murmured. “I just wanted to make sure.”
I shook my head even though, again, she couldn’t see it. “I think it’s great that you’re spending time with Zayne.” And I really, truly meant that. Stacey had lost Sam, and Zayne had lost his father...and, in a way, he’d lost me. At least that was how it felt sometimes. “You guys are there for each other, and that’s amazing. I just didn’t know he told you about texting me.”
“Good,” she replied. “I’m happy to hear that, because it’s nice... It’s just good to have him around right now.” There was a pause. “Is Roth going with you?”
I snorted. “Uh, no. If Roth went with me, they would spend the entire time trying to outsnark one another.”
Stacey giggled. “You know, if it wasn’t for you, I think they’d have an epic bromance.”
Zayne and Roth bromancing it out? Doubtful.
“Well, I’ll let you go, but call me when you g
et done and let me know how everything goes with Zayne. Okay?”
“All right. I’ll talk to you soon.” After saying goodbye to Stacey, I slipped the phone in my back pocket, and then took a deep breath. I may be one badass half demon, half Warden, half something else entirely, but these damn kittens terrified me.
Snapping forward, I grabbed the edge of my scarf and yanked hard as I jumped back from the bed. The little demonic ball of fur flopped onto its back, four paws sticking up at the ceiling. It just lay there, swirling its tail back and forth over the comforter.
“Sorry?” I said, backing away.
Thor turned its head toward me and meowed the most pitiful sound known to man. I almost started toward it, to make sure it was okay, but then I caught myself. “I’m not falling for that. You’re fine.”
The kitten’s ears pinned back as it rolled onto its side. Then it popped onto its little paws and strutted across the bed, and I mean, it strutted, tail swaying and all. What an evil little turd.
Looping the scarf around my neck, I headed downstairs. I could hear Cayman talking in the kitchen, something about basting versus brining, and while I wanted to believe he was talking about a turkey, I wasn’t willing to put money on it. I’d taken one step off the stairs when Roth walked through the entryway.
My heart did a cartwheel. The sight of him alone did that to me, and I doubted that would ever change.
As tall as Roth was, the height and breadth of his shoulders