CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I walked into the studio just as everyone had finished their breathing exercises. Emily barely glanced up at me as she moved into down dog, but Cole stopped and stared for a few long moments before moving into the position. I tried to draw as little attention as possible and quickly slipped my shoes off and joined the small group.
It was difficult to concentrate on the session, much less let myself really get into the breathing and stretches as I tried to figure out what I was going to say to Emily, which of the million questions to ask first. I was coming up blank and was feeling slightly panicky.
The session passed all too quickly of course and seemed to speed by in a quarter of the time it should have taken. I knew I was stalling as I took far more time than necessary to roll my mat perfectly on the floor.
“How are you, Jessica?” I glanced up when I heard the perfectly smooth voice from above me.
I stood, fumbling with the mat. Cole stood only a foot away, just slightly too close for comfort. I took a slight step backward. “I’m okay,” I stuttered. “It was a long night.”
“I’m sure,” he said, his eyes boring into my own. It was difficult to find the will to look away, despite the feeling of recoil spreading through my entire body. “I wanted to invite you to come over tonight, maybe watch a movie or something. I thought you could use a little break from everything.”
“Um…” I scrambled to know what to answer. “I’m not really sure what I have going on today. We’ll see how things pan out, you know, considering what happened yesterday. I’ll have to call you later and let you know.”
Within those infinitely deep and captivating eyes I caught that glimpse of Mr. Hyde. A flash of irritation and perhaps impatience. This time however he did not work to swiftly change it to that perfect smile and gentle expression. He simply slipped into a neutral look. “Let me know then,” he said as he pulled a piece of paper out of his jacket, quickly scribbling something on it. As I reached out for it he maneuvered himself and wrapped his arms around me.
“Things will work out the way they should, trust me,” he whispered.
I couldn’t suppress the shiver that ran down my back nor did I fail to notice how my scar prickled as I felt his breath brush the side of my neck.
As he stepped away, I could only nod and accept the paper he had written his number on. My hands rose to my temples and rubbed at the dull throb that started there as I watched him walk out the door.
“Dang girl,” I heard Emily as she walked toward me. “Care to share one of the two Mr. McDreamies’ you seem to have snagged?”
I tried to clear my head, which now seemed to be in a fog, and come back with something to her comment but could only manage half a smile.
“You okay?” she said as she eyed me.
“Yeah,” I lied, and followed her to the low bench in front of a huge window looking out at the parking lot. I barely caught a glimpse of Cole’s black car peeling out.
“Did everything go alright last night after I left?” Emily probed, her eyes looking concerned.
“Yeah, I guess. Sal woke up and started spouting off some gibberish about not trusting him and how he tricked her. Who ‘he’ is I have no idea,” I added as she started to ask the question. “They asked us to leave after that and said they would be in touch with me soon. I’m going up to the hospital in just a bit.”
After this explanation there wasn’t much more avoiding the conversation we both knew loomed before us. “We um…never got to talk last night.”
Emily stared at a certain point on the floor and nodded. She was quiet for nearly a full minute before she seemed to find the words.
“What did you do to bring on the nightmares?” she finally asked, meeting my eyes with a probing stare.
“Bring them on?” I questioned, wondering what on Earth she was talking about. “I don’t know that anything brought them on, I’ve just had them as long as I can remember.”
A deep furrow formed between Emily’s eyes as she seemed to consider this. After a moment she finally spoke again. “I was twelve when they started for me. I always thought I was cursed with them as some kind of cruel punishment.”
I waited silently for her to go on, assuming she would explain further and make some kind of sense.
“My father died when I was three in an industrial accident. My mother remarried way too fast to a man she shouldn’t have. He abused me sexually for years and my mother refused to believe it.
“Finally, when I was twelve, I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t think I could live through another one of his assaults. So, I went into my mother’s medicine cabinet and found some of her sleeping pills. I counted out what was left. There were ten of them. I figured that would be enough to do the job.
“It didn’t take long for the drugs to start to kick in. I got so tired and crawled into our tree house in the backyard. I wanted to die somewhere I felt safe and my stepdad had never touched me there.
“That was the first time I had a nightmare. The first time I had the X branded into the back of my neck and the wings appeared. The drugs didn’t work and instead of escaping the hell I was trying to get out of, I was thrust into one that was just as terrifying. Like I said, I have always assumed it happened to me as some kind of cruel and unjust punishment for trying to kill myself.
“Darren tried to rape me one more time after the nightmares started but as soon as he saw the scars he was so terrified he never touched me again. So for that I was grateful for them.”
This seemed to be the end of Emily’s story as she stared into empty space, as if remembering the feel of having her step-father touch her in a way no man should touch a twelve-year-old girl.
“And they happen every time you sleep?” I whispered, hoping she might give me an answer to give me hope.
“They did,” she said as she squeezed her eyes closed.
“Did?” I breathed, sliding a little closer on the bench to her. My heart began to race painfully in my chest. “They’ve stopped?”
She nodded once.
“How?” I nearly shrieked as I stood, unable to control all the feelings that were now rushing though my system. “Emily, you have to tell me how to make them stop?!”
With her eyes still shut she simply shook her head. “I can’t. I’m so sorry”
“Why not?” I demanded, finally coming to a standstill before her.
“It won’t be worth it to you to make them stop. I can’t let you do that to yourself.”
I dropped to my knees before her and took one of her hands in mine. “Emily, please,” I whispered, feeling tears spring into my eyes.
She shook her head again, still refusing to open her eyes. “You will hate me.”
I pleaded for several minutes but Emily wouldn’t give. Finally she stood, announced she had to go, and literally ran out the door.
Feeling totally flustered, confused, and angry, I rubbed the sides of my head again. The throbbing I had felt earlier had definitely gotten worse.
After taking a few minutes to calm myself down, I picked up the courtesy phone and called Alex, telling him to meet me at the hospital in a few minutes.
I was waiting in the lobby when Alex walked through the doors and despite my flustered and anxious state, my pulse quickened and a smile spread on my lips. He returned the smile and reached for my hand as we approached the front desk. I had never had a feeling as right as when my fingers were intertwined with Alex’s.
“We’re here to see Miss Sally Thomas,” I said quietly to the young looking receptionist.
“Your name?” she asked, sounding absolutely bored.
“Jessica Bailey.”
It took the girl a few moments to look something up on a computer. I noticed she chewed on the inside of her cheek as she worked.
“Okay,” she said with a slight sigh,
not bothering to look up and meet my eye. “Miss. Thomas was moved from her room in the E.R. this morning into another room. Go up to the second floor and check in at the front desk there and they will give you her room number.”
I thanked her quickly and made my way across the large room to the elevator.
“How’d things go with Emily?” Alex asked as the doors slid closed.
“Um,” I struggled to know how to answer. “I’m not sure. I’ll tell you about it when we get home. I’m still trying to make sense of it all but I’d like to just be able to focus on Sal right now.”
Alex only nodded before wrapping an arm around my shoulders and gave a tight squeeze.
The voices talking over the intercom sounded strange, like they couldn’t have originated from a human’s mouth. Everyone in the hospital seemed so somber as they stood in hallways, sat in waiting rooms.
My mom ushered Amber and I down a hallway of wide wooden doors. I glanced up at her face. Her eyes were red and swollen. I had heard her crying in the night. She took a tissue out of her pocket and wiped at her nose.
We stopped at room 325 and knocked softly. Not getting any answer, we let ourselves in.
My nine-year-old eyes had never seen a dying person until that point. My mother’s mother was dying from some infection that I didn’t understand. I just knew it was making my mom hurt too.
“Go give Nana a kiss,” mom said as she hung her purse on the hook secured to the back of the door.
I hesitated at the foot of the bed, eying the wrinkled sleeping woman. Her eyes looked like they were sinking into her head, her white hair thin and flayed around her head. Five-year-old Amber rushed up to her and softly pressed a kiss to her forehead. I didn’t want to, Nana smelled strange. It frightened me.
“You don’t have to, Jessica,” my mother said softly as she sat in a seat by the bed. She gave me a sad little smile. Her eyes were pooled with tears that hadn’t left since she got that call.
“Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom,” Amber said as she squirmed on her chair next to Nana.
“Can you hold it sweetie? Daddy should get here in just a few minutes.”
Amber shook her head and hopped up from the chair.
My mom gave a sigh. “Okay, come on. Jessica, wait here with Nana. Dad should be here any time.”
They left, leaving me alone.
I felt anxious, sitting with the woman I didn’t really know. Nana had only recently moved to Idaho from Arizona. She complained how the cold made her bones hurt and made her skin dry. Now her skin just smelled strange. I didn’t remember her smelling that way before.
Not sure what to do with myself, I sat in Amber’s chair and watched the monitor with the green and red lines and lights. The beeping started slowing down, the peeks rising in the green line coming more infrequently. Nana’s smell got stronger.
The machine suddenly let out a flat, loud wail that didn’t stop. Before I knew what to do, the door had burst open and a few nurses filled the room. Thirty seconds later my mom stood in the doorway, her hand pressed over her mouth, Amber holding her hand.
My breath came in painful shallow gasps. Nana was dead. I knew where dead people went. The angels thought I was those dead people.
The doors opened with a soft ding and we made our way down more comfortable looking halls than the ones in the E.R. to the reception desk. A woman with friendly brown eyes and short graying hair actually met my eyes.
“We’re here to see Sally Thomas,” I repeated to this woman.
The woman only nodded before turning to the computer and keying in a few things. “She’s in room 254,” she said with a kind smile.
“Now might not be the best time to see Miss Thomas,” a nurse said with a huff as she walked behind the counter of the reception area. “She just threw quite the screaming fit. She was throwing everything she could get her hands on at the door and anyone that moved. Kept screaming at everyone, asking why we let him in. She kept going off about how he tried to kill her. He tricked her. We finally had to sedate her.”
My brow creased as I listened to the nurse’s account. “Has anyone been in to see Sal?”
“No one signed in this morning and our security system is tight in this area of the hospital. The only people who have been in her room are a few nurses and Dr. Stanton. She’s the doctor who was assigned to her when she was discharged from the E.R.”
I glanced at Alex and saw that he wore the same confused expression I did. “Can we see her?”
“She’s going to be pretty out of it right now, if she hasn’t fallen asleep yet, but you’re welcome to go back. Dr. Stanton said she wanted to talk to you today, since you’re listed as her caretaker.”
We thanked the two women and hurried down the hall. “What is all that supposed to mean?” Alex whispered. “She was going off about ‘him’ last night, or I guess this morning, as well. Who is this man she keeps talking about?”
I shook my head. “Is she maybe having flashbacks of her husband?” I mused aloud. It seemed unlikely. I hadn’t heard her talk about her husband for a very long time other than in her sleep.
“I don’t know,” Alex said as he slowed and I realized we were already at Sal’s room.
We let ourselves in and closed the door softly behind us. The lights were off and the drapes had been pulled closed, the only light coming from the few pieces of beeping and flashing equipment. I noticed everything possible had been pulled well out of her reach.
Sal’s hair was disheveled and her clothes looked askew, but she seemed to be asleep as her head sagged toward her shoulder in an uncomfortable looking way.
“Poor Sal,” I said as I moved to her bedside. I found a few pillows on the floor, almost under her bed, and arranged them under her head to try and make her more comfortable. Sal gave a soft snore but did not stir.
We each took a seat next to her bed and watched her as she breathed quietly.
The door was perfectly silent as it swung open and a face that looked much too young to fit the title of doctor that was displayed on her badge appeared. Her face was narrow and as fragile looking as a porcelain doll’s and her hair hung in soft brown waves. Her frame looked as breakable as her face.
“I’m Dr. Stanton,” she said quietly as we each rose to shake the hand she extended. “I was about to call you when the nurses told me you came in.”
She asked us to sit and joined us on a small rolling stool as she produced a very professional looking chart.
“I will keep this brief and to the point,” she said, though her face remained kind. “I’ve spoken to Dr. Ostler who admitted Sally last night as well as her regular doctor. We each feel that it would be best if she were admitted on a semi-permanent basis into our psychiatric clinic for an extensive evaluation. As the doctor told you last night, it is apparent that Miss Thomas tried to commit suicide and we want to be absolutely certain she will not be a danger to herself. She also seems to be hallucinating. As the nurse told you, she seems to think there is a man who has visited her and she also seems to think it was this same man who told her to take the pills. So,” she said as she flipped through a few papers and pulled one out, “We would like you to sign this if you consent to the treatment. Sally has extensive coverage that will cover everything, but since you are listed as her caretaker, we do need your permission first.”
My head spun as I tried to comprehend everything this young doctor was telling me. “How long would she have to stay in the clinic?” I whispered, my voice sounding hoarse.
“It’s difficult to say exactly, but we would like to keep her for at least two weeks and evaluate her as we go. It could possibly be shorter than, that but it may also be much longer.”
I glanced at Alex and felt my hands start shaking. He put a comforting hand on my back and rubbed small circles into it. br />
I took a deep breath before I could answer. “If you think that is what is best then I guess that is what we should do.”
The doctor nodded once before handing me the form and a pen. My writing was barely legible as I signed and dated on several different lines.
“We will be in touch as soon as we get Sally moved into the clinic. It will probably take a day or two to get everything filed and ready.”
Dr. Stanton thanked each of us quietly, then rose and left the room quiet as a ghost.
“I don’t even know what to say about this,” I barely managed to whisper as I stared back at Sal’s still form. “It all just seems so bizarre.”
“I know,” Alex said as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders reassuringly. “Did you want to stay with her longer?”
I thought about it for just a moment. “No,” I replied. “It sounds like she will be out for a while so we could come back later.”
“Let’s go get some lunch before we head back home,” Alex said as he rose and pulled me to my feet.
“Give me just a second,” I said as I hesitated at Sal’s side.
Alex nodded once before he stepped just outside the door.
I wasn’t sure what to say or do as I stood by Sal’s side. I felt so sorry for her, for how messed up her life had gotten and how none of what happened to her in the last ten years or so was her fault. And yet at the same time, I couldn’t help but be a little angry with her. I still couldn’t believe she would do this to herself, to me.
Trying to compose myself, I bent and pressed a light kiss to her forehead. Her skin felt clammy and ice cold. I pulled the blanket she seemed to have kicked down to her knees up to her chest.
Something white caught my attention as it fell from the blanket to the floor. When I crouched to pull it from under the bed I was confused at first, wondering how in the world it had gotten into a hospital room. It was a perfectly white feather, about five inches in length and perfectly shaped, with absolutely no flaws in it. I had never felt anything so soft and smooth.
I turned it over in my hands several times as I examined it in the dim light. It seemed strange that it ended up in a hospital room. I certainly hoped there were no birds in this hospital, much less any that were big enough to lose a feather this size.
“Jessica?” I heard Alex call from the door.
I silently slipped the feather into my purse. “Sorry,” I whispered as I crossed the room and closed the door quietly behind me.
“Things will be okay,” Alex said with a sad smile as we started back down the hall. “We’ll all make it through this and things will work out.”
“I sure hope so,” I sighed as I pressed the button to call the elevator.
We ended up just getting something to go from my favorite burger place in town before heading back home. True to Washington winters, it started to pour just as we got onto the freeway.