CHAPTER THIRTY
After what had to have been at least a week, pain sank into every corner of my body and it was all I could do to not scream out. No pleasant visions filled my head and all I could think of was the fact that I just wanted it to be over. I was tired of the slow descent toward death.
My brain did not even register the sound of the door being unlocked or the way light spilled into the room. I barely even noticed when the bed shook just slightly. An all too audible sigh slipped out of me though when the hands I had wished for softly traced down from my temple to my jaw.
“It will be over soon,” the beautiful voice said. My eyes searched crazily for the face I longed to see. Everything around me seemed so blurry but when I finally found his face it cleared. I could see every devastatingly beautiful feature of him.
His face seemed sad, all too serious. A face like that should never look sad. I wanted to reach out and touch it, to tell him that everything was okay, but something inside of me knew it wasn’t. I also couldn’t muster the strength to lift even my fingers.
“The time is fast approaching. You must make the decision,” he whispered. “Are you willing to risk that we might not be able to be together? That you might be taken away from me?”
My brow furrowed as he said this. I didn’t like talk like that. Of course we should be together. I should listen to everything he said. He loved me. Everything he had done thus far was evidence of that. I gave a slight shake of the head, all I could manage through the pain.
With this Cole’s eyes brightened a bit, his jaw unclenched just slightly. “There is something you must do before it happens, before you go. We must guarantee we will be able to be together. We must not take that risk, right?”
My head felt muddled and clouded as I shook my head again.
“You have to make sure where you will be placed,” he said, his voice low and serious sounding. I felt something cold being placed in my hand, like metal of some kind. “The pain doesn’t have to keep going on. You can make it stop and make certain that we will be together at the same time.”
I lifted my head slightly to see the object that rested in my hand. It was small, hard, and a shiny silver color. The barrel curved beautifully and perfectly and the trigger begged for me to pull it. To end it all.
My eyes never left the gun, even as Cole rose again and left. Even when I was plunged back into darkness I continued to stare through the dark at where I knew it was in my hand.
He was right. I didn’t have to keep suffering through the pain like this. I didn’t have to deal with the sickness, the chills and the fever. And if I chose to end it all I could guarantee that Cole and I would be together. That was what I wanted, wasn’t it?
I felt as if a heavy drug had been placed into my system and that drug was telling me that this was of course what I wanted. It weighed me down and made me feel sluggish. But it was so strong, I had a hard time fighting with it, telling it that I wasn’t sure if that was what I wanted.
The gun sat in my hand, a comforting and yet terrifying weight. My head continued to spin and my body raged with aches but I couldn’t bring myself to take that final step. I wanted for it to be over with but I did not feel ready to move on. There seemed to be something else I needed to do, something I needed to take care of.
As I struggled to clear my head, I thought of the reason I needed to wait, even for just another day or so. I needed to make sure those I loved would be safe when I left them behind. I had to get a reassurance from Cole.
I was anxious for Cole to come back into my room but thankfully I did not have to wait long.
“I’ve decided,” I croaked, my voice sounding almost inhuman. “I’ll do it. I’m ready for it to be over. But I need to know that they are safe. Is my family safe?”
Cole’s look was triumphant as he took my hand in his. “Of course. They are safe at home; no harm has come to them.”
“And Sal,” I strained to keep my voice loud enough to be heard. “I need to see her before I go. I have to make sure she will be taken care of.”
Cole’s expression became serious as he considered this. He did not say anything for a good half a minute. “Alright,” he nodded. “If you give me your promise, I will take you to see her in the morning. It’s too late at night right now.”
I felt that strange fog press more heavily on my mind but I only nodded, my lips unwilling to say the words I was still unsure about.
“Get some rest,” he whispered as he stroked his hand along my cheek, sending the wonderful tingles shooting through my skin. “I will take you in the morning.”
The next morning I woke feeling like a new woman despite the trial I had just experienced. While I still did not feel perfectly healthy, my body only slightly ached, the chills did not shake me and my skin felt almost normal temperature. The world did not tilt in sickening ways.
For the first time since I had come to be in my room, Cole let me out. I was not allowed to go far though. I walked out of my room and he helped me as I walked a few feet down the hall to a bathroom. The light was blinding and disorienting after sitting in the dark for days and days.
After Cole left me in the bathroom, I looked around to see he had set out soap and the necessities to wash my hair. There was also a stack of familiar looking clothes sitting on the counter. I began to wonder how he had gotten them but realized it would have been only all too easy for him to obtain them. No one would have seen him enter the house to retrieve them, even if they were looking straight at him.
The water felt like new life washing over me as I stood in the shower. My body suddenly felt disgusting and wasted. I had trouble even recalling when the last time I had showered was. At the same time, I realized I had not even needed the use of a bathroom since I had woken up here.
While I was reluctant to turn the water off, I was even more anxious to see Sal, as Cole had promised. I finished getting ready as quickly as possible.
When I emerged from the steamy bathroom, Cole was sitting at the bottom of a flight of steps that led to an unseen place. His expression was calm and I had no way to guess what thoughts were behind those captivating eyes.
“How do you feel?” he asked as he rose and stood before me. He placed his hands on the sides of my arms, rubbing up and down them slightly.
“Wonderful,” I said.
“You should get some rest for a while,” he said, his eyes suddenly burning into mine with intensity.
With those words the world went dark.
I woke from wonderful visions of Cole and I on a sandy beach to the pleasant softness of his voice in my ear, calling to me to wake. His eyes were intense as always yet soft in a way that threatened to melt me into butter at any moment.
“We are here,” he said softly as he pushed a bit of hair out of my face.
I sat up straight, realizing we were in Cole’s car, sitting in the parking lot of the institute.
“I will give you as much time as you need,” he said, his voice low and intimate as he continued to look into my face. “Call me at this number when you are finished.” He handed me a slip of paper. I didn’t even look at it as I slipped it into my pocket.
Cole reached across me and pushed my door open. Without a second thought I stepped out into the grey, overcast day.
I was glad to see that the halls and front desk were deserted as I walked straight toward Sal’s room. After giving three sharp taps on the door, I let myself in.
I did not see Sal right away when I entered the room and was almost panicked that she might not even be in here when I remembered Sal’s old tendencies. After a moments search I found her curled into a ball with a blanket pulled over her head at the foot of the bed on the floor. She startled awake as I uncovered her.
“Jessica?” she whi
spered sleepily.
“Yeah, it’s me,” I whispered as I sat on the floor next to her, leaning my tender frame against the wall.
Sal struggled to disentangle herself from the blanket as she sat up. She rested her back against the bed, staring at me long and hard.
“You look terrible,” she said quite clearly after a moment. “Like my cousin who used to do drugs, kind of,” she sounded like her normal self an instant later.
I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. Inside, my thoughts tried to clear and a faint voice tried to tell me how I felt a bit like I was on drugs.
“Is everything okay, Jessica?” Sal asked, her expression full of concern.
I didn’t answer her immediately as that small voice in the back of my head tried to tell me something else. It was too faint to hear it. “It will be soon,” I replied.
She seemed confused at my reply but I continued before she could ask any questions.
“I need you to request that your caretaker be switched to Alex,” I said suddenly, unsure of the best way to word everything I needed to say. “He can help you with everything you need like I have.”
“Why?” Sal asked, her voice sounding slightly hurt.
“Because,” I said with a sigh. “I have to go away. I have to leave.” This seemed the easiest way to put things. “Besides, you will be going home soon.”
“No!” Sal said too loudly as she shook her head violently. “I can’t! He’s there; he knows where to find me!”
“Cole is leaving too,” I said softly, not quite meeting Sal’s eyes. “He will be gone soon so you can go home.”
I could feel her eyes boring into my face but I could not bring myself to look at her.
“He’s a bad man, Jessica. You can’t go with him. You can’t trust him.”
I still couldn’t look at her. “We have to leave. We can’t stay.”
She looked at me for a long time without saying anything. She was abnormally still as she considered what I had said. “I don’t understand.”
I didn’t say anything for a while. Feeling stiff and sore, I slid across the floor to sit beside her. I put one arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. “I am so happy to have met you Sal,” I said, my voice low as I tried to keep tears out of it. “You’ve been one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I am going to miss you so much but I know Alex will take good care of you.”
Sal continued her quizzical stare. “I don’t understand,” she repeated. “Don’t leave. I don’t want you to go.”
A tear spilled down my cheek as I squeezed my eyes closed. “I have to. I don’t have any choice. My time here is up.”
“I don’t understand,” Sal whispered again, her bottom lip trembled slightly as tears of her own spilled onto her cheeks.
I met Sal’s eyes and the tears poured down my face freely. “I have to go now,” I whispered. “You know I love you, Sal.”
She shook her head but with a tearful voice said “And I love you too.”
Knowing that if I were to stay any longer I would be in danger of having a total meltdown, I placed a kiss on Sal’s forehead and climbed numbly to my feet. I hesitated in the doorway. Sal’s expression was so confused; seeing the tears running down her face sent a fresh wave of my own down my cheeks. “Good-bye,” I said quietly.
I closed the door behind me and again glad there was no one around, I tried to wipe the moisture from my face. Without even looking in a mirror I knew I wasn’t a pretty sight. Crying did horrible things to my face, combined with what being sick had done to my body, I was terrifying. I did not even know the person who had looked back at me in the mirror this morning. She was a skeleton, a ghost of the happy woman I had been just a few short weeks before.
It only took a few minutes for Cole to reach the institute after I called him. I didn’t look into his face as I climbed into the passenger seat. My eyes didn’t focus on much of anything and my mind couldn’t seem to either.
“Can we just drive for a while?” I heard myself ask. “Just for a while?”
I didn’t see Cole nod nor did he say anything but the car rolled forward and pulled onto the street.
The passing of the buildings behind us was numbing in a comforting way for some reason. I didn’t know why I had made my request. Bellingham had been a refuge I had fled to I supposed but I felt no burning need to say goodbye to the city.
Eventually civilization fell behind us and Cole turned down a road that did not look well-traveled. The evergreens towered above us, growing thicker and thicker the farther we drove. Springy ferns started growing closer and closer to the road. A heavy mist descended from the sky, thick enough that Cole had to turn the windshield wipers on low.
The pavement fell away to gravel after a while, forcing Cole to drive slower as the road curved around. Eventually it ended with a parking lot that consisted only of two logs to indicate where to park. There was a short grassy stretch of a few feet before it gave way to small rocks that faded into the water.
My mind was blank as I opened the door and let myself out of the car. Cole remained perfectly still as he watched me walk out toward the ocean.
I didn’t bother looking around for a large rock or a log to sit on. The gravel seemed dry enough, though I didn’t particularly care, so I sat right down, the ocean lapping just a few inches from my toes. I stared out over the misty water to the green forms that loomed barely above it. I didn’t come to the ocean often but from looking at a map once I knew the closest island I could see was Lummi, owned by a tribe of Indians, behind that was Orcas Island, and somewhere beyond that was Vancouver Island. I had been so close to them for nearly two years and had still never taken the trip out to visit any of the San Juan Islands that littered the space between the mainland and the huge Canadian island.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, relishing in the strong sent of ocean life. I faintly heard the horn of a ferry sound off in the distance, trying to give warning to any smaller boats that might be hidden in the mist. I dug my hands into the stones and sand beneath me, enjoying the feeling of Mother Nature.
A small sense of closure had settled on me since I left the institute. I knew Sal would be alright. She would be confused and hurt but she would be fine. Cole had assured me that my family was safe. I had no reason to think that Emily might be in any immediate trouble. But there was still one very important person I had no guarantee about.
I had been very careful in not saying anything about Alex to Cole. A part of me knew that this was best, to keep my mouth shut. I had to think that Alex would be safer if he was left out of everything. I could never go completely satisfied, not knowing that he would be alright, but I had to believe he would be. Alex could take care of himself.