CHAPTER EIGHT
The night felt peacefully still as stars struggled to break through the clouds overhead. The soft blanket of snow that draped over everything gave it almost a warm feel. I could hear snow dropping off branches somewhere in the distance.
Neither of us said anything as we took the short walk back. I was learning to like that about Alex; he didn’t feel the need to constantly fill the silence.
The way my body felt so constantly aware of his presence next to mine unsettled me. I had only known the man four days. I shouldn’t be having the overpowering desire to reach out and take his hand in mine so soon, or ever really. We lived together. I had serious issues that were completely out of my control. There were way too many complications that could and would arise from letting something become of my feelings.
We were nearly to the door when the wind gusted in our faces, nearly knocking the breath from my lungs. Just as we opened the door the snow began to fall again.
As we shoved the door closed, we both broke out into laughter as I tried to tame my hair back into order. I closed my eyes as Alex pulled strands of hair from my face, enjoying his nearness far more than I should.
After a moment, I opened them again and was almost startled to find him still only inches away, his brilliant blue eyes staring intensely into my own.
My breath caught in my throat as I thought he leaned in just a fraction of an inch closer and I could see the struggle that was taking place in his eyes. My heart hammered and I silently prayed he couldn’t hear it.
“I have something for you,” he finally breathed after an intense moment, backing away slightly and removing his coat.
“Really?” I stammered. I took my coat and boots off, feeling suddenly embarrassed.
“Hang on,” he said as he finished taking his outside things off, heading for the master bedroom.
I took a seat on one of the two couches before the grand fireplace and only had to wait a short moment before he came back into the room, a thin black case in his hands. As he sat next to me, my heart started to hammer again in anticipation.
“When my grandma died, she left quite the collection of sparkly things to me. Obviously I am never going to have any use for them so I’d like to give this to you.”
He seemed slightly uncomfortable as he handed me the case. “I didn’t get you anything,” I said, dismay obvious in my voice, as I took the box.
“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” he said with a chuckle. “And like I said, it’s not like I actually went out and bought something.”
I opened the box and stared at the shiny object that lay within it. It was a bracelet, intricate and delicate. Tiny silver colored leaves wrapped up and down the entire thing, shiny jewels that looked dangerously like diamonds set between each one.
“Alex, it’s beautiful,” I whispered as I pulled it out.
“May I?” he asked as he reached for it. Despite the size of his hands, he had little trouble with the tiny clasp. “I thought it suited you. Kind of reminded me of you when I saw it.”
Just before I snapped the box closed I noticed the name of the designer on the inside of the lid and a little gasp escaped my lips. I didn’t know of any designers who made higher quality or more expensive jewelry than this. It had to be worth thousands of dollars.
“Alex, I…” the words came out stammered. “I can’t.”
“Jessica, please don’t argue with me. I want you to have it. And really, what am I going to do with it? I hate to imagine what you might think of me if I started wearing it.”
I couldn’t help but laugh aloud as that half grin broke on his face.
“When you put it that way I guess it doesn’t seem so bad,” I said as the laughter died out.
He reached for my arm and held my hand lightly as he observed his gift there. My heart shuttered and my skin warmed under his touch, making it tingle.
“Perfect,” he said with a smile.
We sat in silence for a moment, both just staring at the beautiful bracelet. It was getting harder to resist the temptation to lift my head and let my lips find his by the second. Actually it felt like pure torture.
Just as my will power was crumbling, the wind whistled against the windows, hissing at the house to let it in. In the same instant, my scar suddenly prickled and burned and without thinking, the hand Alex had been holding shot to cover it.
“I’m sorry…” Alex started as he looked up into my face, his expression slightly startled.
“No,” I said, suddenly panicking, as I stood up. “The wind just startled me, I guess.”
The confusion was obvious on his beautiful face, but at least he didn’t seem hurt or offended.
“Um…” I said as I knew my face was flushing bright red. “I’ll help you clean dinner up.”
Alex only nodded and stood to follow me to the kitchen. Neither of us said much as we worked to clean and clear the dishes. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to recover after my strange reaction. Talk about ruining the moment.
As we worked, my scar continued to prickle and I could feel my eyes growing heavier by the moment. I silently added up the hours in my head, realizing it had been more than eighty hours since I had slept. Strange, normally I could make it to almost one hundred before I felt the effects this strongly.
“I’m about ready to hit the sack,” Alex said as he closed the dishwasher and started it up.
“Me too,” I replied, wishing it wasn’t so true.
Without saying anything else, he started down the stairs. I couldn’t help the feeling of growing dread that spread through me as we descended in silence. Not so much over the fact that I was growing dangerously tired, but for the fact that Alex was getting the first hints of how strange and messed up I truly was. I had hoped before that I might be able to hide everything and was now realizing it had been a stupid thought. The scars on my back controlled my life. It wouldn’t be long before they would drive Alex away too, just like they did Jason.
Alex said a quick and quiet goodnight before we went our separate ways. I closed the door behind me with a small click, leaning against it and letting a frustrated breath out.
How could you be so stupid? I chided myself. I had been down this road before. I should know better. With the way my life was I couldn’t let anyone in too close. And it would be wrong of me to expect anyone to accept the madness that followed me. It wouldn’t be fair.
Trying to work some resolve into my thoughts, I went to the fridge and pulled out a Dr. Pepper, downing it in less than thirty seconds. I hated to admit it to myself but the effects of the caffeine didn’t really work much anymore. I refused to upgrade to something that contained higher levels of it like coffee, the taste was terrible and I couldn’t even stand the smell of it. And energy drinks always tasted like liquid Smarties to me.
My eyes were growing heavier and heavier by the moment though, and I paced the floor.
Seventeen…eighteen…nineteen…
Stop it, I scolded myself. But as soon as this thought processed another pushed it aside. It had been a few days since I had counted, aloud or internally. I couldn’t remember a time when I had gone so long without counting. It was something I always did but now I couldn’t recall the last time I had done it.
My panic was rising as I stretched my arms high above my head. I hated this time of the constant twenty-four hours that made up a day. I considered that maybe I should move to some place like Alaska. In the summer it was light almost all the time and in the winter I could find some secluded place where it didn’t matter if I slept. No one would be around to hear my screams when I woke. But I hated the cold. I learned that from living in Idaho for sixteen years.
I knew I was coming down to my last ditch effort as I changed into my skimpy, worn out pajamas and walked out the back door to the deck.
The wind blasted into my face as so
on as I stepped out, making my eyes water and sting. I could feel the goose bumps rise on my arms, felt the hair stand straight up. Everywhere but on the back of my neck, which burned and twinged uncomfortably.
The effect of waking my senses was instant but I knew it wasn’t going to last long if I were to instantly walk back into the warm and comfortable house. Despite the cold and every cell in my body telling me to turn around, I walked down the deck and out onto the dock. It thrashed violently as the water churned around it and I had to place a hand on the beams that ran into the water to keep from being thrown into the blackness.
I sat at the edge of the dock, my legs dangling over the side. Small lumps of melting snow dotted the planks. The water jumped up at my bare toes and my teeth began to chatter as the icy water sucked all heat from them. There was no possible way I was going to fall asleep out here.
It wasn’t fair for me to hope that someday Alex might be able to accept what was happening to me. People weren’t made to handle this kind of thing. I knew that all too well.
I came in the back door in an effort to avoid the girls that had paused in front of my house, chattering away about the dance coming up, the one I didn’t get asked to. The door closed noiselessly behind me as I stepped into the hall and headed toward my bedroom.
“I just don’t know if her being at home is a good idea anymore.” I heard my mother’s quieted voice coming from her bedroom. “She just isn’t moving on from this.”
I swallowed hard as I crept silently to her door. Even though it was closed I didn’t have a difficult time overhearing her.
“How many patients do you have there?” She was quiet for a moment as she listened to the person on the other line. “I just want to make sure there is adequate staff to handle such an extreme case.”
She was quiet again for a while. My stomach knotted and my fists clenched. I heard the stiffed sound of my mother’s sob.
“Thank you. We will bring her in on Monday.”
As I heard the beep of the phone being hung up, I slipped into my room. Tears soaked my cheeks, my hands trembled with the anger I felt at my mother’s betrayal.
So this is how the end happened. This is where all the fights, all the begging, and pleading finally led. I closed the door to my bedroom and pulled my suitcase out from under my bed.
I had never felt more alone than I did in this moment. There would be no good-bye. There was no one to say good-bye to.
I had no idea how long I sat on the dock, listening to the sound of the wind screaming through the trees in order to distract myself from my worst memory. Numbness was quickly spreading through my limbs. I knew the temperature had to still be hovering around freezing and when the ache and stiffness settled firmly into my joints I pulled myself painfully to my feet.
Feeling confident I could make it until morning now I made my way back to the house.
X
The deranged laughter erupted from all sides as the final judgment was passed. They stretched their hands toward me in greedy eagerness and their eyes grew wide in anticipation.
I could not bring myself to look up from my bare feet but I heard as his wings coiled then released and he landed softly beside me on the narrow bridge I stood upon. I dropped to my hands and knees without being forced, sweeping my hair away to expose the flesh there.
Despite how hard I tried to keep it contained, I could not fight the cry that leapt from my throat as the white-hot searing pain sizzled into my flesh. Unable to make my brain focus on anything but the pain, I was yanked to my feet. My head lolled from the right to the left, my neck unwilling to support its weight.
“Judgment has been placed,” I heard the voice before me sing.
I could not hold it back even if I had the will to try as another blood curdling scream erupted from me and my own set of beautiful and powerful wings ripped from my skin. Even the damned were given wings.
Those with the black eyes sprang from their seats and flew at me. Cold, clammy hands were everywhere on me and I could not shake them off.
My breath suddenly cut off completely as I was unable to make my throat open back up. It took me a moment to realize why this new sense of terror disabled me so.
One of the cold, dead sets of hands had ripped the sack from my head, leaving my face in full view.
My eyes were suddenly in a dead lock with their leader who had branded me hundreds of times. The eyes, dead as night and enchanting as black pearls, stared straight into my own and I could not look away, nor could I find the will to. They were so beautiful, so captivating, so… imprisoning.
I almost struggled against them, those with the black eyes, tried desperately to learn to use my newly given wings as the pulsing, groping mass that surrounded me tipped sideways. Anything to stare back into those eyes, the eyes of their leader. There was something in them that made me want to stare back for as long as he would allow.
As we fell over the side, the man with such captivating eyes peered over the edge and watched me fall into blackness.
I batted wildly at the strong hands that grasped my shoulders, though my panic came from another source.
“He saw me!” I screamed as my eyes tried to adjust to the darkness. “He saw me!”
“Who?” a smooth but slightly frightened voice asked in the dark.
I immediately stopped hitting the hands away and tried to make sense of my surroundings. I was laying on something soft and realized it was my own bed. My eyes finally started adjusting, a soft glow coming from a candle set on my dresser.
As Alex’s face came into view a new wave of panic settled into the pit of my stomach. I had fallen asleep and Alex had heard my screams.
“Are you okay, Jessica?” the worry in his voice heart-sinkingly evident.
I couldn’t bring myself to answer his question, couldn’t make my lips move.
“Oh, Jessica,” he whispered and wiped his thumb across my cheek. I was horrified to realize it was wet with stray tears. “It was just a nightmare. It wasn’t real, whatever it was.”
His words should have been comforting, but it only brought on a fresh round of tears. I had heard those words from my parents far too many times. If only it wasn’t real.
As Alex saw the tears that poured down my face he pulled me into his arms and I buried my face into the gap between his neck and shoulder. He ran a hand soothingly down my hair and I tried not to wince as it ran over the welted, burning, fresh scar on my neck.
“You want to talk about it?” he whispered in the darkness.
I shook my head but pulled him tighter to me with my arms.
My teeth started to chatter as the chill settled into my skin. “Why is it so cold in here?” I asked through my teeth.
“The power went out. I woke up a while ago and realized the wind must have made it go out. I was building a fire upstairs when I heard you scream.”
I didn’t say anything in response to this. There was no logical response I could give him. A twenty-year-old woman shouldn’t wake up screaming from a nightmare.
“Come on upstairs,” he said as he released me and sat back to look me in the face. Again he brought his thumbs to my face and wiped my cheeks dry. “It’s much warmer up there.”
I still didn’t say anything but nodded my head. He took my hand and pulled me up from the bed, the other hand grasping my quilt. He nodded his head in the direction of the candle, and understanding, I grabbed it and we made our way up the stairs.
It was warm in the main living room and I felt myself relax as we stepped in. My head cleared slightly and I knew my tears were done falling. My nerves were settling with every passing second though a different tension was welling under my skin. I was going to have to come up with some kind of explanation for Alex. This wasn’t going to be ju
st a one-time occurrence.
Alex had already brought up a large pile of blankets and pillows, thrown on the floor in front of the couch like a half-asleep man would.
He dropped my quilt on one of the couches and proceeded to push both of them closer to the fire place. Feeling the need to help, I set about making up the beds.
“Here,” Alex said as he handed me a glass of water.
I wanted to refuse the glass. Eating or drinking anything at that moment was about one of the last things I wanted to do but it seemed easier to accept it with thanks than refuse. “Thank you,” I whispered as I accepted it, taking a few small sips. I watched as he settled himself into one of the couches, pulling the blanket up to his waist, his head resting on his arm, using it instead of a pillow.
Setting my glass on the floor, I too slipped under the covers and sighed at the warmth and comfort.
Through the comfortable, orange light that danced on the walls from the fire, I stared at the beautiful man’s face that lay only feet away and he stared silently back.
I realized I had two options now. The first was to pack up and leave. I could tell Alex that I had just had a scary nightmare but this was going to happen a lot. I was always going to wake up screaming. I wasn’t required to stay and I knew I was free to go at any time. This might be the smarter option; it would make my life less complicated. I could simply tell him that I had to go, walk downstairs, pack up my things, and get in my car and drive away. I didn’t have to tell him anything.
The second was to take the risk and go after what I knew I wanted. I could tell Alex the truth and explain why I would wake up screaming every time I slept. There was a ninety-nine percent chance he would think I was insane and tell me to leave. But wouldn’t that small one percent chance make it worth divulging the truth? The worst that could happen was ending up back at option one and having to leave.
“I have nightmares every time I sleep,” I said deliberately, having made up my mind. “I try to sleep as little as possible so I don’t have to have them. Every night when you go to sleep, I stay awake in this silent house so I won’t do what I just did. I always scream when I wake up.”
Alex was still silent when I paused but his face remained calm and I could not see any judgments being passed in his eyes.
“I dream about angels and stand trial for people who have died. They are either granted exaltation or are condemned for the acts they committed during their life.
“Angels are beautiful and have beautiful wings but they’re not what people think. Most of them are wretched, wanting only for everyone to join in their misery. If people knew the truth…” I trailed off, a hand reaching toward the raised wings imprinted onto my back.
“I’ve had these dreams for as long as I can remember. My parents always thought I was making it up. They told me nightmares weren’t and couldn’t be real. When I discovered the names of those I stood trial for were real people who really died, I knew they were wrong. I also knew the dreams had to be real in some way from the condemned mark that was branded into the back of my neck every time I woke up.” I paused here for a moment, taking a deep breath and trying to find the courage to continue.
“I heard my parents arguing all the time. My father insisted it was just a phase I was going through, that I would grow out of it eventually. My mother thought I needed some professional help, possibly some kind of medication.
“When I was sixteen I overheard my mother on the phone. She was going to have me institutionalized. She couldn’t take it anymore. She was tired of hearing me scream every night yet tired of always fighting me to get some sleep.
“I left home that night and I haven’t been back since.”
With this I could not find the will to continue, though there was little left to tell without going into impossible details. I closed my eyes and waited for his reaction, waited for him to ask me to leave.
I heard rustling and when I felt my quilt being lifted, I opened my eyes to see Alex crawling onto my couch. Without a word, he slid in behind me under the quilt. He wrapped one strong arm around my waist and pulled me in closer to him.
As we lay there in silence, I felt a sense of peace I had never felt before in my life. I suspected his silence was because he was not sure of what to say. What could he say after having information like that dumped on him? But he had not told me to get out and leave that instant. Instead he had expressed the kindest and most gentle display of comfort I could have asked for at that moment.
Lying in Alex’s arms I found hope. Perhaps there was a way for me to have some semblance of a normal life. I felt it might be possible for me to achieve some higher level of happiness than what I had previously settled for.
But I understood that Alex’s gesture was in no way a promise of anything to come. I still did not know exactly what he was thinking about the information I had given him. I had no idea what was going to come in the morning. But for that moment, lying there in his arms was enough.