Chapter Thirty-Four
What?!
My thoughts raced around in my head so fast it was hard to think straight, but it wasn't really many thoughts - it was just one thought. Gage had just told me he was Mikhaul. He was lying, of course he was lying, but why? My breath came out in short rasps, echoing around inside my hollowed out heart.
"That's … that's not true," my voice was shaking. "I don't know why you're lying … " I swallowed hard to keep the knot at bay.
Gage was staring at me, his grey eyes alert and bright. "I'm not going to hurt you, Willow," he held both hands out to me, "I never would."
"You're not Mikhaul."
"Willow … "
"No." I pushed hard at his hands. "I know you're not him. You know how I know that?"
"How?" he asked in a miserable sort of voice.
"Because Mikhaul … he … he … "
"I am Mikhaul."
"But he wants to eat my heart," it came out mostly as a strangled sort of sound that I couldn't be sure he even understood until he responded.
"That's ridiculous. The things Bella told you … "
"She wanted to keep me safe." Without consent a tear started its slow trek down my face. When I went to wipe it away I was shocked to feel that most of my face was wet.
He cupped my face with his massive hand. "I will keep you safe," he murmured.
I closed my eyes, wishing it wasn't true, but I knew then that he really was Mikhaul. Maybe I had always known it. Well, maybe not always, but at least since the night I told the boys about Abigail Lewis. Gage hadn't been sent there to protect us. He was Mikhaul and he had come here to kill us. I pulled roughly away from him but his hand stayed out, reaching for me still.
"You know," I tightened my lips and half rolled my eyes, "Mikhaul," I almost spit the poisonous name out, "you don't have a very good track record for protecting your females."
"Willow … " I saw his heart breaking in those ancient grey orbs but he had lied to me, and in such a big way. I couldn't stop myself. The feeling of betrayal outdid any of the sympathy I might have felt for him.
"First you let Abigail die."
He flinched back.
"Then you killed Noreen."
"Willow." Was he only just going to keep saying my name?
"You turned on your own kind."
"They turned on me first."
"All those wolves slaughtered at your hand." As if shot by my words, the hand that had been reaching for me fell limply back to his side.
"I wanted you to trust me." I hated how low his voice sounded, or maybe I just hated how I wanted to react to it.
"By lying to me?"
"I told you the truth."
My breath came out in a soft moan. When he would have wrapped his arms around my waist, I sprang to my feet. "Don't you touch me!"
"I know this is hard for you to understand."
"You're wrong," I half screamed, "this is easy to understand. You're Mikhaul, the one wolf who starred in all my nightmares as a kid. The reason I slept under my bed for almost two years." I didn't bother to wipe away the now steady flow of tears that were making my voice sound funny. "I only had to stop because Bella found me there one night. And she was so pissed she called me a coward. She threatened to kick me out of her house. You know why?" He just stared at me, his mouth hanging slightly open. "Because I was fourteen."
I turned away from him with a broken sob. It was then that Ivy and I had stopped being close. She had stopped being afraid of him, but I couldn't let go of the cold fear that had taken residence inside my heart, until it became what I was.
"I didn't even know you were alive." He said that like it was supposed to help me feel better.
"I knew you were."
"Bella was only trying to frighten you."
"No," I shook my head in denial, "no, Mikhaul, she was afraid of you."
"She didn't need to be. She wasn't … ever in any danger."
"Good to know," I snapped.
"Did you even know Noreen?"
"I saw her once," I sniffed.
"You did?"
"Don't act all shocked," I snarled, "I already told you that Ivy and I were meant to lead one of her packs."
"I don't know what to say to make this better, Willow." He was right behind me but he didn't touch me.
"There's nothing you can say."
"I just … wanted you to know the truth."
"Why?" I whirled around to face him, not able to hide my hurt.
"W … " He brought his fist up to cover his mouth, his own eyes as glossy as mine, "we're here talking about love. I needed you to know; to decide … when you have all the facts."
I covered my face with my hands but he pulled them away, trying to keep hold of me, but I pulled back. "What do you expect me to say?"
"Whatever you feel."
"What I feel?" I crossed my arms over my chest to stop from taking his hands, which were still searching for mine. "I feel like it wasn't fair for you to tell me and then expect everything to be ok."
"I don't expect anything."
I shook my head, no words coming to me. "I don't know what to say."
"I know." He rubbed briskly on my shoulders. "I'll leave you alone for a while." He tried to smile.
"You're leaving?" Despite all that his true name meant, I didn't want him to just disappear.
"I won't go far," he sniffed. "Just back to the cabin."
"Carlie's there."
"I won't go in. I'll just … wait outside." He turned to walk away.
"It's a lot to take in, you know," I called to him.
He hesitated. "I love you, Willow." There was the soft sound of his morph and then he was gone.
I sank back to the ground, allowing my grief to momentarily overcome me. I felt like I had just lost a piece of myself; that's what losing Gage felt like. Even though he was still walking in his own body, it wasn't still him. Gage was gone and Mikhaul was here, I would never be able to see Gage again.
After my grief was spent over Gage I had to face the other facts. Mikhaul was here with us now. All my worst fears had become a reality. But really, I wasn't afraid at all.
When I really thought about it I was more afraid of him leaving than of him staying.
I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. Did that mean I loved Mikhaul? No, but I loved the boy he pretended to be. Was that the same thing? Maybe. How much of Gage was real?
In eighth grade I had an English teacher who always told us to look at things from all perspectives. What about Mikhail's perspective? What had Noreen really been like? Was it possible that she deserved what she got?
Noreen set her pack against their own brother. That was no kind of leader. I had met Noreen only once and then all she did was smile a lot. After she was gone, Bella refused to talk about her. Bella must have known her well, though, I realized with a jolt. She had been willing to raise Ivy and I for her.
Mikhaul.
I shook my head. So many things made more sense now. Gage always insisted that Mikhaul was harmless, that he wouldn't hurt us. I almost laughed out loud when I thought of the night I had warned the boys about Mikhaul. It must have been hard for him not to laugh when I said he could hear his name from anywhere.
My ears pricked when I heard the sounds of someone approaching. Was he coming back already? I hadn't really decided anything yet, except that I was really confused. I waited, tense, for him to appear but when he finally came into view everything else seemed to fade away. I knew that look - something was wrong.
"Gage?" I jumped to my feet and rushed to him. "What's wrong?"
"We have to get back to the cabin." His nostrils were flared and his eyes were wide.
"Where are the boys?" Of course they were my first concern, it was only natural.
"I'm … " He turned his head to listen for a second but his face didn't clear with relief. "I'm not sure."
"Are they ok?"
"Yeah, I thi
nk so."
There was a moment of tense silence. "You said we had to go back to the cabin," my eyes searched the familiar grey ones that were so close to me, "is Carlie ok?"
"For now."
"Meaning?"
"Others have come."
Others? I felt an odd ringing in my ears. "You mean other wolves?"
"Yes."
I sucked in a sharp breath. "Who are they?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "As soon as I realized there were others in the area I came back to you. I just left you alone in the night … anything could have happened."
"Nothing did." He nodded and his eyes darted quickly back and forth.
"I would have never forgiven myself," he snarled softly.
"We need to get back to Carlie."
"Send the boys to her. Warn them of the others but tell them to approach as human."
I morphed quickly. My legs were shaking so badly it was a relief to be off of them. "Hey," I called out. I felt their excitement and knew they heard me. "Get to the cabin as fast as you can. There are other wolves there and Carlie is alone. When you get close, make sure you morph back. I'll meet you there." I morphed back and turned to Gage, who nodded once in approval. "We could get there faster."
"Not on two legs."
"We should … "
"They could be Knights. The less they know, the better." He grabbed my hand and started pulling me along. "If they are Knights, then Carlie is fine anyway."
"If they are Knights, then I just sent the boys right to them."
"The boys will be fine. They'll stick together, and be in their human form."
"How many others are there?"
"As far as I can tell only two."
He kept a tight hold on my hand as we ran through the trees. I thought back to earlier that night when we had walked out to the clearing and about how different it was coming back to the cabin.
"They don't seem hostile," Gage said quietly.
"That's good then," I tried to nod but just managed to bite down on my tongue. "Maybe they were just passing through and came across our scent."
"It's not likely," he dashed my hopes before they had really taken root. "They'd have to be very experienced to catch the pack's scent and even then they'd have to be looking."
"But Gage, you smelled them," I panted.
"I'm experienced," he flashed a brief grin back to me, "and they are old."
"So the older the wolf, the stronger the scent?" I recalled him saying something like that during our brief lessons at the clearing.
"The older the wolf," he grunted and ducked low to avoid a thick branch, "the more dominant the wolf gene; so yeah - the old are easier to smell." I heard him chuckle but I was too out of breath to find it funny. "It's just a different sort of smell. You'll recognize it one day."
"Will they be able to smell you?"
"I'm sure."
He pulled me to an abrupt stop behind him just as the cabin came into view. I tried to test the air but I didn't smell anything different.
"What does he want?" I heard Gage whisper.
"He? He who?" He didn't answer but his customary scowl was in place.
"Come on."