CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
COLIN TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF and then immediately starts at my neck. I’m lying half on my side and half on my back. Shivers run all through my body as he places the gentlest of kisses at my throat. In the hollow of my neck, his breath tickles the sensitive skin, but then his scratchy shadow of a beard grinds into me as he sucks it, reminding me that this man is a dangerous man.
“Stop,” I say, a little breathless.
He looks up. “Okay. I’m stopped.”
I stare at his gorgeous face. He’s not mad. He’s not frustrated. He’s just … Colin.
I let out the breath I was holding. “Okay. You can go again.”
“You sure?”
I nod. “Yes.”
He smiles and moves down to my breast, lifting the edge of my shirt and bra so he can lick my nipple, flicking it with his tongue.
I gasp. How is it that such a small thing can bring so much feeling to a person’s entire body? Thank goodness the baby is sleeping and not moving. I don’t think I could handle both sensations at the same time.
I moan when he takes my breast in his hand and sucks it while squeezing. As soon as I hear the sound come out of my throat, I freeze up. This is what Charlie said I did…
“Babe.”
The darkness that was descending disappears at the sound of his voice. His expression is pure sadness.
“What?” I ask.
“You have to let go of that. Let go and relax.”
“I was just thinking…”
“I know what you were thinking.” He taps the side of my chin gently with his finger. “Listen … if you’ll let me, I’ll spend the next hour or so helping you forget the past and making you feel like a million bucks. I hope like hell that when I do that, you’ll moan and shout and growl and scream and anything else that feels right. That’s what happens when people make love, okay? They make noise. And it’s not the same as what happened to you before. It’s pleasure, not pain.”
“Growl?” I giggle, too overwhelmed by his kindness to focus on what was freaking me out before. “I’m not sure I’m going to do that.”
He cocks up an eyebrow. “We’ll see.”
We’re both lying there, smiling at each other. Slowly but surely, the fear disappears and the idea of moaning and growling for an hour sounds like a really interesting plan.
“What are you going to do to me?” I whisper.
“Do you want a play-by-play? Because I don’t usually plan it out. I’m more a go with the flow kind of guy.”
I bite my lip as I imagine that for a moment. “Okay. Just go with the flow. That would probably be better.”
He pushes himself up to kiss me on the mouth. “You’re too cute.” Then he slides back down to where he was. “Now can I get back to my business here?”
I nod. “Yes. Get back to whatever it was you were doing.”
“You like it?” he asks, leaning down, his tongue coming out.
I have to look away. He’s too sexy to watch. “Yes, I do.”
Maybe I should be embarrassed talking to him like this, but I’m not. It’s just the two of us. There are no cameras, no terrible people outside the door laughing behind my back. It’s Colin and me and the great big unknown. I’m not a virgin, yet I have no idea what this is all about. But with him next to me, his leg draped over mine, I want to know. I want to learn. I want to replace the terrible nightmares with beautiful dreams.
Pretty soon, my lack of experience ceases to matter. As he kisses me and runs his hands all over me, squeezing, stroking, tickling … I become warmer and less inhibited. I reach out to touch him, amazed to find out how large he’s become and how hard. He must really want me. His muscles are bulging and straining in his arms and back with the effort of being gentle. This knowledge makes me bolder and more excited. There’s fear there too, but I won’t let it take over because I know I can say no and Colin will listen.
“Wait!” I whisper loudly as he face drops lower, past my belly to my thighs. “Where are you going?”
“I want to kiss you down here. Is that okay?”
I can barely see him over my belly. It’s so embarrassing to have this awkward body in the middle of us. “I’m not sure.” I know that’s a stupid answer, but it’s an honest one.
“How about I give it a shot and you tell me to stop if you don’t like it?”
“Okay.” There’s only a speck of hesitation on my part. I tell myself we can try anything tonight. This is my safe place. It thrills me to know this, and I relax as soon as he begins to touch me down there.
He pulls my pants and panties off, all the while being very soft with his touch. And then he’s back between my legs with his mouth.
“Oh. Wow,” I say as his tongue slides in. Then his fingers are doing something, and I feel cold air followed by hot breath on my most sensitive parts. “Oh. My.” The words are barely there. I don’t even know what I’m going to say next, and I don’t care either.
His finger goes inside me while his tongue is touching me somewhere that’s making me hot. I’m literally temperature hot and turned on too. I push the covers away from me. I need air.
A moan escapes my lips as a strange tension builds inside me, down between my legs and up in my chest too.
“What’s happening?” I ask, my tone edging into the desperately worried zone.
“Want me to stop?” he asks.
“Yes.”
He lifts his head, immediately causing me to feel bereft and abandoned.
“No! Don’t stop.”
His mouth is back on me in a second.
Relief washes through me. Losing that sensation was way worse than the nervousness that keeps niggling at back of my mind. I admonish myself, Forget Charlie. Forget the past. Just relax and enjooyyyyy…
“Oh, God, Colin. Something’s happening.” I grab the sheets with one hand and his arm with the other. “Something’s happening!”
I’m desperate to feel more of it and less of it at the same time. This is what people talk about. This is what people are after when they have sex. This is the real thing. It’s so much more than I ever imagined it could be.
He moans against me causing a deep vibration to join the process, and his mouth moves faster, his tongue flicking and licking and circling.
“Oh, no,” I whisper over and over. Oh no oh no oh no…
“OH, YES! Colin! YES!” Wave after wave of pleasure surges through me, radiating out from the place where Colin’s mouth is. I moan, I scream, I might even possibly growl. I have no idea. I’m lost somewhere in a bright cloud of exploding colors.
This can’t really be happening, but it is. The bed was solid beneath me before, but I can’t feel it anymore. I’m falling, falling, and falling…
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
WHEN I CAN BREATHE AGAIN and Colin is back by my side, I finally get up the guts to open my eyes and look at him.
“I think I might have growled.” My lips are trembling, either with nerves or adrenaline, I’m not sure which. But one thing I am sure of is that it’s not embarrassment. I feel like I can totally be myself with Colin. This is a gift of the very best kind, one I’ve never been given before.
“You liked it, I know that,” he says, smiling like a cocky fool. I adore him for that. He totally deserves to feel cocky all the time. He’s hot, he’s sweet, and he can do that thing he just did to me like some kind of expert.
I’m happy but then I feel bad. I had all this fun and he had nothing. It’s not fair that he would have to pay for another guy’s sins.
“I want to do something for you,” I say shyly. My past experiences were mostly just kissing and some basic touching. I have no idea what I’m doing in the bedroom, and I was never one to read books about it or watch movies with those kinds of details. I’m a little worried that he’ll laugh at my feeble attempts at seduction.
“Maybe we should just leave it at this for our first night together,” he says, kissing my neck.
I try
not to be paranoid and think he doesn’t want me to do anything. “That’s not very fair.”
“All is fair in love and war.”
My heart burns with the word love. I really do love him, but I don’t want to say it now. I don’t want him to think my love comes from between my legs. But the fact that he said love, even though it was in such a casual way, is enough to fuel my desire all over again.
“What can I do?” I reach down and rub the front of his jeans. He’s still very hard, making me feel bolder. He must want me, right? That’s what that means. I think. I’m pretty sure.
“Well …,” he falls onto his back and stares at the ceiling, “you can do whatever you want or nothing at all.” His head swivels to look at me. “Seriously, babe, we can do nothing. I just need a minute to collect myself.”
“Collect yourself? I don’t understand. I’m the one that had the … fun.” I can’t say the O-word. I sure can feel it, but I can’t say it. “I haven’t even really touched you yet.”
“You don’t need to touch me to turn me on. Doing that for you and watching and listening to you was fun for me. You just … get me going. All I have to do is look at you and I’m a mess.”
“Really?” I can’t stop the huge grin from taking over my face. “A mess? I turn you on?” I look down at my belly. “I think you need to see a therapist.”
He rolls over onto his side and rubs my stomach all over. “You’re gorgeous. I don’t want to hear another word about it.”
I keep my thoughts to myself. If he wants to like this body of mine, I’m not going to try and point out the errors in his judgment. Even if he’s lying, I appreciate the thought behind it.
“Okay, so what can I do?” I say.
“You could … touch me. Lick me. Let me make love to you. It’s your choice.”
My heart beats double-time at his offerings. “We can’t make love.”
“Why? Are you too nervous? Is it the waiting until you’re married thing?”
“No. None of that.” My former plans for my future life seem very out of place right now. I can’t even remember why I felt the way I did. “It’s just…” I look down at my belly. “There’s something in the way.”
“Tell you what. Turn over. On your other side.”
I hesitate for a moment, but when I see the expression on his face, I do as he suggests. He’s being patient and kind, but he’s still hot and bothered. I can see the smoldering heat in his eyes. I want to do something about that. I feel powerful and sexy, which is some kind of miracle considering the fact that I’m a potbelly penguin.
I hear a zipper and look over my shoulder. He’s off the bed and pulling his pants down. His erection springs loose from the fabric, and I quickly look away. It’s too big. This will never work. He better not think he’s putting that somewhere weird.
He’s next to me a second later, his warm body pressing up against my back. The hair on his legs tickles my skin.
“I’m going to come into you from behind, okay?” His hot erection settles against my bare butt.
“Come into me where, exactly?”
He kisses the back of my neck. “Do you want the medical word or something a little dirtier?”
I giggle and then squirm a little bit. “Ummm … the dirty word. I want the dirty one.” I’m on pins and needles waiting for him to speak. His tongue is on my neck swirling around and then his lips are kissing the wet spot he made. I have goosebumps everywhere.
“I’m going to put my dick into your pussy.” He nips my shoulder. “How’s that? Dirty enough for you?”
I try to answer, but I can’t. My voice is stuck in my throat. I reach behind me and take his hard length in my hand, stroking it as best I can from my awkward position.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” He pushes closer to me and then takes himself in hand. I brace myself with a hand on the mattress up near my chest.
“I’ve always used a condom with other girls before. I know you’re already pregnant, but I could still wear one if you want.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. “If you always wore one before, there’s no point now.”
I don’t know exactly how he’s going to manage to do what he said he’s going to do, but I wait with my heart hammering in my chest. I’m already getting wet down there again and he hasn’t even really touched me yet.
“Lift up your leg a little.”
I do as he asks, and then gasp as he comes sliding in towards me from behind. His body is hot and silky smooth. His hardness slips easily between us, and the tip of it pushes against the place where his fingers were earlier.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Yes,” I whisper, not sure that I’m telling the truth. I can say no whenever I want and he’ll stop. Whenever I want. He’ll stop…
At first he goes in just the littlest bit. I’m breathing faster, waiting for pain. Waiting for shame. Waiting for something unpleasant to happen.
But it doesn’t.
He’s in deeper now, setting up a slow, easy rhythm.
I angle myself backwards, enjoying the sensation but needing more. I can’t believe how amazing it feels to have him sliding into me like this.
“Yeah, babe. That’s it,” he says, in a low, deep voice right next to my ear.
I push against him, tentatively at first but then more eagerly, meeting his rhythm stroke for stroke. I didn’t know my hips could move like this. I feel sensual. Sexy. Like I know what I’m doing.
His body comes in closer and he presses his chest to my back. And then his hand is reaching around me, his fingers touching me in my tender place again.
“What are you doing?” I whisper, closing my eyes and falling into the sensations.
“I want you to come with me,” he says against my neck. His finger is swirling around and pressing against me as he slides in and out of me. He feels impossibly big and long, and I cry out with the pleasure that’s overwhelming me.
I don’t know how long we’re doing this before I reach the breaking point. I’ve lost all concept of time. “It’s happening again,” I say in a whimper. “It’s happening again!”
“Shhhh … just let it happen.” He goes faster, picking up the pace of his strokes.
My leg is trembling with the effort of keeping it up, but I don’t want this to stop. I’m close to falling over that cliff again.
“Oh, babe,” he grunts out, slamming into me from behind now. “Fuck!”
Everything is shaking. Me, the bed, our bodies. The pressure is building. Colin is growling and moaning. Just hearing him lose it like that is enough to make me lose it too.
Suddenly the fireworks are there. I’m filled to the core and I’m drowning. A strong pulsing starts between my legs, squeezing him over and over from inside my body.
He’s falling with me as we both shout way louder than we probably should. And then he’s jerking and slamming into me, his rhythm going hectic as he loses control. He’s caught in some kind of seizure and I feel him pulsing into me now too.
I lower my leg, unable to hold it up anymore. Reaching behind me, I find his butt. I press him up against me, wishing this could keep going forever. I don’t want to leave this place. Uninhibited. Sated. Intimate. I never had any idea that this could happen, let alone to someone like me.
He finally stills and kisses me loudly on the shoulder before slowly withdrawing and lying on his back.
I turn over with great effort, my belly feeling twice as heavy as normal. The baby shifts inside and makes her presence known. I’m so glad she waited until we were done.
“You okay?” he asks, looking worried.
I smile as I rub my belly. “Okay? Yeah. More than okay.” I scootch over and put my head on his chest, snuggling in when his arm wraps around my back. I wish I could get closer but this giant balloon between us makes it impossible.
“More than okay, huh?”
“Yes.” I can’t stop smiling.
“Me too. Can I sleep here with you? I’m too tired
to move.”
I’m secretly thrilled. He wants to stay! “Yes. Sleep,” I say, trying to sound all casual and cool, like I do this all the time. No big deal.
As I listen to his breathing even out, I’m sure he’s fallen asleep. But then he startles me by speaking.
“Thanks.”
“Thanks for what?” I try to look up at him but the angle isn’t good.
“For trusting me with your body.”
My lips tremble. The baby kicks. I’m suddenly back in that doctor’s office with him sharing my intimate ultrasound moment. And now we have this thing we’ve shared too, him helping me move past my traumatic past sexual experience. He’s been so good to me. Why do I have to be such a butthead sometimes?
I push off him and get out of bed.
“Where are you going?”
I walk over to the dresser and pull out the ultrasound pictures from the top drawer. Using the dim light from the window, I tear off the one that shows the baby in profile.
“Here,” I say, coming back to the bed. I hand it to him before lying down by his side. I’m not as close to him now as I was before I got up.
He takes it from me. “What’s this?”
“You wanted a picture. You said you did, anyway. I don’t know why I didn’t give it to you before. Sometimes I can be … a jerk.”
He stares at the picture as he answers. “You’re never a jerk. You’re just dealing with a lot of stuff most people don’t have to deal with.” He looks at me. “Thank you. For this.” He holds out his arm. “Get back in here, would ya?”
I smile and snuggle in as he reaches over and puts the picture down on the far corner of the bed. “I’ll put that in my wallet tomorrow. I’m too tired to move right now.”
“Okay.” He’s going to put my baby’s picture in his wallet. I’m afraid to think of all the wonderful things that could mean.
I lie there as the night seeps in, wondering what tomorrow will be like. Will it be awkward? Will he regret what he did with me? Do I assume too much about what he’s done and said?”
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Doing? Nothing. Just thinking.”