“You go.” I nodded toward them. “I’m going to sit here and let the caffeine and sugar make it to my bloodstream.” I smiled at him. In all honesty, I was enjoying sitting in this spot where I could just observe the event, and I wasn’t up for chitchat at the moment.
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” I nudged him. “Go. And when you get back, you can show me those bobbing-for-apples skills you’ve made so much of.”
Gabriel laughed as he stood. “Deal.” He shot a smile over his shoulder as he walked away, and my heart flipped. I watched him join the group and felt my lips tip up slightly. I loved seeing him interact with others, loved the way he paid such close attention when other people spoke, the way he smiled so sincerely. And I realized that despite what Dominic had said about my being bad for his brother, it appeared to me that Gabriel was even more at ease with himself since he and I had grown closer.
I could see who he’d once been—the quietly confident boy everyone had been so drawn to—and I knew he would have always been that way if his life hadn’t been so horrifically interrupted when he was just a boy. He would have been “that guy,” the one girls whispered about in the hallway, the one who didn’t seem quite real, more like a hero on a movie screen, so effortlessly charming, so completely captivating, and yet still kind and genuine. Would he have been drawn to me if he had grown up as the person he was supposed to be? Would he have noticed me at all? I didn’t think so, and it left an ache in my heart.
I watched as Chloe talked animatedly to him, and I smiled at her exuberance and the fact that I could feel it even from across a crowded gathering.
Gabriel bent his head close to hers, listening attentively, and then after a few minutes, he leaned back and laughed. She laughed, too, grabbing his shoulders and saying something else that caused them both to laugh harder. They were so beautiful together: joyful and carefree. It caused a stab of pain to slice through my belly.
“She’s in love with him, you know.”
I whipped my head to the left, where I saw Dominic standing, watching Gabriel and Chloe, too. His words caused my heart to catch, but there didn’t appear to be any malice in his expression, instead almost … sadness. Why? I’d thought he wanted Gabriel and Chloe together. I swallowed, turning back to where Chloe and Gabriel were still leaned close together, their brown hair almost the same shade.
I saw the way Chloe took every opportunity to touch Gabriel, the way her gaze moved back to him even as someone else in the group joined in on the conversation. Of course she was in love with him. He was beautiful in a way that was almost difficult to explain unless you knew him. He was good and generous and smart and talented. God, who wouldn’t be in love with him? “I know,” I said softly.
I looked back up at Dominic, and he was regarding me thoughtfully, though not unkindly, and I was surprised at the lack of hostility in his gaze. It was the first time he’d looked at me with anything other than condemnation. He seemed to come back to himself and stood straight, looking around. “I’m starving. I’m going to go check out some of the booths. You want anything?”
“No, thank you,” I said, surprised by the offer. He nodded and turned away, disappearing into the crowd. I looked back to where Gabriel, Chloe, and George were with the group of quarry families, and Gabriel caught my eye, smiling and giving me a small wave. I smiled back, holding up my coffee cup in cheers.
He looked back to the group as George said something, and I watched as a couple walked past, shooting Gabriel a curious glance and then the wife smiling slightly as Gabriel laughed at whatever was being said.
This was just what he needed—for the town to see him as his natural self, interacting with those he felt comfortable with. They just needed to see who he really was and they’d fall in love with him, too. How could they not?
When Gabriel had been sitting with me, we both received curious stares, the people of Morlea obviously being familiar with who he was. But now that I was sitting alone on the bale of hay sipping my coffee, I was mostly anonymous.
I took another minute to look around at the crowd, smiling at a toddler holding a pumpkin way too heavy for him. He weaved and almost toppled over before his dad took the pumpkin, chuckling as he steadied him. I laughed softly at the sweet display of parental affection.
A boisterous group was playing some sort of booth game a little ways from where I sat, and when they all let out a collective whoop, I turned my gaze on them. Whoever was playing had obviously won because they were all cheering. They parted as the winner turned, grinning a grin I’d seen before. My blood chilled, and the scene wavered before my eyes. One of the men who’d beaten me in the parking lot that night. Out on bail. Oh no. Oh God. I still didn’t know his name, had never bothered to find out, in truth hadn’t wanted to think about him in any personal terms.
I stood, stumbling forward and beginning to turn when we locked eyes. Oh God, oh God, I was going to be sick. The sweet coffee I’d just drunk came up my throat, and I put a hand over my mouth, afraid I’d throw up right there where I stood.
My instinct was to run away, to avoid him at all costs, but the man leaned down and whispered in the ear of the woman standing next to him, and she made a beeline straight for me. I blinked, frozen to the spot in confused horror. Please don’t let this be happening. Not here.
“You stupid slut!” she yelled at me, stopping several feet from where I stood. It seemed to quiet all around me as people turned, looking from me to her. I glanced over at Gabriel, and he seemed to be listening to a story one of the men who worked at the quarry was telling.
I started to turn. Maybe if I just walked away, everyone would return to what they’d been doing.
“Don’t walk away from me,” she called. “You think you can lie about my boyfriend and get away with it? Just because he turned you down? You deserved what you got.”
Is that what he’d told her? That I’d come on to him and he’d what … been forced to beat me unconscious? I almost laughed at the craziness of it, but my heart was beating so harshly, I couldn’t muster even a small chuckle.
I crossed my arms over my breasts, hugging myself as the man who’d beaten me came up beside her. “Let’s go. I’m not supposed to be anywhere near her.”
Thank God. My eyes shot back to where Gabriel had been standing, but I didn’t see him there. A burst of anxiety shot down my spine just as I heard his voice. “Get out of here now.” The words were spoken in a loud growl and I jolted, taken off guard by the cold command in his tone. He was standing just a short distance behind me and I turned, blinking as he stepped in front of me.
“Gabriel, it’s okay,” I mumbled. The girlfriend of the man was still calling obscenities at me, but I tuned her out as Gabriel walked forward, looking as if he was intending to engage physically with the man. Oh God, oh no. What should I do?
“Don’t come near me, bro,” the man said, backing away. The people in the crowd who were not already watching turned to see what was going on, and a hush fell over the gathering.
In an effort to move away, the man stumbled, but immediately righted himself and then stepped backward. He put his hands up in the air. “This was just a coincidence,” he said. “We’re leaving.”
I couldn’t see Gabriel’s face, but I heard the rage in his tone as he said, “If it wouldn’t end up hurting Ellie more, I’d do to you exactly what you did to her, you disgusting piece of human garbage.”
I put my hands over my mouth, not realizing tears were streaking my face until I felt them on my fingers.
“Whoa, hey.” George ran up with Dominic on his heels, and they each took one of Gabriel’s arms and pulled him away from the man. Chloe was right behind them, and she looked stricken.
The man backed up, looking relieved to see Gabriel being forced to stand down. Despite what he’d done to me, he was a coward. If I hadn’t known it before, I realized it then.
Even so, I was shaky with fear and shame. Someday soon I was going to have to face those men
in court. How would I manage it? I didn’t think I could. I wasn’t strong enough. I’d never be strong enough.
That’s when the whispers—the gossip—around me penetrated …
“… this happened before when he was a kid, you know. Do you remember that fair …?”
“… seems nice but then … violent …”
“… sometimes victims become perpetrators. There’ve been studies done …”
“Did you hear he was a suspect in that case …?”
“Who’s the girl with him? Did you hear what that other girl was calling her?”
Slut.
Whore.
Trash.
I shook my head, trying to tune it out, sick with horror at what had just happened.
Gabriel shook George and Dominic off as the man, his girlfriend, and the others who’d been with him started to walk away, swearing and spitting on the ground. “If you ever come near her again, it’ll be the last thing you ever do, you sick excuse for a man,” Gabriel called after them.
The girlfriend turned and stuck her middle finger up, but the man pretended not to hear Gabriel, disappearing into the crowd. “Oh my God, what was that?” Chloe whispered. “Are you okay?” she asked me.
I nodded jerkily. For several heartbeats, Gabriel stood staring in the direction the group had gone and then turned to me, exhaling a large breath. “Ellie, Jesus, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
I shook my head, my eyes darting around at all the stares, all the whispered words, all the judgment. “Can we go? Can we just leave?”
Dominic turned to Gabriel. “Who—?”
“One of the men who attacked her,” Gabriel answered.
I felt the heat of shame moving up my neck, filling my cheeks and making me feel woozy. I turned my body slightly toward Gabriel, wanting to melt into him.
I didn’t look at Dominic. I couldn’t. I knew exactly what I’d see on his face if I did. The look that told me this was my fault, that my presence in Gabriel’s life brought him nothing except hurt and further nonacceptance. “Can we just go?” I repeated. “Please.”
“Ellie …,” Gabriel murmured, moving closer, brushing a tear off my cheek. “I never would have left you alone if I had even considered—”
“You couldn’t know. I never even once thought …” I shook my head again.
“Gabriel, why don’t you call it a day?” George asked. “Get Ellie home, put her feet up, and let this roll off your backs, okay?” He was looking pointedly at me, as if I was the one who looked more traumatized. Maybe I did. I guess I was.
“Okay.” Gabriel was still looking at me worriedly as he brushed a tendril of hair out of my face. “Let’s go.” He nodded to George, Dominic, and Chloe and took my arm in his, turning me toward the parking lot.
I hardly remembered the drive home, and so when we pulled into Gabriel’s driveway, it surprised me—hadn’t we just left the festival a couple of minutes before?
We went inside and Gabriel led me to the couch, where I curled up at one end. He sat right next to me and pulled me into his arms, kissing the top of my head. “I’m sorry that happened. I’m sorry if I didn’t handle it well.” He’s sorry? I brought the negative attention on him and he’s sorry?
I shook my head. “You don’t have to be sorry. Thank you for defending me.” Again.
He let out a long breath. “I’d defend you to the death, Eloise.”
I tipped my head to look up at him. “I think you would.” I chewed at my lip for a moment. I was turned inside out. Guilt overwhelmed me, and I shut my eyes tightly. “I’m just so sorry.”
“Ellie, don’t blame yourself.”
I looked down, recalling the hateful look in the woman’s eyes as she’d called me vicious names. “Why are girls so mean to each other?” I whispered.
“They’re not all that way. Look at Chloe.”
Yes, look at Chloe. My heart dropped, and I didn’t like that every mention of Chloe’s name made me envious when she’d been nothing except good to me. It made me feel mean-spirited. “Yeah.”
Gabriel pulled me closer, and we sat that way in silence for a while, me lost in my own thoughts, going over the events of the morning. I’d arrived with such tentative hope. Overwhelming sadness filled me as I looked up and into Gabriel’s eyes. I’ll never be good enough for him. “I wanted today to go well for you. I wanted—”
“Shh, that doesn’t matter. I don’t care about that. Those people … they can think what they want to think. You’re the person who matters to me.”
I gave him a tremulous smile, scooting closer and wrapping my arms around his waist. “I just … Dominic’s right. You should have the life you were meant to have.”
He frowned. “What does that mean?”
“Just that you should have the life you would have had if you hadn’t been taken.”
He was quiet for a good minute before he spoke. “I’m living the life I was meant to have, Eloise. My life—just the way it is, for good or for bad—is the life I was meant to have. I could walk around all day thinking about how I was cosmically robbed, but what good would that do me? I’m living my life—the one I was given. It’s all any of us can do. To imagine otherwise is to deny that there’s a purpose to the suffering we might endure. Yes, I experienced pain, but maybe … maybe the reason for it is that because of my actions, no one else will ever be harmed by the man who abducted me. I don’t know. I don’t try to figure it out. I just trust that this life, my life, is the life I was meant to have, and I find peace in that.”
My love for him swelled in my chest so powerfully that, for a moment, I couldn’t breathe. He was so good and so positive, but I had to wonder if Gabriel would accept nearly anything for himself because he was able to find peace in any outcome—it was his gift. It was in the gentleness of his soul, in his desire and ability to always choose happiness no matter what. To glimpse the small sliver of light when others could only see the darkness surrounding it. Maybe Dominic was right—maybe it was up to the people around him—those who loved him—to demand more for him than he would ever demand for himself.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
It’s okay to cry. It’s how your heart speaks its pain.
Gambit, the Duke of Thieves
GABRIEL
Ellie seemed so vulnerable—even more than ever—and it didn’t feel like I could do or say anything to reassure her.
Chloe came by the house to give me the test she needed me to take, and I hated that I rushed her, considering she’d driven all the way to Morlea, but the way Ellie watched the two of us together worried me. She observed us with this knowing sort of sadness, almost a sorrowful determination, and I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant, but I didn’t think it was good. Did she think I had feelings for Chloe? “I love you,” I whispered to her what felt like a hundred times a day. “Only you.” Couldn’t she see it in my eyes? Couldn’t she feel it with every beat of my heart?
“Hello?” George called as he entered my studio, carrying a box.
“Hey, George.” I turned, sitting up straight and rotating my shoulders.
“Here’s that piece of rock you wanted.” He nodded to the box as he set it down on the table by the door.
“Thanks.”
George came over and looked at the carving I was almost finished with. He ran a hand down the side. “It’s beautiful. Those butterflies look real.”
I smiled and shrugged. “I hope they like it.”
“They’re going to love it.” He paused, leaning against the table behind him. “How’s Ellie?”
I frowned slightly. “You mean after the festival?”
“Yeah, and just in general.”
I pressed my lips together and then sighed. “I don’t know, George, she seems so … breakable.” I grimaced slightly. “I don’t know exactly how to describe it.”
“You changed her, Gabriel. She’s having a hard time figuring out who she is now.” He looked worried as he studied me. “I’m concerned she doesn?
??t think she’s anyone at all without you. You’ve become her entire world.”
I took a deep breath, his words resonating. They hurt, and yet they felt true. Part of me wanted to be her whole world, but another more reasonable part knew it wasn’t good for her. “What can I do?”
“I encouraged her to learn how to throw a punch. I thought it might empower her a little bit. She hasn’t been back over, though I’ve asked her. I suppose she’s been caught up.”
Caught up. In me. I smiled, but it felt sad. I remembered George teaching me to throw a punch when I’d come home. I’d been fifteen and I spent hours in his garage, moving around the bag, lashing out at it instead of the world, instead of myself. And it helped. But it’d only been a small part of my recovery. “What else?”
He shook his head. “Ah, Gabriel, I’d tell you if I knew. Just … try to remember where you were in the years after you came home.” He stood, smiling softly before turning and heading out the door.
“Thanks, George,” I called. I sat there for a while thinking about that time, thinking about how I’d mostly stayed to myself, how I needed to learn how to trust myself again, how I had to rediscover my place in the world, how I doubted whether I had one at all. It’d been hard and it was lonely, but God, it was necessary. And I’d had to do the work to get through it. No one could have done it for me, even if they wanted to.
I sighed. No, I couldn’t do the work Ellie might need to do for herself, but I could love her through it. And that’s exactly what I would do. If she needed strength, I’d be her rock, if she needed comfort, I’d be her soft spot to land. I’d be anything she needed me to be. And yet something about that felt dangerous—I wanted Ellie to find her own worth, not to let my love determine that for her. She’d never be truly happy that way. I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration.
You can’t fix me, you know, she’d said. No, I’d thought, I can only love you. And I’d been right. All I could do was love her.