“Look at me.” She complies, and her eyes are sad, which is a hard punch to the gut. “I know it feels like this is out of the blue. I just can’t sit here and lean on you as a friend, when that’s not what I want at all. I’ve had the hots for you since we were kids. But you were way too young for me to try to pursue you, and then our lives just went in two different directions.
“When we were both adults, you got married.” I clear my throat, not willing to tell her how much that destroyed me. How hearing those words from Eli brought me to my knees, and the thought of another man having his hands on her made me want to punch the fuck out of someone.
“I know I can’t have you, for a million different reasons, and I came to terms with that years ago. But I also can’t sit here and pretend that we’re just friends.”
She doesn’t say a word, and she’s lowered her gaze again, still not willing to look at me.
Finally, she nods once, stands, and walks away without even a glance back. No goodbye. No punching me for being a dick.
Nothing.
What the fuck did I just do?
Not even five minutes later, Eli shows up just as Beau returns with the hot drinks.
“Why did Van just take my car keys and tell me to catch a ride back with Beau?” Eli asks, complete confusion covering his face.
“I just fucked everything up.”
Beau frowns and hands me the coffee, then passes Van’s tea to Eli.
“Oh no, I get the coffee.” Eli reaches for Beau’s coffee and hands him the tea.
“What did you say?” Beau asks.
“And how do we unfuck it?” Eli adds.
“You’re going to want to punch me.”
“That’s nothing new,” Beau says, his voice as steady as ever. “Spill it.”
Chapter Four
~Savannah~
What in the hell just happened?
I’m driving to Kate and Eli’s place. I can’t go back to work like this, especially since Kate is still on maternity leave. And I need to talk to her.
Kate’s been one of my best friends since she, Declan, and I shared an apartment at college.
I can’t believe what Ben just said. He rendered me speechless, and embarrassed.
And not a little bit sad.
I feel tears gather, and I wipe them away furiously.
I am not going to cry over the likes of Ben! I’m going to cling on to the anger like a lifeline.
I pull into Eli’s driveway and cut the engine, then march up his porch and knock twice before I let myself in.
“Kate?”
“Shh,” she says, hurrying out from the kitchen. “I finally got Coraline down.”
“Sorry,” I whisper. “Is there a safe place for me to rant?”
“Backyard,” she says with a nod. She grabs two bottles of cola and the baby monitor and leads me out the back door to the beautiful patio. “Okay. She can’t hear us out here.”
“I hope I didn’t wake her.”
She glances down at the monitor and turns it up. “Nope, she’s sleeping.”
“You have mom super powers,” I mutter, making her grin.
“Cool, huh?”
“Pretty cool.” I shrug and pace to the edge of the patio, staring at professionally groomed grass and flower gardens.
“What’s up?” Kate asks as she settles in a chair.
“Ben,” I reply and turn to look at her. “I just left the hospital.”
“How’s his mom?”
“She was still in surgery when I left.”
She narrows her eyes, watching me closely. “He hurt you.”
“He pissed me off,” I correct her. “I was being supportive. Beau went to get coffee and I stayed with Ben, comforting him, and suddenly, he goes all psycho on me.”
“Wait,” she says, holding up a hand. “We’re talking about Ben?”
“Yes. Ben.” I march away from her and then back again. “I was just holding his hand, telling him that she is going to be okay, because that’s what friends do. That’s what family does.”
Kate nods, so I keep going.
“And then, he suddenly pushes me away and tells me he can’t be my friend.”
“Wait. What?”
“Exactly!” I point at her. “What the fuck?”
“What did he say? Exactly.”
“That he can’t pretend that we’re just friends anymore.”
Her face softens and she sits back in her chair again. “Go on.”
“He said he’s been attracted to me for years, and he accepts that he’s not right for me, but he also can’t sit by and just be in the friend zone.”
“Poor Ben,” Kate says and I scowl at her.
“Why are you on his side?”
“I’m not on any side.” She shakes her head and takes a sip of her cola. “But Van, this isn’t new news to any of us.”
“Well, it’s news to me,” I reply and finally lower myself into the chair next to hers. “I mean, that’s the thanks I get for being a good friend?”
“Okay, pull your head out of your ass,” Kate says.
I really want to punch her right now.
“Ben’s been in love with you for years, Van. We all know it. Hell, your brothers have been giving him the green light to date you for at least the last year.”
I stare at her, stunned. “I don’t think I understood you correctly.”
“You did.” She smiles now. Kate looks fantastic. Motherhood looks good on her.
“I can’t be with Ben.”
“Why not?”
“Jesus, there are a list of reasons, Kate.”
“I’m in no hurry. Let’s hear them.”
She crosses one leg over the other and waits.
“I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Yes, you should. I want to hear why you think that you can’t be with Ben.”
“Okay, there’s the little fact that he’s my brothers’ best friend. That immediately makes him off-limits.”
“Except that your brothers have encouraged him to ask you out,” she reminds me. “Also, you’re not sixteen.”
“Kate, he’s part of our family. If it doesn’t work out, it’ll ruin that. We all love him and his mother. I can’t risk a lifetime of family relationships just because I want to climb him like a tree and have my way with him.”
“Well, Ben’s hot, so that’s pretty normal if you ask me.”
“Gabby and Charly would never think of him like that.”
“Gabby and Charly aren’t in love with him.”
I take a deep breath, and rather than admit to what she just said, I keep talking.
“Also, I’m broken, Kate. I don’t know if I could handle him touching me in an intimate way. I mean, I’ve come a long way, and I find him so attractive, but what if in the heat of the moment I can’t do it?”
“Well, then you say so and he backs off.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Ben would never make you do something you’re not comfortable with.”
“I know.”
“Do you? Because you can’t equate love to the bullshit you were in before. That wasn’t even in the same vicinity as love.”
“No. It wasn’t.”
“Besides, when you think of Ben kissing you, do you automatically want to throw up?”
I think back on the previous night at my place and shake my head. “No. Not at all.”
“Well, there you go. Besides, Van, you’re not broken.”
I frown again, but she keeps going.
“You’re not broken. You know that I was in a similar relationship before Eli. I thought he’d broken me too, but Eli said something that always sticks with me. He said, he hurt you, but no one broke you.”
“My brother can be nice.”
She smiles.
“It was the truth. And it’s true for you too. You’re not broken.”
“I can’t give him children,” I blurt out and then cover my mouth with my hand, staring at Kate in horror.
I’ve
never told anyone this before.
She cocks her head to the side, watching me. “Why?”
I swallow and blink, gathering my thoughts.
“Because he hurt me so badly over so much time that I’m infertile.”
Her eyes simultaneously narrow and fill with tears.
“I want to kill that motherfucker.”
“Well, get in line, because there’s a whole slew of us that want the same thing. The point is, even if I could convince myself to risk the relationship our families have, it wouldn’t be fair to Ben. He should have kids, and I can’t give him that.”
“Oh boy,” she whispers and pinches the bridge of her nose. “All I’ve heard from you is excuses, Van. You’re making decisions for both of you without asking Ben what he wants. You both need to stop being so afraid of each other.”
“I just don’t know how it could work,” I reply softly. “For the first time in years, I’m physically attracted to a man, and it’s Ben. I’m sure it’s because I trust him, and I’ve known him forever, so it doesn’t scare me to think about being with him in that way.”
“Are you nine? Use your big girl words.”
“I want to have sex with the man.” I shrug. “I can admit it. But this isn’t someone new who doesn’t matter.”
“Nope, it’s Ben, and that’s why I think it’s perfect.”
I sigh. “I don’t think I’m any less confused than I was when I arrived.”
“That’s okay,” Kate says just as little Coraline begins to fuss over the baby monitor. “You don’t have to have it all figured out today. I’m sorry he hurt your feelings.”
Is it that simple?
I guess, at the root of it, that’s it. He hurt my feelings.
And I ran off to sulk like a child rather than try to talk to him.
“I have to get the baby.”
“Can I come? She won’t be little for very long, and I’d love to snuggle her.”
“Of course.” She leads me inside and to Coraline’s nursery. She’s sucking on her tiny fist, her feet kicking about.
“She’s so dang sweet,” I whisper just as she smiles up at me. “And she’s a charmer too.”
“I’m going to have to lock her up when she’s a teenager.”
I laugh and reach in her bassinet to pick her up and cuddle her, breathing in the baby smell.
And another smell as well.
“She needs to be changed.”
“I think we can trust you to do that.”
I wrinkle my nose and look down at the baby. “No peeing on me. Okay?”
She grins again and stuffs her fist back in her mouth.
“That didn’t look promising.”
Kate laughs as she fetches me a fresh diaper.
“Good luck, Aunt Van.”
***
I’m settled in at home later in the evening, catching up on bills and social media, sipping wine and enjoying the hell out of my fireplace when someone rings my doorbell. It’s moments like this that I wish I had a dog. A big dog. Because even though I’ve come a long way, it would be nice to have the extra protection.
Pull your big girl panties on and answer the stupid door.
I peek out the window and frown.
Ben.
He cocks a brow at me and waits patiently. I could walk away, but that’s just mean, and I’ve never been mean.
So I open the door and do my best to block his way inside.
“Hi.” He offers me a tentative smile.
“Hello.”
“Can I come in?”
“No.”
He nods and looks down at his feet.
“Okay, that’s fair. But I hope you’ll change your mind because I have some things to say.”
“Why aren’t you with your mom?”
“Because she kicked me out. She said she didn’t need me to hover all night long. I’ll go back in the morning.”
“How is she?”
He smiles. “She’s doing well. They only had to take the toe.”
“I’m relieved to hear that. But you could have just texted.”
“That’s not why I’m here.” He slaps his hand on the door when I would have shut it. “I’m here about you.”
I’m not going to win this fight. He would leave if I got forceful about it, but then I’d kick myself for it later, and wonder what he wanted to say.
So, I turn and walk back into the living room. Ben shuts the door behind him and joins me.
Neither of us sits.
“I really want to apologize.”
“Me too,” I reply and bite my lip.
He frowns. “Why do you need to apologize? You didn’t say anything.”
“Well, the thoughts in my head were pretty bad. I might have called you a few names.”
His lips twitch with humor, but then he gets serious again.
“I didn’t mean to be so blunt earlier, Van.”
“Being blunt is better than talking in circles, and far less exhausting,” I reply.
“It’s hurtful, and hurting you is the last thing I would ever want to do. I want to explain.”
“There’s really not much to say, Ben. You don’t want to be my friend anymore. And I can live with that, but it will make family gatherings a little weird.”
“Van—”
“Okay, a lot weird.”
“No, you’re wrong. I do want to be your friend. I am your friend. But it’s also killing me.”
He shoves his fingers through his light brown hair and crosses the room to the window, staring through it. His shoulders are wide, his waist lean, and he has the best damn ass I’ve ever seen.
Stop staring at his ass.
He’s quiet for so long, I lose patience. “Look, just say what you need to say, Ben.”
“We’d be here all night,” he says as he turns to look at me. “God, you’re so fucking beautiful, Van.”
I frown and will the mutant butterflies in my stomach to calm the fuck down.
“I’ve been attracted to you since we were teenagers.” He shrugs. “But you were my friends’ younger sister, and there’s a code amongst friends that you don’t date each other’s sisters.”
“Is that in a book somewhere?”
He doesn’t answer; he just paces the room, talking.
“I knew you were too young for me when I left for college, and that a relationship at that time in our lives never would have lasted.” He swallows hard. “And then, like I said earlier, life just took us in different directions. And then one day Eli calls me and says that you’re engaged.”
He turns to me now, his face ashen.
“It was the worst day of my life.”
“Ben—”
“No, I take that back. It was the second worst day of my life. The worst day of my life was walking into that bedroom after the sonofabitch tried to kill you.”
I close my eyes. I have nothing to be embarrassed about, but I hated that Ben saw me like that. It was almost worse than what Lance put me through.
“Look at me,” he says and I comply. “I almost killed him, Van.”
“I know.”
“No.” He shakes his head fiercely. “No, you don’t know. I wanted to kill him with my bare hands. I took so much pleasure in making him bleed. In making him beg me to stop.”
Jesus.
“I have that in me, and I can’t deny that. What I do for a living is violent. And you’ve already had so much violence in your life, I can’t ask you to be mine. I just can’t.”
“You would never hurt me.”
“No. I wouldn’t. And I can promise you that. But for the first time in my life, on that day, I wanted to kill him. And the only thing that made me stop was the thought of going to prison and never seeing you again.”
The tears are flowing freely now. I can’t stop them. Ben is breaking my heart, and I didn’t think that was possible.
“I always thought that just having you in my life was enough. As long as you were happy and healt
hy, it was enough to be on the outside looking in, but it’s just not good enough anymore.”
He licks his lips; his eyes are locked on mine.
“You’ve been a good friend to me.”
“Yes. I’m the one you call when you need a ride home from girls’ night out. I’m the one you bounce ideas off of. Hell, that’s always been the case between us. And I’ve worked hard to keep my hands off of you.”
“What if I don’t want you to keep your hands off of me?”
He steps closer as his blue eyes darken with lust. I stand my ground, not afraid of him in the least.
His knuckles gently glide down my cheek as he leans in and kisses my forehead, my nose, the corner of my mouth.
“I’m going to kiss you.”
It’s not a question, and I’m not going to say no.
I feel like I’ve waited my whole damn life for this. I know all of the reasons that this can’t work, but I’m not strong enough to turn him down.
His lips slip over mine, pressing gently. Ben expertly moves the kiss from soft to passionate, wrapping his strong arms around me as I open up for him, inviting him to explore my mouth and lips, and he doesn’t disappoint. I’m drunk from his kiss. The room is spinning, and I have to hold onto his shoulders to steady myself.
Far too soon, he loosens his grip on me and kisses my forehead once again before stepping away altogether.
“Did that feel brotherly?”
“Maybe if we lived in Arkansas,” I say as I open my eyes. He smiles and then chuckles, pushing his hand through his hair again.
“I always loved your sassy mouth.”
He moves in again, but rather than kiss me, he just hugs me tightly.
“This is what I want,” he whispers. “You are what I want, Savannah. But it’s your choice. I need you to know that this, whatever this ends up being, is your choice.”
“I need to think,” I reply and bury my nose in his chest, breathing him in.
“You smell good,” he whispers.
“So do you.”
I pull out of his arms. “I need to think this all over. I need to know that if I can’t pursue a relationship with you, I won’t completely lose you, Ben.”
“You’ll never lose me, Vanny.”
“You might lose me if you keep calling me that.”
He just smiles. “I’m not going anywhere. This isn’t an ultimatum. I just have to be honest with you. I think you’re finally in a strong place, and I want to be a part of that.”