Chapter 3. Mother
6
It was dinnertime, and Insigna was in one of those moods when she was just a little afraid of her own daughter.
Those moods had become more pronounced lately, and she didn't know why. Perhaps it was Marlene's increasing tendency to silence, to being withdrawn, to be always seeming to commune with thoughts too deep for speech.
And sometimes the uneasy fear in Insigna was mixed with guilt: guilt because of her lack of motherly patience with the girl; guilt because of her too-great awareness of the girl's physical shortcomings. Marlene certainly didn't have her mother's conventional prettiness or her father's wildly unconventional good looks.
Marlene was short and - blunt. That was the only word that Insigna could find that exactly fit poor Marlene.
And poor, of course. It was the adjective she almost always used in her own mind and could just barely keep out of her speech.
Short. Blunt. Thick without being fat, that was Marlene. Nothing graceful about her. Her hair was dark brown, rather long, and quite straight. Her nose was a little bulbous, her mouth turned down just a bit at the ends, her chin small, her whole attitude passive and turned in upon itself.
There were her eyes, of course, large and lustrously dark, with meticulous dark eyebrows that curved above them, long eyelashes that looked almost artificial. Still, eyes alone could not make up for everything else, however fascinating they might be at odd moments.
Insigna had known since Marlene was five that she was unlikely ever to attract a man on the physical plane alone, and that had become more obvious with each year.
Aurinel had kept a languid eye on her during her preteen years, obviously attracted to her precocious intelligence and her almost luminous understanding. And Marlene had been shy and pleased in his presence, as though dimly realizing that there was something about an object called a 'boy' that was somehow endearing, but not knowing what it might be.
In the last couple of years, it seemed to Insigna that Marlene had finally clarified in her mind what 'boy' meant. Her omnivorous reading of books and viewing of films too old for her body, if not her mind, undoubtedly helped her in this, but Aurinel had grown older, too, and as his hormones began to exert their sway over him, it was no longer badinage he was in search of.
At dinner that night, Insigna asked, 'What kind of day did you have, dear?'
'A quiet one. Aurinel came looking for me and I suppose he reported to you. I'm sorry you have to take the trouble to hunt me down. '
Insigna sighed. 'But, Marlene, I can't help but think sometimes that you're unhappy and isn't it natural for me to be concerned about that? You're alone too much. '
'I like to be alone. '
'You don't act it. You show no signs of happiness at being alone. There are many people who would like to be friendly and you would be happier if you allowed them to be. Aurinel is your friend. '
'Was. He's all busy these days with other people. Today that was obvious. It infuriated me. Imagine him getting all wrapped up because he was thinking about Dolorette. '
Insigna said, 'You can't quite blame Aurinel, you know. Dolorette is his age. '
'Physically,' said Marlene. 'What a bubblehead. '
'Physically counts a great deal at his age. '
'He shows it. It makes a bubblehead out of him, too. The more he slobbers over Dolorette, the emptier his head gets. I can tell. '
'But he'll keep on getting older, Marlene, and when he's a little older, he might find out what the really important things are. And you'll be getting older, too, you know-'
Marlene stared at Insigna quizzically. Then she said, 'Come on, Mother. You don't believe what you're trying to imply. You don't believe it for a minute. '
Insigna flushed. It suddenly occurred to her that Marlene wasn't guessing. She knew - but how did she know? Insigna had made her remark as sincerely as she could, had tried to feel it. But Marlene had seen through it without effort. It wasn't the first time either. Insigna had begun to feel that Marlene weighed the inflections, the hesitations, the motions, and always knew what you didn't want her to know. It must be this quality that made Insigna increasingly frightened of Marlene. You don't want to be glass to another's scornful glance.
What had Insigna said, for instance, that had led Marlene to believe the Earth was doomed to destruction? That would have to be taken up and discussed.
Insigna suddenly felt tired. If she couldn't ever fool Marlene, why try? She said, 'Well, let's get down to it, dear. What is it you want?'
Marlene said, 'I see you really want to know, so I'll tell you. I want to get away. '
'Get away?' Insigna found herself unable to understand the simple words her daughter had used. 'Where is there to get away to?'
'Rotor isn't all there is, Mother. '
'Of course not. But it's all there is within more than two light-years. '
'No, Mother, that's not so. Less than two thousand kilometers away is Erythro. '
'That scarcely counts. You can't live there. '
'There are people living there. '
'Yes, but under a Dome. A group of scientists and engineers live there because they are doing necessary scientific work. The Dome is much smaller than Rotor. If you feel cramped here, what will you feel there?'
'There's a whole world on Erythro outside the Dome. Someday people will spread out and live all over the planet. '
'Maybe. It's by no means a certain thing. '
'I'm sure it is a certain thing. '
'Even if it is, it would take centuries. '
'But it has to begin. Why can't I be part of the beginning?'
'Marlene, you're being ridiculous. You've got a very comfortable home here. When did all this start?'
Marlene pressed her lips together, then said, 'I'm not sure. A few months ago, but it's getting worse. I just can't stand it here on Rotor. '
Insigna looked at her daughter, frowning. She thought: She feels she has lost Aurinel, she is heartbroken for ever, she will leave and punish him by doing so. She will send herself into exile on a barren world, and he will be sorry-
Yes, that line of thought was entirely possible. She remembered when she herself was fifteen. Hearts are so fragile then that a slight tap will crack them. Teenagers heal quickly, but no fifteen-year-old would or could believe that at the time. Fifteen! It is later, later that-
No use thinking about it!
She said, 'What is it that attracts you about Erythro, Marlene?'
'I'm not sure. It's a large world. Isn't it natural to want a large world' - she hesitated, before adding the last two words, but she gulped them out somehow - 'like Earth?'
'Like Earth!' Insigna spoke with vehemence. 'You've never been on Earth. You don't know anything about Earth!'
'I've seen a great deal about it, Mother. The libraries are full of films about Earth!'
(Yes, they were. Pitt had felt for some time now that such films ought to be sequestered - or even destroyed. He maintained that to break away from the Solar System meant to break away; it was wrong to maintain an artificial romanticism about Earth. Insigna had disagreed strongly, but now she suddenly thought that she could see Pitt's point. )
She said, 'Marlene, you can't go by those films. They idealize things. They talk about the long past for the most part, when things on Earth were better, and, even so, it was never as good as they picture things to have been. '
'Even so. '
'No, not "even so. " Do you know what Earth is like? It's an unlivable slum. That's why people have left it to form all the Settlements. People went from the large dreadful world of Earth to small civilized Settlements. No-one wants to go in the other direction. '
'There are billions of people who still live on Earth. '
'That's what makes it an unlivable slum. Those who are there leave as soon as they can. That's why so many Settlements have been built and are so crowded. That's why we left the Solar System fo
r here, darling. '
Marlene said in a lower voice, 'Father was an Earth-man. He didn't leave Earth, even though he might have. '
'No, he didn't. He stayed behind. ' She frowned, trying to keep her voice level.
'Why, Mother?'
'Come, Marlene. We've talked about this. Many people stayed home. They didn't want to leave a familiar place. Almost every family on Rotor had stay-on-Earths. You know that very well. Do you want to return to Earth? Is that it?'
'No, Mother. Not at all. '
'Even if you wanted to go, you're over two light-years away and you can't go. Surely you understand that. '
'Of course I understand that. I was just trying to point out that we have another Earth right here. It's Erythro. That's where I want to go; that's where I long to go. '
Insigna couldn't stop herself. It was almost with horror that she heard herself say, 'So you want to break away from me, as your father did. '
Marlene flinched, then recovered. She said, 'Is it really true, Mother, that he broke away from you? Perhaps things might have been different if you had behaved differently. ' Then she added quietly, just as though she were announcing that she was done with dinner. 'You drove him away, didn't you, Mother?'