Noel paused, his mouth open. “And for you,” he said softly.
“I didn’t ask for one,” she said a bit more loudly.
“Holly!” Aunt Mae said.
Mrs. Shale sat quietly on the sofa.
Holly glanced at her. “I thought you would understand.”
“I do, dear.”
Sam grabbed his jacket. “Um. I gotta go. Goodnight, Dr. Green.”
“Sam, please stay. I’m not upset with you,” Holly pleaded.
“It’s okay. I put your chocolates under the tree. You don’t have to keep them there. My feelings won’t be hurt.” He waved to her from the door. “See you after Christmas.”
“Goodnight, Sam,” she called.
“Holly, you scared the poor boy off,” Aunt Mae said.
“I told him to stay. He left of his own accord. And he didn’t seem frightened to me,” Holly said. “It’s late anyway.”
Aunt Mae cleared the dining room table. “Yes it is. Come on, Maureen. Let’s go upstairs.”
Mrs. Shale stood from the sofa. “Goodnight, dear.”
“Goodnight, Mrs. Shale,” she said, softly. “Goodnight, Aunt Mae.”
Her aunt shook her head at her. “Goodnight, Holly.”
Holly walked over to the tree, her back to Noel. “You have to take this back. Or take it to your house, like you were supposed to.”
“It’s late. It’s not like you can return a tree at customer service. And it won’t fit on my car. That’s why I had it delivered,” Noel responded, his voice growing louder with a mixture of dismay to outright disappointment. Noel took a deep breath and softened his tone. “Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. You’re on call. You won’t have to look at it. You’ll be at your aunt’s house for Christmas. I’ll arrange for someone to pick it up the day after.” Noel walked up to her and rested his hand on her shoulder. “Holly, you kissed me at Callahan’s under the mistletoe with Christmas tree lights twinkling in the background. I thought you were having a great time.”
She turned to face him, not bothering to swipe the tears trickling down her hot cheeks. “I was.”
Noel wiped her cheeks with the back of his sleeve. “We’ll decorate this tree better than the one at Callahan’s.”
Holly sniffled. “Everything at Callahan’s; the tree, the mistletoe, that’s all fantasy.”
Noel squinted. “Our whole evening was a fantasy to you?”
“Of course not. That’s not what I meant. Noel, this is my reality. I’m not ready for all this.”
“Okay, But Holly, this is your reality, and you’re missing it because you’re too busy with the past. I’m sorry about all of this. I made a mistake. We…I…have to get up early. I better go.”
Resorting to her barricading stance, Holly wrapped her arms across her chest. “I think that would be best.”
Noel lowered his eyes. “Okay,” he said softly and then left, slowly clicking her front door closed.
Holly clutched her head and squeezed her wet eyes shut. It felt like a bomb was ready to go off in her chest, about to leave her insides splintered into a million pieces. It was all her fault. Noel was gone.
Chapter Ten
Holly flopped onto the sofa, waiting for the crunch of his tires to fade. The house was silent and Noel was gone. Hugging herself, she stared at the evergreen tree, its branches lush and wintery fragrant. She had picked out the tree for Noel between the many vying to be chosen to come home with a family and be adorned with glossy ornaments and glittery tinsel. Holly stood and walked over to it, relaxing the squeeze of her arms pressed to her chest. She gazed down at a box of ornaments. Its lid was loose and cocked to one side, revealing the first row of Christmas bulbs. Each ornament was neatly quartered in an appointed cardboard slot. She knelt and pulled one out of the box by its hook and cradled it in her palms. Her tears dried. Holly smiled. The bright blue ball with a snowman, his twig fingers holding onto his black hat, swirls of glitter “wind” wrapping around him, was her childhood favorite, the first one to grace the tree every year. Crowning herself the best snowman builder at the age of seven, Holly had begged her father to buy her that ornament. She lifted it and was poised to hang it onto the tree when a creak of a stair startled her. She tucked her snowman quickly back into the box.
Mrs. Shale appeared at the bottom of the stairway and paused, her hand resting on the dark wood banister. “Are you all right?” she asked.
“I’m okay,” Holly said softly. A lie. She wasn’t going to burden Mrs. Shale. “But you’re up late. You need your rest.”
Mrs. Shale walked into the living room and sat in wing-backed chair facing Holly. She drew a deep breath. “You said I didn’t understand, but I really do.”
Holly’s shoulders sank. “I didn’t intend to accuse you of that. I was just overwhelmed. Noel’s final surprise of an evening that had gone so well left me gobsmacked. I behaved poorly. I’m so sorry. And I’m afraid I blew it with Noel, not to mention disappointing Aunt Mae.”
“Your aunt loves you, and Noel is a good man. He reminds me of my Martin. Martin adored Christmas. He’d grumble about stringing up lights on the house. There was always a bulb that burned out, foiling the whole string. Oh, he’d be out there all night until every one of those lights obeyed.” Mrs. Shale laughed. “Then he’d boast to everyone that it wasn’t that hard, offering tips for outdoor decoration.”
Holly pulled up from her knees and sat cross-legged at Mrs. Shale’s feet, gazing up at her. “Martin sounds like my dad. He was in charge of the outside while Mom decorated the inside with garland. She loved doing up the bathrooms, too. I used to tease her that she had the largest selection of Christmas themed towels and scented soaps.”
Mrs. Shale leaned forward and brushed Holly’s hair from her eyes. “You miss that, don’t you?”
Holly shrugged. “The white fluffy towels in my bathrooms do remind me of snow.”
Okay, that was a stretch.
“I guess they do,” Mrs. Shale said, nodding. She paused for a few seconds. “I didn’t agree with surprising you with the tree initially, but Noel had called your Aunt Mae earlier and told her how you had admired this particular tree at the Christmas tree lot, so we thought you’d be okay with it here, even enjoy it. We misjudged your readiness. We shouldn’t have pushed you, expecting you to jump right into our tree trimming party.”
Holly shook her head. “It’s not your fault. I know everyone just wanted to see me happy.”
Mrs. Shale rubbed her chin. “Martin had been ill, his heart failure worsening over a month’s time. He died this past spring. Although I miss him terribly, I can’t imagine how you felt that Christmas Eve. You were a child who lost her parents. I am a grown woman who had forty-three years with a wonderful husband. When I said that I understood, I couldn’t possible have. I’m sorry your evening ended like that.”
“It’s okay. And I know this Christmas must be difficult for you too. I need to apologize to Noel.” She pressed her lips tight for a moment. “ But I don’t know how to do it. It will awkward.”
Mrs. Shale stroked Holly’s hand. “You’ll know when the moment is right. And I’m sure he’s forgiven you.”
“We’re both on call tomorrow. There’s no way I’ll be able to avoid him.”
“Do you really want to duck him?”
Holly shrugged. She figured Noel wouldn’t be looking for her anyway, not after she completely deflated him.
Mrs. Shale rocked out of the chair. “I’m turning in. Sleep on it, dear. Everything will all look different in the morning. I promise.”
Holly’s throat caught. “My mom used to say that.”
Mrs. Shale winked. “Wise woman. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Mrs. Shale. And thank you.”
“You’re welcome, but I should be thanking you for taking me in.” She gave Holly’s hand a squeeze. “We’ll get through this Christmas together.”
Chapter Eleven
Holly’s stomach twisted in knots. It was Christmas Eve.
The forecast predicted a snowstorm and she was on call, along with Noel. Holly stood in the stairwell and took a deep breath before ascending the last flight of stairs to the surgical unit. Having blown any lasting relationship with Noel, she had bypassed her morning coffee, downing a glass of orange juice for breakfast instead, and that’s only because Aunt Mae and Mrs. Shale wouldn’t let her out of the house until she swallowed every drop. They had even shoved scrambled eggs and toast onto her plate.
“I want that plate completely cleaned off, young lady,” Aunt Mae had admonished her. “ And I laid out your boots, hat, and scarf, and I tucked your gloves into your coat pockets. So there’s no excuse for you not to finish your breakfast.”
“What am I? Ten?” Holly grumbled. She sighed. Well, I guess I acted like a ten- year-old last night.
Holly’s stomach rumbled in protest from her gunshot breakfast. She rubbed her disgruntled belly. This was going to be a long night. Holly had to make amends with Noel. She’d start by thanking him for the wonderful tree and his thoughtfulness. Then she’s ease into the real contrition that she had behaved badly. Holly’s heart squeezed. She climbed the final flight and paused behind the gray metal stairwell door. Holly pumped her fist. That’s it! After rounds, I’ll ask Noel to meet me in the call room. I’ll hug him. Kiss him. Tell him I’ve been a jerk. Noel will forgive me. We’ll have a nice lunch afterwards. A smile graced Holly’s lips. Yes! Then we’ll go back to the call room. And who knows? If it stays quiet, we’ll dabble in some Christmas Eve revelry...alone!
Holly burst through the door with renewed vigor. She practically skipped down the hallway, only easing her happy gallop when the unit clerk popped her head from her computer, raising her eyebrows at Holly. Holly nodded to the clerk and proceeded past her with her usual staccato strut. But today Holly’s strut had an extra kick to it.
Then she spotted Noel, gathered with his surgical team and chatting with a bunch of doe eyed nurses, throwing in a laugh or two for good measure. Holly shot him a huge grin. But Noel merely nodded, his lips only curving upward slightly. Her pulse shot up. Not only had she embarrassed herself in front of Noel, but she swore the whole staff was staring right at her.
Holly cleared her throat. “Um, sorry I’m late.” She certainly was not going to confess that her aunt made her eat all her breakfast, delaying her arrival. She could always blame the snow. But she didn’t. Holly eyeballed her team. “Go on to the first room,” she said quickly before her throat dried up. “I’ll catch up with you.”
Holly darted into the call room. She slid off her boots, slipped out of her coat, and peeled off her gloves. It was frigid outside but her hands were sweaty. She rubbed her palms on her skirt. Holly stepped into her black flats and flung on her lab coat. On her way out of the call room, Holly caught her reflection in the mirror. Oh my God, she muttered. Her cheeks were beet red, not the rosy, frosty winter kind, but the dreadfully flushed kind. Complete humiliation. Holly hated that Noel didn’t seem bothered one bit. But then why should he? She gave a brief little snort and patted her hair. “Just go out there and do your job,” she said to the woman cringing back at her in the mirror. After splashing some cold water on her face, Holly left the call room with two missions: avoid Noel at all costs, and get through Christmas Eve.
Holly pinned her shoulders back and strode past the nurse’s station. With her chin held high and her eyes straight ahead, she assumed her Napoleonic stance in front of her team. She couldn’t help but glance across the hallway at Noel who was leading his team on morning rounds. She darted her eyes away from him the second he responded to her gaze with a slight cock of his head and raise of a brow while his resident presented a case. His lips relaxed open as if he wanted to say something to her, and she leaned away from her team, so desperately wanting to say something to him, but then they moved farther apart. Their respective rounds moved in opposite directions, until Noel was no longer within her eyes’ reach.
Her stomach fluttered and her mouth had gone dry. Holly quickly licked her lips. She curled her toes in her shoes and took a deep breath. Everyone expected the old Holly Green, and that’s what everyone was going to get.
Holly roamed her eyes about her group of medical students and residents. Their eyes shifted from one another, waiting like sacrificial lambs to be called upon. She furrowed her forehead. “Where’s Dr. Clifford Jackson?” Her intern was the only doctor on her team who consistently arrived even before she did for morning rounds.
“Excuse me, Dr. Green,” the unit clerk called. Holly’s team parted, letting the woman through. “I have a message from Dr. Jackson. He says he is unavoidably delayed due to the heavy snow. He’s stuck in traffic. The clerk jutted the note out to Holly. Holly took the paper from the stoic woman and shoved it into her lab coat pocket.
“Thank you,” Holly said politely.
The unit clerk rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Just to let you all know that I am not an answering service.” Then the woman let a wink escape towards Holly. “I am going back to my own work now.”
Holly nodded with a slight smile. “Okay, and thanks again.”
“Uh huh,” the woman muttered and then strode away.
Holly knew the clerk had a rare sweet spot for her and for Clifford.
“Well, let’s go on, shall we? She waved the team on with a flick of her wrist. “I’m sure Dr. Jackson will join us as soon as possible.” Holly zeroed in on Candice. “Present the next case, Ms. Baxter.”
After Clifford’s tutelage, Candice shined in her presentation. Holly would show her appreciation by giving Clifford more O.R. time. She glanced at her watch. Morning rounds were over, and there was still no sign of Clifford. She dismissed her team and bid them a Merry Christmas. Holly grinned at the quizzical looks upon their faces as they left in silence, glancing back at her ever few steps as if they hadn’t recognized her. Yes, she was changing, softening a bit around those rough, raw edges of hers that she had purposely placed to keep everyone at bay. But she hadn’t changed fast enough to keep Noel. Her shoulders sank. Noel was nowhere in sight. His team was gone and so was he. Holly frowned. Was he entertaining the nurses? She’d go and check.
Holly tiptoed to the end of the corridor. She halted. Why was she even sneaking around? For God’s sake, she was Dr. Holly Green! She balled her hand into a fist. This is my hospital! She drew a deep breath and turned the corner with gusto. But all she saw were nurses entering their notes on the computers and the unit clerk with the phone to her ear. No Noel. She’d ask the unit clerk. The woman knew everything and had eyes in the back of her head. No one made a move on 6 West without the clerk knowing about it. Holly approached the nurses’ station. She ducked into the unit kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee, buying some time before getting the nerve up to inquire about Noel without looking like some pathetic, lovelorn woman. She inched up behind the unit clerk.
The clerk, who apparently was on hold, or perhaps not even listening to the person on the other end of the phone asked, without turning her head, “Can I help you, Dr. Green?”
Holly blinked while cradling her coffee. How does she do that? “Uh, have you seen Dr. Shepherd?”
The clerk spun around in her chair, the phone still pressed to her ear. “Dr. Shepherd went to the cafeteria,” she paused, “with Margo.”
Holly’s heart slammed in her chest. She recognized the snooty nurse’s name, the same one who had mocked her in the locker room and practically shoved her breasts in Noel’s face that night in Callahan’s Pub. Holly squeezed her cup until coffee squirted from the lid’s spout and sprayed the lapel of her lab coat. The nurses stopped typing at their keyboards. One grabbed a tissue.
“Oh here you go, Dr. Green,” the nurse said with sympathy in her eyes.
Holly set her coffee cup on the counter and furiously dabbed at her lab coat. Her hands trembled. Oh so bad for a surgeon.
“Hurry and splash some water on it or it will stain,” another nurse said, a mixture of pity and worry across he
r face.
No one was afraid to be around her anymore. Oh my God, they feel bad for me. Everyone knows Noel and I aren’t an item anymore. They want to hug me instead run from me. The hospital rumor mill must be on overdrive! I have to out of here.
“Thank you,” she quickly said to the nurses. “I’ll go and wash it out in the call room.” Holly met the unit clerk’s gaze, a weird soulful look in the woman’s eyes. “Please page me when Dr. Jackson arrives.”
The clerk nodded. “Will do, Dr. Green. Now you go take of yourself...uh...I mean take care of your coat.”
Holly curtly nodded. She couldn’t escape fast enough, leaving her coffee behind.
***
Holly dodged into the doctor’s call room and shoved the door closed. She plopped onto the bed, swung her legs up onto the mattress, and flopped her head onto the pillow. Tucking her hands behind her head, Holly stared at the stark ceiling tiles. The call rooms were all clones; rectangular cubicles with white walls, a generic picture of mountains or gardens poised on one wall, a standard single bed with an extra stiff mattress and a crunchy hospital pillow to match, one Formica fake wood nightstand with a dim lamp, an ancient TV set mounted on a rack high above the foot of the bed with a remote that only worked if you smacked it a few times, and a sterile bathroom with a no frills shower. The only difference in the call rooms was that Holly was in one room and Noel was “supposed to be” in the other, a wall, not to mention awkward emotions, separating them.
Holly lay there fiddling with the pager clipped onto the cinched waistband of her scrub pants. No way was she going to that cafeteria. Her chest ached at the thought of Noel and Margo tucked into a corner booth, the same booth that she and Noel shared just a few days ago. She puckered her lower lip. Why did Noel act that way? Did I misinterpret the last few days with him? What about that kiss in Callahan’s, right there in front of the tree, in front of everyone there? Holly gritted her teeth. Even Margo! And what about the ice-skating? The way we held hands. That twinkle in his eyes. Didn’t that mean anything? She sighed. Oh, I get it. He can’t handle that I have this freakish fear of Christmas. Then she sniffed. God, I don’t blame him. She did basically kick him out of her house after he surprised her with that evergreen. Why didn’t he just tell me?