‘It’s lovely, love.’ May fidgets beside him, restless as always as she picks at some bread.
‘You’re not too cold? We could go somewhere else if you’re cold?’
‘No I’m nice and warm, pet.’
‘Are you tired after the flight? You look a bit tired. Maybe we should have gone straight home instead of stopping off here.’
‘I am a bit tired, Mallard. It felt longer than usual. Or maybe I’m just getting old.’
‘Well it can’t be that,’ Mallard smiles. ‘It must have been longer than usual. Why don’t you go for a dip?’
‘That’s a good idea.’ She brightens up and hops over the harsh pebbles that border the lake.
Mallard looks out to the lake and spots familiar characters bobbing nearby in the waters. He quickly follows after her. ‘Actually, I’ll join you, May, those French lads over there were on the flight with us. Never stopped jabbering on for a second, do you remember them?’
‘Oh, you know me, love, I was in my own world. I was just watching the view for the entire journey.’
‘Well that’s what I wanted to do too but it was just bonjour this, oui, oui that, all the way over. And I wouldn’t trust them: males such as those just come over here to ruffle a few feathers, if you know what I mean.’
‘Oh, Mallard,’ May laughs. ‘You exaggerate too much. They look like they’re a friendly bunch to me.’
‘Of course they do, that’s what they want you to think. For Christ’s sake, don’t look now, May, they’re looking right over at us! Ah, hello there!’ He calls across to them and adds under his breath, ‘They’re coming over.’
’ Bonjour.’
‘Eh, yeah, bonjour to you, too. Enjoy your flight?’
‘Oui, oui, it was très pleasant. Scenery was spectacular all of the way. Let us introduce ourselves, je m’appelle Pierre and this is monfrère— my brother—Jean-Paul.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ May says politely.
‘This is my wife May, and I’m Mallard.’
‘Ah! Mallard!’ He laughs.
‘Yes, my parents were imaginative,’ he says, feeling himself heat up.
‘What a charming name.’ Pierre smiles. ‘Enchanté.’
Jean-Paul doesn’t say anything. Mallard eyes him suspiciously.
The four of them bob up and down rhythmically in the water. The motion is soothing and the gentle breeze of the morning sun tickles and brightens their faces, like a paintbrush on canvas.
May disappears as she dives head down into the waters, and not being the best conversationalist in the world, particularly with strangers, Mallard looks around awkwardly.
‘So, Mallard, are you from around here?’
‘No, no, we live more inland, Carrick-on-Shannon to be precise, but thought we’d give this Lake Corrib a crack, seein’ as it was such a lovely day and all and we’ve heard so much about it. We always travel with a large group, from in and around the same area, but we just thought we’d go out on our own for a little while. We’ll head home shortly.’
May, who’s still head down, kicks the surface of the water and manages to splash the three of them.
‘Eh, sorry about that. May’s a keen diver.’ He watches the soles of her feet splish, splash. ‘We’ve got a place in South Africa where we spend the winter, but it’s always nice to get back home, isn’t it?’
‘Bien sur. J’adore Irlande. We come every year.’
‘Is that so? Seems these days it’s the other way around, with the country doing so well and all, the skies are filled with plane loads of people flying out to their holiday homes. Can’t get away from the Irish at all, I find,’ Mallard says seriously.
To his confusion, they both laugh and Mallard can’t relax until May pops back up from the water.
‘Where do you stay when you’re here, Pierre?’ she asks, shaking off the water from her face, sending droplets flying into Mallard’s eyes.
‘Every year we have spent months in Dublin city. J’adore Dublin. We spent most of our days in St Stephen’s Green in Dublin. The weather was splendid, such a lovely park with lake and waterfall. We have been every year, but for last year.’
Jean-Paul shoots him a warning look.
‘Where did you go last year?’ Mallard asked curiously, unsure of Pierre’s brother.
‘We stayed in Kildare last year but never again, now it harbours such sad memories for us,’ Pierre’s tone changes.
Jean-Paul, who has been silent for practically the entire conversation, looks away from his brother and floats ever so slightly away from them, detaching himself from the conversation.
Mallard, not good with emotions, looks to May for help. He cocks his head sideways, motioning for her to say something to the upset Pierre.
‘Oh, Pierre,’ May says softly, ‘I do hope everything is OK.’
’ Non, mon frère—pardonez-moi, my brother—we lost him on our last trip to Ireland.’
‘Oh, dear!’ May says. ‘How did you lose him?’
‘He was shot.’
‘Shot?!’ she gasps. ‘Sweet Lord, where on earth, how on earth, who on earth would shoot him here?’
‘We were exploring the area, we had never been to Kildare before. July last year. Très green, lots of golf courses, very pretty. But we see men, with guns and they bang! bang!, and Luc, he fall down.’
May gasps and moves closer to Mallard for protection.
‘But surely the men were caught? And punished? I hope they were locked away for life,’ Mallard says, feeling angry.
’ Non. I’m sure these men were not, for there was nothing we could do. We had to leave him, to save ourselves. That I will never forgive myself for, but if we were to stay in the area we would be like sitting ducks. We do not know who the thugs are, where they are and how we can prove anything to anyone.’
Jean-Paul looks to him with concern and Pierre responds, ‘ Je vais bien, Jean-Paul. Merci.’
Mallard is suspicious.
‘Oh, that’s awful,’ May sobs.
‘Now now, love.’
‘What is the world coming to, at all?’
‘Oui, the violence. So unfair, so unjust.’
‘I’m surprised you’d want to return here at all,’ Mallard says.
‘We flew to the North of England but it was très froid. Perhaps we will one day return to our home country France, but we prefer it here and Luc would have wanted us to return to this place that we journeyed to together. We travelled here from South Africa with many friends, as I’m sure you saw on our flight, and we will stay with them. Écoutez moi, safety in numbers, Mallard and May, remember that.’
‘Yes,’ Mallard says, huddling closer to his wife. ‘Indeed.’
‘Maybe we should go back home now, Mallard,’ May suggests in a quiet voice. ‘Back to our friends and family.’
‘Yes my love. Perhaps we should.’
They say their goodbyes and Mallard and May watch Pierre and Jean-Paul exit the lake and make their way back to their group.
‘Oh how sad, Mallard. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.’
‘And I too, my love, I too.’
‘You know I’ve wanted to thank you for not leaving me after we had the little ones—’
‘Now, now, May,’ he interrupts. ‘There’s no need to get into all of that. It’s in the past now.’
‘No, Mallard.’ She turns to face him. ‘I want to talk about it, you never let me talk about it. Most of my friends, and Susie just recently … as soon as they had the little ones, their other halves were off. I’ve heard of it all too often. I don’t know why they felt they all had to form that little male group together,’ she says angrily. Then she softens. ‘But you didn’t. You stayed with me and I appreciate that.’
Mallard takes in her little face, browned and soft. He smiles. ‘I couldn’t have left you, my love, not for a second.’
‘But I am so plain and you aren’t. You are—’
‘Hush, May, why are you speaking like
this? I love you. We beat all the odds, didn’t we? All these years together?’
She nods, happily.
‘Now, let’s get back to the rest of them, shall we?’
They bob up and down in the water for a little while longer, watching the sun rising in the sky, feeling content and safe with one another and savouring the moment. Mallard nuzzles May and they smile at one another.
Shortly after the sun has pulled itself out of the water, they leave the waters, dry off and begin their journey home. After many pleasant hours spent journeying through the countryside, they reach the outskirts of their home town.
‘It’s very quiet around here, isn’t it?’ May comments to Mallard, as they make their way through the village and to the peace and quiet of their home beyond it.
‘Indeed it is, I wonder if there’s something going on. A gathering somewhere of some kind?’
Bang! Bang! Bang!
The loudest noise in the distance, so sudden, May lets out a scream.
‘My goodness, Mallard! What on earth!’
‘Stay close, my love, stay close.’ Mallard’s heart slams in his chest while May whimpers beside him.
‘Is it the people Pierre was talking about?’ Her voice trembles.
‘It can’t be my love.’ But Mallard doesn’t sound so sure. ‘We must make our way as quietly as possible. Find somewhere safe to hide until they have gone. Honestly, a few months out of this country and look what happens. It feels like a war zone. What on earth has happened? Hush now, we must be quiet.’
They quietly make their way through the trees, only minutes from their home, trying to make as little rustling sound as possible. They hear the men close by and suddenly Mallard feels far too old for this situation. If he was younger he could be faster, but he and May must be still now and very, very quiet. May steps on a branch and it snaps loudly.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
He jumps. There is silence, he glimpses through the leaves, the men are nowhere in sight. He remains quiet a little longer and holds his breath, unsure whether they’re being tricked. When a few minutes pass, he sighs with relief.
‘I think we’re OK now, love. I think they’re gone.’
May is silent.
Mallard’s heart thuds again.
‘May?’ He spins around.
May is lying by his side, her eyes open staring lifelessly at the skies above.
‘May,’ he begins to whimper. ‘Oh, my May. My sweet May. Wake up, love. Wake up.’
But he knows May won’t wake, for the life in her has gone. He hears footsteps coming towards him. A hand reaches through the leaves and branches and comes down beside him. He moves away quickly. The hand grabs May, carries her upwards into the air.
‘There it is,’ the man says. ‘That’ll do nicely for tomorrow’s dinner.’
‘Wife will be impressed by a bit of duck à l’orange,’ the other jokes, and they make their way back out of the trees.
Mallard, broken and lost, watches from his hiding place among the reeds, as they carry his May by her legs, hanging her upside down. They make their way through the marsh, their long hunting guns resting over their shoulders.
Now there is nothing but quiet for Mallard. He sits for hours on the muddy floor, listening to the sounds of shots far off in the distance, and strains his ears to hear the sound of May’s call. But it doesn’t come. Anger sets in as he wonders what on earth the world has become; such sadness overcomes him as he contemplates what his world holds for him without his May.
Hunger and friends find him alone and trembling hours later and so, building up all the courage he possibly can, he finally leaves the safety of his hiding place and flies off towards the same sun he watched rise that morning, with May.
With each flap of his wings and with each memory of May, his heavy wings lighten as he allows his love for her to lift him. He floats higher and higher, and follows his personal pathway to the sun.
9 The Things That I Remember
My granddad used to steal the broccoli from my dinner plate when my mother wasn’t looking. I’d sit alone at the kitchen table that had become my prison, with legs dangling, podgy fist under double chin, staring at a plate of, by then, cold vegetables. Everyone else had long since finished their dessert and moved on to the TV room, where I could hear them laughing with bellies full of veg they never seemed to have a problem swallowing.
I was, as usual, under strict orders not to leave the table until the plate was emptied. No amount of tears, crocodile or otherwise, and no amount of retching, dry or otherwise, could save me. Plans for a trip to the toilet armed with a mouthful of food and a readiness to spit had been foiled. It seemed nothing now could get me away from the boredom and loneliness of dinnertime alone.
Then, just as I would feel that all hope was lost, my granddad would save me; white hair and moustache to the rescue. His hand would jump onto my plate, grab the broccoli, and into his round, Santa-Claus-like tummy it would go. I would smile at him with relief, he would wink and then I would sigh and return my gaze to my plate. Only a few more to go. I loved when he visited, especially at dinnertimes. I remember the feel of his cardigan as it itched my cheek. I see my small chubby fingers playing with big, brown, shiny buttons. I remember a feather in his hat. I hear him talk about his calculator—my granddad, who thought his pocket calculator was the greatest invention in the whole world.
My grandma used to take her teeth out of her mouth, hold them in her hand and scare my friends away. She would wrap her lips into her mouth, opening and shutting her gob like a fish, gummy as the day she was born. While others would scream and run, I would throw my head back and laugh. I remember how she used to dive onto my bed to wake me up in the mornings.
The cross on the end of her necklace always fell down between her bosoms, and I would watch the emerald stone, resting there alongside the lines and crackles of her skin. She would sing when people were silent, hum while they were hushed. She would devour food with such pleasure you would think it was the first time she had experienced taste.
My uncles used to throw me from person to person like a ball, in the front garden. Swirling visions of greens, blues and bearded men mixed with the sounds of my own laughter trapped at the back of my throat, their laughter and my mother’s shouts for them to stop. But I’d keep on swirling, rolling through the air like a snowball in a fight but always landing in safe arms.
My father used to slide the loose change from the windowsill into his hand every morning and then put it in his pocket before he went to work. The windows used to steam up in the kitchen on cold dark winter nights when my mother cooked dinner. My sister had a T-shirt that said ‘Kisses for Sale’. I remember liking the sound of tap shoes on the marble fireplace, I remember nobody else agreeing.
These are the people I love. These are the people I spend this year’s Valentine’s Day with. I’m home alone, living happily in my head, remembering, laughing, crying and missing them. I want to pluck them from my memories and pull them into my day, into my present life. I want them as they were, to talk to me as I am now.
This Valentine’s Day I am home alone, but I’m far from feeling it. I’m flicking through a photo album looking through snapshots of moments, single pieces of a jigsaw from an overall picture I never fully understood. I sense I’m surrounded by all those who take this time to embrace me. Their memories are their hugs, the tears of happiness that run down my cheeks, their kisses. Outside my window, the world is busy getting ready to go out, getting ready to live for a moment that will be remembered another day. And I feel OK about that.
It’s OK that I’m not out tonight with a partner, playing footsie under the table, meaningful glances over a flickering candle, holding hands above the table while we spoon dessert into one another’s mouth. It’s OK that I received no cards today and it’s OK that every film on television is about a kind of love that I don’t have tonight. It’s OK.
I’ve just had a long bath, I’ve finished my new favourite
book, I’m wrapped in a towelling robe and curled up on the sofa with a mug of steaming coffee in one hand. I’m looking out at the dark night through the window, at the rain splashing against the glass, blurring the grey landscape, and I watch the drops chasing one another down the pane. It’s OK that I’m not running through the rain, holding hands with a lover, avoiding puddles and laughing. It’s OK that I received no flowers today, that I’m not all dressed up with somewhere to go.
We don’t always have to do something, we don’t always have to create memories; sometimes it’s just enough to simply remember. Today, these are the things that I remember.
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EPub Edition © SEPTEMBER 2010 ISBN: 978-0-007-41620-2
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