And this time it wasn’t because I blamed myself. At least I was pretty much cured of that. I just missed my dad. And I knew, really knew the hard way, what dead really meant.
The strange thing was I knew Doctor Martin could relate because his wife, Robby’s mom, died from cancer last year and this would be their first Christmas without her too.
In a way it felt good that my shrink would be there for me if things got tough. I just wished Robby felt the same way. I mean, I know Robby loves his dad, but they haven’t exactly been close since Mrs. Martin died. From the things Robby says you’d swear it was all his dad’s fault their not close, but some part of me says that it’s at least partly, if not mostly Robby’s.
That’s how it was with my mom before the great save. I pushed her away, but that’s so totally history. We’ve been uber close lately and I know we’ll get through Christmas. It stinks to have to think of it that way. Get through Christmas – like it was a chore. It should be the best time of the year. And maybe it would be again … someday. Just not this year.
All these thoughts were racing through my head as I eased along the road to his office, which also happened to be next to his house. Normally, I’d let Robby know if I was seeing his dad and I’d stop by after, but instinctively, I knew this wouldn’t be a good time. I dropped my bike on the side of the path and headed for the door.
It opened before I even had a chance to knock, which completely weirded me out, because that only meant one thing. He’d been watching for me. He smiled that same reassuring smile he always did. The one that usually made me feel better.
It didn’t today.
Then I felt it. The slight shiver. The hair on my arms lifting straight up. Holy crap, if I needed Grandma then this really wasn’t going to be good. But there wasn’t a sound from the other side and it wasn’t like Grandma to be quiet.
Dr. Martin held the door open and stepped out of the way for me to enter. He glanced at me quickly, but didn’t hold my gaze. That was odd. Usually he looked right at you, deep into your eyes so you wouldn’t hold anything back. He’d lock on and those eyes would suck the truth out of you. Well, most of it anyway.
Not today.
In fact, he was looking everywhere but into my eyes, which made me even more uneasy. He seemed guilty. You know the look. The kind you get when you’re trying to hide whatever it is that you’ve done that you don’t want your parents to know about, so you look down a lot, and it’s that look that eventually clues them into your misconduct.
Anyway, that’s when it hit me. Maybe this wasn’t about me. Maybe there was another reason for him to call. I looked directly at him, eyes unwavering. Once again he glanced at me and then his eyes went quickly back down to the floor.
Oh yeah, major guilt on his part. I crossed my arms and stood there waiting.
He stepped behind his desk like he was using it for cover and sat down. “Have a seat, Salem.”
I sat down on the maroon leather chair that I’d become so used to and remained silent.
“Um, Salem, you must be wondering why I asked you here on such short notice, when we weren’t scheduled for an appointment.”
He snuck a look and I have to admit the pained expression made me feel pity. I wanted to let him off the hook. I mean, the guy had helped me out a lot with my dad’s death, and he was Robby’s father.
“This visit doesn’t really have anything to do with me, does it?” I asked. “I mean, I‘m not here to discuss any of my issues, right?”
He laughed lightly and looked directly at me. “You are very perceptive.”
“So, if it’s not about me, then I’d have to guess that it has something to do with Robby.”
“Right again.”
“But it doesn’t have to do with me and Robby. I mean, you’re not upset that he’s dating me too much or anything like that.” I sat up straight and my voice went up an octave and ended with a little squeak. Losing Robby was just so what I didn’t need right now. I knew we were spending a lot of time together and to be honest I thought my mother would have something to say soon. My stomach flipped and I prayed for it to be something else, anything else.
It worked. Unfortunately, I learned the phrase ‘watch what you wish for’.
“No, of course not. I’m just worried about Robby.” He folded his hands and went back to looking at them. “I know I shouldn’t be talking to you about this but, …” He shook his head. “There’s no one else. I had you come here so Robby wouldn’t suspect anything.”
Oh great. He wanted me to keep this from Robby. I couldn’t believe it. Not of him. Outside of my dad, Dr. Martin had all the qualities a good adult man should have. And I admired the good doctor. So I was confused by what he was saying, what he was asking. “Dr. Martin. I don’t want to keep secrets from Robby.”
“And I wouldn’t want you to, but … I need your help. Right now I think you might be the only person who can help Robby. He won’t listen to me at all.” Doctor Martin leaned back in his chair. It squeaked and tipped back like it was going to fall over, like the entire balance of his life had tipped and lost its equilibrium. “He’s going to throw his entire future away because he’s angry at me.”
I shifted in my chair. Oh this was so not going to be fun. How do you tell a dad to butt out of his son’s life? Well, best to spit it out quickly. “I’m sorry, Dr. Martin but you need to look at a key word you used there. His future. Don’t you think he’s entitled to decide what he wants?” I held my breath hoping I hadn’t stepped over the line.
“I’m not trying to dictate his future. I just don’t want him to give up his dream and waste his talent because he can’t forgive me.”
I was a little confused but didn’t have the cohones to ask what needed forgiving. “Becoming an artist is his dream and he’s very talented.”
“Is that what you think this is all about? His wanting to continue to paint?”
“Isn’t it?” I asked wondering what part of the conversation I’d missed.
He laughed again only this time it was full of bitterness. He wiped his hand over his face as if trying to dust away pain. “I’m not trying to prevent Robby from developing his artistic talent. But he’s good even without any classes. I do, however, want him to go to a traditional school, maybe have a double major. A business degree wouldn’t hurt. A least something else to fall back on. Not that I don’t think he’s talented enough.”
“But he wants to go to Rhode Island School of Design and RISD is a great art school.”
Dr. Martin looked at me like he couldn’t believe I could be that dense. “It’s not about the art. He only decided to go there to spite me.”
Now it was my turn to stare at him. How could this man that I looked up to be such a … baby? “Do you actually hear what you’re saying?”
He slammed his hand down on the desk and his voice became louder. “Yes and I’m serious. He only wants to go there so he won’t have to play hockey. So that no one will be able to change his mind or talk him into going back.”
I couldn’t believe it. Hockey? This whole conversation was leading up to this? “Oh no. That’s why I’m here? You want me to talk him into playing hockey again?” I gave him my best ‘Are you shitting me?’ look. “That was your dream, not his.”
“No, Salem. That’s not true. You haven’t known Robby that long.” I began to baulk but before I could make more than a sound he held up his hand. “Not really. You didn’t know him before his mother died.”
I sighed. He had me there. Could Robby have been that different?
“You’ve never seen him on the ice. He was born to it and has a talent very few possess. He could get a full college scholarship to the University of Vermont. A scout approached me last year. He couldn’t make an offer yet, but he made it very clear he intended to this year. To be honest, he could go pro. He’s that good. And he loves …” He must have thought better of what he was about to say because he changed tense. “He loved it.”
Dr. M
artin put both hands over his eyes and rested his head in the palms of his hands. I’d never seen him look so frustrated or so … beaten.
It seemed like he was just making excuses. Somehow I had to make him see that his dream wasn’t Robby’s. “I don’t understand. If he loved it that much…”
“His mother died the night of the championship game and he blames me for making him go.”
I blew out a gust of air as if I’d been punched. Now things were starting to make sense. Although Robby respected his father, I knew they didn’t get along and it was hard to understand because Dr. Martin always seemed like such a nice guy.
“I think it’ll be easier if you just tell me the whole thing so that I can understand.”
He sat back and adjusted in his seat. It was easy to see he wasn’t going to be able to get comfortable. “We knew that Lisa, my wife, had only a little time left. It was getting harder and harder for her to remain focused and increasingly more difficult for her to talk. Robby’s team had made it to the championship. There was one last game.” He pulled at the graying bits at his temples like he was trying to find a way to reverse the decision.
“Why would you make him go when it was that close to the end?”
“It was her last request. She wanted him to go.” Anguish oozed from him like soap from a sponge.
I shut my eyes and tried to take it all in. “You know Robby thinks you want him to play because you wanted to play and couldn’t.”
A pitiful half-hearted laugh escaped him. “I was never that big on hockey. I’d hoped he’d be into baseball, which is the game I really love. But Lisa skated and had him on the ice as soon as he could walk. Hockey was their thing and I just sort of got added on. He was a natural from such an early age… well, it was hard not to get caught up in it.”
Call me slow but it still didn’t make sense to me. “Why would she send him away if she knew it was close to the end? Do you think she thought she’d make it through the game, or do you think she didn’t want him to see her die?”
Dr. Martin hesitated pondering my question. “I think she knew she wouldn’t last the night, but she also knew how important the game was. And she knew there’d be a scout there. Right to the end, she thought only of his future.”
I couldn’t imagine my wonderful artist slapping a puck around a rink, but Dr. Martin was right. There was a whole world of Robby I hadn’t seen. The pre-death Robby. And for the first time I wondered what it would have been like if we met a year ago before both our lives changed forever. But I needed to focus on the now. “Doesn’t Robby know this?”
“He won’t talk to me about it at all. I told him she wanted him to go, but he believes I just wanted that last night with her to myself.”
I have to admit I was stunned. For a few minutes we both just sat there. I couldn’t help it. I mean, what could I do to change any of this? I wasn’t sure what to say.
Then he continued, “The problem now is hockey season is coming up and Robby still hasn’t set foot on the ice. His teammates have practiced and called and he avoids them. He no longer even associates with boys who were his best buddies. He’s become a loner. If it wasn’t for meeting you…” Doctor Martin shook his head again. “Salem, Robby needs more help than you did, but he refuses to meet with a professional. I thought I’d be able to handle it, but it doesn’t work because Robby knows my tricks and I’m a big part of his problem.”
“How do I come into this?”
“Robby is tying his mother’s death to hockey and as long as he boycotts skating, he in effect denies Lisa’s death. He needs to get back on to the ice to heal. Even if he doesn’t go pro, even if he doesn’t play college hockey, he needs to get back on the ice this year, this season. If he turns away from it after that, then it’ll be for a different reason.”
It made sense. I should have known from the beginning he’d only have Robby’s best interest at heart. But still, how could I help fix this? “Again, how am I going to get him to play hockey?”
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “Do you skate?”
Was he serious? I mean, he didn’t really think that Robby and I were going to slap around a puck. “Um, Roller skate. We didn’t even have an ice skating rink near us in North Carolina. Well, I’m sure there was one somewhere in the state, but not in my town.”
“Impossible, this is impossible.” The defeat in his voice made my heart ache. I had to find a way to help them both.
“Wait, maybe… I might have an idea. My friend Berkley. She’s a figure skater. Maybe if I enlisted her. She could teach me, and maybe I could get Robby to take us there or to pick us up. It’d be a start anyway.”
“We need to get to work right away. I’ve told his coach to be patient, but there’s not much time left. They were planning on him being the captain this year. But now it’s too late. That can’t happen now and the team captain isn’t that happy with Robby. They’ve had captain’s practice since the start of the school year. It’s okay for Rob to miss those, but once they start their regular practices he’d have to be there or he wouldn’t be able to play in the games.”
“What’s the difference? Between the two types of practice, I mean.”
“There’s only so much time any team can practice before the games. With a coach on the ice, that is. So the only way to get around it is what’s called a captain’s practice. There the captain of the team gets the members together on the ice without the coach or anyone that’s paid to help the team. Salem, Robby’s running out of time. We’ve got to move fast.”
Great. Let’s add a ticking clock. That’ll surely take some of the pressure off. “I don’t know how fast I can work, but I’ll see if I can help. Do you mind if I talk to Berkley about this?”
“Are you sure she won’t say anything to Robby?” He was so intense. Like he was talking about trusting someone with international security.
“She’s my besty, it’s her job to keep my secrets. Anyway, I don’t have to go into all the details if you don’t want me to.”
“I trust you, so I’ll go with your judgment on this. Just remember, he won’t be too happy if he knows you’re helping me. Call me at the office with any information, questions, anything.” Doctor Martin stood up like he did at the end of any session. “And Salem, thanks.”
He trusted me. With his son. Wow. I suddenly felt uber important. “Anything for Robby. And for you too,” I said as I stood and walked around the side of the desk to give Dr. Martin a needed hug. I felt the unexpected shiver again as I did it. And I didn’t think it was a shiver from cold. But like I said, Grandma was being quiet.
A gust of wind suddenly burst through the open window and the picture of Robby’s mom teetered on his desk. It wobbled for a few seconds before it fell face up on his desk for me to see. Her smile, warm and sunny, spoke volumes. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was being told, but I had no doubt I was being sent a message.
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