After a few more minutes of nodding, I said, “I really do hope someone comes soon because my neck’s about to snap off.”
Then we heard chanting outside. “We want fun and we want it now!!!!”
Practically the whole of Woolfe Academy crashed through the doors. Quickly followed by a gaggle of Dother Hall girls. Phil was leading the chanting.
When he saw Jo, he rushed over to her and snogged her! People yelled, “Whey hey!!!” Then Phil shouted to Jo, “Behave yourself, madam! Please be gentle with me.” Jo hit him with her bag, leapt into his arms, and the party began.
I knew most of the boys from Woolfe by sight and said hello to Edward and Robin and Ben and John and James and Elton and a few others. But there was no Charlie.
I wonder why?
I noticed Flossie fluttering her eyelashes at Ben and you could see his fringe getting excited. Vaisey said, “Lullah, can you see Jack anywhere? And where’s Charlie?”
I didn’t know.
Vaisey said she was going to the loo, but I know she was actually seeing if Jack was around anywhere. Then I saw Ruby! What was she doing here? She must have sneaked in. If her dad finds out, he’ll get the botty-breaker out.
Ruby was on one of the beanbags talking to a boy; she had loads of makeup on and you could see her knickers. I must go and get her.
Before I could, Bob clanked by. He was wearing a bandana and had so many torches and appliances attached to his belt I was amazed he could walk. I said to Flossie, “What’s Bob doing here?”
Flossie said, “Maybe he’s getting down with the kids.”
As he passed, I said, “Hello, Bob, what are you doing here?”
Bob said, “I’m helpin’ me brethren.”
What is he talking about?
Vaisey came back from the loos and said, “Bob’s roadie-ing for The Jones.”
Then Bob spotted Ruby and I heard him say, “That is, like, totally not cool. ’Scuse me, brother, I’m on a mission.” And he clanked over to Ruby, picked her out of the beanbag, and put her under his arm.
As he was carrying her to the door. I could hear her shouting in a French accent, “Oh là là, m’sieur, why are vous holding moi under votre fat arm? I am from la belle France. . . .”
Bob said, “Ruby, be cool, dudette. It’s, like, not happening for you to be here. The big man, the Piemaster, has rules, and his rule is that you do not bust the gig. You are officially leaving the building.”
As she went past, I said, “Night-night, Ruby.”
Someone laughed behind me. “Ah, Tallulah, I see our little friend is being carried out early on.”
And it was Charlie! Hurrah hurrah. I felt all goofy and wobbly.
Charlie seemed happy to see me. And he looked lovely. In a really sharp suit with a Fred Perry shirt underneath. I like that he’s quite tall. And handsome. And lovely. I knew I should say something. But . . .
He smiled at me. “Can I get you anything from the bar?”
I said, “Yes, that would be, er . . . as long as it’s not a . . . a . . . an ice-cube bucket.”
Charlie said, “I’ll make it a Coke, shall I?” And he laughed and went off.
Wow. This was good. After a shaky start, maybe it was going to be a good evening. Even if Charlie did have a girlfriend, I could still enjoy seeing him.
Then Jack arrived. Hurray! Vaisey lit up like a firecracker. All smiley and dimply.
Jack gave Vaisey a little kiss on her ear and said, “Hello, Vaisey. You look lovely. I’m off to get ready to play. But I’ll see you after, won’t I? You’ll watch me, won’t you? I’ve got new sticks.”
Vaisey shook her curls and he went off. She said to me, “He’s got new sticks.”
I said, “So far he’s the only one of The Jones to arrive. They’re supposed to be on in ten minutes. Not that I care.”
Flossie said, “Oh, is that right, Miss Lullabelle? You just kiss ’em and leave ’em.”
Oh no, was the whole night going to be like this?
Just at that moment I caught the eye of one of the village girls. She gave me the evils and said something to her mate, who laughed. I hope they don’t want a fight.
How do girls fight?
Jo will know.
I caught sight of Charlie surrounded by Dother Hall girls. I could see him laughing and joking. He seems really confident around girls.
Hmmm, that will be because he’s had a tiny girlfriend for most of his life.
Vaisey said, “He’s popular, Charlie, isn’t he? And sporty and good-looking. Gosh, girls really like him, don’t they? Look at that Natasha. She’s really flirting with him. And those two sisters that live next to the village shop, they’re all over him like a rash.”
I said, “Yes, yes, Vaisey, I can see that!”
Was he flirting back?
I didn’t have time to see what was going on because then the Hinchcliffs arrived. Cain, as usual, the last and at the back. All in black leather. He’s incredibly good-looking in an awful way. They’re handsome boys, but so moody and difficult. And cross all the time.
There was silence as they arrived and then the village crowd started chanting, “The Jones, The Jones, The Jones.”
Seth and Ruben half smiled and raised an acknowledging hand. As they came close to us, Seth made a clicking sound at Flossie. She went cross-eyed.
Cain walked right past and didn’t even look at me, just said, “There you are. Tha can’t stay away, can thee?”
Flossie said, “Phwoar. He’s wearing Eau de Phwoar!”
The Jones pushed through the mob and the barman handed them drinks.
Cain leaned against the stage and looked around. Staring at people from under his lashes. Not talking to his brothers. A few of the lads clapped him on the shoulder or shook his hand as they went by.
A couple of the village girls were giggling and flicking their hair in front of him. As I watched, one said something to him. And he looked at her and lowered his lashes. Then he leaned over and said something in her ear. And it looked like he put his hand on her corker briefly.
He couldn’t have done!
Then Cain said something in the other girl’s ear and she went all smiley and stupid. What is the matter with some girls?
Ruben tapped Cain on the shoulder and they went off backstage. Jo and Phil still had their arms wrapped round each other and Phil shouted, “I’m free. I’m free! Thanks to my girlfriend!”
Jo looked quite pleased. In fact, I know she was pleased because she hit him hard on the arm. The background music was cut and Bob came onstage, went to the microphone, and tapped it. “Testing, testing. Are you receiving me, dudes?”
Everyone started booing and yelling, “Get off!”
As the booing went on, the Bottomly sisters came in. All four of them in leather coats, Beverley in the middle. She looked around and caught my eye.
It’s official. She hates me.
Flossie said, “Ouch.”
Bob shouted through the microphone, “Gentlemen and ladies, and of course all you other dudes. Tonight is going to be mega.”
The big lads in the crowd shouted, “Get ’em off!”
And Bob said, “Yeah, nice one. Coolio. But we all know why we’re here tonight.”
The same Big Lad said, “Aye, we know why we’re here. It’s just thee we’re puzzled abaht.”
Bob said, “Brilliant. We’ve come to see one of the best bands in Yorkshire. They’re going to rock our world, they are . . . The Jones!”
Seth, Ruben, and Jack came onstage and everybody went mad.
Jack lifted up his sticks and Vaisey shouted, “He said he’d do that. He said he’d show me his sticks. That’s what he’s doing now.”
Ruben tuned up and Seth adjusted his guitar strap. Then the Dark Black Crow of Heckmondwhite walked on. The crowd were yelling and jumping up and down. Cain walked slowly up to the mike, then looked out at the crowd pogoing in front of him.
He said into the mike. “Who are we, who are we???”
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And the crowd roared back, “The Jones! The Jones!”
Cain said, “Reight, that’s who we are. This is a quiet romantic number called ‘Get Someone Else and Leave Me Alone.’” And the band kicked off at full volume.
Phil shouted above the thrashing guitars and mad drumming, “You can say what you like about Cain, but he can shout loud.”
It’s true.
He put absolutely everything into it. He was twirling his mike on its lead high up into the air and catching it. He kicked against the drums. He growled and snarled his way through the first song.
I couldn’t see Charlie anywhere. Perhaps he’d forgotten about getting me a drink.
Flossie yelled, “I don’t think Cain rates girls much, do you?”
As she said that, he announced moodily, “This one is for women everywhere. It’s called ‘Girls Like You Should Be Shot.’”
Flossie raised her eyebrows at me. So the only thing to do was DANCE!
Charlie came back and handed me a Coke and tried to say something, but I couldn’t hear what it was. So we just shrugged, smiled at each other, and danced. Other people joined in, so I got separated from Charlie.
Girls really do like him. He’s a cool dancer.
When The Jones kicked into “You Are Poison,” some of the village lads made a circle and took it in turns to go into the center on their own to show off their moves. One quite big lad actually did the splits. His mates had to help him up.
After three or four village lads had done their turn, Phil walked into the center of the circle. The village lads looked like they were going to attack him, but Phil coolly rolled up his sleeves. He walked right round with his arm up.
Jo said, “What’s he doing? Has he got a death wish?”
Then Phil dropped down onto his haunches and started doing Cossack dancing.
Jo was clapping Phil on, shouting, “Woolfe, Woolfe!!!!”
What a hoot! I was having so much fun I had forgotten about the band. But then they stopped playing and left the stage. Cain nodded to the two girls he’d been talking to and they giggled and made their way backstage.
The blackhearted swine. I know what he’s up to.
Not that I care.
I could see Beverley had noticed what he was up to as well. And she was telling her sisters. There’s bound to be a fight sooner or later. Good. At least it won’t involve me.
I was so hot I staggered to a beanbag and flopped into it. I may never get out of it again. Ooooh, it was so nice to be in such a comfy big . . .
Charlie came and flopped down next to me. He said, “Cor.”
And I said, “I know.”
He smiled at me and lay back. He said, “This is the life. It’s like, well, it’s like . . .”
I said, “Sitting in a bag of beans?”
And he smiled back and said, “Exactly.”
He was about to say something else when Flossie came and crashed down next to us. I said, “Where’s Vaisey?”
And Flossie said, “Looking at Jack’s sticks, if you know what I mean.”
Ben came along, flopping his fringe, and stopped by Flossie. “Erm, would you like, would you like . . .”
And Flossie said, “Oh yes indeedy, I would like . . .” And she patted her beanbag.
Ben lowered himself down next to her. He seemed mesmerized by Flossie.
She looked over his shoulder and winked at me. Charlie saw the wink and he raised his eyebrows.
Then Seth came by, and as he did, Flossie pulled Ben towards her and kissed him.
Oh my God.
She was doing it. She was using Ben like a decoy duck. I mean decoy bat. She was doing her decoy bat tactics. I wondered if he was doing the bat tongue thing now.
Charlie said to me, “Ben’s fringe is bound to drop off.”
Seth had stopped and was looking down. Flossie stopped kissing Ben and looked up at Seth.
Ben didn’t look anywhere. He seemed to have gone into a coma. He had his eyes shut and he was in the same position as he had been when Flossie was kissing him. Seth laughed, pinched the bum of a girl who came over to him, and they went off together.
Flossie winked at me again and got up to go to the loo. Leaving Ben still sitting like a hypnotized floppy thing.
Charlie said, “Ah, is this some kind of girl plan?”
I said, “Noooooo.”
Charlie said, “Oh God, it is a girl plan. Flossie likes Seth and Ben is her twit in a beanbag.”
How did he know that?
Charlie said, “You’re all naughty minxes. If it wasn’t for the pull of your knees, I might storm off.”
I said, “Oh, don’t be cross because, well, don’t be.”
Charlie stretched back. “OK then, I’ll give you a chance. But only because I like you.”
Gosh, he made me feel all melty. And he did his lovely curly half smile. I started making up a little rap song in my head about him, it went:
I’m a shrew
A shrew for you
I’m not in a funk
It’s just that you are such a hunk.
Oh blimey
You’re so finey
Pity you have a girl who’s tiny.
Rastafari
Aye.
He said, “You’re thinking, aren’t you? I can always tell when you’re thinking. So what are you thinking?”
I was thinking, Don’t mention the shrew thing. I said, “I was just thinking that some people can be, you know, tiny-ist.”
Charlie looked puzzled and amused at the same time. “Neither of us know what you’re talking about, do we?”
Then the band came back on and everyone went to the front of the hall. Charlie got up and said, “In a bit, crazy girl.” And headed off into the crowd.
Well, I think if it’s possible to change a quite good situation into a really useless one in one sentence, I have cornered the market.
Tiny-ist.
I had said tiny-ist.
Naughty bumberskite
I JOINED THE OTHERS on the dance floor.
Cain was pacing about onstage as the band played a backbeat. He came to the microphone and said quietly into it, “This one’s for someone who hasn’t bin that well. She knows who she is. You might all know who she is.”
And he deliberately looked across at the Bottomlys. Beverley was half smiling.
Cain said, “Yeah, it’s called ‘Do You Miss Me—It’s Not Mutual.’” And Seth and Ruben and Cain looked at each other and laughed. They are animals.
Vaisey shouted to me, “Jack said this one’s about Beverley Bottomly and Jack said to Cain don’t do it because she might kick off again.”
The Bottomlys were all huddling round Beverley.
I couldn’t see Charlie anywhere. So the Tree Sisters and me went and joined in the dancing circle.
Charlie came back and joined in, just opposite me. He smiled and gave me a thumbs-up. I soon forgot about the tiny-ist fiasco.
Vaisey did a spontaneous tribute dance when Jack did a drum solo. Then Jack stood up and bowed to her. Sweet. And when the band rocked into “Get Your Coat On, Girl, You’re Leaving,” Charlie and Phil leapt into the middle and started doing the twist.
Charlie shouted to me mid-twist, “Lullah, please, for me, for old times’ sake. Do the unusual dancing.”
The whole circle was chanting, “Lullah! Lullah!”
Oh no.
Oh yes.
I couldn’t help myself; the excitement got the better of me. And I started hiddly diddlying before I knew what I was up to. My legs carried me into the center of the ring and I did my bestiest Irish dancing.
It reminded me of when I was a little girl and my grandparents put me up on the dining room table to do Irish dancing for everyone. And Grandma said, “Oh, she’s so talented.” And then Granddad said, “Those are not normal legs,” and then there was crying. And fighting.
When the song finished, Cain shouted over the microphone, “That’s it. I’ve had enough. That
’s yer lot.” And he kicked over Jack’s drum kit.
Vaisey was beside herself. “He’s kicked over Jack’s drum kit.”
The whole audience went mad, chanting, “One more song, one more song.”
Bob scurried around onstage rebuilding the drum kit. The crowd wouldn’t go home and kept chanting and eventually Cain came back to the microphone and said, “Awreet, this is the last one, and it’s a slow one so you can all cop off to it.”
Oh, he’s so crude.
“It’s called ‘I’m Your Darkest Nightmare but It’s Me You Want.’”
Jack began a really menacing drumbeat. Vaisey whispered to me, “He’s using his lucky sticks.”
Seth cranked out a jagged bass line and Cain growled out the lyrics with the mike right up against his mouth.
Bad luck and trouble
Are my middle name
If you were me, you would be the same
Hey now, baby, why dun’t you come with me
I want to show you how very bad I can be.
It was so weird and intense. I know what he’s talking about. He’s talking about that kiss on the moors. In public.
I felt hot all over and stepped back so that I could hide behind the Tree Sisters and almost fell into Charlie. He said, “Want to dance with me, Lullah?”
I said, “I don’t think I could manage any more leaping.”
Charlie smiled his lovely Charlie smile and said, “No, a proper dance with me.”
And he put my arms up round his neck. And he put his arms round my waist. I couldn’t help thinking about the hands on the bottom thing I had talked to Vaisey about. But his hands felt nice on my back. And they seemed to be in the right position. And we danced.
He felt all lovely and warm against me. I could feel him breathing. And it was sort of magic as we drifted around in a slow circle. To the weird, slow singing of Cain. I’d never done slow dancing with a boy before.
I must have had my eyes closed because I suddenly opened them to find I was facing the stage and Cain was looking directly at me. His dark eyes looked so angry and mean as he sang.