Just then, Dr. Lightowler popped her beak round the door and began to watch.
At the end she said, “Excellent, Vaisey. Your performance has depth and pathos and your singing is a delight. And Tallulah . . . well, what can I say that I haven’t said before?”
And she looked unblinkingly at me.
At least she wasn’t winking.
As she went out, I shouted, “Oh yeah, Beaky. Wait till you hear my rap.”
Actually, I didn’t shout that because I didn’t want my head pecked off. But Vaisey thought I was brilliant. She said, “I think this is gonna be great, Lullah. Nobody’s ever going to forget this performance.”
When the other Tree Sisters went to singing practice, I went to sit in a lavatory by myself just for a little break from having Northern grit. But I couldn’t even get in the loo because there was a notice from Bob on it.
Listen up, dudes.
Appliance out of action.
Bad scene with a vole.
On it.
Bob
(The Iron Pies’ next gig’s in Follyfoot. Be there. Or not be there.)
By Wednesday the Tree Sisters were all getting very bad boy-withdrawal. No one has heard anything from the Woolfe boys since the gig. They haven’t appeared at our Special Tree.
I’m a bit worried that Charlie has said horrid things about me to the other lads. I don’t think he would because he’s so nice. But he was very mad.
At lunchtime, I found Jo snogging a mirror in the loos.
I said, “Now you’re being extra weird.”
Jo said, “Am I? Am I? Well, you snog me then.”
I said, “What are you talking about?”
She looked at me. “If you were a Samaritan and I was starving, would you pass by on the other side of the road?”
“Er, no . . . but you’re not starving and . . .”
She said, “It’s the same thing. Snogging is as essential as food. I’ve got snogging withdrawal. It’s like I had a big fat snog meal on Saturday, and then I’ve not even had a snog snack since. So why is it so very hard for you to snog me in my hour of need?”
I couldn’t say anything. I could only look at her in amazement.
She stormed out. “Right, if you won’t help me, it’ll have to be teddy.”
Who’s Teddy?
When I got in to college on Thursday, Vaisey was on the front doorstep hopping and bobbling around in a frenzy of curls. “Look, Lullah, look!” And she held out a piece of paper. “It’s a note from Jack. He left it under our Special Tree.”
I felt a bit apprehensive. “Did he, erm, say anything about Charlie, or, or me or anything?”
Vaisey’s note was mostly drawings of fingering positions on guitar frets. She kissed the letter. “Isn’t it romantic?”
Then Jo burst through the door with her teddy. She said, “Have you met my new boyfriend? He’s called Little Ted.”
This is turning into a theatrical lunatic asylum. It’s horrid having Charlie not liking me. I don’t think I can bear it. If only he would talk to me.
And it’s all because of Cain. Who couldn’t care less about me—he just likes making trouble for people. He said those things about the kissing just to humiliate me. In a way I suppose he must hate me as well. And Dr. Lightowler certainly one thousand percent and a half hates me.
What makes me especially hateful?
It reminds me of that song that Cain sang at the gig. What did he say?
Bad luck and trouble
Are my only friends.
I’ve been down since I began to crawl
If it wasn’t for bad luck,
I wouldn’t have no luck at all.
That’s me. My life is over.
At afternoon break, Gudrun bobbed into Monty’s reading forum and said, “Vaisey, Jo, Flossie, and Lullah, there’s a telephone call for you, in Sidone’s office.”
What?
Flossie said, “Ah, it’ll be Hollywood calling, dahlings; they’ve heard about my tights juggling.”
Sidone was on the phone when we went in. Wearing a feather boa. She was talking to someone and saying, “Darling, darling, they’re here. Give my regards to Tinseltown. Ciao!” She cradled the receiver to her bosom. “It’s our golden girl, Honey, calling!”
Flossie reached for the phone and said, “It is Hollywood calling!”
Sidone was gripping on to it. “We’ve had a lovely chat. So many memories came rushing back. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that I had a small part in 2001: A Space Odyssey. I was flown over for the filming and I remember I had my fur bikini made at a costumier in downtown Hollywood. Now what was the name . . . ?”
We all stared at her, thinking, Come on, give us the bloody phone!!!
At last she handed it over and we all put our ears near.
We heard Honey’s voice, “Itth me!!!!”
Sidone said, “You’ve got all break to speak to the dear girl. I’ll be back after.”
We all shouted down the phone at the same time.
“We love you!”
“I miss you.”
“Is it hot?”
“Phil broke into the dorm and fell through the potting shed.”
“Bob’s joined The Iron Pies!”
“Dr. Lightowler hates me!”
“Seth snogged me!”
Until, in a pause, we hear her say, “Thpeak thloly! And one at a time tho I can hear you.”
Flossie shoved us aside and grabbed the phone. She said, “Seth snogged me! Do you remember the Hinchcliffs? And Lullah let Cain snog her. On the moors!”
We could hear Honey laughing as we crowded near the receiver.
“I have my vewy own thervant boy. He getth me things. Itth nithe.”
Jo said, “What, is he sort of like Bob?”
Honey giggled. “Ith Bob weawing thpeedos?”
Urgh, what a thought!
She told us about her screen tests, and that she has a little part in a film called Madame Gigi’s School of Love. She’s having such a great time. It seems a long way from playing Merrylegs at falling-down Dother Hall.
Her film is about Madame Gigi teaching about boys and how to get what you want from them. And how to teach them to snog properly. And how to train boys. Wow.
She said, “The good thing ith, itth only a film, but it weally workth. I have thwee boyfwends awready on the go and they’re coming along nithely. One’th got blond hair, he’th a thurfer, one’th got dark hair, he’th a muthician, and one’th ginger.”
I said, “Is he a biscuit?” Which made her laugh.
Vaisey said, “So what’s Madame Gigi’s best advice?”
Then the bell rang for the end of break. Jo said, “Yeah, quick, give us one thing.”
Honey was quiet. Then she lisped, “The motht impowtant thing with boyth ith to tell the twuth about what you want.”
Blimey.
That’s great advice, except if I tell the truth about what I want, I don’t get it. Also I don’t know what the truth is. Or who to tell it to.
Sidone came back then to tell us time was up.
We said good-bye and Honey said, “Itth lovely here and evewyone ith lovely, but I mith my Twee Thithteth more than anything.”
We all had a little bit of a cry then.
Back in my squirrel room that night. I told Dibdobs I was studying The Taming of the Shrew for homework and went to bed early.
I was wondering about what Honey said about telling boys what you want. Is it really all right to do that? And what if they say no?
There was a knocking at the bottom of my door.
Oh no.
A little voice said, “Ug oo.”
The lunatic twins.
Ah well, in their own strange boy way they do seem to love me. I went to the door and opened it. There they were, sucking on their dodies with their tortoises under their arms.
Dibdobs came bobbing along from the boys’ room. “Helllloooooo, Lullah, the boys and Micky and Dicky wanted to say nighty-night.”
I said nighty-night and shut my door as they went off to their bedroom. I could hear her explaining things to the boys. “Lullah has to go to beddy-byes now because she’s doing a play at big school.”
Sam said, “Big pool.”
Dibdobs was chattering on. “Yes, it’s called The Taming of the Shrew. That’s a funny name, isn’t it, boys? Can you say The Taming of the Shrew?”
Max said, “Tamin’ of the shoe.”
Dibdobs laughed. “No, darling, it’s a SHREW.”
Sam shouted, “It’s a SHOE!!!!!”
When I had my breakfast the next day, Dibdobs looked a bit tired. The twins came in and looked at me and then handed me a shoe box. Max said, “SHOE house.”
Dibdobs shouted, “Boys, boys, I’ve explained to you a lot, haven’t I? It’s not a shoe, it’s a SHREW.”
Max and Sam nodded and repeated, “Not a shoe, it’s a SHOE!!!”
Should I put nail varnish on my hoofs?
PERFORMANCE LUNCHTIME DAY. STILL no news about Charlie. Ah well. That’s it. It’s been a week; he does officially hate me.
Perhaps if I see him in Heckmondwhite over the weekend, I could explain things to him. I don’t know how, as I can’t even explain things to me.
And I’m me.
There’s been no sign of Cain either.
Maybe he just hides in the moors and only comes out when he knows he has an opportunity to ruin my life.
Like, if I do see Charlie in the village, Cain will say, “Still following me abaht, are you?”
At midday, everyone doing the lunchtime performance went to the main hall to get ready. Backstage was full of excited mad girls all looking forward to the performance.
Apart from me.
You know when something is so terrible that you think it can’t be true and won’t ever happen? That’s what a performance assessment is like when you’re wearing homemade horse legs. Which are actually stuffed tights. And have papier-mâché hoofs stuck on the end. And you’ve got false furry ears on.
If ever there was a time for Northern grit, this was it. Anyway the worst has already happened to me. I said to Vaisey and the girls backstage, “Oh well, as James Bond said, ‘You only die once.’”
Flossie said, “Er, I think you’ll find he said, ‘You only live twice.’”
Vaisey said, “I can hear men’s voices.”
Oh God, Monty must have asked Biffo and Sprogsy along. Better and better.
Sidone came backstage to see us. She was wearing a tiara and a lot of makeup. She was thrilled. “Girls, my girls, I’ve just come back to say ‘break a leg’ to you all. Well, in Vaisey’s and Tallulah’s case, I should say ‘legs.’”
She tinkled with laughter. She hadn’t finished, though. “As a special surprise, I’ve asked the headmaster of Woolfe Academy to join us with some guests for our show. He is most keen on the arts and is talking of perhaps investing in Dother Hall. He thinks that girls have a civilizing effect on his boys.”
Flossie snorted after she’d gone. “Why would we want to have a civilizing effect on boys?? I want them goddam young men to go ape wild!!!”
Jo looked through a slit in the curtains and said, “Oh my God, all of Woolfe Academy are here.”
It couldn’t be true!
I said, “No, no, nooooooo. . . . Can you see Charlie?”
Jo said, “Yeah and Phil and Ben too and there’s Jack, Vaisey, right at the front . . .”
I said to Vaisey, “Did you know about this?”
She looked ashen-faced.
“No, no, I didn’t. I . . . Jack didn’t say anything about it in his note. He just said he’d learned a new fret sequence. Oh, Lullah, I can’t go on. I’m not going on, not in these legs and doing the horsey dancing and everything . . . I can’t. We’ve only got to Number Five on your Lululuuuve List. I’ll have to pretend I’m sick. I AM sick. Let’s say we’re sick.”
She was trembling all over.
I said, “Sidone’s just seen us. She’ll know we’re not sick.”
Vaisey said, “Well, I’m not doing it.” And she started taking off her false ears.
Jo said, “Oh, come on, Vaisey, put your ears back on. We’re pros, darling. The show must go on.”
I said, “It’s all very well for you, you’re just singing and swanning about.”
Jo said, “Yeah, I know. Have I got enough lipstick on?”
I said, “I don’t know. Should I have put nail varnish on my hooves???”
I think I was about to have a hysterical fit.
Flossie said, “Well, I’m juggling my tights, you know.”
Vaisey was shaking her head from side to side, moaning, “I can’t. I just can’t. I want him to think I’m pretty and—”
Flossie said, “AND you’ll fail your assessment if you don’t.”
Vaisey looked like she was about to cry.
It’s different for me. I haven’t any pride left. Shame, after all, is my middle name. But Vaisey will feel terrible if she fails.
I made a decision. I put one of my front legs round her shoulder and said, “Look, little pal, Jack will like you whatever you do so . . . come on. Let’s do this for Black Beauty and Merrylegs and friendship.”
Jo said, “Would you go out there, Lullah, in front of Charlie and all the lads? Really?”
I said, “Yeah . . . so what if Charlie’s here? He hates me anyway. But there are people out there waiting to see us. People who love the theater, people who we let our feet bleed for. People who are waiting to give us our golden slippers of applause . . .”
Vaisey gripped my hoof and Jo said, “When you get the golden slippers of applause, don’t forget to ask for four . . . each.”
Vaisey put her ears back on. “Lullah, we’ll do it for each other!”
Flossie and Jo clapped us on the back.
We were on fourth after Honsy and Natasha. The Black Beauty music began and Sidone announced, “Tallulah and Vaisey bring us the joy and sadness of a two-horse friendship.”
It was the longest five minutes of my life.
We trotted on lightly as foals, we nuzzled, we jumped, we pulled toy carts about, I strummed on a guitar, and Black Beauty played the harmonica as I sang my rap song. Finally and slowly I died in Black Beauty’s legs.
I died to the sound of gales of laughter.
Backstage, Vaisey gave me a big hug and said, “You are truly a great pal. I never would’ve done that without you and now I feel so good. People really liked it, didn’t they? They clapped, didn’t they? It was a shame they laughed when you died, though. Maybe they thought you were just pretending?”
Flossie said, “Mr. Barraclough had to be helped out he was laughing so much.”
When I’d taken my legs and ears off, I thought I’d just go off quietly and see if I could creep away down the lane, go home, and get immediately into my bed. Forever.
No one would notice me leaving because everyone was too busy flirting with everyone else; the boys of Woolfe Academy were everywhere, talking to the girls; Sidone was flirting with Hoppy the headmaster, so was Monty; and Blaise had cornered some terrified little bloke in a tracksuit.
The worst thing was knowing that Charlie had seen me. If he didn’t already think I was an out-and-out twit of the first water, he would now.
Vaisey had ripped off her legs and went to find Jack, and Jo didn’t even bother to go round the back of the hall. She just went through the curtains and leapt off the stage onto Phil’s lap.
I crept down the back corridor and got my coat from the cloakroom without bumping into anyone. Oh, I was miserable.
I mean, it’s nice to make people laugh, but is that all I can do?
I stepped outside. Oh good, it was raining. As I put my coat collar up, I heard someone say, “Lullah, that was . . . that was, well, I don’t know what that was, but it was a gem!”
Charlie was there in the doorway.
I couldn’t bear any more of being the fool. But it wasn’t Charlie’s fault. And also it was
nice that he wasn’t being mean to me after what had happened. He smiled at me. So I tried to smile at him a bit. I couldn’t get any words out, but I managed the smile.
He said, “Where are you going?”
I gulped and said in a cheery voice, “Oh, I’ve just got a bit of foraging to do at . . . home.”
Charlie said, “Are you upset, Tallulah?”
I said, “No.”
He went on. “Vaisey said you didn’t know we were all going to be here, and that you didn’t want to look stupid, but that you did it for her.”
I felt my eyes fill with tears.
He cleared his throat and said, “This is becoming a bit of a theme, isn’t it, between me and you? Me being a prat and having to apologize.”
What did he mean? Was he apologizing for laughing at me?
I said, “Well, you know, I suppose a horse doing a rap song is quite funny really.”
Charlie laughed again and said, “Well, it’s more than funny, it’s . . . but that’s not what I mean. I mean about the other night at the gig. Kicking off about you and Cain. When it’s none of my business.”
I said, “I . . . well . . . he . . .”
Charlie went on. “Lullah, you don’t have to say anything. I had no right to do it. And I’m sorry. And the Cain thing, I mean, that’s your business. I just don’t think he’s a nice guy and I didn’t want him to be mean to you. And in public as well. That’s all. So I’m sorry for being a prat. You can kick me with your hoof if you like.”
I looked at him.
He said, “Go on, you might like it.”
I kicked his ankle and I smiled.
He said, “By the way, keep rapping. I think you’ve got a nice voice. Maybe ease up on the Rastafarian vibe, though.”
He looked like he was about to say something else, but then he spotted a prefect coming his way and had to go back in.
I’m so happy that we’re friends again. In fact, I made up a little spontaneous song. Charlie said I had a nice voice. Maybe I’ll become a singer-songwriter. My song is called “Charlie” and it goes like this:
He likes me
He likes me
He really, really likes me.
Yarooooooooooooooooooooooo.