I roll over on my side, bending my arm up, so I can prop my hand on my head. I look up at Nat and smile, “I think so too and I’m trying to keep from worrying about the what ifs.”
“Good. Now back to your original question, Bobby has been great. He took me out last night and we just sat at the restaurant and talked. It’s so weird to realize how much stuff we didn’t know about one another.”
I feel my heart swell as I listen to the happiness saturate Nat’s words. Her face lights up every time she says his name and it makes me think about how I feel when I say Trey’s name, or when I think of Trey. This is what seventeen is supposed to be like I realize, boys, my best friend, painting toe nails, and just living. I try to soak it in like a dry sponge seeking out any tiny drop of water. I want to hold on to this feeling for as long as possible, to treasure it for the gift that it is.
“Why aren’t you with Trey today?” Nat asks me.
“I actually haven’t seen him since Friday. He’s had to work and help his grandmother with some stuff. I don’t want him to think that I need to spend every waking moment with him. He’s been texting me and that’s been nice.”
“So, what do you want to do today besides listen to me ramble on about my emerging love life?” She flutters her eyelashes at me dramatically.
“I want to visit Candy; I haven’t seen her since Thursday. You want to come?”
“Sure, but then afterward we are going shopping.”
I narrow my eyes at her, “Shopping for what?”
She lets out an exasperated sigh, “Tally please tell me you haven’t totally forgotten about the upcoming Fall Ball?”
“Oh yeah, the dance,” I say, attempting to seem totally oblivious to it. “Are you sure I should just assume that Trey and I are going?”
“Oh please, even if he doesn’t ask you, you’re still going.” Nat raises an eyebrow, giving me her just try me look.
“Why would I go without him?” I ask her.
“Because, it’s your senior year and you will be going to every dance we have. You have to make memories Tal, memories that you can smile about.”
I can see that she means well. She just wants me to be happy, like Candy. She wants me to experience life.
“Don’t argue with me Tally,” she continues, “just accept that as long as I am here you will be doing things that you might not want to, but that are for your own good.”
“Yes mother,” I say, dryly.
“Yeah, well someone needs to be.” She snaps.
“You done?”
“For now.”
I roll my eyes at her as I stand up. “Good, let’s go.”
~
As we’re walking into Mercy, I feel my back pocket vibrate. I pull my phone out and look down to see a text alert.
Trey: How r u?
Will I try and pretend my face didn’t just break into some stupid grin? Absolutely, but the proof is in the pudding.
Me: Good, about to visit Candy.
It’s several minutes before he responds and just before we reach Candy’s room, he finally does.
Trey: Call me if u need me.
Oookay, I think to myself, that wasn’t really the response I was expecting. I just shrug it off.
Me: K
I tuck it back in my pocket and then knock on Candy’s closed door.
“What?” I hear her snap from behind the door.
Nat looks at me and I shake my head. “She’s always like that.”
“Candy, it’s Tally and Natalie, can we come in?”
I hear rustling and then the door opens.
She looks so very tired. Her eyes are sunken in and her lips drawn tight across her face. Her usually quick movements are now sluggish, and seem to take an enormous amount of effort for her.
“Candy are you alright? Don’t tell me no, because it’s obvious something is wrong.”
“If it’s obvious, then why bother to ask?” She asks flatly.
“Because, it’s not like you are going to offer the information up willingly.” I point out.
“I’ve had a little cold, it’s nothing to get your panties in a wad about.”
I watch her as she sits on her bed and I honestly wonder how she is going to push herself back against the headboard. She seems so weak, but she manages it, although, she is short of breath afterwards. Natalie glances at me and I see the same worry in her eyes that I know is in my own.
“It’s good to see you Candy,” Nat tells her and I believe she genuinely means it. I think that Nat’s fondness of Candy stems from the fact that Candy was there for me all summer.
Candy nods at Natalie, but doesn’t respond. We stand there in front of her bed simply looking at her and it’s the first time I can ever remember feeling awkward in front of her.
“Brat,” she looks up at me. “Go get us some cards or something. You two just standing there staring at me is making me feel like a cockroach you’ve stepped on and are waiting for its legs to stop kicking so you can grab it and throw it out.”
“Feeling descriptive today I see,” I say, as I head for the door.
“I didn’t ask for a running commentary on my behavior. Go get the damn cards.” She growls at me.
This I can take. Candy, growling and snapping means that she’s all right. Subdued, quiet Candy scares me.
Natalie stays while I head towards the rec room to grab a deck of cards. As I enter the room, I see Trey’s mom sitting over in her usual spot. She, like Candy, seems to be withering away. The bright eyes that had glimmered at me with anger, weeks ago, were now foggy and lost.
I grab one of the decks from the table, and then walk over to where she is sitting. I take the seat right next to her and sit silently for a moment waiting to see if she will acknowledge me.
When she doesn’t, I finally speak. “Hi Mrs. Swift,” I say softly.
She continues to stare straight ahead, totally oblivious to my presence.
I try again, “Trey tells me you’re having a rough time.”
It has to be the sound of his name that makes her respond. She slowly turns her head to look at me and there is a flash of recognition.
“Trey,” she whispers, and her voice is dry and scratchy as if it had been a long time since her last drink of water.
“I’m Tally, do you remember me?”
She stares and I think she is trying to place me.
“You came back to him,” she murmurs. “I told him you would.”
Her words surprise me.
“Yes, he can be quite persuasive when he wants to be.” I smile warmly.
“He deserves to be happy,” She tells me, and then suddenly growls. “NO, I will not say such a thing.”
I realize that she isn’t speaking to me, but to someone that I cannot see, and based on how her body begins to shake, whoever that someone is terrifies her.
“Are you alright Mrs. Swift? Do I need to get the nurse?” I ask her as I lean forward and place my hand on the one she has resting on her lap. It is fisted and she is squeezing it so tight that her knuckles have turned white.
“There is no help for me child. No one can help me.” Her eyes meet mine and I steel myself against the sickness I see there. “They are determined to have me, and I’m tired of fighting.”
I feel a ripple of fear slide down my spine. “Lolotea, please keep trying. Trey needs you here, with him.”
I wait for her to respond but her eyes have once again fogged over and she has retreated back inside. I sit there a moment longer and gently squeeze her hand. As I stand and begin to walk away, I hear a soft voice, “It’s you he needs now.”
I glance back at her, but she doesn’t appear to have moved.
“Did you have to go to the manufacturer to get the freaking cards?” Candy gripes, as I walk back into her room.
“I saw Trey’s mom and sat to talk with her a moment.” I tell her as I grab the only chair in the room and scoot it closer to the bed. I motion for Nat to take the chair and I climb up
on the bed next to Candy.
“Her clock is ticking,” Candy mutters.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“There are some who just can’t be helped Tally. I’ve seen it. Some with schizophrenia just don’t respond to any treatment and they just get worse over time.”
“Are you saying she is going to die?” Nat’s eyes are wide.
“Yes, but not from natural causes. They have her on suicide watch, especially at night.”
“What does that mean?” Natalie asks.
“It means that she has to have someone with her at all times.” I explain.
“Trey never mentioned it.”
“It just started.”
Candy deals out the cards to us and we play rummy, the only card game I know besides slap jack.
“No cheating Candy,” I warn.
“Psht, are you kidding? Like I would ever cheat.”
“Liars go to hell, you know that right?” Natalie teases.
“I’m going to hell Natalie, but not because of lying.”
I can’t tell if she meant it to be funny, just one of her off handed statements, but something in the tone of her voice suggests it was more than that.
I spend the rest of our time trying to goad Candy into our usual easy banter, but no matter how many times she responds to me, it’s never quite as light as it used to be.
Seven hands of rummy, four arguments, and two cussing fits by Candy later, Nat and I decide we need to be going if we are going to get some shopping in.
“We’re going to look at dresses for the Fall Ball,” Nat tells her.
“Well, make sure you buy a dress that’s just south of my garage is open, but just north of the lights are on.”
“What does that even mean?” Natalie asks.
“Don’t ask,” I tell her.
I tell Candy bye, no hugs. Candy doesn’t do hugs, and we leave.
“She looks anything but alright,” Natalie, says what I’ve been thinking.
“Agreed, but she’s not about to admit there is something wrong.”
~
“Would you say this dress fits Candy’s description?” Nat asks me as she turns in the mirror, looking this way and that. The dress is hot pink and looks great against her tan skin. It comes to the middle of her thigh and the top is a halter with a back that opens to just below the shoulder blades. The dress bunches in strategically placed intervals from the bust all the way to the hem. It does awesome things for her figure.
“At this point Nat I don’t care if the dress screams take me now right here on this floor. We’ve been at this for hours and you’ve tried on every dress in five different stores. Buy one already.” I groan as I sit on the chairs provided outside the dressing room. My own dress lay next to me on the adjoining chair. I had decided on a black sheath dress that hit about three inches above my knees. It is off the shoulders with a shear peace of floral lace wrapping around the top. The lace continues down covering the nude satin material underneath, and of course I added a pair of long black gloves to cover my self-decorated arms.
“I want it to be perfect,” she pouts.
“Bobby thinks you’re beautiful already, a dress isn’t going to affect that.”
“Maybe not, but it will make him drool.” She winks at me, and after looking at herself one, more time in the mirror, she nods, “This is the one.”
“Finally,” I mouth, silently.
~
“What are you guys doing home?” I ask my parents, as I walk in the door, dress in hand, from my day of shopping with Natalie.
“We decided not to go to the dinner,” my mom tells me.
“Oh,” I don’t really know what else to say. I stand there staring at her, unsure if I should keep going on up to my room or say something more.
“What did you buy?” She asks me.
I motion towards the dress, “A dress for the Fall Ball, Nat made me.” I find myself smiling and my mom smiles back at me.
“Can I see it?” I see the hopefulness in her eyes, and decide if she’s going to try, then I should as well.
“Sure.” She follows me up to my room and I hang the dress on my closet door and unzip the bag that it is enclosed in.
Her mouth opens and then closes. She stares at it silently for several minutes and then finally speaks. “It’s beautiful, very classy.”
I find that I’m happy about her approval, and I feel a tightening in my chest. “Thank you.”
“Is Trey taking you?”
“Well, he hasn’t exactly asked yet,” I say, somewhat sheepishly.
She nods and smiles, “He will.”
“He wants to meet you and dad,” I tell her impulsively. I had never intended to really push the issue, but for some reason I just blurt it out.
“We would like to meet him as well. I’m pretty sure your father and I have Wednesday night free, would you like to see if he can come for dinner that evening?”
“Sure, that would be good.”
She smiles again before leaving.
It’s nearly ten o’clock when I finally hear from Trey.
“Hey,” I say as I answer the phone.
“Hi,” his deep voice rumbles through the phone and I realize that I have missed hearing it. We haven’t talked since Friday, and I am almost thirsty for the sound of him.
“How was your day?” He asks me, and he seems almost cautious, as if he’s afraid of what I might say.
“It was good. Nat and I went and saw Candy, and then went shopping.”
“What did you go shopping for?” I notice that he doesn’t ask me how Candy is, but then I’m distracted by what I should tell him. If I tell him I bought a dress for the dance then he will think that I assume he is taking me; which I guess I am. If I don’t tell him, then I am essentially lying to him and I really don’t want to start that up again. So the truth, no matter how embarrassing is what it will be.
“Dresses,” I say, vaguely. Hey, it’s the truth, he didn’t ask for details so until then, we will go with only need–to–know information.
“Is it for a special occasion, or did you just fancy yourself a new dress?” I hear humor in his voice and for some reason I have a feeling he knows exactly why I went dress shopping.
“Did you just say fancy?” I laugh.
“You’re dodging the question baby. What is the dress for?” He asks again.
I inwardly groan as I launch into my tale. “Nat was insistent that we go buy dresses for the upcoming Fall Ball. I told her that I didn’t even know if I am going, but she wasn’t taking no for an answer, so I just gave in.”
“Why wouldn’t we go?” He asks
I pause. He said we, as in, he and I. I do my inner victory dance and fight a smile.
“You hadn’t mentioned it and I didn’t want to just assume that you were taking me,” I tell him, even though I obviously had assumed. Proof of said assumption currently hung on my closet door.
“Give a man time Baker,” the low hum of his voice sends my insides into a flutter and my stomach tightens.
“I wasn’t planning on going dress shopping Swift, it was Natalie’s idea and once she gets an idea in her head, as sure as the sun rises every day, she is going to get her way.”
He laughs, and damn if that laugh doesn’t make me want to crawl through the phone and plant a deep kiss on his luscious mouth.
“Tally, are you still there?” Now, his voice sounds slightly worried.
“Yeah, sorry I got side tracked.”
“By what?”
My face turns red and I’m so glad that he isn’t sitting right in front of me.
“Just a thought, it’s gone now.” Liar that little voice in the back of my mind sings.
“It’s late; I better let you get some sleep.”
I don’t want to get off the phone with him, but I know he’s right.
“Alright, thanks for calling.”
“You don’t have to thank me for that beautiful, it’s my privilege. I sh
ould be thanking you for answering.”
Well crap, what does a girl say to that?
Thankfully, I remember I needed to ask him a question. “Oh, Trey I forgot to ask you, my parents want to know if you can come over Wednesday for dinner.”
“Do you know what time?” He asks.
Want to know something sad? I have no idea what time my parents eat dinner. That’s how long it has been since we have eaten together. So, I’m just going to make up a time and hope that it works for my parents.
“Five o’clock,” I tell him.
He’s quiet for a moment and all I can hear is his soft, slow breathing. I assume that he is thinking so I don’t interrupt.
“I think that will work,” he tells me finally and I let out the breath I had been holding.
“Great, okay so I’ll see you in the morning.” I try and sound normal even though on the inside I’m begging for the night to go quickly, like a child on Christmas Eve wanting to blink and wake up to find it’s morning.
“Sleep well baby,” he says and then ends the call.
I want to ask him how? How can I sleep well when I’m worried about Candy and thinking about how much I want to be with him? How can I ever sleep good again when there is never a moment when my mind isn’t worried about something? My throat feels like it is closing up and I can’t get air in my lungs. Not again, please not now, I tell myself, as I try to calm down. I have to be okay. There is no other option. I cannot lose it, not now. I close my eyes and squeeze them shut, fighting tears. Dr. Stacey told me many times that stress causes the brain to use chemicals more quickly than the medicine can help the brain produce them and that, in turn, can cause depression to rear its ugly head. Panic attacks often accompany the depression Tally, I hear her voice in my mind. You will feel like you can’t breathe, your heart will race, and you might even think you are having a heart attack. Just keep breathing, think of something that brings you peace, and keep breathing.
I lie back on my bed and reach for him. His smile, his voice, and his gentle touch. Breathe. I think of the understanding I see in his eyes. Breathe. I latch on to every memory I have of him and drink them in, as though I may never have another drink again. Breathe. I feel air saturating my body and relax slightly. It’s enough and I keep breathing. A small victory has been made on this night, and I will take it. I don’t feel joy for the victory, but I’m alive and for tonight that is enough, it has to be.