He brushed a palm over his chin, the dark, coarse hairs making scratching sounds against his skin. His tired eyes sought out mine. “What?” he asked, a little harshly.
I forced myself not to wince. I reached for his phone, taking it from his resistant hands and putting it facedown on the table. “Take a nap,” I said.
He glared at me, shot a look at Nathan and then turned back to me. “We’ve got things to do.”
“Yes. Nathan and I have things to do. North needs to sleep.” I stood, tugging his arm. “Come on.”
Nathan backed up to let me lead North out of the kitchen.
When we got to the hallway, all the doors were closed. I headed to Nathan’s bedroom but caught the heavy scent of dust. It faded the moment we were inside the bedroom.
Odd. Was the air conditioner vent dusty in the hallway? It didn’t use to smell like that in there.
In the bedroom, I turned on the light. Nathan’s bed was a wreck of pillows, and the comforter was on the floor.
Silently, I picked up a pillow, fluffed it and placed it on the bed. “Lay down,” I said softly.
North scooped up the comforter, and then draped it across the bed.
He crawled over the bed, collapsing with a hard thud on top of the comforter. He stuffed an arm under the pillow, pressing the side of his face to it. “Just wake me up in a few minutes.”
“No,” I said, still in the same quiet voice. I was being very daring, given his grumpy mood, but I didn’t want him to think he’d have to get up anytime soon.
I closed the blinds tight and turned off the overhead light and the one in the closet. There was still a grayness to the room as some light trickled in between slats in the blinds, but it was dark enough.
His boots were still on. I sat at the foot of the bed and picked up his foot, tugging at the shoestring.
He lifted his leg and tugged it away from my hands. He got up on his elbow to glare at me. “I can take my own damn boots off.”
“I’ll do it,” I said quietly, not rising to his heated tone.
His glare continued, I stared back, trying to relax my face and not look as terrified as I felt on the inside. His dark eyes were wild. The shadows across his face made him look dangerous enough that he’d just have to bark at me and his words stab me through.
When it wasn’t enough to make him relent, I pouted. I didn’t want to make him feel helpless, but he was going to just pass out with his shoes on, and I wanted him to get good sleep in.
He frowned, but relaxed again, putting his head down and bringing his leg back.
I removed his boots, leaving his socks on. I knee-walked on the bed until I was sitting on his butt and tried to do the thing he had done to me last night, massaging his back along his spine.
He mumbled something, but then when I leaned in to check, his eyes were closed.
I massaged for a few more minutes, until I was sure I was hearing his steady breathing.
Finally. I was rather proud of myself for getting him to take a nap without a fight. Maybe I was getting the hang of him.
I breathed out slowly and eased myself off the bed as silently as I could. Tiptoeing, I left and closed the door.
Back in the kitchen, Nathan had a lower cabinet door open next to the stove. Pans scraped together as he shifted through them.
I hurried to him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. He paused in what he was doing to look up at me, an eyebrow up.
I held a finger to my lips. “Don’t wake him,” I said. “He just went to sleep.”
He made a face, easing the pot back down onto the shelf. “You need to eat,” he said quietly. “You just had blood drawn and you already have issues with blood pressure.” He closed the cabinet door and stood up, leaning against the stove and looked around. “I didn’t want to just heat up breakfast sandwiches...”
Silence fell between us. I needed to eat better, but breakfast sandwiches had protein, right? Would they be good enough?
When I started to say so, Nathan’s gaze changed. His blue eyes darkened. His cheeks reddened.
Something was wrong, and I didn’t understand what it was. Could it be about earlier, when he’d walked in? Did he consider what might have been happening?
Did it bother him to see even a hint of something going on between me and anyone else?
Yet when I wanted to ask him about it, I couldn’t think of what to say. Dr. Green had told me I should ask them how they felt instead of worrying about it internally, but the words slid away from my tongue quickly. It was a sensitive topic, and I didn’t want to prod him if he wasn’t ready to talk.
When would it be okay to talk about it? And how?
I stared at him for a moment, and considered there was no one else in the house outside of North, and he was asleep.
Life had been surprising. Who knew what Carol might do next? I couldn’t let moments like this slip by.
My lips twitched as I considered what to say.
He pressed his back against the counter, leaning his elbows on the granite, causing his strong arm muscles to flex. Those blue eyes took me in.
“Nathan,” I said softly, pressing my back to the opposite counter facing him.
I froze.
He blinked a few times, his head tilting back. “Sang,” he said.
Another long pause. It was painful. I desperately looked for words and I didn’t know what to ask him to figure out what he was thinking.
Why did I have to wait for him?
I leaned forward with the intent to go to him.
I made it a half step before he pushed himself off the counter and crossed the floor.
My breath caught, my eyes widened, surprised at his rush.
He was focused on my lips.
Nathan pressed his body against me until my back was once again touching the cool granite. His hands grabbed the counter on either side of me.
He bent his head and kissed me.
I closed my eyes, feeling the kiss. My heart raced. Surprise had me keeping still, and happy that he cared enough to kiss me. I relaxed my lips, and kissed him back.
His hands found my waist, and he held strong. As he kissed deeper, his hands dropped to my hips until he was lifting me up. I sat on the counter, my head tilting forward to keep kissing him.
He leaned in until my legs parted and he was pressing his stomach into me.
I held his shoulders, gripping his shirt in my fingers. Every kiss was desperate, and I didn’t even understand why it was, even from me. Not until I realized I hadn’t kissed him in a week. I’d been busy at camp, unable to see him. We had been sleeping near each other prior to that, and seeing each other every day.
My feelings scared me. What did it mean if a kiss with someone like Dr. Green was playful, while with Nathan, it was so intense? I’d missed Dr. Green, but the feelings I had for Nathan were completely different.
I was as desperate for him as he was for me.
After a few moments, Nathan drew back, creating only the tiniest space. His deep blue eyes bored into me when I tried to look at him. As he spoke, his lips traced mine.
“Why can’t you trust me?” he whispered, voice ragged.
I gripped his shoulders tighter in reaction as words caught in my throat. “Wh...I...”
He shook his head and lowered it until he was hugging me tight. His cheek pressed against my chest and heart.
He said nothing else, just held me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him against me. I pressed my lips to his head, kissing it lightly.
“I trust you,” I said, unsure what else to say.
He mumbled against my chest. His hot breath fell across the top of my breast. “The shower. You fainted. I didn’t know...you didn’t like them...”
I sucked in a heavy breath, breathing in the leathery cypress he often carried. The pads of my fingers gripped his shoulders as I held him to me.
I had feared this reaction after they found out.
“I was too embarrassed,”
I whispered, my voice cracking. “I thought something was wrong with me, but it wasn’t life-threatening. I could take baths...”
He turned his head until his face was smothered against the space between my breast and collarbone. His chest expanded as he breathed in deeply. “Victor knew.”
“Victor found out. I didn’t tell him.” I kissed the top of his head and held him tightly. “I’m sorry. I should have said something. Everything felt so chaotic so much of the time. But you heard Dr. Green. It may just be a stress point. It doesn’t really cause me to black out.”
He nodded against my chest, and the redness of his cheek and face lessened until I could see a line of freckles against his skin.
I sighed, holding on and pressing my lips against his head, like he and the others had done for me so many times when I was stressed out.
They were stressing out. North. Nathan. Who knew who else was breaking down and just needed someone to talk to?
Luke had said Kota used to do this. The heart of the team.
Kota was super busy helping me.
I had to step up and help out if this was ever going to work for us.
I pushed him gently until he was backed up enough that I could press my palms against his warm cheeks. I forced myself to look at him, at those blue eyes that asked so many silent questions.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said, the words pouring out from between my lips, and I didn’t give myself a chance to think about them. “I feel I stress you all out asking so much of you...”
“You don’t,” he started to say.
Reflexively, I covered his lips with my hand, the way they did so many times with me. He went silent, and I spoke again. “I’m going to do my best not to do that again. Because I’d rather tell you than anyone else.” I meant to say, “you all,” but I felt I needed to make this more about him than the others at the moment. But then I considered what I was saying and tried to fix it. “You’re all important to me. I need to be ready to hear what you all need from me, too.”
He pursed his lips against my hand and then reached for it, holding it. He kissed my palm before drawing it away from his mouth. “I just need to know what you want. What makes you happy...”
I stared at his eyes, unable to figure out what to say. My happiness? I had been trying to survive for so long, and ensure they were happy. “I’m happy when I’m with my team,” I said. “When I’m with you...” I paused because I couldn’t focus on the words, because those blue eyes distracted me so badly.
He reached for the back of my neck, drawing me in. He sucked in a breath and tugged me down slightly until he could kiss me.
Our kiss this time was lighter. The desperation gone, feelings out in the open. I felt there was so much to say, and yet how could I ever say it all?
My stomach growled, softly at first, then louder.
Nathan chuckled, breaking the kiss. He smiled for the first time since that morning. He lifted a hand to my stomach, rubbing it with his fingers. “We can get you breakfast.”
His intent was clear and at first I didn’t think anything of him touching my stomach. At first, it almost tickled.
Not until his fingers lowered to the space just below my belly button. I inhaled sharply through my nose, stiffening.
I gripped his shoulders.
He blinked at me, seeming confused, and his palm rested over my belly button. “Ticklish?”
I shook my head slowly. I didn’t know how to describe it. I tried to smile, although weakly. “Not exactly.”
He seemed puzzled, but not like before.
The sound of the front door opening caused me to stiffen. He stepped away from me, looking around where I was sitting on the counter. I twisted, looking behind my shoulder.
We both waited. Part of me anticipated his father, even if I knew he was far away. I was also disappointed, because I did want to tell Nathan everything I might have forgotten to tell him and to ask him about his feelings for me and so many other things. The interruptions weren’t going to stop for us.
I breathed out in relief when Luke appeared. He wore the same white shirt and jeans as earlier and had on flip-flops. His hair was tied back with one of my black hair clips. He’d made something like a bun, and smashed the clip on top so the black plastic was noticeable against the blond. He carried Bob’s Diner to-go bags, each filled to the top with paper containers.
He smiled impishly at the two of us, holding up the bags as if he was showing off a prize. “I managed to talk Uncle into making extra pancakes with chocolate chips inside.”
Nathan rolled his eyes, yet he smiled, the darkness in him fading. “I guess this time it’s okay. Just eat plenty of eggs and bacon.”
“You sound like North,” Luke said, rolling his eyes. He put the bags on the dining table and started taking out containers and a collection of plasticware and napkins.
I helped Luke organize everything, although I shared some glances with Nathan as we did.
It wouldn’t be long before I’d have to go back to Carol, and who knew how much time I’d get the next time I was allowed out?
Maybe I was selfish, but I felt I needed more time with each of them, not less. Not if I was going to make this work and make them happy.
Help
We each took one food container that Luke had brought. They all had the same things: pancakes, eggs, bacon, hash browns, and a small container of sliced bananas and strawberries.
We sat at the table together, with me in the middle. Nathan sat on my right, Luke to my left. Nathan tore off the lid to his container and did the same to mine so he could get them out of the way.
Luke put his fruit aside, digging into the pancakes first. Nathan dumped his fruit and Luke’s onto his own pancakes before topping it with syrup. I ate the fruit first, straight out of the container, to make sure I ate something healthy before I started on the chocolate chip pancakes.
I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until I took the first bite. The familiar pancakes and eggs were delicious after a week of packaged food and stress. I might have had dinner last night, but I was so tense that I didn’t even remember eating. After the initial hunger pangs started to fade, I slowed down, enjoying the luxury of being with them and satisfied at eating something so delicious.
I placed Victor’s iPhone in front of me and tapped my own heart app, finding cameras that showed me Carol. She was in the master bedroom. She dusted the carpet with what looked like baking soda. Afterwards, she vacuumed, slow and in W-shaped patterns.
Nathan sat to one side of me, eating the last of the eggs and pancakes I couldn’t finish from my takeout container. Occasionally, he leaned into me, trying to watch Carol, too.
Luke sat with arms folded over his stomach, watching the same screen.
Since they said nothing about doing this, I assumed they were just as curious about her as I was. Now that I’d slept and eaten, I was waiting, trying to figure her out.
What were her real motives?
Could I trust her at all?
She was meticulous and vacuumed the same W pattern, three times in the same spot, and then turned around and did it the opposite way. After several minutes, I was zoned out to it.
The bed in the room was made. Everything was dust-free, from what I could tell. She’d vacuumed the same room yesterday, hadn’t she? Why was she doing it again? When she left the room, she backed out of it, still vacuuming, until the carpet was all vacuum lines and no footprints.
She started on the hallway next. She ran the vacuum over the hardwood floor, although instead of the W shapes, she just followed the floorboards and then did an S pattern across the broader parts of the floor.
“I don’t understand,” I said. “It isn’t that dirty. A little dusty, maybe...”
“Some people like cleaning,” Nathan said, his breath near enough to my shoulder that I felt the warmth of it through the shirt.
The front door of Nathan’s house opened. When the others didn’t immediately jump
up in reaction, I could only assume it was one of the guys. I was barely aware of it, still staring at the screen when whoever it was came through the kitchen. I caught the spice scent, but my brain was still foggy enough that I didn’t make the connection to who it was. I just knew it was one of the guys, so I didn’t pull myself from staring.
He came up behind us, looking over our shoulders. “Did she do something?” Kota asked.
I blushed, wondering if Kota thought we were wasting time, and worried about the last time I had seen him and the fight they’d had about me. I reached for the phone, ready to turn off the signal. A tight ball started to form in my stomach and I avoided turning around to look at his face. “No,” I said. “She’s just cleaning.”
His hand darted in front of me, motioning to the screen. “No, keep watching,” he said. “It’s not a bad idea to get a look at her daily schedule here and what she does. It’ll be helpful.”
“Is it weird that I want to bring her to my house?” Luke said. “It would get clean in no time.”
Nathan reached around me, weaving his arm in front of Kota and chopping Luke on the back of the head. “Stop it.”
Luke angled away, rubbing at his scalp. “What? I’m just saying...”
Kota moved around the table, bringing along bags of groceries to put on the counter. At first, he didn’t look at me, but then he glanced up, in general, to the three of us. “More in the car. Figured we’d stock up here.”
“Uh...sure,” Nathan said, although his voice faltered. He looked at me and Luke. “Grab the rest? I have to show Kota something.”
I shared a curious look with Luke, but he genuinely seemed unaware of what was going on.
Bad timing, because I was hoping Kota would do something to show me I was still at least his friend, despite all that had happened. He’d talked to me on the phone, and I remembered how desperate he’d sounded. It was too easy to doubt after how I had upset him so much only yesterday.
I wanted to ask him, like Sean said.
Only now wasn’t the right time.
I went to the garage with Luke and stood by while he sorted bags out of the back of Kota’s car, parked inside.