I sighed, shaking my head. “I just can’t believe...it all happened so quickly.”
Kota reached for my hand, tugging at it until I sat beside him. “Are you okay? I know we kind of rushed it. It seemed crazy to me, too, but Mr. Blackbourne...he was convinced it would work.”
“I’m okay with what happened,” I said. “I just can’t believe...I mean, it is hard to think I might actually be out for good. I can’t imagine the favors it might cost for using Liam and Lily.”
“I don’t know for sure, either,” he said. “But I don’t think it will cost as much, with the way Mr. Blackbourne and Dr. Green planned it. This was way less complicated than our long-term plan. We’ll have to talk to an Academy council to go over the last couple of days.” He held on to my hand still and brushed his thumb over my knuckles. “I’m more concerned about you, though.”
“I’m glad to be out,” I said. “I don’t know what the plan is now, though. Do I stay here?”
“For now,” he said quietly. “For the week. If you want. If you’re comfortable...”
“And then what?”
He shrugged. The glasses slipped down his nose a little and he adjusted them. “I think we’ll try having you spend the night with the others off and on. For now. I know that’s a little unstable. We can also use the trailer at the diner now, too. But if you prefer to stay in one place...”
I shook my head. “I’m okay,” I said. “I don’t mind going to different places.” I meant it. Any place was better.
He bit his lower lip. “You can always stay here. I could tell Erica.”
I wanted to reassure him again that it didn’t matter where I stayed, until I realized I sounded dismissive of the idea of staying with him.
I squeezed his hand gently, trying to sound very sincere. “Kota,” I said quietly. “I’m very happy that my first week away from that house, I’m here with you. I hope I haven’t ruined your birthday.”
A wide smile broke on his lips. “Sang...I...wanted you out. I got what I wanted. I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon, and now it’s just here. Best day of my life.”
The whole thing was surreal. I’d gotten what I wanted, and he’d wanted the same. They all had. It was a moment in time. One minute my heart was so low, so broken from all the doubt and fear about my future. I worried about them all spending so much time watching me, waiting months...
And suddenly here I was.
Who would have thought the one person to help free me was the one person who had trapped me for so long? My stepmother, as much as I feared her, and as much as the thought of her still made my throat close up and my body start to shake...she had saved me.
While I still had to be concerned with the few loose ends left from my past, and to handle what happened, maybe I was finally out, at least. I had my Academy team to thank for it.
Now I could focus on the things Mr. Blackbourne had said I should. Getting healthy, and I vowed to be good about it. To eat right and sleep well. I wouldn’t dare give the Academy a reason to doubt that staying with the guys was anything but good for me, and for them.
I considered what I’d say next, and when I was sure, I simply said it. “About going to talk to Lily. You mentioned I could bring someone with me. I know it’s strange to bring up now, but...will you go with me?”
His hand relaxed. An eyebrow lifted, crossing the black rim of his glasses. “You want me to go?”
There was a hint of disbelief in his tone. It made me pause. “If you want to.”
His hand slowly became stronger, grasping a little tighter, and his smile returned. “Of course...sorry, I just...after what happened at camp and...”
My cheeks heated, and I looked down at our hands. “I’m sorry if you...if...with Gabriel...I’m sorry about that. And for the surprise that you found out.”
“No,” he said, lifting my hand a little higher in his, pulling it until my palm was pressed against his chest, over his heart. “No, no, I’m sorry. You...I know now. I had to talk to the guys a bit, but I realize now that admitting your feelings about ...us... how hard that was. No wonder you were so stressed out whenever...when I got close, you tensed. I wondered why. Now I know.”
It was true. He hadn’t known, and the guilt had been too strong to enjoy anything we did together. “It doesn’t have to be like that anymore. But I don’t want to push you...”
“I was the idiot who wasn’t paying attention,” he said. “It should have been obvious. Just like I wasn’t listening to you in the shower. I should have.”
“That wasn’t your fault,” I said. “I tried to tell you at the time, but I was breathless and...”
He leaned in, pressing himself against my palm at his chest and scooting a little closer. “I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t know. I was doing what Dr. Green did to me once when...when I was afraid of those showers when I was younger.”
My eyes widened. His face was so sincere, silently pleading with me to understand him. “You?”
“I didn’t want to go in camp showers when I was younger. There were lots of bugs. And they were gross. I didn’t have the anxiety you have about showers, but I was stressing myself out. He did the same thing to me, showing me it didn’t matter by going into it with me.” He bowed his head. “I was trying so hard not to treat you differently than how we’d treat the other guys. Face things head-on. Thinking there were big bugs made me more afraid of the shower areas at camp, and I wasn’t looking at them as they were in real life. So he made me look at them and they weren’t that bad.”
It made sense to me. “You didn’t know about me,” I said. “I don’t like the bugs either, but...I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell us,” he said. He brushed his palm over my cheek, holding my face. “Sang, we need to be open with you, so you’ll be more open with us. So of course I’ll go with you to see Lily. Whenever you want me to.”
My heart warmed, and I swallowed heavily so I wouldn’t tear up. I didn’t want to now. “I am sorry about Gabriel. And how things turned out. It shouldn’t have been a surprise.”
He pressed his lips together and nodded. “We...have a few things to talk about. But don’t worry. I...I’m not going anywhere. It was just unexpected.”
I was happy to hear that. I didn’t need answers from him now.
He wasn’t going anywhere. The others had said if he really didn’t like the idea, he would have said so.
He was adjusting. Like I’d had to adjust when I’d heard about the relationship dynamic of Lily and her team, and the possibilities. We could use their team as an example, but we were different. We had to figure out where we fit in together, among ourselves.
“Lily can help with that, too,” I said quietly. “We could talk about it with her.”
“I think it is a good idea,” Kota said. “Actually, I was thinking perhaps we all should talk to her. Separately or together. However they want.”
I breathed out slowly between my lips. It wasn’t a bad idea at all.
Kota continued to hold my hand and then reached out to me. He picked up a strand of hair that had fallen across my cheek. He shifted it to behind my ear, where it stayed.
He kept his green eyes on mine. “I...don’t want to go backwards,” he said quietly. “I might not be ready for...for exactly what this will become, but I was ready to kiss you and date you since I first saw you. But I’ll understand if I put you off...”
I shook my head. “I want to if you want to.”
He leaned in. I stilled, feeling a little strange, not wanting to press him.
I closed my eyes.
He kissed my lips softly once and then stopped, his mouth hovering.
His nose drifted over mine, rubbing a few times, like he’d done before he kissed me.
I smiled and smothered a giggle.
He kissed me again, a little harder, a little deeper.
A door opened below at the base of the stairs, and we held the kiss for on
ly a second before I backed away from him with an apologetic smile.
Not that I didn’t want to continue, but I had to be mindful about the others, too.
Dr. Green appeared at the top of the stairs. He opened his mouth, uttered a few syllables, stopped and then blushed and started to backtrack down a step. “Sorry,” he said. “I can come back.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Kota said, standing quickly. He turned to me and smiled. “She’s not going anywhere.”
I grinned. Hopefully not.
Dr. Green came up. He was barefoot and wore the same jeans and shirt from earlier. He strolled over to the bed, glancing at the black duffle bag still on the floor beside it. “I came up to ask her what her favorite pizza was. North is fending off the others from eating the last few slices of a couple of them to make sure she gets what she likes. But I’m supposed to check her blood pressure again and other stuff.”
Kota laughed and headed for the stairs. “Other stuff sounds very doctor of you.”
“I’m a professional,” he said and winked at him.
Kota left, going down the steps and shutting the door.
I stood, crossing the room to meet Dr. Green halfway. “Did you get pizza?” I asked.
“Enough,” he said. He looked around the room and then scratched his chin. “I might have forgotten my medical equipment.”
“Did you really mean to check my blood pressure?” I asked.
He laughed and shrugged. “I should, but it can wait.” He held out a hand to me, palm up.
I placed my hand in his. “I still can’t believe what happened.”
“Great plan, wasn’t it?” He wiggled his eyebrows and motioned to the duffle bag. “Why haven’t you unpacked yet?”
I released his hand to pick up the bag and place it on the bed. “I can. Although if I’m going to be between homes for a bit, maybe I need a better bag.”
“Or you need to divide up your clothes among...” He grimaced. “Eight different homes? Geez. Maybe we do need a schedule.”
I started taking out some items from the bag. I found the journal I’d started writing in, and my cheeks heated as I lifted it out.
Next item on my list: find out how the others felt.
“Dr. Sean,” I said quietly, showing him the notebook. “I...”
He tilted his head, puzzled. He absently scratched at his elbow and came closer. “Something wrong? Did we leave something behind? I hope not, because I really don’t want to have to go back unless—”
“No,” I said quickly. “If you don’t mind, Mr. Blackbourne told me...”
He put his hands on his hips and rolled his eyes, tilting his head until he was looking at the ceiling. “Please don’t tell me. He wants to go over a schedule now? Or he wants us to keep a twenty-four-hour watch on your stepmother? Or go over details for the council...”
“No,” I said, reaching to stop him from continuing with a gentle hand pressed at his chest.
He refocused on me, with a slight jump when I touched him, but then pressed his hand to mine, holding it so I continued to touch him.
I smiled. “No,” I said more softly. “I told him how I wanted to know...what everyone thought of the relationship plan, how...they felt about it and any concerns. A few other things...” I showed him the notebook. “And he suggested I write my questions down. That we could pass it around. Everyone reads it, everyone can write out how they feel. It might make it easier.”
He nodded slowly and then released my hand to take the book from me. “You wrote down some questions?”
“I kind of started just writing letters. I found it easier. I don’t mind if the others read it, but it was easier to talk directly to one instead of everyone.” My whole body got warm as I motioned to the notebook. “I started with yours, first.”
Dr. Green blinked repeatedly and then brought the notebook closer to his body, holding it in both hands. “I was the first you wrote to?”
I nodded. I wasn’t really trying to pick anyone to be first, but he’d been at the front of my mind lately. “Take your time,” I said. “I wrote it in the...well, I wrote it in code, the one I made up from Korean lettering. If we want to keep it private...”
He nodded slowly and then looked down at the notebook. “Okay. I’ll figure it out.”
“Also, I sort of wrote it while I was really tired and stressed out, so some of it doesn’t really matter now...”
He chuckled. “I’ll remember some of this was heat-of-the-moment Sang talking.”
I wasn’t sure what else to say, but I heard my name being called from downstairs, possibly North. “He’s going to get into a fight if I don’t get down there.”
Dr. Green waved me off with a hand and then stopped and kissed my cheek. “I’ll have to learn to share.”
I giggled and went to the stairs.
He lingered behind, and as I descended, he opened the notebook.
I sensed he wouldn’t be down until he finished reading it. I’d tell the others he was busy.
I just hoped he wouldn’t consider it silly, but I doubted it.
~ A ~
THE LETTER FROM SANG:
Dr. Sean Green,
I don’t know how long I’ll be up here in this house and unable to see you unless you sneak in again. Before you left tonight, I wanted to tell you to take me with you. I wish I could tell you that right now. I’ll do my best to follow through with whatever the next step is.
Sean, you told me I should ask people directly how they feel.
Mr. Blackbourne suggested that I keep a journal to help. I can pass this to everyone with my questions, and you can ask me some, too.
I have so many questions. I don’t know where to start.
I’m afraid of what may happen if I disappoint any of you. After I upset Kota so badly, I can’t imagine what the rest of you may have gone through when discovering the plan and then agreeing to it. Sean, you did so without me knowing about the plan yet. You were sure before I was that you were okay with this and that it was what you wanted.
How did you know you wanted to?
I find the future hard to picture, especially at this moment. Who knows how long I’ll be up here?
But once I’m out, I want to focus on this. I want to help the others to get out of uncomfortable home lives, if they want to. If I’m out, the others should be, too. I know how anxious I was to be near you all. I couldn’t ask anyone else to stay at home in questionable situations.
I hope you’ll help me help them. I’ll do whatever it takes.
But where would we all go? I can’t imagine we’d all stay in your condo.
Do we all want to stay in the same house?
I miss you a lot, Dr. Sean. Right now I wish you’d crawl back into my window and stay. Too risky, I know.
I want to spend more time with you, too. I don’t know how. I want to make sure everyone is happy, and I don’t want one of you to feel I don’t spend enough time with him.
You told me once you wished you could spend more time with me. I want to make that happen. Somehow.
Also, I need to know anything you may need from me.
Perhaps in the future, we have to respect locked doors. Walking in on the others...I know everyone has gotten used to it. I’ll have to change to make everyone happy, but I can’t do it alone.
I won’t be able to see who is coming in the door. I have to assume whoever it is, he probably won’t be comfortable seeing me kissing someone else, even if everyone agrees they are okay with knowing I do so.
I’ll need everyone to forgive me if I back off when I hear someone coming. I’ll have to ask everyone to be respectful and let me break away.
And if the door is locked, let it remain that way, unless there’s an emergency.
Above all, I need to know how you feel and what you may need from me.
Is it fair to ask what I need? I’m not even sure what to say in answer to any of the questions I have.
I want this to work, because when I
’m with you, and the team, I’m happy. I want to feel this way all the time.
It seems overwhelming in the moment, especially sitting here on this bed. I try to picture how Lily handles it and I can’t even start.
If you’re with me on this, though, I need to hear it, maybe even a few times. I try not to doubt, but sometimes it is very hard to believe someone like you, so incredible, so sweet and handsome, wants to be with me.
Am I the only one who has doubted?
Once I’m out, I’ll do anything you need me to do. I want to, because I can’t stop thinking about you.
I asked before how you felt about me. I want to ask again. I can’t help it. Is it normal to ask so many times?
I know I care very much. I enjoy being around you. Sleeping at your condo was fun. Just being around you...I want to do that more, as we don’t often get lots of time together. Maybe I can wait in your office between what you do at the hospital? I don’t mind waiting to see you.
I never pictured my future before, but now I can’t imagine it without you.
I love when you tease me about getting married.
I loved when you made a paper rose for me.
I didn’t love how you made me pretend to be a doctor in training, but I’ll never forget it. That and how you kissed me. For the first time. My first time.
Can’t wait to see you,
Sang
HIS LETTER:
Pookie,
When I first spotted you in the hallway at Ashley Waters, it was the best day ever and the worst.
I found the girl I knew I wanted to get to know. You were being bullied by McCoy, but I found myself so attracted right from the start.
It was horrible knowing you were a student. I wasn’t a teacher, but there was this pretend barrier between us. I was sure I’d see you in the hallways, pine after you for however long it took us to solve problems at the high school.
And then you talked to me.
You laughed.
You’re smart and sweet and beautiful.
All the beauty on the outside was echoed on the inside and I couldn’t stand it.
I told Owen that night I’d be in trouble. He tried to say I was full of nonsense.