I thank her, hang up, and slide down the wall. I try to shake the worry that has settled in the pit of my belly, but I can’t. What if that was the last time I’ll see him? What if he was crying because he was saying goodbye? With a shake of my head, I force the thoughts out. As dysfunctional as he is, I think Jackson needs me as much as I need him, and I think he has as much power as I do when it comes to staying away. Maybe he cares for me more than he lets on. I let my head fall back until it hits the uneven door frame. It’s uncomfortable, but I don’t care. All I want right now is to know what’s going on in Jackson’s head. If it’s bad enough to make him break down, then he’s going to need someone to talk to and to support him before he explodes. And he will. Jackson doesn’t know how to heal. He only knows how to inflict damage on himself and others…but not this time. I won’t let him.
Jackson
I drive fast—much faster than the signed limit, but I’m not about to slow down for anybody. When I first decided to leave Selena’s house, I was headed for Seth’s gym. He’ll still be there. I know he doesn’t finish for another forty minutes. But I know once I see him, I’ll want to talk to him, and if there’s one thing Seth hates more than anything else, it’s talking about my relationships. He doesn’t understand. Seth sees relationships as black and white. If you love the person, stay. If not, leave—but it’s not as simple as that. Olivia is his first serious relationship and it’s perfect. Mine was the relationship from hell. The devil himself would take one look at Amelia and run a fucking mile in the opposite direction.
In its holder, my phone buzzes and beeps, alerting me of a phone call. The chances of the call coming from Amelia or Selena is high and I don’t want to talk to either of them—Amelia, especially. I drove to Selena’s house with the intention to talk. I was going to tell her everything, but when she opened the door and I saw her flaring green eyes and mad expression, I crashed. I didn’t realize it until then that I need Selena more than I’ve ever admitted. Between my relationship with Amelia and working for Seth to keep my mind occupied, I was driving myself crazy. I felt off balance…unwanted…invisible. I can’t explain it. I was unhappy and unsatisfied with my life, but the moment she turned too fast and whipped my face with her curls in Seth’s locker room after his first fight with Frederick Kennedy in Portland, I was sold.
Adrenaline pumps through my veins. In a way, I feel like I was the one fighting Frederick. Seeing Seth out there, doing what he loves—what I used to love—brings a mixture of nostalgia and nausea. I slip into his locker room, adding to the mass of people already there. I glance at Seth, expecting him to be bouncing off the wall in excitement. Instead, he sits calmly on his bench, unwrapping his hands. Darryl shouts his praise, repeating all of the things Seth did and claiming credit for them. I helped train him too, but not once does he mention my name.
Asshole.
Then, Seth’s eyes flick across the room to the girl next to me. I eye her up. She’s pretty in that natural way—not usually what Seth goes for. From what I can tell, her breasts are real and she’s not wearing heels longer than my dick. For a groupie—or whatever the fighter equivalent is called—she looks anything but. Her straight hair drapes against her breasts, covering the top of the letters on her ‘SETH’ shirt and when her eyes meet his, the pinkest flush I’ve ever seen heats her cheeks. As I turn my sights back to Darryl, a flash of blonde hair that smells like wine, cigarettes, and expensive perfume whips across my face. I take a minute step back and stare down at the wide green eyes looking up at me. The girl is short—much shorter than me. It had to have been a major hair flick for it to hit my face.
“Sorry.” She chuckles, genuinely amused by my shock. “I didn’t see you there.”
My stare falls to her spare upper lips and I marvel over the fullness of her lower one. Compared to the other girl, this one is a little more dangerous. It’s written all over her features and it glistens deep in her eyes.
“My fault,” I reply, unable to stop a smile from curving my lips. “I was standing too close.”
Her lips part with a soft smile, showing her perfect, white teeth. Awareness of her prickled over my skin—a sensation I haven’t felt since I saw Amelia. The girl in front of me is a potent force, exuding sexual energy. It’d be a lie if I said the thought of wrapping her hair around my knuckles and pulling tightly doesn’t cross my mind.
“I’m Selena. A friend of Olivia’s.”
I glance over at the brunette girl who’s now flush against Seth with her hand on his chest. She’s Olivia? I heard Seth mention her name in passing a few times during training. I wondered where he disappeared to on occasion. I guess now I know. I smirk. Seth has his sights on an innocent little woman who’ll probably tear his heart out and stomp it into the ground. While that’s happening, I don’t see the harm in indulging in sex myself. I look back at Selena and hold out my hand.
“Jackson. A friend of Seth’s.”
Times were so much simpler then. I didn’t expect anything from Selena and she didn’t expect anything from me. We drank, we danced, we fucked…and we didn’t want anything else. It was harmless fun, that’s all. Now Selena wants to be together or end what we have. I don’t want either—especially the latter. Without Selena, I’ll be alone, and the thought terrifies me. Despite how mad she makes me and how hard she pushes me, I need her. If I have her, truly have her, how do I know I won’t fuck it up? How do I keep her happy? How do I know if I’m enough for her? What if she leaves?
I fall from my thoughts and back into reality when my phone vibrates against the cup holder once more. With a defeated sigh, I pick it up and glance at the screen. I lift my eyebrows when I see Seth’s name displayed in bold, black letters. Without question, I answer it. Seth doesn’t say anything at first, only listens. I roll my eyes. He’s trying to determine my location by the background noise. I flick my attention to a sign I pass on the outskirts of Portland. I need to let off some excess stress. Last night I won five grand in an attempt to rid the pain in the ass that is ‘excess stress.’ It’s only natural it will happen again, and if I protect my eyebrow well enough, I won’t have to stop by the ER before I leave town. I sigh. Is that what I’ve decided to do? To leave town? I’m a fucking pussy.
“What are you doing, Jacks?” Seth asks after a heavy exhale.
I shrug even though he can’t see it. “Driving around.”
“And where are you heading, exactly? The same place that gave you the busted eyebrow?”
I chuckle under my breath. “You’re so negative. Don’t see it as the place that gave me the busted eyebrow. See it as the place that gave me five grand.”
He snorts. “Right. Look, I’m closing the gym, but I want you to swing by. We need to talk about today.”
My body tenses. Seth doesn’t like to talk about my problems and I don’t particularly like sharing it with him. Frustration picks at me. I’m willing to bet last night’s earnings that Selena told Olivia what happened earlier and she’s shared her concerns with Seth.
“Yeah? What about today?” I ask, sounding a hell of a lot more defensive than I intend to.
“Her.”
The way he says it makes my blood run cold and I stutter like a fucking idiot, trying to scrounge up an excuse. How’d he know it was her? He wasn’t even in the same room as me when I was hitting the bag and there’s no way he’d be able to tell over the shitty camera feed, right?
“I saw her in my gym, Jacks, and I saw you run out of here with your tail between your legs.”
“Selena didn’t tell you a thing?”
If he heard the skeptical tone in my voice, he’d kick my ass.
“She called, worried about you, but skipped on the details.” He laughs under his breath. “For a change.”
I smile, despite my foul mood. “You’ve got a family to go home to. You don’t want to hear my problems.”
He blows air out of his cheeks. “You’re family too, asshole, now get over here before I come looking for you.”
>
Then he hangs up and I drop my phone back into the cup holder. Up ahead, I see a sign permitting a U-turn, which gives me less than a minute to contemplate what I want to do. As I approach the sign, I lift my foot off the accelerator to buy myself more time. My truck slows and so does my train of thought. I can fight this anger away and probably get my ass handed to me or I can lean on someone else for a change. There’s no one in this world I trust more than Seth. He’s like a brother to me—he is a brother to me—and if he’s opening his arms, then he must really think I need it. With that thought, I slow right down and make my U-turn. I hesitate putting my foot back on the accelerator until a car speeds up behind me and honks their horn.
“Fuck,” I utter under my breath before I put my foot down and head back in the direction of Seth’s gym.
***
The parking lot is dark when I pull in, and the only car sitting out in front is Seth’s. A nauseating curl of nerves roll through my stomach. Seeing Amelia has ruined the whole feel of the gym for me. It’s like, somehow, a dark cloud now hovers over it. My car rolls to a stop and I sit inside for a few extra minutes before exhaling and unclipping my seatbelt.
Outside of the truck, the warm air clings to me. Compared to last night, the weather is calm—too calm, almost. No cars drive by. No sirens sound off, and no distant music blasts. I wonder if the whole city knows Amelia is in town and remains quiet, hoping to avoid her. It’s not the stupidest idea.
I cross the parking lot and approach the front door. As I reach out to touch the handle, the door opens and Seth steps aside to let me in. He offers me a tight smile, but even I can tell it’s fake. He’s as uncomfortable as I am about this whole thing.
“Thanks, bud,” I say as I step inside.
The gym is empty, like he said it would be. The only light glows from the training room, so I head there. Behind me, I hear the door shut and lock before Seth’s heavy footsteps follow. The gym smells clean. It always does. The amount of cleaning and up keeping Seth and Olivia do to this place is incredible. Olivia’s father, Rick, would be pleased. I remember when he died. It was a sad day for everyone. Nobody saw it coming.
I saunter in through the training room door and hover by the cage while Seth pushes everything back into place. When he’s finished, he rolls over an aerobics ball and sits on it, folding his arms over his chest.
“So Amelia showed up, huh?”
I shudder at the recollection. Seeing her in the flesh was…ethereal. Unreal. Disgusting. Leaving the gym today left me a little confused. She made my heart drum wildly, but the repulsion I felt was too strong to even act on any lusty thoughts I may have had. Inhaling the same air as her was too much; like a cigarette, I could feel my insides blackening.
“Yeah…” I rake my fingers through my hair. “It caught me off guard.”
“Did she say why she was here?”
I look at him directly. “For me, apparently.”
Seth shakes his head. “There has to be more to it. She never gave a shit about you before, why now?”
A shrug is my only response. Maybe she has changed? Maybe she finally woke up and realized I was the best thing she ever had? Ha. Yeah right.
“Have you seen her since this morning?”
I shake my head. “No, but I get the feeling she’s not going to go away.”
“And Selena? Does she know?”
I clench my jaw. “No.”
“You’ve got to tell her, Jacks. It’s only a matter of time before Amelia discovers you’ve got someone else and tries to take you away from her. Let Selena help you.”
If only he knew just how badly I’ve already ruined things between Selena and me. She isn’t going to want to help me. She’s always sacrificing herself to help me and I throw it back in her face.
“Selena can’t help me,” I mutter, my voice sad and quiet.
Seth’s eyes thin. “Well, someone needs to help you because you sure as fuck can’t help yourself. You’re useless. Always have been.”
Aggression in its full glory ignites in my body and I push off the cage. “I’m useless?”
Seth pushes himself to his feet, the perfect picture of calm. Of course he’s calm! I launch forward with a growl and swing my arm. It happens quickly. One minute I’m swinging and the next I’m connecting with Seth’s mouth. He doesn’t bother bringing his hands up to protect himself. He lets me hit him, and instead of relieving me, it pisses me off even more. I grit my teeth as Seth’s head snaps to the side, but he doesn’t stumble. Granted, I didn’t hit him extremely hard, just enough to let him know I’m not useless. Straightening his posture, blood leaks across his lip and he runs his tongue over it.
“Feel better?”
He’s calm, still! I pull my arm back for another and Seth’s jaw clenches.
“I’m only going to let you hit me once, Jackson. Do it again and I’m going to beat your fucking ass.”
I stop, my fist cocked back past my face. I want to let it fly. I want to take all of my anger out on him…but what’s the point? He’s right. I’m fucking useless. I have no real job, no family, and no purpose. Punching my best friend—my brother—in the face isn’t going to change that. I lower my fist, choosing to run it over my face instead of forcing it into his.
“Is it going to be like this forever?” I ask.
My voice is defeated—exhausted. It even sounds sad, but I don’t care. Not anymore.
“If you let it. You love Selena. Deep down, you know you do. If you want your life to change, you’ve gotta take the plunge, man. Whatever happens, it can’t be worse than what you’ve already gone through.”
His words resonate with sense, but it’s not enough to have me admit my feelings about Selena. I’m not even sure of them yet. “What if I fuck up?”
Seth shrugs. “Fucking up is part of the adventure. I fucked up. I fucked up majorly, but Olivia forgives me.”
“How do you forgive yourself?”
Seth’s face grows cloudy and his eyes thin into regretful slits. “I don’t. Every time I see her face I wonder if she loves me a little less because of what I did. I torture myself with thoughts of Olivia feeling hurt whenever Selena and I are in the same room, and even though she pleads with me to forget about the kiss and that she believes me when I tell her it was a ploy to get back at Don and it didn’t mean anything to me, I can’t forgive myself.” He rakes his fingers through his hair. “Long story short, you can sit around and beat yourself up about doing something stupid, or you can count your blessings and learn from it.”
I know where he’s coming from and I understand his advice—I do—but declaring my love for Selena will only get her hopes up. I’m not willing to take any groundbreaking steps with Amelia in town. I can only imagine the myriad of sick games she’ll play with me when she finds out about Selena. She’ll probably go after Selena, too. The stories Amelia will tell will crush any feelings of affection Selena has for me, and if she’s going to hear it anyway, she might as well hear it from me. That’s a thing, right? Girls like to hear stories from the source?
“I have to see Selena…” I mutter, staring at the black mats beneath my feet.
I move quickly then and cross the room in record time.
“Don’t do anything you’re going to regret later, Jacks,” he calls after me and I wave him off.
I’ll most likely end up regretting divulging my entire history with Amelia to Selena. She’ll probably share it with Olivia, who will tell Seth, but at least I won’t be the only one carrying it around anymore.
Chapter Six
Selena
My phone beeps and the screen lights up. I jolt forward, moving quicker in that two seconds than I have all evening, and all for a low battery notification. Sagging back into the couch, I grab the remote and take one last glance at the butt lift infomercial before shutting off the TV. I don’t know what Jackson is doing. He could be in another state by now—or dead. I’m not one to immediately think the worst, but Jackson likes to drive
fast. Match that with his erratic personality and whatever happened today…he could be turned over in a ditch somewhere. I quickly drop the thought. Olivia said Seth got a hold of him and he’s okay. What they’re doing now though, I have no idea. All I want is a text from him, but I’m probably the last thing on his mind, and after crying on my shoulder, I doubt he ever wants to make eye contact with me again. With a sigh, I force myself from the couch. An hour ago, I decided to go for a walk around my block, but I had this crazy notion that Jackson would show up while I was gone, so I stayed home. As the seconds tick by, I’m beginning to wonder if he’ll show up at all.
Adjusting my jeans, I move from the living room and make my way into the hall. As I close in on the front door, I tug my pink hoodie over my head so my hair is forced to snuggle my throat and keep me warm. It’s not cold, but having my hair surround me offers comfort. It makes me feel safe. I’m moping and I hate every second of it. Even when I walk my shoulders are slumped, my spine arched, and my steps sluggish. I am all of the girls I’ve ever picked on for being stupid by falling in love with someone who doesn’t deserve it…and I hate it.
With clenched teeth, I pull open the door and halt dead in my tracks as a closed fist stops an inch from my face. My heart skips a beat—two beats—before it kicks up in tempo. It takes everything I have not to grab his fist and pull it into my lips. The way my body is reacting to his presence has me confused. It’s like I haven’t seen him in months. I’ve missed him so much my chest hurts.
I hold my breath as he lowers his hand and nervously stuffs it into the pockets of his jeans. He smells clean, like soap and water, and his white shirt hugs him tightly.
“Can I come in?” he asks finally, but I remain still, unsure of his intent.
I’ve waited a long time for him to show up here, and although my bruised pride wants to kick his ass to the curb, my compassion refuses to let it.