“The end justifies the means?” she asked tartly.
“Yeah. Don’t change the subject. Look at me and tell me you don’t love me.”
Oh, she wanted to. Really wanted to. It would save her heartache and sanity. But she wasn’t sure it was possible.
With a cry, Lauren pushed against his chest and tried to shove her way out of his embrace so she could escape to the bathroom. He grabbed her shoulders and held firm, pinning her to the headboard.
“Answer me.” His gaze caressed her mouth in a hungry stare. Blood flowed through her body, engorging her nipples. The slightest look in her direction and she got all hot for him. Bad sign. Very bad. Her only consolation was that his cock swelled as well, rising full staff and ready.
When he met her stare, he growled, “You get me hard. Just one look. And every time, I’m ready in an instant. You do that to me. Only you. Because I love you.”
The demand in his voice made her tremble. God, it would be so easy to just give in and admit she loved him, too. But if she did that, she’d only be opening herself up to the kind of pain from which she might never recover.
“You say that…” She frowned, trying to keep tears at bay.
“I mean that.” He shook her, glowered, intent and determined.
Lauren shook her head. “Soon, your wandering eyes will follow someone shiny and new.”
While her emotion would last way beyond an introduction to the next slick female who caught his eye. And his abandonment would kill her. Better to end it now and start healing than wait until she fell much deeper.
It just didn’t feel that way.
He cursed, the word blunt and ugly. “Everyone else has been a substitute for you. I can’t even tell you how many women I dated because they looked like you. How many times I fucked someone with my eyes closed so I could pretend she was you.”
Lauren gasped. The image of Noah with someone else made her stomach curdle. But to know that he’d pretended those women were her… She couldn’t think, couldn’t comprehend… As if he knew her incredulity, he kept talking.
“You told me earlier that pretending wasn’t enough for you anymore. It hasn’t been enough for me for years. You want me to be honest, here it is. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I want to marry you, grow old with you. I want to spend my days devoted to you, every night inside you—”
“No, you don’t. You think that, but you’ve never been faithful to one woman in your life.”
“Because you were married, and nobody else mattered. Answer the question: do you love me?”
Lauren swallowed. Yes. God, yes. “It’s not that simple…”
“Yes or no.”
He wasn’t going to leave until she answered. The firm grip of his hands and the demanding glint in his eyes told her he planned to be an immovable mountain. She’d seen him in business. In a game of corporate chicken, he never flinched, never gave in once he was determined to have his way.
And giving him the truth would only give him the power to keep pursuing her, until he cornered her, wore her down, and claimed victory.
The moments with him would be sublime. Dizzying happiness. Full of wild satiation and smiles. Incredible. Unlike anything she’d shared with Tim. Even more intense than fantasies.
But it wouldn’t last. Noah was as domesticated as a Bengal tiger. Hoping she could housebreak him into the role of suburban husband was emotional suicide.
In the fight between honesty and self-preservation, she surrendered her ideals and whispered, “I don’t.”
Shock passed over Noah’s face before it hardened into something cold. He backed off the bed and reached for his pants, his cock hard—his eyes harder. “You condemn me for lying so I could prove you have my heart. But you’re quick to lie right to my face in order to protect your own.”
Guilt and shame showered over her in a hot wash. He was right. Totally.
But that didn’t change a thing.
She watched with stinging watery eyes as he thrust on his shirt and shoes, then stalked toward her again. Lauren tried to back away from the fury on his face. She didn’t fear that Noah would hurt her. He wouldn’t. She was terrified that he would touch her, overwhelm her. And he wanted to; it was stamped into the hard angles of his face.
He reached her, and with a sweep of his arms, he laid her flat on her back, directly beneath him. In an instant, his hard mouth slanted over hers, his harder body enveloped her, pressing her into the mattress, leaving her no question how badly he wanted her or how angry he was.
His rough kiss dominated—her senses, her resistance. His tongue swept through her mouth with familiar abandon, filling her with the flavor of his determination and need. His lips molded against hers. A low groan from his chest rumbled through her body and ripped through her self-control. Against her better judgment, Lauren melted into him, opened her mouth to him, and arched against the furious rise and fall of his hard-slabbed chest.
Desire didn’t just spark inside her; it ignited into a firestorm. The blaze overtook her in an instant. Noah knew just how to hold her, kiss her… He’d learned her body too well. Touching him was exhilarating, terrifying—like she imagined skydiving would be—scary and stupid and a rush like no other.
As she reached up to sink her fingers into his hair and raise her hips to his, Noah tore himself away.
Staring with accusing eyes, he backed away to the foot of the bed as his chest heaved. His fingers worked into fists.
“Fuck! You’re willing to throw everything we could have away, every bit of the fire and need and love between us—”
“Noah.” She reached for him, regardless of the fact she dropped the sheet, exposing her breasts.
His gaze dropped to the bared mounds, still swollen and berry-tipped. His nostrils flared, and he swallowed. But he didn’t succumb.
“It wouldn’t last,” she said, cutting into the thickening silence.
“You’re going to throw us away because you’re too fucking scared to believe that I love you. Forever. You’re telling me the crazy tactics I used to win you meant nothing. You think I’d do all that just to conquer a challenge or get laid? You think I’m too stupid to know what’s been in my heart for ten years, or that I would jeopardize our friendship and working relationship just to get off? You’re out of your fucking mind if you do.”
Lauren didn’t know what to say. He didn’t understand. He couldn’t since he’d never been abandoned or endured a divorce.
She’d wanted a fling, was too jaded to believe in fairy tales. And what he seemed to be offering was an illusion. It was too much, too sudden, too unreal.
“I think you believe everything you’re saying, but the way you plan… You say I’m not just a challenge for you. Maybe not, but how do I know you don’t have some grand checklist of life that includes acquiring a wife and kids? Now that you’re pushing forty, maybe you’re feeling…desperate to settle down and you’ve convinced yourself that I’m the one because I’m suitable and comfortable.”
He looked at her as if she’d come from an alien planet. “I didn’t pursue you because my biological clock is ticking. Marrying and having babies with you has been on my list for years, but only with you. I want you.”
“Noah, I don’t think you really understand love or the realities of marriage. It takes more than good chemistry.”
“I know that!”
“How could you? You don’t exactly have the reputation for staying in a relationship.”
He shook his head. “This is about you. You’re painting me with Tim’s brush and penalizing me because…why? You can’t let go of your leftover fear from the divorce. You’re afraid to try again, and you’re too scared to admit that you fell into bed with me because you love me. You keep insisting what we have is just fantasy because that’s easy. The reality scares you, and you won’t even try to accept it, no matter how big the reward. You simply refuse to deal with it. You bitch at me about lying.” He cocked a dark brow, cynical fury burning in hi
s eyes. “Look in the mirror, sugar.”
Without looking back, he turned away and marched toward the hall, anger set in the taut lines of his shoulders and clenched fists.
He was leaving. Just like that, leaving. Panic welled up inside her at the thought, grabbing her heart and squeezing. “Wait!”
With a sharp turn, Noah pinned her with a glare. “For what? I’m not going to tell you to find me when you come to your senses. I’ve done my waiting, ten years of it. I’m not waiting a minute more.”
Chapter Eleven
Noah spent Saturday drunk. Sunday was looking like a repeat.
Yeah, Lauren was willing to throw their relationship away over her irrational fear, but the lies of his grand scheme hadn’t helped. He’d fucked up. Big.
Clutching a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and bracing himself against the portal of the open French door, Noah stared out at the quiet morning hovering in a hushed mist over his backyard.
Just days ago, Lauren had been here, smiling, laughing. Her girls swimming and playing. The sense of rightness had screwed with his head, made him believe in a faulty plan. That had been his downfall.
Raising the bottle to his mouth, Noah chugged swallow after swallow of the liquid fire. The alcohol burned his empty stomach. A quick glance in a decorative mirror on the wall to his left told him he looked like shit—hair askew, two days’ growth of beard, rumpled clothes, sunken, hollow eyes that echoed the sensation in his chest.
For a wild week, he’d had Lauren, held her, fantasized about everything from tasting her pussy to sliding a ring on her finger. After one sweep of his mask to the floor, it was all over.
Where had he gone wrong? She’d been interested in him at the office. Her discreet glances, sexy blouses, the glimpses of thigh-high stockings…they hadn’t lied. He believed she’d been thinking of him, of Noah, when he sneaked into her bed and body dressed as Mr. Mysterious. He’d gotten drunk on the need in her intoxicating touch.
If he hadn’t miscalculated…
Oh, hell. If onlys wouldn’t help him now. Lauren was gone, probably forever.
On that cheerful note, the phone rang. Probably his mother. She’d been horrified when she’d stopped in yesterday afternoon to find him surrounded by two empty bottles of tequila and he’d confessed that he hadn’t eaten since lunch on Friday.
With a long-suffering sigh, he reached for the phone on his belt. The caller ID surprised him. Not his mother…
“Yeah.” He couldn’t quite keep the rancor out of his tone.
After all, the man on the other end was one of the big reasons for his own torment.
“Noah, buddy. How’ve you been?”
Tim sounded a little too chipper for Noah’s mood, particularly since he wanted to reach through the phone and beat the shit out of Lauren’s ex. If the bastard hadn’t neglected her and hurt her, she wouldn’t have been so gun-shy about getting involved again.
“Busy.” He barely sounded civil. “You?”
“Actually…not so busy. I’ve been backing off my work schedule some. Spending more quality time with the kids. They’re growing up so fast.”
That snagged Noah’s attention. “You’re not paying homage to the work god twenty-four/seven anymore?”
“No. Work isn’t life. A lot of people tried to tell me. Hell, Lauren begged me to get that. Guess it took losing her and most of my friends to buy that clue. I don’t want to wake one day to find my kids grown and hating me.”
Noah’s gut tightened. “You looking to get Lauren back?”
“No. She and I…we were good friends, but in the end, what we had wasn’t enough for either of us.”
Relieved, Noah exhaled, his mind racing. He lifted the bottle to his lips again and took a healthy chug. “Well…congrats on your balanced life.” Or whatever. “What do you want?”
“Emma and Cass spent the weekend with me and told me they’d been swimming at your place a few days ago.”
Yeah, the night he’d fallen hard and been delusional enough to believe Lauren loved him. Just before he’d fucked everything up.
“Yeah. They’re good kids.”
“Lauren has done a great job.”
Noah grunted in response. Where the hell was this going? Tim wasn’t usually big on chatting over the phone.
“Anyway,” Tim cut into the silence. “Emma tells me that you and Lauren looked…pretty cozy that night. She got the impression it would have been quite the date if she and Cass hadn’t been there.”
Ah, the interrogation. No doubt, Tim expected him to dodge and play the game, work the information to his advantage.
At the moment he was too drunk—and too hurt—to do anything but tell the man what he really thought.
“No, it would have been way more than a date. I would have claimed her, pure and simple. Do you know I’ve been in love with your ex-wife since the day I met her?”
Tim hesitated for a long moment. “I suspected. The way you looked at her…” He sighed. “I never felt that way about her. Honestly, I expected you to do something about it years ago and give me an easy out of the marriage.”
“What?!”
“Look, I knew for years I wasn’t the man for her. I just didn’t…want to hurt her by telling her I wanted the divorce. I encouraged you to spend time with her, thinking the inevitable would happen.”
“It never happened while you were married to her. Ever.”
“Yeah.” Tim gave him a hollow laugh. “I found out the hard way that for all your ruthless business strategy, you’re an honorable bastard. But in the end, something happened that convinced her to leave me, so it’s all the way it should be now, I guess.”
“No, it’s not, you son of a bitch,” Noah growled. “Your neglect made her feel so unwanted that she’s afraid to try an actual relationship with anyone, much less someone who would walk to the ends of the earth on hot coals for her.”
“Ouch. I guess I deserve that.”
“And more.”
“Yeah… Well, you still want her. What’s your angle?”
“I’m out of them, man.”
“C’mon. You’re the master of strategy. You can turn every situation to your advantage. You have contingencies for your contingencies. Knowing you, you’ve got some grand plan, and she won’t know what hit her until she’s fallen so hard—”
“It’s over.”
Hearing Tim’s utter silence, Noah cursed into the phone. His head spun. Master of strategy? Is that how everyone saw him? Lauren had certainly cast him in that light.
Okay, so he planned his moves with as much precision as possible when it came to work. And yes…he’d done the same with Lauren. He hadn’t known what else to do.
She’d accused him of methodically plotting out their relationship like a corporate takeover.
He frowned. Put in that light, the way he’d pursued Lauren sounded mercenary and decidedly unromantic. Though he’d never gone to such lengths before, he’d used strategy to woo dozens of nameless women to his bed over the years. And she knew it.
Shit.
Tim’s indifference had hurt her. But his own calculated plotting…that was just another huge reason she didn’t trust him. Her refusal to be with him was, in large part, his own damn fault.
Yeah, he’d definitely fucked up. Only now, he realized it wasn’t a flaw in the plan but the fact he’d made the plan at all.
He should have led with his heart.
Approaching her slowly, wooing her with attention and conversation and all the romantic stuff she’d never had in her marriage would have been a much better idea. Playing on her loneliness and using her own sexuality to seduce her hadn’t been wise. Lying to Lauren about his pursuit of a divorcée so he could use her own advice to win her…brilliant, devious—totally wrong.
“It’s over?” Tim asked incredulously. “You’re just going to give up? That’s not like you. Maybe it would help you to know that after I dropped Emma and Cass off earlier, Lauren looked like