“Uh, I guess so. I’m just not one for hanging out with the girls. Sorry if I’ve seemed like a bitch.” I slid into my seat and pulled out my notebook, which was already completely covered with doodling.
“Forget about it. It’s not like you don’t have a reason to be,” Danielle said, putting a bookmark in place and closing up her novel. “I know things have totally sucked lately for you,”
“I thought you didn’t know my sister.”
“I’ve got ears. Everybody’s been talking about her. I’ve heard stuff, that’s all. Don’t worry, I’m not going to gossip about you. Besides, I don’t think anything in your life can top the shit that’s happening in my house. My mom’s suddenly come out of the closet and wants to move her girlfriend in. Like I need another mother. Isn’t one enough?”
“Please keep my stuff private, whatever you do! Half the school already thinks I’m a freak and I don’t need any more people talking about me. Where do you live? I’ll come by on Friday and we can go to Matt’s together. Just don’t expect me to do the female bonding thing very well.”
Danielle shot me a mischievous look. “Oh come on, be my new best friend. Please, please, please, please. We’ll giggle over cute boys and paint our nails. We’ll talk like Valley Girls and everything. It’ll be bitchen. You’ll see.”
Danielle’s mom answered the door on Friday evening and practically verbally assaulted me as soon as I stepped across the threshold.
“So you must be Ronnie. Danielle’s just gone on and on about you. She says you’re very talented. Do you want a beer? I’m not to be one of those uptight parents, you know, the ones who never let their kids have any fun.” She was definitely trying too hard to be cool.
“Uh, no. Thanks,” I replied, looking past her. “Is Danielle here?” I could hear music coming from somewhere.
“Just go down that hall. Her room’s the first one on the left. I’m heading out now myself. Have fun!”
I knocked on Danielle’s bedroom door but I don’t think she heard me over her music. David Bowie was singing about the perils of modern love. “Anybody home?” I called, letting myself in.
Danielle was sitting on the edge of her bed, a mirror in one hand and an eye liner in the other. Her bedspread was pink, the walls were pink, and the carpet was pink. “Don’t mind the décor,” she said. “I went through a real hyper-feminine phase when I was little. Haven’t gotten around to redecorating yet.”
“It looks like somebody puked up Pepto Bismol in here.” I had to push aside a pile of dirty clothes before I could walk any further into the room. How could she function in the middle of such a mess? “Almost ready?”
“Yeah. I guess I’m as good as I’m going to get tonight. Does this shirt look all right?”
Danielle was wearing a white puffy blouse with a row of tiny buttons down either side of her chest and a pair of tight pin-striped jeans. Her light brown hair was parted in the middle and fanned back on either side perfectly. She looked like something straight out of Seventeen Magazine. “Well, you look like the complete opposite of me, so you must look good. Can we go yet?”
She dropped the eyeliner and picked up some lipstick. Puckering her lips, she applied the pearly pink in one stroke of cosmetic mastery. “What’s up? You seem nervous or something.”
“This is the first party I’ve ever gone to. I am freaking out a bit but Griffin wants me to be there.
“Ah, the things we do for love. You must be seriously obsessed with him.”
Just hearing his name made me feel warm inside. “We’ve only been going out a couple of days.”
“Really? You’re actually dating Griffin McNay? No wonder you didn’t want to go to this party alone. You’re apt to get spit on by hordes of jealous girls. Don’t worry, my mom made me take a self-defense class for women last winter.” She waved her arms around in pseudo judo move.
“Let’s get going then, Bruce Lee. I don’t want to miss a minute of Roadkill.”
“Are they any good?”
“No, they totally suck. I can’t believe I’m willingly subjecting myself to this torture,” I said.
“Uh oh. Sounds like love to me.”
Chapter Six
Smoky blue air assaulted our noses as soon as we stepped into the house and a deep thumping bass shook the windows. I knew it wasn’t Roadkill though because the music sounded too good.
I took shallow breaths until I adjusted to the reduced air quality and looked around. The house was jammed with people I didn’t know. A few faces looked vaguely familiar but no names came to me. Thank goodness Danielle was by my side.
“Recognize anyone?” I asked her, trying not to choke on the smell of cigarettes.
Danielle glanced around and nodded. “There’s a guy from our English class over in the corner, looking like he’s about to puke.” She pointed to a blonde fellow who looked like every other guy in school to me.
We made our way to the kitchen, pushing through the crowd of laughing, boisterous drunks. I felt like I was in peer pressure purgatory with no way out.
Several Styrofoam coolers filled with liquid refreshment took center stage in the kitchen, guarded by a pack of guys who I would probably know if I gave a damn about my social standing in school. “That’s Steve Curtis, Mike Thomas and Rob McCall,” Danielle shouted into my ear over the music. “They’re on the football team.”
“It figures,” I replied.
I felt their eyes crawl up and down me as I approached. “What have you got?” I asked the tallest one, apparently named Mike.
“Just wobbly pop. Or regular pop for anyone too lame not to drink,” he snickered.
“Lame it is then. Give me a Coke or a Pepsi” I told him, looking him directly in the eye. I was daring him to give me a hard time.
“Same for me,” added Danielle.
The three jocks laughed in unison. ”Go home to bed, babies,” Mike said.
I ignored the insult and got out of the kitchen as fast as I could without the clique of stupidity knowing I was nervous. “Thanks fellas,” I called back. “It’s been a slice.”
Griffin and the rest of the band were setting up their equipment in the living room when Danielle and I found them.
Griffin’s hair stood in perfect inky spikes and he wore a faded black Ramones t-shirt, his face already a little shiny from the heat of the crowded room. I waved and caught his eye as he stood up from plugging in his microphone.
“Hey there,” I said.
He smiled that killer grin right at me and my stomach flipped. I couldn’t wait until he was done his set so I could kiss him again.
“We’re good to go as soon as Jeff gets back from the bathroom. Nerves make him have to pee.” Griffin ran his fingers through his hair and scanned the room. He was nervous too.
I leaned into him and kissed him on the cheek. “Break a leg tonight,” I said, wishing him luck. “You’ll be awesome.”
“Thanks. Wait for me and I’ll drive you home later, okay?”
I nodded, wishing the set were already done so we could be alone.
Danielle and I decided to make a pit stop to the bathroom. The small bungalow was packed with at least thirty teenagers, so maneuvering our way to the facilities took a bit of aggressiveness. Danielle plowed on ahead and shouldered her way through the crowd as I brought up the rear.
Taking up the spot at the end of the line, Danielle and I tried to be patient. Between the cigarette smoke, the smell of beer and the unnatural number of bodies per square foot inside the house, the air was closing in on me, making me feel claustrophobic. This party couldn’t be over soon enough.
Danielle didn’t seem to mind. Bobbing her head to the Queen song blasting out of the stereo, she pulled out her purse and dabbed on a fresh layer of lip gloss. “See anyone you know?” she shouted right into my ear.
I took a quick look around and noticed a few of Katherine’s girlfriends. I’m sure that one of the girls saw me but as I tried to make cont
act she turned her back to me and started laughing. And I definitely recognized Todd somebody or other and Chris what’s his name, two guys that Katherine dated a while ago.
The photo strip of Katherine and the mystery man seemed to be burning a hole through the back pocket of my jeans. I pulled it out again but the guy still didn’t look familiar to me. For all I knew, he went to West Hill, the high school on the other side of town.
Katherine had probably dated half the guys here tonight at one point or the other but the one guy that I wanted to talk to seemed impossible to find.
“What’s that?” Danielle asked, noticing the photo strip.
“Oh look, it’s your turn,” I replied, pushing her towards the door of the bathroom and ignoring her question. “I’ll wait here for you.”
Roadkill was ready to start. Griffin stepped up to the microphone and the first rumbling chords started bouncing off the living room walls. As he sang, more people squeezed their way into the room. I had to jab somebody with my elbow when they tried to push in front of me and block my view.
The band was off to a rough start with a lot of whining feedback but around the fourth song things seemed to settle into a tolerable rhythm and I found myself grooving to a familiar Teenage Head tune.
There was no way to hear myself think over the music. All I could do was stare at Griffin. Sweat was trickling down his face, salty little rivulets that gathered at his throat and soaked the neckline of his t-shirt.
I wasn’t the only one who noticed him. Every girl in the place was staring and clapping like crazy as one song ended and the next one began with frantic frequency. But they were out of luck because he was all mine.
I waited outside on the front steps of the house at the end of the night while Danielle went to the bathroom once last time. It felt good to be able to breathe again. The air was warm and would have been perfect except for the hint of funeral home bouquet in the breeze. The gardens all around me still had many flowers in bloom and I couldn’t escape the memory of Katherine’s funeral that suddenly slammed me. An oak coffin with a pale pink satin interior, my sister as cold and hard as a porcelain doll. If I lifted her eyelids, I would only see cold glass beads like some taxidermy exhibit.
“Fuck, look what the cat dragged in,” I heard close behind me. “I guess they’ll let anyone come to these things.”
I turned towards the voice and found myself face to face with Shelly Russell, surrounded by three friends. They stared down at me like I was some sort of bug they wanted to squish.
“Yeah,” I replied. “They didn’t have their quota of skanks yet, so they let you four in.” I stood up and started walking towards Griffin’s car.
“Look who’s talking,” Shelly said.
I couldn’t let this comment go unpunished. “Am I missing something? Because you don’t know me and you certainly don’t know my family or you wouldn’t be talking such bullshit.”
“Everybody knew you sister,” she said with a bitter laugh. “Everybody. If you know what I mean.” She put her hands on her hips and gave her obviously fake blonde hair a toss while her ever-present group of friends nodded in agreement. “Ask anybody, if you don’t believe me.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I took a few steps closer.
“Better let the football team know you’re available. Ever since your sister off-ed herself, they must be pretty horny since their eager supplier of blow jobs is out of the picture now.”
I could see a fist lash out and connect with a face but it was like I was floating up above my body, watching the whole scene in slow motion. I saw her nose shift a bit with the impact and blood started gushing but I didn’t feel a thing, like my hand wasn’t connected to the rest of me.
“You bitch,” she screamed. She lunged for me and took her own swing, her friends surrounding me in a tight circle.
All of sudden I felt hands on my shoulders, forcefully pulling me away from the other girl.
“Ladies, ladies. There’s plenty of me to go around,” Griffin said, trying to lighten the mood. “No need to fight.”
I shrugged off his embrace and stomped away towards his car. I knew coming to this party was a bad idea.
“Hey Ronnie, wait up!” he called to me as I slammed the passenger side door.
Griffin jumped into the car. “I’m only gone five minutes and you’re pounding the shit out of some girl. What gives?”
“It was nothing,” I said, staring out the window and not making eye contact.
“Bullshit. You gave the chick a bloody nose. What did she do to set you off?”
“You wouldn’t understand. I knew I shouldn’t have come tonight.”
“I’m glad you came. I think I even saw you enjoying yourself even though we were pretty rotten, I must admit.”
“I’m not in the mood to make nice right now, okay?” I replied. “Just get me out of here.”
Chapter Seven
Dad was sitting on the couch when I got home and Mom was crying. Things couldn’t be good. Shit, I knew I shouldn’t have gone to that stupid party.
“What’s going on?” I asked him. “Why are you here?”
Dad looked really upset, like he’d been crying too. “I served your Mom with divorce papers today. She didn’t take it well, as you can tell.”
“How long has she been crying?”
“All evening, I guess. I’ve been here a couple of hours now. She called my place and threatened to come over there, so I had to stop her. Meg is all upset too. Now I’ve got two crying women on my hands.” Dad sighed and looked down at his hands. He looked like a puppy that had just been kicked.
Even if he did look pathetic, it felt strange to have him here. I had gotten used to him being gone, even if my mother hadn’t. Now it felt like he was invading my space.
I sat on the recliner across from the couch and glared at him.
“You knew she still wanted to get back together with you. Did you really think she was going to be happy about getting a divorce?”
“No, of course not,” he replied. “I just want her to accept reality and move on. I have.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Oh you’ve moved on all right. You’ve got a nice new little family on the way and everything is peachy in your universe.”
Dad looked up at me sharply. “Is that what you think? That my life is perfect?”
“It seems that way to me. New life, new baby. It’s a clean slate for you. Now if only I would disappear, you’d have it made.”
“I can’t believe you feel that way,” he said, rising from the couch and approaching my chair. He tried to grab my hand but I shook him off. I was tired of his feeble attempts to be warm and fatherly.
“Why don’t you just go home and leave us alone? I’ll deal with Mom, like I always do.”
“That offer still stands, you know. I have a room all ready for you at my place. You’re welcome any time.”
“Sure I am, Dad. I bet Meg would be thrilled to have me. I’d be a built-in babysitter, oh joy.”
“You know that’s not why I want you to come, right?”
“I don’t know why, Dad. I don’t know anything anymore.”
Dad finally left. I had successfully guilted him out again. I would never move in with him. I knew he didn’t really want me around. With Katherine gone and me out of the picture, he could have a whole brand, new life. Lucky him.
Mom’s bedroom door was open and I could see her sprawled out on top of her comforter. Balls of used tissue dotted the carpet around the bed and a half-empty rye glass sat on her nightstand.
“Ronnie?” she called.
“Yeah, Mom. You okay?” I came over to the side of the bed. “Let’s get you under the blankets before you get cold. Go back to sleep.”
She struggled to sit up. “Oh shit. The room is spinning.”
“Get under the covers, Mom. You’ll be okay.”
After I got her tucked in, she smiled at me. “Thanks baby. It’
s been one hell of a day.”
“Don’t worry about it. We don’t need him anyway.”
Mom closed her eyes and sighed. “Easy for you to say, Ronnie. You’re a lot tougher than me. You’re handling everything so well and I’m a mess.”
“Just go to sleep. We’ll be okay.”
I couldn’t sleep. The house was too quiet and every little creak and groan made me jump. I went in to check on Mom every few minutes, just to make sure she was still breathing.
Once, when she was really drunk, I went in to check on her and she wasn’t moving. Totally comatose. It freaked me out so much that I went right up to her and cupped my hand around her nose to make sure she was still alive. Even then, it seemed like an awfully long time before I was sure she was okay. Since that night I’ve always been paranoid.
I’m sure she’d think I was nuts if she knew I sat at the end of her bed watching her sleep. I shouldn’t have to worry about things like death but I’ve learned how you want life to be and how it actually is are two totally different things. No wonder I was wide awake at two in the morning and staring out the kitchen window.
The nights are the worst for me. In the daytime, I can push everything that’s happened out of my mind, put on a happy face and go to school. People think I’m strong but that’s not really true. I’m just a good liar. If I let myself remember Katherine, if I think about what happened, then it feels like a huge lump of blackness is sitting right on my chest. I can hardly breathe and I have to claw my way out of my memories before I start to hyperventilate or pass out.
Maybe I shouldn’t stop myself after all. It would be nice to pass out and forget about everything, just shut my brain off for a while. It just hurts so much. Hurts to think. Hurts to breathe. Hurts to live.
When I turned around, Katherine was sitting at the kitchen table and running her fingers along the metal edge, all smooth and silvery. “Ronnie, you need some help. I know you’re hurting.”
“I’m fine. I’m just stuck in the middle of everything. Trying to keep Mom under control so she doesn’t go all ballistic on Dad and trying to get him to leave me alone. He keeps asking me to move to his house but I can’t. I can’t leave Mom right now.”