He ran his hands through his hair, trying to smooth out his side bangs. His dark eyes had that weird wistful quality to them and his cheeks were reddening lightly, so I knew he was thinking about Milo. I didn’t doubt that he really did care about my brother, but I just couldn’t seem to like him.
Well, that wasn’t even it exactly. I actually did kinda like Bobby, or I was starting to at least. I studied him closely, trying to figure out what about him was really bothering me. Was it just that he was Milo’s boyfriend and I wouldn’t like anybody he dated?
That’s when it finally dawned on me. I didn’t like Bobby because I didn’t like him. My first reaction to him had been suspicion. That had just been because I was surprised he was human, and I was protective of Milo. Dislike was perfectly reasonable, but I shouldn’t have been able to feel that way. Not if Milo and Bobby were really supposed to be together, the way my blood had been meant for Peter.
The reason everything had gotten so complicated with Jack and Peter was because of how fluid the bond is. Jack, Peter, and Ezra, and now Milo and I, were held together by a similar blood bond.
Milo and I were especially bonded because we were siblings in real life as well as in vampires. That meant I should have a great affinity for whoever he was bonded with. It would be impossible for me to hate who he was meant for, and yet, I had instantly disliked Bobby.
I understood transference in all of this. I had broken my bond with Peter, and I knew that love could be stronger than blood. But that probably wasn’t the case with Bobby. He was just a nice guy that Milo would be into for awhile, but not forever.
I suddenly felt sorry for Bobby, because, Milo would break his heart. Not the other way around.
“And you don’t have to worry about us,” Bobby was saying, drawing me from my thoughts. He tired of trying to straighten out his hair and flipped up the hood of his sweater. I hadn’t really been listening to him, so I just stared, hoping he would elaborate. “I mean, Milo, I guess. He’s not like that guy Jane was with, and I’m not like her, either. That’s not our thing. ”
“No, I get that,” I nodded. Maybe at first the idea had crossed my mind, but I didn’t think so anymore.
“I understand the appeal of her lifestyle. It’s something that you can fall into pretty easily. ” Bobby twisted the drawstring to his hood around and looked at the ground.
I had a feeling that despite all his protests, it was a lifestyle that Bobby had come precariously close to getting into, and when things ended with Milo, there was an even greater chance that that’s how he would end up. Thanks to Milo, he’d be even more hooked on the feel of being bitten.
“So, you know what it’s like, probably better than anyone in the house. ” I leaned across the island, looking at him more intently. “You get where Jane is coming from. If the situation were reversed, if you were a bloodwhore, what could somebody say to get you to stop?”
“That’s a good question. ” He exhaled and stared off, thinking. “I don’t know really. As long as it still feels good, it’s a pretty hard thing to convince somebody to stop. I think it has to start hurting her, and then you have to keep reminding her how much it hurts. ”
“How does it hurt her?” I asked. “I know that it’s killing her, but she’s unaware of that. Like, any time she feels like crap, she just gets bit, and then feels better, right?”
“Not exactly,” Bobby shook his head. “Immediately after, you feel really good. But shortly after that is when you feel the worst. The loss of blood really damages your body, and you start to feel what it’s going through. And you have the residuals of the vampire you’re with, and if she is picking up random guys at the club, they’re probably dicks. Meaning she’s left with none of the euphoria but all of their emotions and how they feel about you, which is usually pretty shitty.
“It’s after that, after the bad feelings fade and you get your strength back, that’s when you go back to the club,” he went on. “You forget how bad they made you feel, how incredibly weak you were, and for some reason, all you can remember is the pleasure of the bite. ”
“Huh. ” I eyed him up, and he noticed, so he shrugged sheepishly. “Not that your information hasn’t been helpful, but I’m starting to think you picked up a lot more vampires than you let on. ”
“It’s different with Milo,” Bobby insisted with a wounded look in his eyes. “Honest. You don’t have to believe me, but it’s more than biting and fooling around. So… Please don’t tell him, okay? He knows that he’s not the first vampire I was with, but he doesn’t know how many were before him. I don’t want him to think that’s what this is about, because it’s not. ”
“I won’t tell him unless I think it’s relevant. So just don’t make it relevant,” I said, staring at him evenly. He nodded, realizing that was about the most he could get from me.
“This is a pretty awesome place,” Bobby said, changing the subject. He moved onto making coffee, and the coffee maker looked brand new. Mae had probably bought it especially for him, so he must not be all bad if she approved of him. “And Mae is amazing. How is she doing today?”
“I haven’t seen her. ” I looked over my shoulder toward her room, and I tried to listen for the sound of her over the coffee pot gurgling, but I couldn’t hear anything. “Have you?”
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“No, but if Ezra left, I didn’t think it would be that bad,” Bobby said.
The kitchen smelled completely of coffee, and I felt an odd pang of knowing I couldn’t have any. I had never really liked coffee, but I loved the smell of it. My stomach gave me a sharp pain, reminding me that I didn’t want any of that anyway.
Bobby suddenly seemed to smell stronger, and I pushed it back. This was just my body’s attempts to convince me I was hungry, but I shouldn’t be yet, and even if I was, I had to learn to get control of my hunger instead of letting it control me.
“You okay?” Bobby asked.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. ” I shook my head to clear it. “I think I’m just gonna get a shower. But, um, it was nice talking to you, and I’ll see you later. ”
“Yeah, alright,” Bobby said, but he still looked worried.
When I went upstairs, Matilda followed me again. She assumed that every time I went anywhere, Jack would be waiting. Maybe I spent too much time with him.
Although lately, it wasn’t really feeling like I spent any time with him. I had just gotten back from a trip, and then he left. In his room, with all his things, my heart throbbed at the thought of him. Matilda jumped on his bed, covering his blankets with her white fur, and sniffing about, as if he was hidden amongst them.
I sighed and started rummaging around the room for something to change into. I’d most likely spend the day watching TV or reading or something. Nothing worth getting gussied up for. Maybe if I was lucky, I could get Milo and Bobby to hang out with me, if they weren’t too busy with each other.
What kind of cruel world was it where my little brother got to have sex and mess around with his boyfriend any time he wanted, and my boyfriend was stuck sleeping in the den every night? Sure, I was still sorely lacking in self-control, whereas Milo had always been a master of that, but come on!
While Jack was gone, I vowed to work on getting myself under control, so when he came back, we could move onto the next phase of our relationship. Namely, the really fun stuff.
Instead of doing anything fun, I spent my time curled up in Mae’s bed with her. She was unnaturally quiet, so we mostly sat in silence. Milo came in her room later on, and that helped. He was always much better in a crisis than I was, and for some reason, he was incredibly close to her. I think that maybe he was her favorite, but that didn’t bother me so much. I was Jack’s favorite, and that’s all that really mattered.
Bobby didn’t feel comfortable hanging out with Mae when she was like that, and that made sense. She was nearly inconsolable, and he hadn’t known her that long. I ended up making an escape once Milo h
ad her sitting up.
He put on Houseboat starring Raquel Welch on her TV, and that got her talking about her plans to buy a houseboat someday. Her cheeks were puffy from crying, but I hadn’t seen a real tear in hours. With Milo there, she had even hinted at a smile a few times.
That left me to further bond with Bobby. We played some war game on the Xbox, which I seriously sucked at, but he didn’t yell at me once. When I played with Jack, he could usually manage about twenty minutes of it before suggesting that I sit out a turn and let Milo play instead. It was nice being tolerated and killing Nazis.
Before going to bed, I called and texted Jane a few times. She didn’t answer or reply, but I hadn’t expected anything different. I’m pretty sure she was pissed at me, although I didn’t know why.
Maybe she hated me for introducing her to vampires, or maybe she hated me for not introducing her sooner. I don’t know. She was usually easy to get a read on. Her life revolved around boys, clothes, and getting drunk or high. I hadn’t interfered with any of those things before today, so she didn’t have anything to hold against me.
Jack texted me letting me know he loved me and they’d be getting on a plane soon. I thought about staying up to wait for him, but then I figured that falling asleep would make the time go faster. I crawled in his bed and couldn’t wait for him to get back.
I felt him the instant he came in the house. My heart pounded with happiness, and I opened my eyes.
- 17 -
As soon as I stepped out of my room, I heard them arguing. They weren’t shouting, but they weren’t doing anything to be quiet either. I wanted to run down and greet Jack, but I decided to wait at the top of the steps, eavesdropping.
“Oh, come on, Jack!” Peter said, sounding frustrated. “I did not take your pillow!”
“You did too!” Jack insisted. “You were flirting with the stewardess and conned her into giving you the last pillow on the plane, which happened to be mine. ”
“Even if that is true, I didn’t know it was the last pillow. And she shouldn’t have given it to me if it was your pillow,” Peter said. “And I think they prefer the term ‘flight attendant. ’”
“Or, maybe, just maybe, you could’ve given me that pillow when you realized what she had done,” Jack said, ignoring Peter. “Maybe she was a shitty stewardess, but you saw what happened. You could’ve done the right thing for once in your life. ”
“Why? I wanted the pillow, and I had the pillow. It didn’t have your name on it. Why should I give it to you?” Peter asked. “Or are you the only one allowed to take things?”
“I didn’t take anything!” Jack snapped. “I had one blanket and no pillows. What exactly was there for me to take?”
“I don’t know, Jack. What in the world could you have possibly taken that didn’t belong to you?” Peter replied icily, and I could hear both of their heartbeats speed up.
“Will the pair of you knock it off?” Ezra asked warily. From the sounds of it, they were somewhere near the bottom of the steps, in the kitchen maybe, but Ezra was walking past, going to his room. “People are sleeping, and I am so sick of hearing about the damn pillow. ”
“It’s not about the damn pillow,” Peter said.
“Why don’t you tell me what this is really about?” Jack asked, but he knew exactly what it was about. I was getting a hint myself, and it made me nervous.
“I know you two are having some kind of … scuffle, but so help me, if either one of you wake up Mae or disturb her in any way, you’ll be sorry. Do I make myself clear?” Ezra warned them.
There was silence, then I heard Ezra walking down the hall to his room. Jack and Peter waited until they heard his bedroom door shut before speaking.
“You’re an asshole,” Jack said when Ezra was gone.
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“You’re the asshole!” Peter whispered fiercely.
“I just wanted a pillow!”
“I just wanted you to leave her alone!” Peter shouted.
The silence felt too thick, and my heart was barely beating, which was good, because I didn’t want them to know I was listening. I thought that maybe I should interrupt and stop them from whatever they might do, but they had to hash this out eventually. They hadn’t really spoken through everything that had transpired, and they had to have a lot of things bottled up.
“But I didn’t. Now what do you want me to do about it?” Jack tried to keep his voice calm, but there was a definite edge to it. “Is stealing my pillow really making it even?”
“God dammit, Jack! Will you shut up about the fucking pillow?”
“What do you want me to do? What’s done is done!” Jack started shouting but remembered Ezra’s warning and quieted down. “Seriously. I don’t know what you expect me to do at this point. I can’t change what’s happened, and frankly, I don’t want to. So… that’s what it is. ”
“I don’t want anything from you,” Peter sighed, sounding defeated. “Just never mind. Next time I’ll make sure you get a damn pillow on the plane. ”
I had expected them to continue talking for longer, but I was wrong. Peter turned to climb the stairs, his bag slung over his shoulder, and I didn’t have a chance to hide. When he saw me, his expression was blank. I smiled sheepishly at him, but he just exhaled and came up the stairs.
“Good morning, Alice,” Peter said louder than he needed to, letting Jack know that I had been spying on them. “You should’ve come down and said hello. ”
“I just woke up. ”
“Mmm, yes, I’m sure you did. ” He opened his bedroom door, but I stopped him.
“Peter, I’m really sorry,” I said.
“You’re not the one that needs to apologize. ” He looked at me for a minute, his eyes uncharacteristically vulnerable, then he glanced down the steps. The French doors off the kitchen suddenly slammed shut as Jack went outside with the dog. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to get some rest. It was a very long flight. ”
“It sounds like it. ” I attempted to make a joke, but he just turned and went into his room, closing his bedroom door quietly behind him.
I sighed and went downstairs. Jack’s irritation was no longer just directed at Peter. Somehow me apologizing to him was a slight against Jack. I hated the idea that they were two teams, and I always had to pick one side or I’d be deemed an enemy.
Jack opened the shades over the French doors to step outside, and bright sunlight streamed in. I hadn’t slept very much to begin with, and the sight of the sun made me want to curl up in bed again.
Outside, Jack ignored his own fatigue. He stood on the stone patio, his hands shoved in his pockets, and watched Matilda root around for some long gone animal. It was wonderfully cold when I stepped out, contrasting with the warm fall day depicted out the window.
“So it was a long flight?” I asked, wrapping my arms around me as I walked up to him.
“Yeah, but I’m sure Peter feels much better now that you apologized to him. ”
“He deserves an apology,” I bristled.
“How can you even say that?” Jack whirled on me, his face contorted with pain and confusion. “After everything you’ve been through-”
“We both know what happened. You don’t need to rehash it every time I mention Peter’s name. ” A cool breeze picked up, blowing my hair across my face, and I pushed it back behind my ears.
“This is just so ridiculous!” He shook his head. “Shit happened, stuff that I apparently can’t talk about, but it happened. And still, you wanted to go off and risk your life to rescue him, and I said fine. For some stupid reason, I let you go. ”
“You don’t ‘let’ me do anything, and you know it,” I glared at him.
“Whatever. I didn’t protest. You said you wanted to go, for… God, why, Alice? Why would you want to do that? Why are you always defending him? He doesn’t deserve any apology! He doesn’t even deserve to be alive! And you just bring him
back here like nothing ever happened? And for that, I am supposed to apologize to him?” Jack looked at me incredulously. “That is so fucked up! I love you! Why do I need to tell him I’m sorry for that when I’m not?”
“Because he loved me too, and I wasn’t yours!” I shouted, and he flinched.
He looked away from me, squinting up at the sun, and I wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to say. Rubbing the back of his neck, he fell silent for a minute.
“I saw you first,” Jack mumbled.
“You cannot use that as an argument. ” I rolled my eyes. “I’m not the last piece of pizza. I’m a person, and I chose you. You have me. He doesn’t. Peter has nothing, and he’s your brother. And I know before all this, you cared about him, too. So now he lost me and you. I’m not sorry that I love you, but I am sorry that he had to get hurt in the process. ”
“I know you’re right,” Jack said thickly. “But I can’t forgive him. Fighting for you, I understand. Trying to kill me, I totally get that. But when he tried to kill you… I can’t ever forgive him for that, and I shouldn’t have to. ”
I touched his arm gently, and his blue eyes were swimming when he looked at me. I chewed my lip, trying to decide whether or not I should tell him. I felt like I was breaking Peter’s confidence, but if it could get the two of them to stop hating each other, then maybe it was worth it.
“Peter never tried to kill me. ”
“I was there!” Jack was irritated. “You can’t tell me that didn’t happen. ”
“No, it did, but not exactly the way you think. When Peter bit me, he knew you were in the house. You had fought before when you thought he was going to hurt me. He knew you’d never let something happen to me,” I explained quietly. “He was counting on you to rush in and save me, and he thought that you’d be too angry to let him live. Peter wasn’t trying to kill me; he was trying to kill himself. ”
“No…” Jack shook his head and his face completely fell. “No. That’s not… Because if he did that, that would mean he…”
Realization flashed across his face, and he looked at everything in a new light. All the things Peter did had seemed cold and cruel were all really for me, and even Jack. Peter had been trying to let me go since the day he met me because he thought I’d be happier without him.
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Jack never let himself believe that Peter loved me because he loved Peter. He respected him and never wanted to go against him. Then I came into the picture, and the only way Jack could reconcile his own feelings for me was by assuming Peter could never feel the same way.
Jack truly believed he was the one that was meant to be with me, not Peter, and that made all his actions and behavior okay. But if Peter loved me as much as he did, then Jack suddenly became the villain in his story instead of the hero.