Chapter Seven
The safe-house was a small two bedroom ranch that had seen better days. The paint was peeling and weeds were growing in the cracks of the cement. There was a single garage attached to the house, but when they opened it, they found it to be full of various pieces of equipment and garbage left by the people in charge of maintaining it. It obviously had become a storage facility for someones operation.
The inside was dusty and old, but tidy enough. The furniture was from the seventies; all brass and glass with orange and brown shag carpet. They all had a good laugh when they walked in and quickly set to getting things in order; plugging in the refrigerator, unpacking food, and getting something ready for dinner. Michael and Agent Spencer were to sleep in the bedrooms, while Agent Gonzales would take the couch. He was actually fine with this as he was able to unpack and arrange all of his electrical gadgetry on the glass coffee table. Everyone was exhausted. So, when dinner was done and everyone was settled in enough, agent Gonzales laid on the couch and watched a movie on his laptop while Michael and Agent Spencer sat motionless at the dining table and stared at the black nighttime refection in the back sliding glass doors.
“Director Peirce recently said to me that there is more truth in the flow of information than there is in the information itself. And, then he said that we were all going to have to make choices about what we want to be true, or something like that. I think he was trying to tell me something, but I am not sure what.”
Michael thought for a moment, “That is a very enlightened statement,.. about the flow of information. I'm sure he meant it politically, but it applies on deeper levels. What is more real, the telephone or the words being passed over it. I think, politically, he was telling you that people were saying one thing and doing another. And, since actions speak louder than words, eventually you are going to have to make a choice as to which information you are going to act on. Are you going to act on what people are saying, or what they are doing. This has been the battle of my life, to build the confidence to act on the information that I was getting that no one else acknowledged to be real. So, I can tell you from experience that people will fight you if you choose to act on information they are not ready to be responsible for... People these days are more than happy to be responsible for their words, but not their actions,.. and the space in between is where the Devil lives.”
Agent Spencer let out a little exhausted laugh, “I'm sorry, but more and more I get the sense that you should be a professor somewhere with a Phd and everything.”
He smiled, “Like my Grandfather.”
“I think he would be proud of you.”
Michael nodded in agreement and said absently, “Pride is the opposite of guilt. One of his favorite sayings. He would tell me that the most important thing was to be proud of your self.”
They sat quietly for a while, both enjoying the quiet and relaxation.
“You know, I always thought that my brother was watching out for me, but in a very strange way that I never understood. I think I understand better now.”
“You brother?”
“I' m sorry. Yes,.. my youngest brother is autistic...”
Michael leaned back and let out a big laugh that briefly got the attention of agent Gonzales through his headphones. “That explains it.”
“Explains what?”
“For years you have stood out from the crowd because you felt familiar to me... Now I realize that you feel like my sister. The drive to succeed, and the use of that success to avoid certain feelings.”
Agent Spencer looked at the edge of the table, slowly losing control of her face as tears started to flow down her cheeks. As Michael watched with understanding, she struggled to speak but kept getting caught up in her quiet sobs. Finally, she was able to quietly say, “I never stood up for him. When things got tough I just ran away and hid in my room and buried myself in my studies.”
Michael let a moment pass so that she can get passed the wave of emotion that was washing through her. “It's OK. It is not your fault. People are not responsible for what they do not understand,..” and then he said, speaking almost to himself, “but once we understand it, we must own it. It is why experience is the foundation of understanding. We all, invariably, will work ourselves into a place where the experience of failure will teach us of new responsibilities that we were previously unaware of.”
They sat quietly while Agent Spencer slowly pulled herself together. Eventually she got up and said goodnight to Michael and waved at Agent Gonzales, who waved back, and went into her room.
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Michael remained at the dining table perfectly still. Agent Spencer had gone to bed and Agent Gonzales was watching a movie on his laptop. It was a very strange sensation for Michael. With all that had been going on, he did not feel like moving at all, his mind drifted and wandered but his body remained perfectly still. He wondered if it was fatigue, or something else, a side effect of his new found freedom; the ability to sit still and peacefully, patiently processing his thoughts without losing himself to them. He sat and stared at the glass doors and the blackness that was behind them.
Despite the repose, he was still a little worried about what he was to do next. He felt like he had been given something of great importance; something of great power. Even if it was not true, even if there was no power in him, how does a person cope with the feeling? Michael closed his eyes and an image came into his mind of a man sitting cross legged in a peaceful, meditative posture. The background of the image slowly came into clear focus and, as it did, the image of the man changed. The background became a large expansive tree and the man morphed into what he guessed to be the Buddha sitting under it. Then the tree slowly shifted into an elaborate stone temple and the man became an elderly Asian man with long white hair. Michael had no idea who it was, but he guessed it could be Confucius. While he was thinking of the people it could have been the background shifted again into a desert, and the man became Jesus.
Michael opened his eyes and continued to stare out into the darkness without moving. The image of Jesus peacefully meditating in the desert had stuck in his mind and the thought gave birth to other thoughts, which worked together to build ideas. He remembered his Grandfather telling him about the forty days that Jesus fasted and meditated in the desert. Actually, Michael was lying on the floor and drawing in his pad of paper while his Grandfather was sitting in his chair lecturing the television news about politics and how leaders should behave, but Michael was his audience. “During his forty days in the desert the Devil tempted Jesus three times.” Michael was always in awe at how his Grandfather's voice projected, even when he was just talking to one person. He couldn't imagine what he was like in a lecture hall in front of hundreds of students. “Here, it is safe to assume that the Devil is a metaphor for our animal past. Our animal past that stands apposed to the possible future that is represented by God. That is to say, at any given moment all humans have the choice to either allow themselves to react like an animal, to fall under the influence of the Devil, or to overcome their reactions and aspire to be more. To choose to respond in a way that helps manifest our possible future. So, while Jesus was fasting and meditating in the desert for forty days, the Devil came to try and break his will by tempting him with reactions of our animal past.
“The first temptation was the Devil telling Jesus that he could turn the stones into loves of bread to sate his hunger. This is a metaphor that teaches us two things; the first is to not use our gifts and powers to serve ourselves alone, and the second is that the path to our possible future requires suffering and that if we alleviate all of our suffering out of base animalistic reaction we will not grow or evolve. Jesus would not have achieved what he set out to accomplish by fasting for forty days if he simply made the stones into bread. If we wish to live in a more civilized, more humane society, we much choose to live without so much convenience, so much security. We must make sacrifices that include putting our cell phones down for a while and paying attention to
the immediate world around us. We must make the sacrifices that come with reducing our oil consumption and electricity use. Certainly it is not the easy thing to do, but that is why the idea of sacrifice is so important.
“The second temptation was the Devil telling Jesus that he could jump from the highest temple to make the Angels catch him. You see, God had charged the angels to always protect Jesus, thus the Devil suggested to Jesus that he use their protection to show the rest of the world who he was and to respect his authority. He declined the temptation for a simple reason. It is wrong to flaunt our gifts and powers in front of others because they have a great potential of reacting to the display of authority. To flaunt authority is to invite a reaction to that display, and if it was the goal of Jesus was to show people how to choose away from reaction and elevate themselves above their animalistic desires, then taunting them with a blatant and childish display of power and authority would work against him... he would have reacted in a way that worked against his own goals. Our politicians would learn much from this lesson since our foreign policy is dominated by issues created by this country flaunting is power. The United States flaunts power and authority in the face of the world and then spends all of its energy reacting to the reactions of all the other countries. It is a practical display of a simple concept; we have to be the people we want our neighbors to be, just as we have to be the workers we want our employees to be, the leaders we want our politicians to be, and even the lovers we want our spouses to be. Right now, we behave like children, then scoff and accuse the world of reacting to us like children.
“The third temptation was the Devil taking Jesus to the top of a mountain and telling him that he could be the ruler of all that he sees if he simply bowed down and worshiped the Devil. This is the one that burns me Michael. All these politicians making themselves subservient to corporations and billionaires, all these people selling themselves short, fighting like animals for a dollar bill, and then claiming that it is only natural that they do so. It is doubt and insecurity that rules them, and then they build a rationalization to excuse their insecurity. If you remember anything your old Grand Pa says remember this;.. what we have been given in this life is ours and we do not owe a single person for it. You are who you are Michael, and you are here to be you... No matter what anyone says about it.”
Michael had to wipe a tear rolling down his cheek at the vivid memory of his Grandfather. In his mind his Grandfather went on, “there are so many things that constantly test our doubt and insecurity. The bankers tell us that if we bow down to them, they will give us everything we want. The politicians tell us that if we bow down to them, they will make the world a better place. And, the generals will tell us that if we bow down to them, they will give us the world to build the way we want to. But, the trick is that no one has that power... no one can do such a thing. We have all been given a life to live and we do not owe a single person on Earth for it. The best we can do is to share what we have been given without (holding up his index finger) serving ourselves, (adding his middle finger) flaunting what we have been given, and (adding his ring finger) giving ourselves to someone else.... giving power over our gifts to someone else.” His Grandfather had become aware of his agitation and got up form his chair and walked to the kitchen. With his backed turned there were words, but his memory could not form them fully. When he got into the kitchen his Grandfather turned around and his echoing voice reached him clearly again. “This is the danger of money and materialism Michael – money is a tool of insecurity. Money is a device we use to convince ourselves that we have no value. To have value in this world that we have built here today, a person needs money, not the gifts that God has given them. And if we believe such a thing, we end up doing whatever we can to get money, and then we are bowing down to the Devil. Bowing down to our animal past.” With this memory Michael let out a little laugh because it was always around this point that his grandfather realized that, despite the walk to the kitchen, he was ranting and tried to back pedal and make sure that he was not being too fanatical. “Now Michael, you know that I am just going on like I do, and you know that I am not speaking literally. We cannot know if there is a God or not, but it is an idea that people can use to elevate themselves. People use the idea of God to gather together and build better communities, to reach greater heights, to become better people, and most importantly,.. to allow them to share themselves. But, don't worry about all that. Just remember that you are who you are, and you do not owe anybody for it.” His Grandfather came back into the den and turned off the television and stood in front of Michael. “I have said this before and I will say it again. If there is one thing I know for sure it is that the history of human thought comes down to nothing more than the battle for control of our own self image... for our own sense of value. Clever people are always coming up with all sorts of new elaborate arguments to convince you that they have greater value and you should do what they tell you. They will say that they have more money, they are smarter, better looking, more athletic. They will go on and on about being of a race that is better than all the rest, one nation better than all others, or a member of a certain club, or their religion gives them greater value. They will tell all sorts of stories to justify their insecurity to claim that their insecurity has more value than your confidence. In your life, you specifically Michael, you will always hear that your behavior means that you are of lesser value. Never accept that!” His grandfather turned to look out the window. He said absently, “Every now and then, however, someone will come along and show that all those stories are nothing but slavery.” His Grandfather was quiet for a moment. “One day you will find your own value; you will find the thing that gives you strength and makes you who you are. When you do, when you find it, just remember; don't use it to serve yourself, don't flaunt it in front of others – especially in any effort to claim that you are better because of it - and don't think you owe anyone for it. If there is a God and he made you the way you are, he did it for a reason, and it is highly doubtful that that reason was for you to spend you life on your knees praying to him. Just be yourself and do what you think is right... Now, let's get the hell out of this house and enjoy the day before I give myself a stroke.”
Michael wiped another tear from his eye as he thought that he did not owe anything to his Grandfather for him being who he was, but he did owe him for his ability to know it. He owed his Grandfather for was awareness of his own value.
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Michael had gone to bed and was lying awake thinking. He felt more confident after the memories of his Grandfather. He didn't know what he was going to do exactly, but he was feeling better about letting things roll forward. What he was actually thinking about was the experience of the waking dream; the images of the meditating man that came before the memory of his Grandfather.
It wasn't the first time that such a thing had happened to him, but he always found them interesting. Michael was a prolific dreamer and his theories about dreams were heavily influenced by these experiences with the visions, or images that he had when awake. Actually, his theories all stem from the memory of a particular experience as a child when he had fallen asleep with the television on. The dream he had was frantic and unintelligible. So out of the ordinary for Michael. When he woke up it was clear to him that it was the sounds of the television that fueled his chaotic dreams; that his brain was trying to interpret the signals it was receiving while he was asleep. There were other times when he was young that he experienced similar things – sleeping in the car, and so forth – and none of it really concerned him until later, when he started to try and figure things out for himself.
Michael had categorized three types of dreams that he had experienced. The first type were the very light and quick dreams that he could never really remember. To him, those dreams were nothing more than his brain processing information; just like the psychologists said. They are the dreams that he would see a dog having. However, the level of a dogs consciousness limited them
to only that type of dream. The human brain had evolved further. The second type of dreams were longer and well organized, like little movie vignettes, and were always accompanied with an emotional signature. But, most importantly, these dreams always made some sort of sense to him because they had context with what was happening in his life. Michael always remembered these dreams. They were real to him. His theory was that these dreams were his brain trying to interpret his own emotions that he was feeling at the time. Which stood in contrast to the third type of dreams that he had. These dreams were exactly like the second type of dream except for the fact that the emotional signature and the content of the dream never made any sense to him. It was his theory that these dreams were his brain trying to interpret the emotions that he was feeling from someone else. He had no definitive proof of this himself, but he had plenty of circumstantial stories. Michael's theory is that everyone has the first type of dream regularly, the dog dream. And most people will experience the second type of dream, but fall into two groups; those who pay attention to them, and those who do not. Only people who are very sensitive, like Michael, will experience the third type of dream, and of those, only the ones who are paying attention and working on understanding them will develop the ability to have waking dreams. Michael was convinced that dreams were the first stage in the next step in the evolution of our consciousness. The dreams that dogs have are the precursor to dogs becoming conscious. And the evolution of consciousness, at our level, was something that could be aided and improved upon with understanding and training.
Lying awake in bed, Michael was wondering if his recent waking dream was his tired brain trying to interpret his own emotions, or if his Grandfather was trying to help him. The dream made complete sense to him so he logically leaned towards it being his own emotions – but he hoped. He didn't know where he stood with the existence of God, but he hoped there was someone out ahead of him – leading the way, maybe leaving a breadcrumb or two. In his own life, and in his own way, he had discovered that there was more to himself than anyone had known. He hoped that what he had discovered and experienced was only the tip of the iceberg. Even if it was just a part of his brain making an emotional recording of his Grandfather to play back when he needed it, that would show that there was still something more to uncover and understand about his own experiences. His Grandfather would tell him that metaphysical thought was a good way to pass idle time, but he should take the precautions to never get lost in it. Michael was happy for this idle time.
At some point in all his musings, Michael fell asleep.
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