*****
For four nights, he stayed at the inn. He had nowhere to go anymore. When he had opened up his laptop to check him email, he found that he had been fired from his job.
That didn’t matter. None of it did.
He went back to the social network and eagerly waited for when she would come online. The second night she did, but briefly. She posted a short note on how she wished people from her past would stay in the past. Nothing more.
The next morning, she had twenty comments from her friends, comforting her and telling her that they would be there for her. Two of her male friends told her to call the police. Apparently they knew about what had happened to her boyfriend. He hated them. He went over to check their profiles and was half-relieved to find that they were married. But they did hang out with the woman he was still in live with.
The fifth night, she came online again and he let his fingers graze over the keyboard. Notifications of her playing one of the games popped up and he twisted his bottom lip between his thumb and forefinger, contemplating on whether or not to chat with her. He could pretend to be someone else again and be friends with her. He would gain her confidence and reel her back in. She would have to love him.
He typed a greeting and waited impatiently as the seconds passed. Slowly the minutes passed too and he tapped his fingers on the table. A half-eaten sandwich lay on his side, but he had no appetite. He picked up a bottle of water, took a swig and almost choked when she replied back.
Messages were sent back and forth about how they were doing and how the rains were hindering their outdoor plans. Then she asked him what he did for a living.
He started to type one of his planned lies and then stopped. His eyes went up to her profile picture- the one with her and her boyfriend in a restaurant. They were side by side, hugging and raising their glasses in cheers.
Are you there?
She typed those words and he stared at them. Was he really there? Within himself? With her? Had he truly ever been there for her?
That’s’ when it hit him. He hadn’t really been there. He was always around her and had made her spend time with him, but had he really cared about what she wanted?
Leaning back in his chair, he pressed his hands to his eyes. In his mind, he saw her laughing when they had first met. He saw her laughter multiply when he had asked her out. They had been so happy for months and she had been practically ecstatic when he had asked her to move in.
The next step was to marry her and he knew that she had known that all too well.
Then she had cheated on him.
He kept hearing the ping! Of new messages, yet he couldn’t free himself from his own thoughts. How had he not seen what he had done to her?
He remembered coming home one day from the bookstore, intent on going taking her out for a special dinner to celebrate his promotion. She had been sick to her stomach and he had seen it from her pallid face how ill she really was.
But that hadn’t stopped him from forcing her to dress up in a new short dress which had left her feeling cold. He had wanted to celebrate and it didn’t matter if she were up to it or not. Throughout dinner, she had tried her best to force herself to have fun and her effort was apparent, but when he had wanted to go for a long walk by the beach afterwards, she had put her foot down and said a firm no.
He opened his eyes, shocked and breathless by his own memories. He remembered now what he had done. The words, the yelling and the accusations were all to well etched in his mind even though he had covered it all up carefully beneath several layers of denial, so that he could feel good about himself. He had made her cry and when they went back home she had gotten sicker.
That didn’t make him want to care for her. He had slept the night away and the next morning was still miffed with her. That should have been the only one incident to shame him, but the events of the night he had beaten up her new boyfriend, awoke other memories.
He had been cruel to her, putting his needs always before her. A bad day at the office meant he could hurl insults at her when he came home. She had taken it all in stride and tried to even calm him down. Sometimes it would work, other times…
Other times he would hurt her. He kept staring at her profile picture and clutched the table hard in his hands until his knuckles turned white. He had hit her arm once. There had barely been a bruise, but he had hit her intentionally.
Another time, she had forgotten to cook his favorite dish and he had thrown a bowl towards her. It hadn’t hit her. But one of the shards had scratched her skin. The next day he had managed to cajole her and she had forgiven him. Sometimes he would get her flowers to placate her, but mostly he would say loving words that he seldom meant.
Helloooo?
She was still writing to him and he felt only shame. She was being a good friend to someone she didn’t even know and he had been a terrible boyfriend. He had hurt her, nearly destroyed her. But she had managed to pick herself up and without throwing any accusations at him, walked out the door through grace and resilience.
She was happy now in her new life and he was destroying it again. He was decay in her happiness and if he loved her- if he truly loved her…
He pushed away from the table and got up. He wanted to punch something- the walls, the terrible painting of a boat in placid waters, the windows- anything that would make the pain of his own wrongdoings lessen in his heart.
Behind him, the sounds of a new message popping up, continued. Squeezing his eyes shut, he made the one decision he should have made a long time ago. Turning on his heels, he didn’t even sit down as he typed.
“I need to confess something.” He typed.
“What?”
His breath hitched in his throat. His fingers felt cold and numb and a part of him still told him to stop. There was still a slim chance that she would come back to him. He couldn’t live without her, but he had to let her live.
“You know who I am.”
For several minutes she didn’t write anything. Then-
“Really? Who are you?”
He could sense the fear she must have felt while typing that. Part of her already knew and she was waiting for a confirmation. He gave her what she needed. He told her the truth.
Without looking at the screen, he typed swiftly, revealing everything he had done to come find her in the new city and then follow her around. When he was done, his breathing was ragged, but his shoulders and chest felt airy. Looking up cautiously, he saw that she hadn’t typed a single word throughout his message.
“Forgive me.” He typed.
Tears pricked his eyes when he waited twenty whole minutes before she finally replied.
“No.”
If his heart had broken before, it was completely shattered now. He pleaded with her, asking her to forgive him and move on with her life. He said he loved her and the thought of staying away from her was killing him but he was still ready to walk away from her.
She was adamant. They argued like they had never done before or they should have done before. It felt impersonal doing it online, but if that what it took to end this, then he didn’t care.
It was four in the morning when she finally abated.
“I have to think about this.” She told him.
“Don’t. I am gone from your life forever.”
He apologized for what he had done to her and her new boyfriend. He answers came in only one and two words. By the next hour, she was opening up to him and telling him how hurt and alone she had felt when she was with him. He apologized again and this time she forgave him. An hour later, he realized it was time to say goodbye to her forever. He told her that and promised her she would never see him again. He would also be deleting his pseudo account.
She wished him all the best and he knew she didn’t really mean it. Then she sent him a message which took him by surprise.
“Before you go, how about we meet up one last time. To say goodbye.”
He wanted to say yes immediately but he wondered how much he could really take seeing her moving on with a life that didn’t have him in it. Saying goodbye and taking the decision to walk out was hard as it is, but seeing her would crumble him completely.
She was waiting for his answer and he had none he wanted to give. He started to press down on the ‘N’ key, when he found himself typing a 'yes'.
She cared for him after everything he had done to her and he reminded himself again of how much he didn’t deserve her.
“I don’t want to intrude in your life anymore.” He said. “So how about we meet near the cliffs. After that I could take the main road that would take me back home. I could leave straight away.”
She was in agreement with his plan and they said their goodbyes. They would meet in twelve hours and until then they would sleep.
He went over to his bed and lay down. But no sleep came.