In the early chapters of the arithmetic, their identityis concealed under the names John, William, and Henry,and they wrangle over the division of marbles. In algebrathey are often called X, Y, Z. But these are only theirChristian names, and they are really the same people.
Now to one who has followed the history of these menthrough countless pages of problems, watched them intheir leisure hours dallying with cord wood, and seentheir panting sides heave in the full frenzy of fillinga cistern with a leak in it, they become something morethan mere symbols. They appear as creatures of flesh andblood, living men with their own passions, ambitions,and aspirations like the rest of us. Let us view them inturn. A is a full-blooded blustering fellow, of energetictemperament, hot-headed and strong-willed. It is he whoproposes everything, challenges B to work, makes thebets, and bends the others to his will. He is a man ofgreat physical strength and phenomenal endurance. He hasbeen known to walk forty-eight hours at a stretch, andto pump ninety-six. His life is arduous and full of peril.A mistake in the working of a sum may keep him digginga fortnight without sleep. A repeating decimal in theanswer might kill him.
B is a quiet, easy-going fellow, afraid of A and bulliedby him, but very gentle and brotherly to little C, theweakling. He is quite in A's power, having lost all hismoney in bets.
Poor C is an undersized, frail man, with a plaintiveface. Constant walking, digging, and pumping has brokenhis health and ruined his nervous system. His joylesslife has driven him to drink and smoke more than is goodfor him, and his hand often shakes as he digs ditches.He has not the strength to work as the others can, infact, as Hamlin Smith has said, "A can do more work inone hour than C in four."
The first time that ever I saw these men was one eveningafter a regatta. They had all been rowing in it, and ithad transpired that A could row as much in one hour asB in two, or C in four. B and C had come in dead faggedand C was coughing badly. "Never mind, old fellow," Iheard B say, "I'll fix you up on the sofa and get yousome hot tea." Just then A came blustering in and shouted,"I say, you fellows, Hamlin Smith has shown me threecisterns in his garden and he says we can pump them untilto-morrow night. I bet I can beat you both. Come on. Youcan pump in your rowing things, you know. Your cisternleaks a little, I think, C." I heard B growl that it wasa dirty shame and that C was used up now, but they went,and presently I could tell from the sound of the waterthat A was pumping four times as fast as C.
For years after that I used to see them constantly abouttown and always busy. I never heard of any of them eatingor sleeping. Then owing to a long absence from home, Ilost sight of them. On my return I was surprised to nolonger find A, B, and C at their accustomed tasks; oninquiry I heard that work in this line was now done byN, M, and O, and that some people were employing foralgebraica jobs four foreigners called Alpha, Beta, Gamma,and Delta.
Now it chanced one day that I stumbled upon old D, in the littlegarden in front of his cottage, hoeing in the sun. D is an agedlabouring man who used occasionally to be called in to help A,B, and C. "Did I know 'em, sir?" he answered, "why, I knowed 'emever since they was little fellows in brackets. Master A, hewere a fine lad, sir, though I always said, give me Master B forkind-heartedness-like. Many's the job as we've been on together,sir, though I never did no racing nor aught of that, but justthe plain labour, as you might say. I'm getting a bit too oldand stiff for it nowadays, sir--just scratch about in thegarden here and grow a bit of a logarithm, or raise a commondenominator or two. But Mr. Euclid he use me still for thempropositions, he do."
From the garrulous old man I learned the melancholy end ofmy former acquaintances. Soon after I left town, he toldme, C had been taken ill. It seems that A and B had beenrowing on the river for a wager, and C had been runningon the bank and then sat in a draught. Of course the bankhad refused the draught and C was taken ill. A and B camehome and found C lying helpless in bed. A shook himroughly and said, "Get up, C, we're going to pile wood."C looked so worn and pitiful that B said, "Look here, A,I won't stand this, he isn't fit to pile wood to-night."C smiled feebly and said, "Perhaps I might pile a littleif I sat up in bed." Then B, thoroughly alarmed, said,"See here, A, I'm going to fetch a doctor; he's dying."A flared up and answered, "You've no money to fetch adoctor." "I'll reduce him to his lowest terms," B saidfirmly, "that'll fetch him." C's life might even thenhave been saved but they made a mistake about the medicine.It stood at the head of the bed on a bracket, and thenurse accidentally removed it from the bracket withoutchanging the sign. After the fatal blunder C seems tohave sunk rapidly. On the evening of the next day, asthe shadows deepened in the little room, it was clear toall that the end was near. I think that even A was affectedat the last as he stood with bowed head, aimlessly offeringto bet with the doctor on C's laboured breathing. "A,"whispered C, "I think I'm going fast." "How fast do youthink you'll go, old man?" murmured A. "I don't know,"said C, "but I'm going at any rate."--The end came soonafter that. C rallied for a moment and asked for a certainpiece of work that he had left downstairs. A put it inhis arms and he expired. As his soul sped heavenward Awatched its flight with melancholy admiration. B burstinto a passionate flood of tears and sobbed, "Put awayhis little cistern and the rowing clothes he used towear, I feel as if I could hardly ever dig again."--Thefuneral was plain and unostentatious. It differed innothing from the ordinary, except that out of deferenceto sporting men and mathematicians, A engaged two hearses.Both vehicles started at the same time, B driving theone which bore the sable parallelopiped containing thelast remains of his ill-fated friend. A on the box ofthe empty hearse generously consented to a handicap ofa hundred yards, but arrived first at the cemetery bydriving four times as fast as B. (Find the distance tothe cemetery.) As the sarcophagus was lowered, the gravewas surrounded by the broken figures of the first bookof Euclid.--It was noticed that after the death of C, Abecame a changed man. He lost interest in racing with B,and dug but languidly. He finally gave up his work andsettled down to live on the interest of his bets.--Bnever recovered from the shock of C's death; his griefpreyed upon his intellect and it became deranged. He grewmoody and spoke only in monosyllables. His disease becamerapidly aggravated, and he presently spoke only in wordswhose spelling was regular and which presented no difficultyto the beginner. Realizing his precarious condition hevoluntarily submitted to be incarcerated in an asylum,where he abjured mathematics and devoted himself towriting the History of the Swiss Family Robinson in wordsof one syllable.
Acknowledgments
Many of the sketches which form the present volume havealready appeared in print. Others of them are new. Ofthe re-printed pieces, "Melpomenus Jones," "PolicemanHogan," "A Lesson in Fiction," and many others werecontributions by the author to the New York Truth. The"Boarding-House Geometry" first appeared in Truth, andwas subsequently republished in the London Punch, and ina great many other journals. The sketches called the"Life of John Smith," "Society Chit-Chat," and "AristocraticEducation" appeared in Puck. "The New Pathology" wasfirst printed in the Toronto Saturday Night, and wassubsequently republished by the London Lancet, and byvarious German periodicals in the form of a translation.The story called "Number Fifty-Six" is taken from theDetroit Free Press. "My Financial Career" was originallycontributed to the New York Life, and has been frequentlyreprinted. The Articles "How to Make a Million Dollars"and "How to Avoid Getting Married," etc. are reproducedby permission of the Publishers' Press Syndicate. Thewide circulation which some of the above sketches haveenjoyed has encouraged the author to prepare the presentcollection.
The author desires to express his sense of obligation tothe proprietors of the above journals who have kindlypermitted him to republish the contributions which appearedin their columns.
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