Dr. Fogel nodded.
“And then there’s my mother and father … well, especially my mother. She really burns me up lately. You know what she did to Grandma?”
Dr. Fogel shook his head.
“Well … she won’t let her cook any more and that’s what Grandma loved to do. She’s always cooked for us. So now my mother won’t let her and Grandma stays up in her room all the time and she’s miserable. Only she can’t tell me how miserable she is because she can’t talk—because she had cancer of the larynx.… You know what?”
Dr. Fogel shook his head again.
“Sometimes I think about getting cancer. One time I thought my father had it and I got really scared. But the thing is … my mother wasn’t this bad in Jersey City. At least I don’t think so. Or maybe she was and I was too dumb to know it. That’s where we used to live … in Jersey City.… She’s really a phony. My mother is really a phony. That’s what I think. I’d love to tell her I think so.”
“Why don’t you?” Dr. Fogel asked.
“Oh … then she’d start bawling.…”
“And how would you feel about that?”
“I’d feel really bad. I don’t like to see her cry.”
Dr. Fogel nodded and smiled.
“And I’ll tell you something else. My brother is getting just like her. Otherwise why would he go into the business? What does he know about electrical cartridges?”
I got up then and walked around the room. There was a checkerboard set up on one table and a deck of cards laid out on another. I picked up a checker. “Who plays?” I asked.
Dr. Fogel said, “Anyone who wants to. Do you feel like a game?”
“No. I like chess.” That reminded me of Pop. I fiddled with the checker some more and said, “My father’s really something. He’s a good one! He just goes along with everything. Nothing bothers him. He’s on top of the world. I don’t know … I just can’t figure him out.”
Dr. Fogel grunted.
“What makes me mad is why should I care so much about what they do? Any of them? Like Joel …” I walked over to the window and looked down. “Why should I care if he wants to steal a lot of junk?”
“But you do?” Dr. Fogel asked.
“Yeah … it really gets me!” I walked back to my chair and sat down. “Sometimes I think that people can see inside me … that they know what I’m thinking and everything. I don’t want anyone to know what I’m thinking. Like that time Joel called me chicken. I didn’t want to make that phone call. I know they can trace phone calls. So why should I care if Joel calls me chicken?”
“But you do?”
“Yeah … I guess so. And another thing … sometimes I wish we still lived in Jersey City and other times I’m glad we don’t. You know what? I like having plenty of money. Oh—I don’t know what I want!”
I stood up then. So did Dr. Fogel. He said, “Well, Tony … we’ve had a very good first session. I’ll see you again next week.”
That’s it? I used up the whole hour? I talked too much. I shouldn’t have told him all those things. That was stupid. Next time I won’t talk at all. Let him do all the talking.
When I got outside my mother was waiting in the car. I got in and she asked, “How did it go?”
“Dr. Fogel said it went good,” I told her.
“I hope so,” she said. “He’s very expensive.”
When vacation was over I went back to school. I didn’t have many pains and everyone said I was looking great, especially Corky. People always say that when they know you’ve been in the hospital.
Then Again,
Maybe I Won’t
A funny thing happened to Vicki in the spring. She got better looking. I mean as far as babies go she isn’t too bad. She looks more like those pictures you see in magazines than like a plucked chicken. She’s much fatter than she used to be and she laughs a lot. Even I make funny faces at her to hear her laugh. Of course I don’t go near her when she needs to be changed. Neither does my father or Ralph if he can help it. Vicki is around a lot because Angie’s always out with the real estate lady looking for her house.
One sunny Saturday afternoon my mother got Vicki all wrapped up in her carriage and asked me to take her around the block for a walk.
“Me?” I said. “You want me to take her for a walk? All by myself?”
“Why not?” my mother said. “You’re her uncle aren’t you?”
“Well, yes. I mean sure … but …” I began. “But I don’t know anything about babies.”
“What do you have to know to take her for a walk? You just push the carriage.”
“Well,” I said. “I don’t know.”
“Come on, Tony,” my mother coaxed. “I have to get to the store for an hour. And anyway, Maxine is here if you run into trouble.”
“Well,” I said. “I’ll try it.”
“There’s nothing to it. Just push the carriage and she’ll fall asleep.”
So I pushed—first back and forth in our driveway to get the feel of it. I felt pretty stupid. If I hadn’t known Joel was at the dentist’s office I might never have done it. I could just imagine what he would think of me pushing a baby around.
Me and Joel never talk about what happened at the corner store. I don’t know if he knows I saw him take the pens or what. We act just like we did before I got sick. I asked Dr. Fogel do I have to report Joel? And he said, “That’s up to you, Tony.” Dr. Fogel never gives me any definite answers.
As it turned out I was mighty glad I decided to watch Vicki. Because as I was pushing her around who should back out of the Hoobers’ driveway but Lisa, in her mother’s car. I know she’s practicing up for her driver’s test. I also know that the first time she backed out of the garage she did it without raising the garage door first and the car went halfway through the door. The Hoobers had to get a new garage door and Lisa wasn’t allowed to go out on any dates that weekend which was good for me because it meant I got to watch her that Friday and Saturday night.
This time she backed out okay. When she saw me she slowed up and waved. “Hi Tony. You have a real live baby in there?”
“Yeah,” I said. “My niece, Vicki.”
Lisa stopped the car, jumped out and slammed the door shut. She ran over to me, peeked into the carriage and said, “Oh! She’s adorable. I simply adore babies! I’m mad about them. I just love them!”
I got the message.
“Can I hold her?” Lisa asked.
“Well, I don’t know. She’s supposed to take a nap.”
“Well, can I push the carriage?”
This was really funny. Lisa asking me all these questions like I was in charge or something. If I’d known how she felt about babies I sure would have offered to take care of Vicki before this!
So I let Lisa push Vicki but I walked right alongside her. I knew I was growing because now I come up to Lisa’s neck. I figure she’s as tall as she’s going to get and I’m just starting to grow so I’ll wind up a lot bigger than her.
“Listen, Tony …” Lisa said. “If you’ve got something to do I don’t mind watching the baby myself.”
“Oh no! I couldn’t do that,” I said. “I’m responsible for her.”
“Well, I’m a responsible person, Tony,” Lisa said, glancing sideways at me.
“No. I don’t think that would be a good idea. Something might happen if I left you alone with her.”
Lisa stopped pushing and faced me. “Listen, Tony … I know you know all about the car and the garage door and all that, but I wouldn’t dream of letting anything happen to the baby. It’s all right! Really, I can take care of her myself.”
“No!” I said so loud I startled myself.
“Well, if that’s the way you’re going to be about it!”
“I’ll just walk along with you,” I said. “You can pretend it’s just you and the baby if you want. After all, she is my niece!”
After that we didn’t have much to say to each other. Lisa pushed and I walked
behind her. I considered asking Lisa why she always gets undressed with the shades up but decided that would be stupid. My story about the gypsies would have to wait too. I didn’t feel this was the right time.
We walked for an hour. Last week I told Dr. Fogel about my binoculars and how I watch Lisa. I told him I’ve even seen her naked. I thought he’d be really surprised. But all he said was, “How does that make you feel?” So I told him the truth. I told him that I like to watch her. That it makes me excited. Dr. Fogel didn’t tell me to stop doing it. And I’m glad. Because I don’t know if I’d be able to. I haven’t told him about my dreams yet. Sometimes I want to, but I just can’t.
When we got back to my house Lisa thanked me very much for allowing her to help with Vicki and I said, “Oh, that’s okay.”
She told me she’d babysit if my sister-in-law ever needed her and she’d even do it for free because the baby is so adorable. I told her I’d keep that in mind.
After Lisa went home I bent down and whispered to Vicki, “Thanks pal. You got me alone with Lisa. You’re not so bad after all.”
My mother told me I’d done a fine job and she was proud of me.
The end of April Lisa got her driver’s license and her own Corvette—white with red leather seats. She was so excited she offered to take me and Joel for a ride.
As soon as we got out of town Lisa started doing about eighty miles an hour. I thought she was going to get us all killed.
Joel screamed, “Hey Lisa … slow down!”
Lisa laughed and her hair blew all over her face. By that time me and Joel, who were sharing a bucket seat, were hanging onto each other and making noises somewhere between laughing and crying. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see the road. Lisa drove like a maniac. I vowed never to get into her car again. Not for anything! Should I be lucky enough to get out alive this time, that is.
Finally Lisa pulled off the road and came to a screeching halt. Me and Joel untangled ourselves and he started in on her.
“You’re crazy, Lisa! I always thought so, but now I know it! Didn’t you learn anything in Driver Ed?”
Lisa lit a cigarette and took a long puff.
Joel said to me, “You see, she’s got a death wish!”
“I do not!” Lisa said. “I’m very fond of being alive.”
“Well, you’d never know it,” Joel hollered. “You keep driving around like that and you’re not going to make it to eighteen.”
“Don’t be silly,” Lisa said. “I was only trying her out. I have no intention of driving around like that all the time.” She turned to me. “You weren’t afraid, were you, Tony!”
“Well, not afraid exactly … but I didn’t like it.”
“Come off it, Tony. You were scared out of your mind,” Joel said.
“Okay … I was,” I admitted. “Sure I was scared—right out of my mind.”
Lisa laughed and kept puffing away.
“If you keep on smoking you won’t have to worry about getting yourself killed in this car. You’ll be dead of cancer,” Joel said.
“Will you listen to him!” Lisa waved her cigarette around. “All of a sudden he’s my father! Just what I need! Another George.”
“My grandmother had cancer,” I told Lisa. “Of the larynx. They had to take it out. Now she can’t talk.”
Lisa looked me right in the eye. “Is that true?” she asked.
“Yes,” I said. “You can see her any time you want to. She lives with us.”
“How awful! Perfectly awful!” Lisa stubbed out her cigarette and threw it out of the car. “She smoked, I suppose?”
“Oh yeah … like a fiend!” I said. Actually Grandma never smoked at all. The doctors said it was just one of those freaky things.
But Lisa took her pack of cigarettes out of her bag and flung them out of the car. “I’m never going to touch another weed. Never! Imagine losing your larynx!”
“While you’re reforming,” Joel said, “would you mind driving slower on the way home.”
She did. Only sixty miles an hour. But she drove up a one-way street the wrong way and almost got us killed anyhow.
I enjoy thinking that I’m responsible for Lisa giving up cigarettes even if there’s nothing I can do about her driving.
The second week in May Lisa banged up her Corvette. What happened was she bumped into a tree. She told me and Joel she couldn’t imagine how the tree got there. Lisa wasn’t hurt but her car needs a new fender and she has to spend the next three Saturday nights at home.
Ralph and Angie are buying a house three blocks from us. “Five bedrooms,” Angie said. And does Maxine have any friends who’d like to work for her? Maxine said she’d ask around.
“What are you going to do with five bedrooms?” I said. “Rent them out?”
“Fill them up with kids!” Ralph said.
“We’re expecting another one already,” Angie laughed, blushing. “Didn’t you guess?”
“No,” I said. “I didn’t guess.” But I thought, how could I guess when you’re still fat from having Vicki?
“Which is one of the reasons I’m going in with Pop,” Ralph said. “Kids are pretty expensive. Especially when you want to give them everything.” Ralph and Angie gave each other a secret smile.
I thought, maybe that’s the trouble. Maybe kids don’t always want you to give them everything. I looked at Ralph. I can do that without hating him now. I can say okay, you’re just ordinary, but I can’t do anything about it. I’m trying to understand his feelings about wanting his kids to have everything. Maybe I’ll be like that too. Then again, maybe I won’t. After all, I’m me. I’m not Ralph.
Well, at least I got through thinking about all that without getting pains. I’m learning how to handle myself. Dr. Fogel will be glad when I tell him next week.
On May 25th me and Joel rode down to the Village Sports Store. Now that it’s spring I need a new basketball net. Joel needs tennis balls for camp. He doesn’t want to go back this summer, but he has no choice. “I’ve been going to camp since I’m six,” he told me. “I hate it.”
“So why not switch? Go to another camp?”
“They’re all the same,” he said. “At least here I know the guys already. I know what to expect.”
Lisa isn’t going to be around for the summer either. She’s going on a tour of the northwestern states and Canada. She’ll be gone nine weeks. What am I going to do without her? I’ll never be able to get to sleep!
When we got to the Village Sports Store we rested our bikes against the side of the building. Inside we browsed around. I saw a really neat fielder’s mitt. It looked pretty expensive though.
Joel fiddled around with the tennis rackets. He tried out two of them pretending to have a volley with me. The reason we had to wait so long was the salesman couldn’t get away from two Rosemont ladies.
One of them said, “But Ginny, you know how I putt. Always to the right of the hole. So I need a putter that will send them left.”
The salesman said, “It’s your aim, Ma’am. You’ve got to aim more to the left of the cup.”
Then Ginny said, “It has nothing to do with her aim. It’s the way she’s built.”
“I don’t think so,” the salesman said. “Build has nothing to do with it. It’s all aim.”
Then the lady holding the putter said, “Suppose I take it and just try it out. Then if I still putt to the right I’ll bring it back this afternoon. You can charge it to my husband’s account.”
The salesman tried a smile but you could tell he was pretty burned up.
When he finally got rid of them he asked could he help us. Joel told him he was interested in a tennis racket but that he’d have to come back with his father for that. “In the meantime I’ll take two cans of good tennis balls,” Joel said.
The salesman showed him the two brands they carried and Joel picked what he wanted. He paid for them, counted his change and took the white bag with Village Sports Store written across it.
&
nbsp; “Anything for you?” the salesman asked me.
“Yes,” I said. “I need a new basketball net … and I’d like to know how much that neat fielder’s mitt costs too.”
“Which one?” he asked. “They’re all neat … you’ll have to point it out to me.”
“Okay,” I said, following him to the other end of the store where the mitts were displayed.
The salesman told me the mitt I liked was $37.50. I thought that was a lot of money for one fielder’s mitt so I said I’d have to think about it. He told me to take my time thinking while he went to the stockroom for my basketball net. I walked back to the cash register where Joel was waiting. I wanted to know if he thought $37.50 was too much for a mitt. But I never asked him because he was smiling his crooked smile and humming some tune.
I thought, oh no! Please, Joel. I don’t want to be sick again. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I know what you’ve done. I can tell by just looking at you. What’d you take this time, Joel? What?
This was no good. I had to calm down. I could feel my stomach tighten. I’d do what Dr. Fogel taught me. I’d have a talk with myself inside my head. I know I’m tense. But I will be all right. I will not be sick.
“Let’s go,” Joel said.
I could report him now. I could yell for the salesman and say, “This guy stole something from your store.” I thought about doing that as I followed Joel outside. He got on his bike. Just as he was about to pedal off two men came running out of the store. One wore eyeglasses and a turtleneck. The other had red hair and freckles. They ran right up to Joel and the one with the glasses said, “Okay son … let’s have the golf balls.”
They know, I thought. This is it. This is really it. He’s swiped something and they know about it. Good going, Joel! You idiot.
“What golf balls?” Joel asked, looking innocent.
“Come on son … I saw you take them,” red hair said.
“Saw me take what?” Joel asked.
I just stood there watching.
“Don’t make this more difficult than it already is,” eyeglasses said. “We’ve just installed closed circuit TV because of shoplifters. So we know you’ve got the golf balls.”