Sinners' Breakfast
Copyright 2012
He sat at the counter of the rundown diner, sipping bad coffee, waiting for his breakfast. Any hopes he had of running across the Devil had almost disappeared, which is why Old Scratch sat down beside him with a smile.
He just looked at Satan, his planned speech seeming silly in the friendly face of the Prince of Darkness.
“How ya doin’ L?” he asked, patting him on the back. “Been a long time.”
He forced his eyes away from the Devil, looking down at his coffee as he brought it to his lips. “What do you want?” He asked, hoping he sounded indifferent.
“Me?” Lucifer asked as he lit a cigarette. “I’m here for the eggs. I’m an eggman, cu-cu-cachou.” A million dollar smile crossed his face that was slowly tarnished by the smoke that crept from between his teeth.
The Devil’s smile was always contagious. “Funny,” he replied, trying to hide his grin.
“It’s good to see you’ve still got a sense of humor,” Satan said, watching the waitress approach him. “You’ve been so serious for far too long.”
“What can I getcha’ hon?” the middle aged woman asked.
“A new beginning,” Lucifer replied. “One where a loser of a man doesn’t destroy your dreams, and then leave you holding the bag.”
“Excuse me?”
“Two eggs, sunny side up, with bacon.” he said with a wink, taking another drag of his cigarette.
She scribbled down the order without a word, stumbling off towards the kitchen.
“You came all this way just to tease the waitress?”
“No, I came all this way to tease you.”
“Sticks and stones, my friend.” L said, finishing off his coffee.
Satan put his hand on the back of L’s chair. “We are friends, aren’t we? Members of an elite club of the damned. We should run off right now and have a torrid love affair. Show God who’s boss. Whatcha’ think?”
“I think you should get to the point.”
Satan rubbed L’s back in a soothing manner. “The point is all yours, my dear. So why don’t you get to it?”
“I’m here for breakfast,” L replied a little too curtly, fearing the Devil was on to him. “Nothing more.”
“Fine,” Lucifer said, putting his hands in the air and standing up. “I guess we’re done here.”
L’s mind raced for a reason to stop him. “You’ve already ordered breakfast. The least you could do for the poor lady is pay for your food.”
Lucifer’s smile returned. “Alright,” he said, sitting back down. “And if I’m going to pay, I might as well eat.”
L just nodded his head, knowing he had lost his edge, if he ever had one to begin with.
Their food came at the same time, the Devil’s eggs and L’s oatmeal.
“Eating unborn chicken for breakfast always puts me in a good mood,” Satan said, finishing the final bite of his breakfast. “If you have a proposal, this would be the best time to try and sell it to me.”
“It’s not a proposal, it's an update,” L said, waving his empty cup at the waitress.
“That sounds bold. Let’s hear it then, or better yet, let me guess what your new idea is.” Satan lit another cigarette.
Lucifer cleared his throat so he could make his best radio announcer voice. “As atonement for past sins, you will become a champion of the people. A real-life superhero.”
The waitress was ignoring L, not wanting to get anywhere near the other man that somehow knew her past. L didn’t give a damn, he wanted a refill. “Coffee!” he said, banging the cup on the counter.
“C’mon L, if you’re going to be a superhero, you’ve got to play the part on all fronts.” Lucifer shook his head. “Do you think Superman would ever yell at a waitress just because she sucks?”
“I’m not going to become a superhero,” L replied, jumping the counter to grab the coffee, pouring it himself. “I’m going to do things the way I want to, and no one is going to stop me.”
“You sure got one wild hair up your ass, friend.” he handed L his cup. “Fill me up, would ya.”
L obliged. “You stay out of my way, I’ll stay out of yours, deal?”
“Of course not,” the Devil replied, sipping his java.
“You can’t stop me.”
“I’m sure I could find a way, but let’s step back for a moment and clarify your intent, shall we?”
“I’ve been pushed around for over two thousand years, and I’ve had enough,” L replied. “That’s as deep as it gets.”
“Understandable,” Lucifer said with a nod. “What I don’t understand, is why haven’t you just gone ahead with this grand scheme of yours? You’ve obviously made up your mind; you don’t seem to want anyone’s feedback on your plan. Why are you still on the pot? Just do it already."
A ragged sigh escaped from L’s lips. “I’ve wandered the earth for centuries, seeking His forgiveness. What else can I do for these people?” he looked around the diner at the people eating their breakfasts. “I’ve fought in their wars, stood on the side of righteousness every time I could find it. I’ve even volunteered for the Peace Corp.”
For some reason, the last comment made Satan giggle.
“I’m glad I could amuse you.”
“That’s the best thing about our conversations, L” Lucifer said, regaining his composure. “You always make me laugh, and the best part is that it’s never your intention.”
“Do you understand what I could begin?” L asked. “I could start the end all.”
“Now, you’re trying to make me laugh, right?”
“No, you ass. I’m serious. You know I have the power to do it.”
Satan looked at L for a moment. “I think you need to get some rest. I’ve got this great place in Rome,” he took L’s arm, pulling him up. “Let’s go.”
L jerked free. “Let go! I’m immortal, the same as you. There is nothing I can’t do.”
Lucifer raised his eyebrows. “Can you fly? Can you pick up a car with one arm?”
L looked away.
“Remember when you got shot in the leg a couple decades ago? How long did it take to heal?” Satan waited a moment for an answer that didn’t come. “Took about the same amount of time as it would for your average mortal, right? Still have a slight limp to boot.” He took a long drag on his cigarette. “That doesn’t sound like Mr. Invulnerable to me.”
“I could still put things in motion for you.”
“Hey, if you want to go out and start a ruckus, feel free. But you don’t have what it takes to be my catalyst.”
“I could help the Antichrist. Who better to understand the way of mortals than me?”
“Now that would make me laugh, if it wasn’t so pathetic. You don’t understand mortals any better than when you were among their ranks.”
L looked down at the counter. “Shit, I’m no good to anybody.”
“True, but that’s what makes you special. Nobody else is in the situation you’re in. You should revel in that.”
“There is no way you can take me in?”
“Dad said you’re hands off, end of story.”
“I’m out of options, there is nothing more I can try.” L shook his head in disgust. “Make one mistake, and I have to pay for it for eternity.”
“You stabbed the Old Man’s only begotten son in the side, that’s a hard thing to get past for a father.” Lucifer took a sip of his coffee. "I never really understood why you speared him like that. What was the point? He was already up on the cross, dying." He looked L in the eye with genuine interest for the first time that morning. "Why'd you do it?"
"Just got caught up in the moment, I guess," L replied. "The crowd was just so worked up. Everyone was co
nvinced he was an enemy of the people, a revolutionist."
"He was definitely a rebel of his time, any time really," the devil nodded in agreement.
"I just thought I was doing the right thing," L whispered. "It was what the people wanted."
Satan patted him on the shoulder. " The perils of public service can be a bitch, my friend," the Devil said with a light chuckle. "And peer pressure," he shrugged. "How do you not get sucked into that?"
L nodded his head. “You’re the only one that will come and talk to me. Jesus came once, to tell me he forgave me. That should count for something.”
“Well,” Satan said with a shrug. “That is his thing. The Big Man is the tough one. You’re off limits to everyone. He let J.C. come that one time, cause he wouldn’t let up about it. Gabe and Mike, and all those other goody-goodies couldn’t come even if they wanted to.”
“Thanks for sharing that.”
“I tell you what,” Lucifer said. “I could set up a meeting with Mike or maybe Gabe, and you could tag along. Maybe we could even get Dad to show up.”
“Are you serious?”
Old Scratch looked at him with a dark grin. “Of course not,” his laughter echoed across eternity. “I don’t believe you fell for that.” He got up and walked towards the door. “Thanks for the laughs, and breakfast,” he disappeared into the morning light.
“What?” L replied as the waitress put down the bill. He rummaged through his pockets. “I’ve only got enough to pay for my own meal.”
“Call the cops, Jack,” the waitress called back to the kitchen. “We got a thief up here.”
L threw his money on the counter, bolting for the door. The waitress was yelling and he could hear Jack coming. He wondered if he would be able to outrun him with his bad leg. He wondered if things would ever get better.