Normally literal meaning of any statement uttered by husbands is on the same line as that of actual meaning. But literal meaning of any statement uttered by wives is completely opposite to that of actual meaning. For example, if a husband says, 'No problem!', he actually means that, there is no problem at all. But when a wife says, 'Ok, no problem', that means the husband is going to face lot of problems in near future.
These are the only two sentences (you are going to kill me or you have killed me) when uttered by wife literal meaning and meaning of utterance of the sentences carry same meaning whereas when those are uttered by a husband, the meaning may be opposite. Mostly husbands utter these sentences to placate their wives. But reverse is not true.
Even in the best of the days, no husband is able to hear the same statement from his wife. The statement when one hears from his wife, he understands that war beagle has already been blown; knife is ready out to pierce his heart! She will remind him everything he had promised till date which he failed to fulfil. If his parents are alive they will get something mouthful in absentia. Even his daughters will not be spared! But still he loves her!
For the time being, forget the serious part of this beautiful relation, all beautiful wives may kindly consider following tips for attracting 'oomphs' and those sentences from their beloved husbands.
If you are between 35- 45, after putting your children to sleep at 10 PM, wear the best transparent revealing night gown, and ask your husband (not more than 5 year older than you) whether you are still beautiful or not. He will definitely utter those words to satisfy your false feeling. Though you know with 99% probability that he is lying, for the first time you may believe that at this particular moment, 1% probability is higher than 99% probability.
Praise your husband's friend in front of him.
Call your mother's family on his birthday without informing him.
Call at eleven at night from your mother's place to pick her up as you had a brawl with your sister in law.
Tell your husband to bring food from restaurant on the last week of the month as your in laws have arrived.
Should I give any more tips? I do not want a divorce at this age!!!!!
Chapter VI: Brother and Sister
One of my friends who developed a habit of smoking in his school days and one day his father caught him red handed and was beaten up black and blue. After wards, he came to know it was his sister who had informed his father. When we asked him whether he was able to take some retaliatory actions against her, he said, 'I do not want to be killed again by that blood thirsty monster (father).' What a heart breaking reply!!!
All the sons, up to a certain age, think that sisters are the eyes and ears of their fathers. All their misdeeds are reported by these spies and therefore, whenever they get an opportunity, they punished their weak sisters, but again only to be thrashed by their fathers. This continues till attainment of certain age and after crossing that age, they become best friends and then they utter those sentences quite frequently amongst them without keeping any grudge in their hearts.
Normally elder brothers and elder sisters are over protective towards their younger siblings. Therefore, the elder siblings have to utter those sentences quite often when the younger ones started going to schools. Elder sisters normally never mind if their younger brothers wet their pants or to change dresses of their younger brothers. If a brother has to do those things as per the instruction of the teacher, after doing those he uses to utter those sentences at least ten times before his sister and then hundred times before his mother ( he deliberately avoids to tell those words to his father or to his friends).
As they grow up, the brothers become more and more protective to their sisters. In India a brother can take life or give his life for the sake of his sister (normally till his marriage).
However, utterances of those sentences are basically reserved for the sisters. Every time brother comes home with a dirty shirt, sister utters those sentences to attract her parent's attention so that he gets a physical or verbal thrashing. Once her desire is fulfilled she will smile and then the brother also uses those sentences in his mind without actual utterance.
Few tips are given below for a sister who likes to attract her brother to utter those sentences:
Tell your father that your brother could not drop you at your college as at the same time he dropped his girl friend somewhere else.
Inform your parents that you saw an unknown girl on the pillion of his motorcycle.
Inform your parents that your brother has proposed your best friend.
Inform your parents that you met your brother in a restaurant with his girl friend.
Inform your parents that your brother has bunked his class to see an adult movie.
Inform your parents that your brother has scored very less marks in half yearly examination which he wanted to hide.
Fight with his girl friend.
Inform his girl friend about his earlier affairs.
Chapter VII: Brother and Brother
Best friends in the world and worst enemies in the world are the brothers coming out from the same womb and same father. Naturally, both of them have equal chance of yelling these sentences quite often. But when they are young, the elder one usually yells these sentences quite often.
If facial cuts are same with almost equal age, problems of two brothers are manifold for the brother who is relatively innocent. I have noticed even in the case of twins, one is more intelligent and naughtier than the other one. In all such cases, when small or heavy crime is committed by the smarter one and normally dumb or honest one is get punished. Every time the honest one is falsely implicated he utters, 'He is killing me!' But his love for his brother/ twin is such strong that he seldom tells the other party that he has been wrongly implicated unless later on the other party realises the fact.
My elder brother was smarter than I in all respect during our childhood days. For all his faults my father used to admonish me. As a kid, I suffered a lot for his fault (I do not want to discuss those here) at my home and outside home as well. Though outside home he was very protective, at home he enjoyed every time whenever I was punished/ admonished for no fault of mine. As time passed, I also become smart enough to implicate him in many cases where he was not even distantly associated with the action. So, I am sure, he also uttered many times those sentences for me. Do you expect I shall disclose those instances when I forced him to utter those sentences? Never!
One of my friends, told me how he kissed a maid and his elder brother was thrashed by his mother for the crime(?) he had not committed! About that particular case, he elaborated the story in details like a detective. My friend used to kiss the maid always in dim light wearing a T shirt which his elder brother used to wear. When my friend came to know that his brother was thrashed by his mother he stopped his adventure forever. On the other hand the poor fellow did not know why he was beaten up so badly by his mother. He pleaded his mother to tell the reason why he was beaten but his mother did not tell the reason till her death. However, the maid was sent to her village after few days of that incident.
One day, when my friend and his brother, after 10-15 years when both of them were already married, were talking about my friend's mischievous adventures as a youngster.
My friend asked his brother, 'You always blame me that I was notorious, but you are also not a Mahatma Gandhi. Can you still remember when we were in college; you were thrashed by our Mom? One should be real rascal to be beaten up by a mother at that age.' He paused for a moment to see his brother's reaction. His brother's face became red with anger.
Then he asked again, 'Can you find out the reason why you were thrashed by our mother when we visited our home during that summer vacation in 1979?'
'No, still I could not find out the reason why I was beaten so badly by Mom.' He admitted with puzzled look.
'You were beaten because, mom saw you kissing Reba.' My friend said.
 
; 'I did not kiss her.' His brother told.
'Oh, then someone else had kissed her wearing your favourite T shirt!' With a monstrous smile my friend said.
'You bastard!' His brother thundered.
'Do not abuse the poor lady (our Mom). She was a pious lady; could not bear a bastard in her womb!' My friend explained his brother that no one can question the character of their mother; even by his elder brother.
Then, he again started laughing. This time his brother uttered those sentences and could not control his laugh. Then, he became little bit sad and told, 'Mom died with that misconception that I was the culprit!'
'Do not worry bro, I told her long back that you were innocent. But her comment was more interesting than my admission. She also came to know about the fact before the maid was sent to her home. She told our Mom that I was kissing her, not you! She also told our mom that she allowed me to kiss because she started loving me.' Again he started laughing.
Despite of all those one way exploitations, elder brother of my friend used to love him more than anybody else.
This is not a one off case. You will find thousands of brothers are exploited by their brothers and those brothers pardoned their brothers uttering those two sentences.
I am not giving any tips to the exploiting brothers to attract those sentences as they are already qualified to become professor in that subject!
Chapter VIII: Sister and Sister
Whenever I see two sisters talking to each other, I want to know who is more powerful to attract utterance of those sentences from the other one. Here, there may be a strong contest between two sisters who can attract more and more utterance of those sentences. However, if age difference is more, the younger one wins with a comfortable margin. I have seen two sisters from a very close range. Their age difference is more than eleven years. Every time the younger one does something extraordinary, the elder one has little alternative but to utter those sentences. For example, the elder one brought two dresses for them and the younger one very easily hoodwinked her elder sister to get rid of both the dresses in favour of her. Till the elder one realizes what has happened, both dresses are already showcased in the younger sister's wardrobe. The elder sister screamed those sentences and vowed never fall into her trap in future. But after six months, again she will be trapped! It can happen only because the elder sister also wants that from the core of (her) heart.
How one sister can attract another one to utter those sentences can be summarised as follows.
Knowing that your sister has a soft corner for Mr. X, you confide her that you love him before she tells you about her feelings.
Tell your mother that your sister loves Mr. Y to whom your mother has lot of dislikes.
You ask your sister to lend her best dress for a particular function which both of you are attending.
Tell your elder brother that your sister is dating with his best friend.
Tell your brother in law about your sister's ex-boy friend.
Tell your brother in law how your sister dislikes some of his habits.
Tell your sister about your brother in law's meeting with his ex girlfriend after his marriage to her sister.
Tell your brother in law that the best item was cooked by her mother when he visited their home for the first time; not by her sister as claimed earlier.
Tell your sister that his (brother in law) earlier girl friend was more beautiful than her.
Tell your sister that the gifts given in your marriage by your parent are much costlier than those given to her in her marriage.
Tell your sister that your father loves you more than your sister.
And so on.
Chapter IX: In laws versus in laws
They cannot be friends. They cannot leave any opportunity to demean each other in absentia. But, when they meet each other in public, they try to show that they are the best pals. However, within the in laws there may be some sub categories in terms of intensity of hatred amongst them. Naturally, those sentences are pronounced by all in laws in abundance.
However, the uses of those sentences are not uniform across all the in laws. For example normally father in laws are using these sentences against their daughter in laws much less compared to their counter parts mother in laws. I am trying to rank them in descending order of intensity of bad blood as follows:
1.Sister in law versus sister in law.
2.Mother in law versus daughter in law
3.Father in law versus son in law
4.Mother in law versus son in law
5.Father in law versus daughter in law
6.Father in law versus Father in law
7.Mother in law versus mother in law
8.Brother in law versus sister in law
9.Brother in law versus brother in law
10.Brother in law versus sister in law
11.Any in law versus any in law
I do not want to give any tip to any of them as all are doctorate degree holders in their respective fighting skills. They are experts in forcing their opponents to utter those sentences quite frequently and whenever other parties utter those sentences they mean it by hearts. That is the reason why I love all the in laws understanding their compulsions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter X: Relative versus Relative
They are the worst enemies in disguise of friends. If they are distant relatives, they attack with missiles and if they are closest they use knife which has maximum penetrating capacity but the knifes are so designed that the victims feel their first pain only after few days or after few months, or even may be after few years only.
Most of the statements on any topic made by relatives may have meaning which are miles away from the literary meaning of those statements. For example, when a relative says, 'I am very happy that your son has done very well in the board examination and hope he will be selected for the best colleges in India', actual meaning may be, 'I am very unhappy that your son has done very well in the board examination and hope he will not be selected for the best colleges in India'.
In some cases, he or she may telephone his/ her relative everyday to know the admission status of his /her son. The same person had not telephoned for last six months prior to the declaration of the result of the entrance examination. So, always try to decipher actual meaning of the statement of any relative. Do not think I am against any of my relatives as I am also a relative of each and every relative of mine.
I can give you some tips how you can force your relatives to utter those sentences. Some of the tips are positive and obviously some are absolutely negative in nature.
You score a percentage in any examination, none of your relatives has ever scored that percentage.
Win a scholarship none of your relatives has ever able to get that scholarship.
Winning an award may attract similar effects.
Run away/ marry with a girl who according to all your close relatives she is from an extremely wealthy family!
Run away with a girl who according to all your close relatives not fit to be your wife!
Let your school/ college authority to expel you from your school/ college.
Let police catch you while you are soft lifting a watch, I am sure all of your relatives will utter those sentences.
Finally, you win an Olympic medal in a discipline which was ridiculed by all of your relatives once!
Since comments of relatives can not to be seen with suspicion, deciphering the meaning of a comment from your relative is a real challenge in your life. If you fail to decipher properly, you may land in a position to lose one good relative or you are going to be cheated. So always take lot of caution while dealing with a relative.
Chapter XI: Lover and Lover
The relation between two lovers is diametrically opposite to the relation between husband and wife. Precisely, relation between lovers is like an advertisement of an oil for the bald headed person to raise hair. Everybody knows, those are false claims, even then people with bald heads, like th
ose advertisement and sometimes some of them even try those oil knowing well that the experiment is going to fail. Similarly some lovers got into marriage with the hope that their marriage is going to be successful one; even though they know that it will no different from their ever quarrelling parent's married life.
Normally to satisfy the ego of the lover, male counterpart, mostly without iota of truth utters those statements. From her look to dress, her earrings to nose ring, her slippers to trousers, her pen to copy book, her husky voice to smile all attract those statements from her male lover with ease. The fair sex, even knowing that he is only flirting with her, she flutters with those statements. Sometimes even she may grant a kiss on --- which depends upon her happiness over the mastery of the false statements made by her lover.
Let us consider few tips for the lovers on wrong turf to attract those sentences.
Ask your girl friend about her earlier affairs and vice versa.
Tell your lover that your ex was far better than him/ her.
Ask your boy friend to lend some money to repay a loan taken from your ex boyfriend for a similar condition!!!!
Introduce your ex to your lover.
Call your lover's mother by name.
Tell your boy friend that his father is smarter than him.
Tell your boy friend that his brother also proposed her.
Chapter XII: Street Romeo and Damsel
A street Romeo about to have a heart attack, when he came to know that the girl he proposed on the street a few days back is his new English teacher!
Another Romeo was about to collapse when the girl who he had teased came out to be the current National boxing champion. But the girl was very good, she informed the Romeo by using her husky voice with few sweet words, without any real action.
Another Romeo was beaten black and blue without telling him why he was beaten up. The doctor told him, 'Could not find another girl to tease! Why have you teased ---Bhai (don)'s daughter. Thank to God, you are not killed!' The Romeo thanked God for saving his life. One police officer came and recorded his statement and commented, 'Actually a case has to be registered against you under section ---. But we are also human being! We cannot file a case when God has already punished him so much. Do not do such type of mistakes in future.' After that, Romeo became only a 'brother' for each girl on the street!