SPOKEN
Unspoken 0.5
By
Liliana Camarena
Copyright © 2015 by Liliana Camarena All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
A picture, that’s all it took for me to get my first panic attack ever. A picture of a garden where I could clearly picture myself, Jackson Bardwell, sweating like a pig with a fake smile plastered on my face. My hands shook, a cold sweat was running through my forehead and my only reaction was to excuse myself in the desperate need to use the restroom. Instead of actually going to splash some water on my face I kept walking past the restroom, the front door and directly to my car without saying goodbye.
I drove for one hour before stopping for something to drink and to eat. I walked around the convenience store as if it was Wal-Mart, like it had one hundred aisles and I had a thousand options to choose from for my running away snack. After 30 minutes I walked out of the store and sat in my car and realized that, not by coincidence, I’d bought a chocolate muffin. I opened the wrapper and gave a big bite out of it. It wasn’t good but it was the first muffin I’d eaten in years. I shook my head and resumed my running away journey.
Suddenly, or maybe not so suddenly, I found myself in the Hamptons. Just as with the muffin, not by coincidence, I had ended up in the place that I that had avoided for years in hopes that all my pain and all my regret wouldn’t destroy me. I was back in the damn Hamptons. I sighed and thought that maybe in some Freudian way my mind had sent me here because it knew that the perfect place to run away to was here.
I had no idea where to go so I went to the first place that came into mind. My parents’ house. It was empty during fall and winter and no one would know I was here. I looked for something to change in besides the business suit I was wearing but all I found in there were khaki trousers on my father’s closet and they obviously didn’t fit. I supposed I could have gone to the pool house and look for at least a more casual shirt but I refused to set foot on that place so I decided to keep the suit sans the tie. I left the car there thinking that walking around would be better. I still didn’t know what I was looking for but I was sure that I would find it.
It was useless to look for answers in the exact same place that seemed to raise all your questions. I had been walking around the Hamptons for the last 5 hours and so far I hadn’t seen one single familiar face and all I’ve had were an avalanche of memories that made me want to forget everything about my life. The one I was currently living, the one that had been manufactured by my parents and had led me to the path I had taken that very day. So melodramatic! Truth was that I had chickened out of having the life I knew held my happiness and now I was running away from someone that had nothing to do with the way I felt about my life, the one I’d actually chosen.
After walking around avoiding strategic places I ended up sitting on the beach looking at what seemed the leftovers of a bonfire. I laughed out loud because I could picture my best friend, Ray, laughing at me and calling me a baby as I gazed at the sunset. Ray, he would totally understand me so I thought calling him was the right move.
“Asshole,” he said as he picked up.
“Darling,” I said laughing.
“Where are you? There’s a search party looking for you,” I heard a lot of city noise and I knew he hadn’t gone home yet.
“I’m at the Hamptons,” I said.
“Whoa,” that’s all he said.
“I know,” I nodded and grabbed a bit of sand on my hands. It reminded me of fire.
“What are you doing there?” he asked me concerned.
“I don’t know. I panicked on Sally and my mother and ended up here,” I shrugged and tried to sniff the sand. It smelled of fire too.
“What’s your plan?” he asked. “You know I’m all up for ditching Sally, man, but you need a plan.”
“A plan,” I shook my head. “ I was never very good with plans. Was I?”
“No, you have been very good at making plans; the wrong ones. It’s time you make the right plans,” I knew he was right but I had no idea what the right plans were.
“Right,” I said.
“Are you coming back?” he asked knowing this place had a pull over me.
“Yes,” I nodded.
“Why?” He asked and I hated that question because I knew he was trying to make me feel things I didn’t want to.
“I can’t leave Sally like that,” I said closing my eyes.
“I know you can’t but there’s a reason you ended up in the Hamptons, Jackson,” I sighed “ next thing you know you’ll be eating chocolate cake,” Close, I had already eaten the damn muffin.
“So, what am I supposed to do? Stay here trying to find answers?” I shook my head.
“You went there looking for answers,” I hated Ray.
“Haven’t found any,” I said.
“Maybe you haven’t looked in the right places,” Yep, I hated him.
“I can’t stay here,” I finally said.
“Fine, maybe we could have lunch tomorrow and start making the right plans for you because God knows we need that at least one of us have great plans,” I laughed knowing he loved his life he just wished it all had happened in different time and order.
“Sure, I’ll call you tomorrow,” I hung up the phone and let go of the sand I had been holding in my hand.
I sighed as I took a last look at the beach and decided that I needed a cup of coffee before actually jumping back on the road and back to the city to endure hours of tears and hours of coming up with good enough excuses for leaving my fiancé, mother and wedding planner in the middle of venue searching.
The smells coming from the empty bakery that I’d chosen to have coffee in gave me an overload of memories. I couldn’t help but remember the first time I laid eyes on the reason why bakeries had been banned from my life for the past 6 years.
I was 20 and living the life. I’d gone back to the Hamptons with Connor, born and raised and one of my good friends from college, because he had been begging me to do so since our first semester. I never liked the idea because I knew my parents made a habit out of attending every society event possible and me being there would only mean that I would be dragged along. However every time Connor came back from home he would tell such amazing stories, stories about a different side of the Hamptons, a side that seemed actually fun so, on my 3rd summer in college I said I would go back with him so he could show me the real deal.
There I was sitting on a bar that I had never heard of but that Connor had asked us to go to because he was bringing his sister and apparently she was underage. The bar wasn’t horrible, too dark and too small but the music was good and the drinks were cheap. I was a happy camper. After 20 minutes of being there Connor showed up, Luke, one of the guys, hollered at him and he came to meet us. As soon as he got there I saw a mass of fire walking by him; I couldn’t help but feel attracted to it, it was like I was literally next to a huge fire because my whole body felt hot and I couldn’t help but look at it. She was beautiful. Big red curls framed her beautiful face and green eyes. She was smiling and laughing and it was music to my ears. She looked at me and I couldn’t help but to move towards her as everyone else seemed to be re-arranging the tables.
I introduced myself and when we shook hands it was as if I was made of oxygen because she was fire and as soon as I touched her there
was an explosion. Every single feeling, I had it. I felt happy to be with her, I felt sad that she hadn’t been in my life before, I felt regret for not wanting to be in the Hamptons before and I felt agony of not being able to touch her a bit more.
Marion. That was her name and it completely suited her; it embodied everything she was and everything I wanted. She wasn’t Connor’s sister, thank heavens, because it would’ve been an awkward conversation to have with him if she had been. Hey Connor, I’m going to marry your sister one day.
The age difference could have been a problem but to me it was just something, nothing important, it was her that I needed to get to know no matter how old she was. She didn’t want to go to college, she wanted to bake for a living; she was aiming for happiness. She knew exactly what she wanted out of life while I was there, sitting in front of her knowing that for the past 20 years I had gone through life completely clueless and now all I knew is that I wanted her. That’s the only thing I knew for sure in that very moment.
Her determination, her happiness, her drive were infectious and by the end of the evening I felt that I could be whatever I wanted to be as long as I had her by my side.
“Marion,” It was Connor’s sister “we have to go” she looked at me and then back at Marion “I have to drive back home on Connor’s car because he is going back to some girl’s place,” she rolled her eyes.
“Sure,” Marion said and turned to look at me with a shy smile that I could swear said sorry.
“Don’t leave,” I said sitting closer to her wanting to bury my nose in the fire that was her hair.
“I can’t,” she said and stood up “bye” she almost whispered.
“Stay,” I said as I stood up and put my hand on her hip pulling her close to me. My hand was burning, the spot where our hips touched were in flames, I wanted to steal her away from Alexa and keep her as a horrible creeper in my room for me to watch and smell all day long. God! She’d turned me into a character out of The Silence Of The Lambs in a matter of hours.
She just shook her head and smiled. Another smile that I swore wanted to say, we’ll see each other again.
I saw the mass of fire walk away while I smiled to myself. That right there had been more exhilarating than anything that had ever happened to me. With those unspoken words she had given me fuel for the next thousand years, she had shown me what living life felt like.
And as I waited for someone to bring me a coffee on the deserted bakery and as if my memories had a power over my reality I heard her voice:
“Hello Jackson.”
Those two words and one look at the mass of fire made me realize in that instant that it was her I had been looking all along. Two spoken words and one tiny smile made me realize that I wasn’t going anywhere anymore because I hadn’t been running away; I had been running towards her. I was there to stay.
“UNSPOKEN” ON SALE IN JULY 20015