That’s when I hear movement behind us. “Hey Sarah, did you get it yet? I hear her friends call from behind.
“Don’t go in there. My dad was groping my mom…yuck.” I hear her whisper to the group of onlookers.
“Well, did you look in your car?" Wanda said with an inflected tone. Obviously she wanted Sarah to go as well, so we could get back to tonight’s regularly scheduled program.
“Why would I look in my car?” Sarah said with her arms folded.
“Because Sarah, you were wearing it yesterday when you left the house.”
“Really?” She looked so confused trying to remember if she had, and at that point I knew it was over. I'd been cockblocked again by one of my own damn kids.
“Yes you were, so check your car and if you can’t find it, I don’t know what to tell you.” My wife said firmly.
I knew what to tell her “Get out of here. Who cares if you have the damn hoodie or not, you’re going to a bonfire, t’s not like it’s going to be freezing. Some of us are trying to have spontaneous S-E-X over here."
When Sarah left to head into the garage to check her car we jumped up, pulled ourselves back together and headed into the kitchen where three of her closest friend’s stared wide eyed at us like we were a rare exhibit in the zoo.
“Did you and your friends want something to eat before you leave? I could make you some sandwiches if you would like.”
“Thanks Mom, you are the best.” Oh she’s good. I watched in horror as Sarah wrapped an arm around her mom in a quick hug and took off out of the room. Wanda was all smiles as she moved her way around the kitchen cutting up turkey and cheddar cheese to whip up sandwiches for the girls. She was back in full mom mode.
“Did you find your hoodie Sarah?”
“Yep. It was in my car, just like you said.”
“Glad you found it.”
I reached over to grab a sandwich from the plate, when she took it. Sarah moved it from my reach and set it on the table in front of the girls.
They spoiled my evening. At the very least I should get some food out of it.
When I realized I wasn’t going to be able to recover from this, I did what anyone else would have done. I walked out of there and made my back to my room. Of course I noted the snickers and grins of Sarah’s friends and the blushing of Wanda's cheeks. This was worse than being busted by your parents for making out on the sofa while they were away.
I can’t believe I made the walk of shame in my own house. One of these days, things would get better. They had to. At the base of the steps I stopped to study the pictures that lined the walls of the stairs. All of our kids had pictures grouped from birth to graduation that lined the pale yellow walls.
I remembered every single picture as if it was yesterday. Like the day Sarah pitched a temper tantrum in second grade the morning of pictures because she spilled maple syrup on her shirt that she just had to wear. When she didn’t cooperate with her mother, I insisted that she get changed. Oh the way she guilted me with those big tears. She swore it would ruin the picture since she and her friends made a pact they would dress alike in pale pastel shirts. Above that was a picture of our son from first grade. The picture pic was taken the day after he thought it was a good idea to listen to his older brother who suggested he slide down the stairs on a plastic sled only to flip off and end up with a large goose egg on his forehead and a sprained wrist.
There was a picture of all of them at Sarah’s graduation; the eldest in uniform.
They were pretty awesome kids, when they weren’t cock-blocking their old man.
“See you later Mom.” Sarah screamed as I heard the front door open and close. I waited for Wanda to come around the corner. When she didn’t, I went to search for her. She stood in the kitchen cleaning up dishes.
“Hey. You alright?” I walked up behind her and kissed her neck.
“Let me finish this. Go ahead upstairs. I’ll be there in just a minute.”
That’s all it took. I sprinted up the steps. I stripped everything off the moment I made it inside our bedroom door. Then I jumped on the bed and waited….and waited…and waited.
I hadn’t been with my wife in a while. Up ‘til now we had the worst kind of sex … the obligatory quickies. Anyone with children familiarized themselves with these as soon as the green light was given 6 weeks after the birth of your child. There wasn’t much time for warm ups or the enjoyment of pleasure of being with my girl. I took it all in stride. After all, it’s what we had to do for several years to avoid the calls to Mom in the middle of the night or the walking in of children.
As they got older, things only got harder. Wanda developed an aversion to doing anything with me when there was someone in the house.
Each day when I caught sight of my beautiful wife, it took great effort to keep my needs out of my head.
The only thing that kept me going was that soon things were going to change. After graduation next week, there were only two more months, then we would start a child free life.
I liked the idea of having our days and nights free to do what we pleased. To take vacations that didn't revolve around school activities or holidays.
I knew a lot would change when our youngest Sarah left the nest, so I thought we'd fill the void with S-E-X, sounds simple right?
Chapter 2 -Wanda
In the morning, I laid in the bed as long as possible with a swell of emotions running through me. For twenty-two years the morning routine has been so predictable that you could set your clock to it. Go downstairs and start the coffee with fresh grounds, the way my husband likes it. Then begin making breakfast for the family before rousing the kids from their sleep. Those mornings have come to an end. My head turns to the side and tears run down my cheek into the pillowcase leaving it stained. Part of me refused to get up and do anything. What the hell was wrong with me? Today is supposed to be one of joyful celebration. I’m so proud of Sarah and the wonderful woman she has become.
The other side of me is disappointed that this is the last time we will do this ritual.
“C’mon mom.” Bill shook my uncovered shoulder. “We have to be there by 8:00 to get good seats.” He kissed my cheek, tasting my tears.
“Sweetheart. What’s wrong?”
"Nothing. I’m fine.” I lied.
“Honey, I’m going to miss her too, but I’m not sad about it. Look at it this way she’s hardly home these days; we only see brief flashes of her as she runs in and out with her friends. Just be happy for all the me time you’ll have. Now, you hop in the shower and I’ll see to making breakfast.” He says.
I listen to his steps as he heads out the bedroom door and downstairs to the kitchen.
I set my feet down on the soft carpet and walk into the bathroom. Sarah has a great life ahead of her, full of success. The sadness is back again. I scrub my hair then lean under the water hoping to wash it all away. Bill’s words echo in my head just be happy.
How could I be happy when Sarah would be taking a summer road trip with Shannon and her family for the summer? I am thankful that I’m not Shannon’s mom. Her daughter was lucky enough to be offered a generous scholarship from her honor’s program that helped pay for about $60,000.00 a year in costs. The catch is that she is attending college on the other side of the country.
Sarah spending a few more weeks with her best friend meant that I lost my last summer with my baby girl. When she arrived back home again it would be just in time for us to take her to college and drop her off.
After my shower, I dressed and put on my makeup then headed down to grab a cup of coffee before leaving for the ceremony.
It was a short drive from our home to the convention center. People were lined up as they waited to either enter the building as parents or were participants for today’s events.
I hoped I would get to help Sarah with her cap making sure it sat just so on her head and be able to wait with her before the ceremony. That dream e
nded when we got out of the car and someone called Sarah’s name. “Sarah over here.” It was Shannon. Next to her stood her mother, Ruby and little sister Melody. All three looked like they could be sisters, her mom had a youthful look to her. “How are you doing? You look great.” After giving her a hug, I paid a similar compliment to her daughters.
“God. It doesn’t get any easier does it?” Ruby wiped a tear from under her eye.
“No. Not really.” Instead of words of comfort, I gave her the hard truth. When she looked up at me I saw it, a look that reflected one of the feelings I had been struggling with for the past few weeks. Past the tears, there was a hopeless look in her eyes.
***
They said goodbye one last time. “I love you so much. Now if you need anything, you call. I wish you weren’t going to school so far away.” I said and Bill wrapped his arms around me.
I’m not. Sarah said under her breath.
“I love you so much. If you need anything, make sure you call us Sarah.” I squeezed her close to me not wanting to let go. This was our last goodbye.
“It’s okay, she’s only two hours away.” Bill said then turned to Sarah giving her a wink.
“Dad’s right Mom. Stop crying. The time is going to go so fast, and before you know it I will be back home for Thanksgiving.” As she spoke she slid her arm around me to give me one more half hug.
“Alright young lady, come give your old man one last hug goodbye.”
Bill squeezed her so hard he easily lifted her feet off of the ground. With a tearful smile I remembered how many times he did just that when she was smaller and swung her around in his arms. When he set her back down, she smiled then ran to her dorm building. She paused just once to wave goodbye.
“The first year of college, this was our last first year.” I didn’t realize those words slipped out of my mouth until Bill spoke. “It’s not that bad, this is better than when we had to say goodbye to Samuel when he started boot camp. We never know for sure where he is in the world at any given moment. At least with her we know she’s 2 hours away from us for the next four years.” He reached over to gently squeeze my hand. After twenty-four years of marriage when mine opened our fingers automatically twined together.
“We did a great job, raising two wonderful kids. You know that right?” I let out a heavy sigh and leaned my head against the passenger side window. My mind replayed Sarah waving goodbye, and it brought back to my mind the day each of them waved goodbye for the first time when they went to Kindergarten.
Raising the kids was never an easy task, but one we did successfully as a team. It was the most rewarding career I could have ever hoped to have.
I was very quiet on the ride back home. Bill understanding the loss I felt reached over to squeeze my hand.
“She’s going to be just fine honey. You know that right?” Bill said smiling trying to comfort me.
“Yes I know. I wasn’t prepared for it to feel like this.”
“How what feels?”
“The end. We did our job we raised our kids and now the last is off to college.” She I shrugged her shoulders.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I feel like I don’t have a place anymore. No one needs me.”
Bill turns to look at me as if the words I just spoke were the most shocking thing he had ever heard.
“Well I need you, honey. Who else is going to make sure my clothes match and help me find my glasses each time I misplace them?” His attempted humor didn’t go well and I continued to look out of the passenger side window.
Watching Sarah wave goodbye brought my mind back to the day that Samuel our eldest was born. I remember how apprehensive I felt sending him to his first day of Kindergarten and before I knew it he was a grown man leaving for the Navy.
Together we raised a family. They were good kids. It was the most rewarding career I could have ever asked for, which in my mind made up for the missing connection with Bill.
Raising a family wasn’t easy but we were team Bill and Wanda. Whether or not the kids were at home didn’t change that fact. I hoped one day they would get back to a time when life would just be about the two of us.
Chapter 3- Wanda
Monday morning life went back to normal. Bill was away for business and would return home on Thursday. This gave me three days on my own and I didn’t know what I was going to do with the time. I picked up the phone and started to dial Sarah’s number, but then realized that’s what a nagging mother would do and that’s not what I wanted to be. Instead, I made good use of my time cleaning up the dishes from our meal.
The large house that once was full of laughter and commotion of bustling teens and their friends now lay silent. Each of my steps across the hardwood floors echoed the words "empty nest". It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. With Bill away this week, this feeling of emptiness was sure to get worse. Get a grip Wanda I said to myself. I picked up the black remote to the television, breaking one of my own house rules- Do not turn the television on first thing upon rising. I never wanted to raise the type of children who had to be consumed with television from the time they rose until they went to bed at night.
I shrugged it off, those rules were for a time that is now past. What did it matter?
I flipped through random channels. Bill always hated such indecisiveness, I normally didn’t care what was on the television as much as spending time with Bill on the sofa. I lifted my finger off of the button when she I saw the topic for discussion
EMPTY NESTERS: Bringing the Heat Back to the Bedroom.
I dropped the towel in my hand when I heard the woman on the screen ask, “Ladies, when was the last time your husband called you by name?”
I couldn’t even remember the last time he spoke my name. When they were first together the sweet pet names like baby and honey were used. As the years progressed with the duty of raising children, pet names were gone and replaced by mom. Yes, it was important to raise children that didn’t refer to their parents by their first names, but really.
“Just because we’re older, it doesn’t mean that we’re dead.”
“Say it with me, I’m sexy and I’m a mom and I’m middle aged.”
“Now ladies, I’m not saying that you should turn into a cougar and look elsewhere for love. I want to teach you the steps you need to have a fulfilling sex life in the greatest time of your life.”
I listened to the various guests as they described the downward spiral their lives had taken after the kids were grown and left the house. Like them, I too always felt the need to keep life on track for the sake of the kids. I always possessed a vivid imagination and pictured mine and Bill’s relationship speeding out of control like a runaway train.
The host continued speaking. “Remember all the times when your schedules were in the way? You finally get ready to get it on and one of the kids wakes up? Or he's ready to go after you spent the night pacing the floor with a teething baby? Or you're stealing a moment alone and he makes an unwelcomed remark about your stretch marks or the house cleaning that isn’t done? What happens? Any chance of hot and heavy sex is out the window. Now compile these issues day after day, year after year for the next 19 years, 18 if we’re lucky. Is it any wonder that sex becomes a moot point in the relationship?
“Ladies, I suggest you make a list. List all the crazy, unsexual things you’ve always wanted to try. Now is the time for change.”
She ran around the audience asking members what would they put on their list.
I ran out to get the magnetic board for grocery lists off of the fridge. Quickly I jotted down everything they said, making a list for myself.
I like to watch my husband masturbate, it’s a turn on to watch him get ready for me and talk dirty to me as he does.
The next member in the audience was a man who spoke up. “I have always loved my wife’s gorgeous body. After we had the kids she started dressing in baggy clothes to hide her curves. Top of m
y list was for her to start wearing shorter dresses and things to show off her amazing curves and legs."
Another audience member, a brunette jumped up and grabbed the microphone from the host, "Top of my list was a makeover of my bedroom. The bedroom was so cold and lifeless, it wasn’t any wonder why no magic was happening in there. I added a splash of color, new curtains and candles and everything changed."
“I was once like you.” The talk host says looking into the camera making me feel that she was talking just to me. “I hadn’t felt sexually alive in years. I felt that I was part of a vanishing group of women who society had thrown away. With my jiggly arms, stretch marks and c section scars I thought I was gross and disgusting. Then after our youngest left for college, I made up a list of all the things I wanted and at the top of my list was I wanted to feel like the sexual being that I was. Just because I was a mother didn’t mean I was no longer a woman. A woman’s whose needs were not being met. One night instead of dinner, I sat down and showed my husband my list. I was surprised to find out that he was feeling the same way and had a list of his own. He made me feel desirable, I made sure he felt appreciated and our desires came back and our sex life improved quickly. Is your sex life on the back burner? Well turn that heat all the way up.”
That was easy for her to say I thought. She obviously had always been a career oriented woman. Not that there was anything wrong with that. There was a time when I in my younger days had dreams and ambitions that never came to fruition. Getting pregnant at a young age and starting a family squashed some of those dreams.
I stood for a moment longer staring blankly at the screen as the camera then panned from the woman back into the audience members. When the white letters scrolled up from the bottom of the screen, I knew the show was over.
I grabbed the remote and pressed the red button then tossed it back down on the couch. Well, the chores of the house certainly wouldn’t take care of themselves. In the bedroom, it was time to strip the sheets and vacuum- - part of my weekly ritual. Normally this would have taken place on Saturday, but with taking Sarah to school things were delayed until now. I looked around at the plain cream colored walls that I always considered good enough.