She didn’t need to finish. And then everything happened, and that girl, the one who obsessed over straight A’s and wanted to be the president of every club and who had her sights set on being valedictorian and someday running a huge company or working for the government or doing something important with her life, disappeared.
Nine months ago, everything changed, and everything I thought I wanted seemed stupid and pointless. Or maybe I’d just finally realized it was stupid and pointless. That had less to do with what had happened and more to do with him. Even thinking his name was like taking a bullet in the chest.
“Yeah, then I decided to screw it all up. I know. I’ve heard the story. I was there. You don’t need to reiterate it to me.”
She shrugged. “Well, nothing else has worked, so I thought I’d give it a shot. I’ve also considered beating you senseless, but that’s usually frowned upon.”
“Go for it,” I said, sitting back down. Wasn’t going to work.
“Oh, believe me, I’d love to. But then you’d be unconscious and I wouldn’t be able to get information out of you, soooo...”
“And what information is that?”
“What the hell happened to you to make you like this?”
That was something she could try to beat out of me, but it wasn’t going to happen. I shoved her aside and went back out into the main area of the basement.
“I guess I just decided all that stuff was bullshit. Getting good grades, being the good daughter. Where did it get me? Nowhere. And I was miserable. I never got to have any fun because I was always working or trying to get those good grades or planning some sort of event for one of the million clubs I was in. I got tired of it, okay?” I understood them being upset about me partying and that sort of thing, but just because I wasn’t getting straight A’s anymore, that was a reason to have a coronary?
Renee grabbed my shoulder to stop me from running up the steps. I tried to shake her off, but she yanked me around to face her.
“No, that’s not it. You’ve spent your entire life following the rules. You don’t do that and then just flip a switch and change. People don’t change like that unless something makes them.” I’d had this conversation with her, with my parents, with my now ex-boyfriend and ex-friends. I told them all the same thing.
“Just leave me alone.” Everyone had, eventually.
Renee glared at me, her eyes turning a steely blue like they did when she was determined about something. Getting her to back off was going to be a challenge. She took stubborn to a whole new level.
“Fine. Go get the rest of your stuff.” She let go of my arm and jerked her chin up the stairs.
“Fine,” I said, stomping up the stairs.
Chapter 3
“Hey, Jos,” Darah said, coming in while I was putting my clothes away in the dresser. Her voice scared the crap out of me and I dropped the Fall Out Boy T-shirt I’d been refolding.
“Hey,” I said, picking up the shirt and turning around. I could never figure out how Darah and Renee had become friends, because they were like night and day. But out of all of Renee’s friends, I liked Darah the best. I hadn’t met Taylor yet, I supposed, so I couldn’t judge her.
“Are you settling in okay?” It was then that I noticed she had a plate of cookies. Oh, Jesus. What next? “Cookie? Taylor and I made them last night. They’re snickerdoodles. I know those are your favorite.” Yes, they were, but that wasn’t the point.
“Thanks, but I’m fine.” I refolded the T-shirt and put it in with the others. Darah sighed and sat down on my bed, setting the plate of cookies next to her.
“Look,” she started. Here we go again. “I know that everyone is going to be up in your face and scrutinizing you, but I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you. If you want to talk, if you don’t want to talk. Whatever. Even if you want to...I don’t know, eat ice cream and cry in the middle of the night. I’m here, okay?”
She got up and rubbed my shoulder. What was it with people invading my personal space? It was really starting to piss me off. If Darah hadn’t been one of the sweetest people on the planet, I would have shrugged her hand off and told her to leave me alone. But she was the sweetest person ever, and she’d brought cookies, so I let her touch me as I gritted my teeth.
“Okay, well, let us know if you need anything. Um, Hunter and Taylor are doing dinner tonight, and it’s going to be vegetarian, if you’re cool with that.” I nodded. Back in the day I’d been an on-and-off vegetarian. Back in the day when I’d been in the Climate Action Club and a card-carrying member of PETA. I might still have the thing in my wallet. God, I’d been wound so fucking tight back then. I’d also done a lot less cursing.
“Come on up when you’re ready.” She patted me once more and shut the door behind her, leaving the plate of cookies. Did they expect me to polish those off and then have dinner? I shrugged, snagging one of the cookies. She must have put them in the microwave, because they were warm and crumbly. Oh, wow. I chewed slowly, savoring the spicy sweetness of the cookie.
Footsteps and voices sounded upstairs. I heard laughter and chaos. The house above me was full of life and joy and people. And then there was me, hanging out in the basement. Lurking like a creeper. I shook my head and shoved the rest of the cookie into my mouth and went back to folding.
* * *
When the smell of whatever they were cooking upstairs became too much for me to withstand anymore, I ventured up the stairs.
“There you are,” Renee said, nearly crashing into me as I opened the door. She’d obviously been coming down to drag me upstairs from my cave.
“Here I am.” I gave her a tight smile as we walked into the kitchen/dining room. Everyone went absolutely silent as Renee and I walked in.
“Awesome. I was totally going for that reaction. Well played, everyone,” I said as they all tried to resume their normal activities. It was weird seeing some of them in person, because I’d only seen them in pictures. They really were three-dimensional.
Hunter was the first to come over and offer me his hand. I got to give him the once-over and I understood what Renee had said about not allowing him near anything flammable because he would set it on fire with his hotness. Yeah, he had the whole tatted-up, muscled thing going on. Plus his smile was genuine when he said he’d been looking forward to meeting me. Taylor was next, but she didn’t touch me. Thank God. She was also just as freaking adorable as the pictures I’d seen her in. It was easy to see why Renee and Darah had asked her to move in with them.
“I hope this is okay. I wasn’t sure what you’d like. We were planning on doing something bigger, but Renee... Never mind,” Taylor said, after getting the evil eye from Renee. I didn’t need to be able to see her giving it to know that was what she was doing. I’d been on the receiving end of that look more times than I could count. Paul stood next to Renee and gave me a comforting smile.
Last was a guy who looked like he missed his calling as a professional football player. Or wrestler. Or attractive bouncer. I guess sexy ran in the family of Hunter and Mase.
“Little Ne,” he said, giving me a handshake that nearly crushed all of my fingers. “It’s cool if we call you that, right? We’ll probably come up with a better nickname at some point. Unless you hate nicknames as much as your sister seems to.” He looked a little sheepish, which was kind of funny, given how strong he looked.
“Whatever,” I said, flexing my hand to get the feeling back into it. “I’m neutral in nicknames.” I couldn’t count how many I’d had in my life. Most of them I’d ignored, including when my sister Cari spent an entire summer calling me “Stinky Butt.” To be fair, she was three, and “Joscelyn” was a mouthful to say.
“Thanks for the cookies,” I said to Darah, who was absentmindedly stroking Mase’s arm. “They were really good.”
“Oh, good. I w
as hoping you’d like them,” Taylor said, stirring something in one of the steaming pots on the stove. “This is about ready, so why don’t you go sit down?”
“Is there, um, anything I can do to help?” Granted, I had been forced here, but they didn’t have to take me in. They could have said no.
“Don’t worry, sis. You’ll be on the chore chart soon enough,” Renee said, steering me toward the dining room table. Someone had already set out the plates, and there was a place set for me, with a card sitting on the plate, and yes, it was handmade.
“Taylor and Darah made that, so you have to gush about it even if you hate it,” Renee hissed as I opened it. How could I hate it? Someone had made some really cool designs with paint on the front that looked like fireworks, and there were letters cut from magazines spelling out the words WELCOME TO YELLOWFIELD HOUSE.
“Yellowfield House?” I said.
Renee rolled her eyes and sat down next to me, Paul on her other side. I caught him taking her hand under the table and giving it a squeeze.
“It was Taylor’s idea. She wanted it to be like in one of those British novels, where the house has a name. It was, like, the only way she’d agree to let us all live here. It was her one stipulation,” Renee said with a shrug.
“She wanted to make a sign and everything, but the rest of us vetoed it,” Paul said. “It was really cute, actually. She was so excited. And then we shot her down.”
“Um, weird,” I said.
“Shh,” Renee said as everyone else carried dishes and pans and other dinner paraphernalia. The second everyone sat down it was a chaos of passing plates and bumping elbows and trying to get everyone what they needed. Taylor had made spaghetti with an olive oil sauce with tons of vegetables and garlic bread and a salad. It was crazy delicious, and even though I’d consumed several of the cookies, I put away more than my share of dinner. It beat the hell out of the cafeteria food, or eating ramen for the millionth time.
Everyone laughed and talked about their day, and for the first time, I wasn’t the center of attention. It was really...nice. They were all just so damn happy and smiley and in love. It was enough to make me sick, but instead it somehow had the opposite effect. I’d really wanted to hate it here. It would have been more appropriate for me to hate it.
“Um, I still have some...stuff to unpack,” I said, getting up as soon as I could. I needed to get back to the loneliness of the basement. All the happy was screwing with my head. Renee shot me a look, but nodded.
“Are you sure you don’t want to hang out up here? You haven’t even seen the rest of the house yet,” Darah said, giving me a hopeful smile. I couldn’t really get out of that.
“Yeah, sure.” She led me upstairs, showing me her room, which was immaculate, as if they were selling the house and had a decorator come in to make it look good for prospective buyers. Renee refused to let us see her room, and Taylor only gave me a quick glance at her and Hunter’s suite on the top floor.
“Just ignore the clothes on the floor. I know I do.” Hunter and Taylor had tagged along for our little tour. It was technically his house, after all.
“Thanks. For...for letting me come here.” For letting my parents force me on you. I’m sure you had lots of choice in the matter.
“You’re welcome. Any member of Renee’s family is part of ours,” he said, putting an arm around Taylor. Did they have to do that all the time? “I hope everything...works out. I know what it’s like to go through a rough time.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’d heard all about Hunter’s and Taylor’s tragic pasts and subsequent “getting their shit together” moments. They were probably planning my intervention right now. Luring me into a false sense of security before springing it on me.
“Yeah, thanks,” I said as he closed their door and we went back downstairs.
“Are you sure you don’t want to join us for some music?” Darah said as she and Mase canoodled on the couch. What was this, the Partridge family? Seriously, these people were a Cleaver short of a heartwarming fifties family show. “Hunter’s a really good guitar player.”
“I’m good. I still have...stuff to do.”
“And things?” Renee said, giving me a look. Yeah, stuff and things, Renee.
“Am I not allowed to do stuff and things now? Was that the fifth rule on your list?” I snapped, realizing only after I’d said it that everyone could hear me.
“Whatever,” I said, heading for the basement. “I’m going to bed.” It was only eight, but I couldn’t take being around them anymore. They were just so damn happy. It was killing me. I needed to go back to the basement of doom and comfort myself with more cookies and heart-wrenching music.
“Good night,” they all chimed almost in unison. Sick, this was sick. Maybe there was something in the walls that seeped into their pores when they were sleeping. Or maybe it was the water?
I shook my head and walked back down to what I was quickly deciding was my cave. My basement of solitude.
My room reeked of the delicious cookies, and even though I was stuffed from dinner, I ate two more before heading to the shower. The water pressure was significantly better than the dorm, and I took my time, savoring the sensation on the back of my neck. All the showers in the world couldn’t wash away the darkness in my life, but that didn’t stop me from enjoying it.
The charm bracelet caught in my hair as I was brushing it and I spent a good five minutes and several curse words getting it undone.
We’re friends, right? And friends give each other gifts. I know how much you love elephants, so...here, he’d said when he’d presented me with the box. I remembered opening it and falling in love with it. Such a simple, sweet gesture. He’d helped me put it on, and I’d worn it every day since. Especially after...
I shook my head and turned on some music. Something nice and harsh and loud to drown out the Sing-Along hour going on upstairs. After scrolling through my recent purchases, I found the newest Skillet album. Perfect.
I could feel the joy seeping through the floor and invading my cave, so I turned the music up so loud that it was hurting my eardrums. I should have just put on my cost-an-arm-and-a-leg-and-a-kidney headphones, but I didn’t. I unpacked the rest of my stuff and deleted the voice mails from my mother and father, demanding that I call them when I’d gotten to Renee’s. I was sure she’d already called them and shared the news of my safe arrival.
My room was outfitted with a small television and DVD player, but I didn’t turn it on. Instead I got out my laptop and scrolled through my pictures from a year ago. I was torturing myself, I knew.
I remembered that girl. The one who always had her hair perfect with cute clips and had lots of cardigans and pumps. The girl who had a boyfriend who was headed for the White House, and had friends who never let her down. It wasn’t picture-perfect, but it had been as close as it could get. And it had been a complete and utter waste of time and energy.
I slammed my laptop shut and yanked the covers back on the bed and got in. My music was still blaring, but it seemed to be quiet upstairs. Finally. They all probably had class or whatever tomorrow. I was surprised Renee hadn’t been up my butt about registering for classes yet. I had all my paperwork to become a UMaine Black Bear, just like her.
I turned over on my side and closed my eyes. Sleep was far away, and elusive, but that’s how it always was now. I’d gotten used to passing hours by staring at the insides of my eyelids.
* * *
Several hours later, I decided I’d had enough. I needed to go somewhere else. Anywhere else, even if it was just to see the stars. I pulled some sweatpants on over my shorts and grabbed my winter coat and tiptoed up the stairs. I listened for a second to the almost-silent house before I pushed the door to the basement open and started creeping toward the front door. The floors were all hardwood, so creaking was going to be an issue.
And th
en a voice made me nearly jump out of my skin.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Mase’s head popped up from where he’d been lying on the couch in the living room. Holy...shit.
“Out for a walk,” I said, somehow finding something to say.
“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?”
“What?” He got up from the couch and came to stand in front of me, blocking access to the front door. Yeah, there was NO WAY I was getting past him. Not even if I had a weapon.
“Have a seat.” He clamped his hand on my shoulder and steered me toward the couch. I tried to fight him, but he was even stronger than he looked.
“Who are you? My dad?” Actually, my dad never really cared this much what I did. He was always too busy with his current wife and one of my numerous siblings to notice if I skipped out.
He sighed and sat down next to me. “Look, I know you’re going through a tough time. I’m familiar with those. Hunter was in really bad shape for a long time, so while I can’t say I know what you’re going through, I know that whatever you were going to do by leaving this house in the middle of the night isn’t going to help.”
“But—” I tried to get up, and he stopped me again. “I wasn’t going to do anything. I just...needed some space.”
He smiled and shook his head. “You’re not leaving this house right now, capiche?” He pulled me up from the couch and shoved me toward the basement. “Even if I have to sit outside your bedroom door.”
“Why do you care?” I said as I stumbled down the stairs back to my room.
He laughed. “Because Renee said she would drug me, remove my dick and sew it to my face if I let anything happen to you, and I kind of like where my dick is in its present location.”
I almost laughed, too.
“Sounds like Renee.” I paused outside the bedroom door, and he sat down on the stairs.
“I’m also betting that her stubbornness is genetic, so please don’t make me come down here again. I have class in—” he glanced at the clock on the DVD player “—a few hours, so I’d like to get some sleep.” He yawned and started to go back up the stairs.