13 Revenge
Meanwhile, Matthews was quite unaware of the disastrous effects his rejection had had on his lieutenant. Indeed he had scarcely seen him since. His own desperate attempts to get over him had been singularly lacking in success. Hardy had done his best, he had slept with him the first night, but it had soon dawned on him that Hardy’s best was nowhere near as exciting as Kent’s slightest caress or attention. He realised he had been attracted by Kent himself as much as his body. Unfairly, he made continual comparisons and wondered whether he had made the biggest mistake of his life when he told Kent to go. Perhaps he couldn’t give Kent up.
Could he ask him back? If he did, he would have to get right down from his dignity and beg him. Instantly, Matthews shied away from the idea, he couldn’t bear to lose face before him. Underneath this reaction was a fear, so suppressed it was unconscious, that if he ever dropped the control on his feelings toward Kent, Kent would dominate him. And he desperately wanted Kent’s admiration and respect.
The Lieutenant went in search of the Captain as soon as he left Simenson. He knew he was scheduled to be off duty and checked the gym and the common room before going to his quarters. Giving himself no time to reconsider, he flashed his ID at the door and entered. It was the first time they had been face to face since Matthews had dumped him and he was sourly gratified to see the other man step back involuntarily. “What do you want, Lieutenant?”
Kent wondered what would happen if he said, “You.” But he didn’t. “I want to hand you my official request for a transfer, sir, and ask that you confirm it.”
Matthews blinked as the ground fell away from beneath him and reached out to steady himself. “Uh? What?”
“My transfer, sir, you need to sign it,” Kent proffered the form, more than half hoping the Captain would dash it to the ground.
“Your reason?”
“Uh... personal reasons, sir, related to Rule 158,” Kent almost drawled the words.
Matthews’ face was a mask, what could he do? Afterwards he could never decide what made him do as he did, whether he was trying to make Kent go or stay, but he took the form, wrote on it calmly and gave it back.
Whatever the Captain had intended, it acted on Kent like a slap in the face. Instantly he was furiously, boilingly angry, he wanted to humiliate Matthews and hurt him and hurt him. His voice was dangerously calm. “Am I dismissed, sir?”
Oblivious of Kent’s rage, the Captain nodded briskly and turned away. In one quick motion, the Lieutenant stepped forward and wrenched Matthews’ right arm up behind his back, exerting enough pressure to break it if he resisted. Gradually he forced him down until the Captain was on his knees in front of him, almost before he had realised what was happening. Finally he found his voice. “What on Earth do you think you are doing?”
The other man considered. “Assaulting you!”
“Richard, just think a minute. You won’t get off this time. Assaulting a ship’s captain is not assault, it’s mutiny!”
In his present mood, the Lieutenant couldn’t have cared less. He simply stared down at him then lowered his head, his lips curved in an almost cruel smile. For the first time Matthews understood what he was going to do, fear raced through him and he leapt desperately at his only protection. “Stop this at once, that’s an order!”
Kent dropped his mouth on his and cut him off. Matthews closed his lips angrily and Kent backed off. With calm deliberation he slapped him twice across the face, then kissed him again, using his teeth to hurt. Matthew’s anger turned to desperation—he couldn’t bear for Richard to punish him with sex, he wanted him to love him, not hate him. This might even be enough to break him, something that nothing had ever managed to do before.
With his free hand, Kent wrenched the Captain’s uniform open to the waist. He rested his fingers lightly on his throat as he kissed him again then slid them down to his bare stomach, the very sensitivity of the caress a mockery. He took his mouth away for a moment to ask abruptly, “Did you sleep with Hardy? Did you?”
Kent saw instantly in his eyes that he had. “Did he do this to you, did he?” he asked savagely and thrust his own hand between the Captain’s thighs and grabbed him, right through his uniform.
Matthews bit his lip. How he had longed—ached—for Kent to arouse him, but not with hate. He felt himself responding and squirmed with humiliation. He shut his eyes, he couldn’t take much more.
“It seems like perhaps you aren’t over me after all, or is it the violence that excites you?”
Suddenly Matthews couldn’t bear the sneering any longer, he started to shake uncontrollably.
“Stop that, do you hear, stop that!” Kent demanded angrily, but the Captain couldn’t. To his surprise, Kent let him go and he fell straight to the floor. He stayed there a minute getting his breath back, then struggled awkwardly to his feet. Kent came toward him again and he panicked. He lashed out wildly as if his years of training had never existed. His fist connected with Kent’s stomach before the other man grabbed his wrists and pushed him back against the wall.
Kent began to force his hands down to his sides and it became a battle of strength. Matthews was strong, but Kent had wrists and muscles like whipcord, and was gradually, inch by inch overpowering him. Kent kept his eyes on his face, watching the Captain gradually realise he was helpless. Swallowing what was left of his pride, Matthews pleaded.
“Don’t touch me again. Please Richard. I can’t take any more.” This from Matthews, a man who had won medals for courage!
“Please, Richard.”
“And if I let you go?” asked Kent in an odd voice.
“I’ll forget all about this and let you transfer without any trouble. I promise!” he looked desperately at his tormenter.
Kent smiled. Matthews started to relax. And then Kent hit him across the mouth, “Coward!”
Matthews broke, his control shredded, unable to stop the words pouring from his heart. “Please don’t. I love you so much, this is tearing me apart!”
Kent’s hands fell to his sides, he felt stunned. “What do you mean, you love me?”
“I love you! I love you more than anything.”
Kent looked at him blankly. “Then why the bloody hell did you throw me over for Hardy?” he demanded.
“You were right, I’m a coward. I love you so much it frightened me. I couldn’t bear the thought that one day you wouldn’t come when I wanted you, so I thought I’d give you up before it was too late. I knew I was getting to the stage where I’d do anything, anything, to keep you, and a ship’s Captain can’t afford to be like that. So I took Hardy to try and forget you. God was that a disaster! It didn’t work of course—I was already in love with you.” Matthews paused, questioningly, “I thought you’d be glad to be rid of me— was I wrong?”
Kent just stared at him. “Oh my God, Luke, you were so wrong! I was so hurt and bewildered... and jealous I went crazy!”
“Jealous?” Matthews was uncomprehending.
“Yes you bloody great idiot, jealous! I would have thought it was obvious. There I was admiring, worshipping you and then you added sexual attraction to that, what would you expect other than I’d fall head over heels in love with you? And then you dropped me with a polite ‘I won’t be wanting you any more,’ and today I just lost it! I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me.”
Oh God, what had he done? Richard had been falling in love with him and he’d never guessed. He’d held the possibility of heaven in his hands and he’d thrown it to the floor and stamped his heel on it. “I am so, so sorry, Richard, I never meant to hurt you. I never even dreamt you... you were falling for me, I thought you were just going through the motions. Believe me, I would never have started something with someone else if I’d known.”
Kent stared at him, wondering how much to believe, it hadn’t seemed to him as if the Captain had cared for him at all.
Matthews had to ask, even though he alr
eady feared the answer. “Do you think you could ever forgive me?”
Kent paused, then told him flatly, “I asked Nguyen to have sex with me today.”
And there it was, just like that, an instant knife through his heart. If Richard had felt anything like he was feeling now, he could understand exactly why he had hit him. In fact he would have slapped himself around if he could have. Unfortunately, after what he had done, he had absolutely no right to object.
“Oh. I see. I’ve really messed this up haven’t I?” It should have been he who was Richard’s first lover, better yet his only lover, not someone else. “I know it’s probably too late now, but I didn’t actually sign your transfer papers, you know.”
“What?” Kent searched hastily for the form and looked at what the Captain had actually written. Instead of his signature there were two words. “Don’t go.”
The colour drained from his face. He looked back at Matthews and blurted, “I didn’t sleep with Nguyen. He turned me down, he knew I didn’t really mean it.”
As they were standing there, staring at each other, each wondering what next, the door chimed and broke the moment. Matthews turned to see whose ID was flashing and winced, it was Hardy. He so did not want to see him but he had to. He looked at Kent, “I’m sorry, Richard, but I need to see him. I need to end the relationship. It’s over, whatever happens between you and me.”
Kent merely nodded and left as Hardy entered, unable to bear being in the same room as him. Hardy stared with raised eyebrows at the Captain’s open uniform. “What’s been going on here?”
Matthews found the next scene as unpleasant as he had feared. He knew he had treated Hardy badly and listened with as much patience as he could to his complaints, but he also knew there had been no real feelings involved on either side. Eventually he persuaded him to leave, already planning a transfer under Rule 158 for him. Perhaps it wasn’t fair but it was necessary. He would do the best he could to get him a good berth on another, non-proscribed, ship.