cross the burn so carefully
in the city so much rushing
try so hard to move so slow
is it boredom turns my mind to
bask in miss Nostalgia’s glow
such an old land built on freedom
like the eagle watch him soar
gently floating in the sunshine
carrying memories for evermore
take me home to the cuillans
back to the mountains of my youth
take me back to the cuillans
peaks of innocence and truth
**~top~**
my father
Both my parents were very keen on fishing. When we were old enough we'd very occasionally be allowed to accompany dad on a late evening fishing trip. There would only be enough room for one pillion passenger on the back of his Honda 125, and more often than not it would be our Robert – but sometimes it would be me. I was a lousy fisherman – mind too filled with nonsense to sit still for long enough – and always drawing pictures. But those days sitting by Loch Lubnaig sipping too strong tea from plastic thermos cups remain precious memories.
my father
your heart is of the Rannock Moor
purple braes a wondrous sight
casting a fly
sharing a pint
how I long for your company tonight
quiet solitude aside the loch
steamy mugs fight chill of night
nocturnal whispers
no need to talk
how I miss your company tonight
words of wonder, nature, laughter
to my young eyes you saw things right
to see such beauty
in a rowan tree
how I long to hear you talk tonight
that quiet voice so hard to catch
sowed the seeds of art that night
nothing biting but
imagination
how I miss your gentle voice tonight
left our land far long ago
once jet black now snowy white
a world away
but always close
in my heart I’m in your company tonight
**~top~**
going steady
I've always been one to put ladies on a bit of a pedestal – nothing wrong with that – but what happens when real life seeps in? When we were young a “steady” girlfriend was a serious step. “Steady” was the phase after “wynching” (or going out) but prior to marriage. Of course nowadays, while the end result is the same, the road travelled is different.
going steady
I don’t know why
I never imagined in my wildest dreams
that you could do such a thing
I didn’t know that you could fart
it just never occurred to me
all those cosy candlelit dinners
those late night spicy Thai takeaways
and not a hint
even that awful BYO works barbeque
proved to be
a fart-free
fricassee
but now
after last night
I wonder
it was just a little plop
not even a real fart
just a teeny tiny addition
to the hole in the ozone layer
hardly worth bothering about
but it’s got me wondering
I mean
what’s next
I mean
what if I lift up the duvet
and discover a big
silent but deadly
just lurking there
waiting for me
and come to think of it
what did you do before
hold it in
for four months
that can’t be good for you
but hang it all
you’re a girl
and I never thought girls
well
did that sort of thing
farted I mean
I just can’t imagine why I…
hey, wait a minute
hold the bus
does this mean
we’re
going steady
**~top~**
the map
In the 70's we saw the emergence of 'new' towns – those concrete manufactured monstrosities that were supposedly designed from the ground up for perfect urban living. Huge carparks on the outskirts of the town serviced by bus and train routes to take you into the heart of the town – hopefully now they have some soul – in those early days they were certainly dreary enough places. Come Christmas time we'd sometimes be told that we were going to shop in a new place with the idea that the gifts on offer would be a bit different. More often or not, we'd try to steer our mother towards Christmas shopping in the Barras – the street market area of Glasgow – but once I recall her deciding upon Livingston Newtown as her place of choice.
the map
standing here
a genetic experiment
a cross between a drowned rat
and a frozen gorilla
with maybe a wee bit of pack mule
thrown in for good measure
suppose that’s from your side of the family
all the while you just stand there
looking at me
through the drizzle
with that look
the one that says its all my fault
me
not we
but me
my fault
well, I’ll have you know my dear
that I know exactly where I am
precisely located
slap bang in the middle of this dirty big puddle
being talked at
by you
what’s more
I’m frozen to the marrow
can’t feel my ears
my nose
or my feet
though my arms are now
plenty long enough to reach them
since I’ve been carrying your four bags
of overpriced Christmas crap
into every nook and cranny
in the city
for five hours
and now
you want to drag me back
through that gauntlet
of venomous wee bissoms
wi’ eye gouging umbrellas
to buy a map
a map!
now let me get this straight
we parked the car under a wee animal
some kind of rodent
and we’re not sure if it’s a stoat
a badger
or a weasel
and of course
there’s not a name to be found
because some city planner
in their infinite wisdom
had the grand idea
of using silhouettes of local wildlife
for carpark navigation
and they all look the same
and of course
to cap it all
it’s a brand new town
so it’s impossible to get your bearings
but still
you want to go
and buy
a map
do you think we’ll maybe open it up
and find a big red cross where we parked the car
or perhaps it will have a detailed
Flora and fauna section
pointing out that the
natural habitat of the
champagne pink diahatsu
is
weasily recognised
through it’s cunning ability to blend in
with ten thousand other
champagne pink diahatsus
thus rendering it
stoatilly invisible
or maybe…
just maybe...
wait a minute…
we parked under the stag’s head
**~top~**
the g
iraffe and the tattie howker
What can I say, it all actually happened. Well, maybe not exactly the way it is set out here – but certainly close enough. I discovered very quickly that tall, lanky, skinny people are seriously disadvantaged when it comes to picking (or howking) potatoes. We were picked up by a covered truck at around five in the morning and taken god knows where, well into the country – for one of the most painful days of my life – bent double all day – hands constantly trampled upon – back breaking work – and a heavy dose of resentment towards our team – until I put my hand up and asked the gruff foreman, in my best Dickens manner, if he could please direct me to the wash hand basin – after that we were in – part of the crew – and while I don't think we added much to the labour force, we managed to have a bit of a laugh at ourselves – but never again!
the giraffe and the tattie howker
I’ve always thought of giraffes
as a bit dumb
those “special creatures”
of the African plain
gentle souls
sporting too tight tee shirts
with inappropriate slogans
tucked into
even tighter brighter sweat pants
with elasticated waistbands
nestling neatly under the armpits
gentle enough
but not quite the full Einstein
if you get my meaning
and come to think of it
which pocket Einstein
coined the phrase “Bright Idea”
when we know for a fact
that such ideas are always
ventured by dullards
and invariably end in
unmitigated disaster
I’ve seen plenty of television campaigns
educating the world
on the dangers of
drink driving
drinking and violence
even drinking and cooking
but not once
never
have I ever seen or heard a word
to prepare me against the dangers
of a drunken flatmate
with a bright idea
one is always caught by the unexpected
I mean
had one expected that one of the chaps
would be capable of giving birth
to an actual idea
let alone remaining coherent enough to
express it in its entirety
then one would have come a bit more prepared
there should be a law
against giving alcohol
to idea virgins
the very concept of
spending rent money on alcohol
whilst attractive
in a juvenile delinquent kind of way
was obviously seriously flawed from the outset
oh yes!
the red barron would need to get up
pretty early in the morning
to score a hit
with an idea like that
but just as snoopy was loading up the necessaries
to shoot this sad attempt down in flames
no easy task given the hour
the red barron executed a cunning barrel roll manoeuvre
and breached defences
with a totally unexpected follow-up
the team
would join his new found friend and owner
of a tattie howking truck
at 5 o'clock in the morning
am, The early one
for a day of gentle exercise
at the agreed upon rate of
ten quid per hour
arrangements already having been agreed
over a quick shake
in the men’s urinal
the rent
thereby being replenished
prior to the arrival
of gay Ronnie – the landlord
on Sunday evening
idea virgins should never be allowed
to visit public toilets
they should be fitted with
compulsory catheter bags at birth
only allowing them to be
surgically removed
after two bone fide ideas
have been researched and tested
picture if you will
those first moments in Bambi
when the poor little deer
takes his first steps
splay legged on the ice
only this time
bat those six blue jays for a six
and replace the snow crusted pond
with a fly infested field
of uncouth tattie howking trolls
add to this a vociferous
cruella de villa maria
insanely piloting a viciously loud
and savagely vicious
John Deere tractor
up and down,
up and down…
and remember
the incessantly chattering little rabbit
Thumper
well ditch the annoying little bunny
and replace him with an
irrepressible little ideas virgin
who, having consumed an inordinate
amount of theakstons old peculiar
the night before
is still so carried away with the enthusiasm
of his master plan actually taking flight
that he totally fails to recognise the
precariousness
of the predicament
I mean
where is the wash-hand basin?
I’ve gained a new-found respect for giraffes
I used to think that those
spindly little legs at the back
gave them a sort of ungainly look
lopsided
but now I’ve come to realise
that it’s all part of the grand design
those silly little legs at the back
are simply there to stop the giraffe
from landing face first in the mud
when he’s tattie howking
**~top~**
an intelligent mistake
I don't know why it took so much courage to tell my mother that I wanted to go to college and not to university. I hated school and wanted to get the whole process of studying over with as fast as possible – little did I know...eh? I seem to have spent weeks trying to find just the right opening to tell her I wanted to leave school early and take a College crash course – if I worked hard I could graduate before I was twenty. Well, the interview didn't go any too smoothly, but she let me do it – and I even managed to equip myself not to badly in the process - with distinction even – this was written as a reminder to myself to always be an accessible parent.
an intelligent mistake
ah’m black affronted
stupefied
the vera thoucht gies me gip
cuts tae the quick
right tae the bone
ah feel it right here
in ma chest
whit oan earth did ye think
ye were up tae
did ye think at a’
were ye led oan
ah bet it wis thon
so called pal o’ yourn
some mate
a right eejit if ye ask me
a big lanky streak o nuthin
jist whit wis ye thinkin
an how did ye think we wid manage it
an yer dad wi his arteries an a'
an me wi three joabs
no tae mention the bairn
an never a night at the bingo
this past year
ur ye oot o’ yur mind or sumpthin
is that it
dae ye actually huv a screw loose
has somebiddy mibbe
banged ye oan the heid
when ye weren’y lookin
ah canny believe it
ah really can't
defies logic so it
does
so ok
come oan noo
ah’m listening
jist whit exactly dae ye think
yer gonna dae
at thon
college
**~top~**
space cadet
When we were kids, one of the greatest highlights of the year was hogmany – more important than Christmas even – because that's when we would be visited by distant relatives. Many people have heard about the strange Scottish custom of hogmany but few understand the intricacies. An elaborate spread would be laid out on the sideboard (start the year off as you want it to continue) and one of us older kids would be placed on constant guard duty – to stop the younger kids from pinching the goodies on offer – and heaven help you if there was so much as a chocolate biscuit missing before the relatives arrived. We took this duty way too seriously – and being not too long after man first landed on the moon – and having a head filled with Star Trek, Dr Who, Lost in Space... well, you can guess the rest.
space cadet
sentry duty
phasers on stun
the final frontier
lieutenant solo
hans solo
lone wookie
final defense against alien invasion
attack of the sibling - the fat one menace
they come at you
when you least expect it
lightening strikes
from deep bedroom
where no man
has yet been bold enough to go
built for only one purpose
total annihilation of the herds of
chocolate fingers
gently grazing on the madeira plains
remember khalel – you’re our only hope
may the force be with you
communication announces the imminent arrival
of ambassadors
from the planet
relativo
travelling on spaceship “vauxhall”
alien forces let loose
chaos, carnage and cacophony
but the space cadet has been expecting this
training for it
task force delta successfully wards off the invasion
successfully managing to
shake off the klingons
glory is shortlived
summoned to the galley
for catering detail
yoda smiles as you take over the refuelling station
remember the energy cubes to be adding
two per shipment will you
anxious to get back to the front line
the cadet realises that it’s too quiet
way too quiet
suddenly it all clicks into place
time slows
lost in space
underwater commands
spewing like last centuries cassette tapes
too late
they’ve let loose the dog of war
k9 a black hole
a whirlwind of destruction
sucks up everything in sight
the space cadet’s
treacle slow reflexes
no match for this
weapon of mass disruption
the bio-truncheon
shows no mercy
in the flailing riot-squad
attack on the ambassador
dad vadars fury pervades the very cosmos
spittle flying like a meteor shower
the wrath of can’t
demoted
disgraced
dispirited
loss of face
confined to quarters
dereliction of duty
court-martial imminent
beam me up scotty!