I wished she’d spoken in Spanish so I could have understood her better. Because long into the night the words—misused as they might have been—still echoed in my head:
Nobody girl.
Nobody girl.
Nobody girl.
Me.
**********
The beginning of that summer was unbearably hot. A month after school ended, I got a job working evenings as a hostess at the IHOP in town. Working nights allowed me to continue helping my mama at the motel.
Though it wasn’t much, the extra income allowed me to buy a few new summer clothes—ones I desperately needed—and help put some more decent food on the table.
I was happy to be busy, and relieved to be helping around the house. And I was also thankful to be so tired every day that I barely had the strength to miss Preston.
Both boys were working on their family farm that last summer and would leave in August for college on the East Coast. My heart pinched whenever I thought about it, even though I hadn’t seen Cole since school ended and hadn’t seen Preston since that night when we’d danced under the lights of the Laundromat.
Just the thought of them being so far away caused grief to well up in my throat. They’d been a constant in my world, seemingly all my life. I couldn’t remember a time when their twin smiles hadn’t been waiting for me right up the road, even if I went months and months without seeing them.
Cole surprised me one evening as I was leaving work. I laughed when he stepped in front of me, grinning and almost causing me to trip over my own feet.
“Hi,” I breathed, joy rising within at his familiar face. “What are you doing here?”
He grinned. “One of my friends mentioned he saw you working here.”
I nodded. “Just for a month now.”
“I’ve missed you. You’re a hard person to pin down, Annalia Del Valle.”
I laughed softly. “Right, because so many are trying . . . to . . . pin me down.”
“I am. I’m trying to pin you down.” His eyes were searching and I looked away on a laugh, feeling slightly awkward.
“I thought we’d see more of each other this year with going to the same school, but we really didn’t, did we?”
I shrugged, knowing it was my fault. I’d avoided them there. And the bedbug incident, as I referred to it now in my mind, had been proof that I’d been right to do so. “You were seniors this year. I was just a freshman. Our paths just didn’t cross much.”
He smiled. “Hmm. Well, here we are tonight, our paths crossing. I thought you might need an escort home.”
Nerves prickled. Preston had seen my house, and I hadn’t liked it. I didn’t want to repeat the experience with Cole. I turned back toward the door when I heard Cathy—my coworker and the girl who usually gave me a lift home—exiting behind me. “I’ve got an escort tonight, Cathy.”
Cathy grinned and waved as she turned in the direction of her car. I turned back to Cole. “Where’s your truck?”
“Preston has it tonight.”
I cleared my throat, refusing to think about where Preston might be. Or namely who Preston might be with. I nodded. “You can walk me to my turnoff.”
His eyes lingered on me for a moment but then he nodded. “All right.” We walked in silence for a few minutes before he asked, “Are you really okay? After what—”
“I’m fine.” My cheeks colored and I was glad for the dim outside lighting. I didn’t want to talk about the incident—it still mortified me.
He looked thoughtful for a moment before he put his hands in his pockets and glanced up at the moon. He seemed especially pensive tonight and reminded me of his brother. “Are you okay?”
It was still strange spending time with Cole without Preston there. I was so aware of his absence—probably even more so than if I’d been completely alone. Although it was funny because I hadn’t felt that way when I’d spent time with just Preston.
“Yeah, I’m fine. We’re, uh . . . we’re leaving in a couple of days.”
I stopped and turned to him, startled. “A couple of days? I thought you were leaving mid-August?”
He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. “Our dorm opened up earlier than we were originally told it would, and Preston thought it’d be good to get out there and look for jobs before school started.”
My heart sank. “Oh. Jobs. Right . . .” I licked my lips, a sense of panic filling my chest. I blinked at him. “You’re here to say goodbye.”
He nodded and it was the first time I thought I’d seen an expression of sadness etched into the lines of Cole’s handsome face. “Yeah.” He looked off into the distance for a moment before meeting my gaze again. “I could have borrowed my dad’s truck tonight but I kind of just wanted to walk. I’ve been walking through town, just . . . remembering. Feels so strange to know I’m going to wake up somewhere other than here for the next four years.”
I took a deep, calming breath. Despite my sadness, I was happy for them. “You’re finally getting out of here,” I said, offering him a weak smile, the only one I could muster at the moment.
He smiled back and took my hand as we started walking again, giving it a squeeze. “I’m going to miss this place,” he said, grinning wider.
I tilted my head and looked at him sideways. “Yeah? Where are you gonna be?”
“In a college classroom, gettin’ myself educated.”
I laughed softly, squeezing his hand back. I was happy for Cole, truly and deeply. This time the joke we’d always laughed about wasn’t a joke at all, but reality.
We turned out of town and started walking slowly down the dirt road that led to his house and the turnoff for the road to mine.
The luminous moon cast a glow on the miles of farmland stretched to either side of us, the hills in the distance a dark outline against the indigo sky. “Are you going to miss it here at all?”
He shrugged. “I’m going to miss you.”
I smiled. “I’m going to miss you, too. This town is going to seem so much smaller when you’re gone.”
“Without my larger-than-life personality?”
I laughed softly. “Yeah, actually.”
We walked in companionable silence for several minutes and before I knew it, we’d reached the dirt road that separated us in more ways than one.
“Here we are,” I said softly, feeling a sudden overwhelming sadness. This was goodbye. I had no idea if this was goodbye forever, if he would go off to college and forget all about me, or if I really meant more to him. I wasn’t naïve about the parties and girls college would offer him. And Preston.
Cole turned to me and took me in his arms, lowering his mouth to mine. He pulled me close and kissed me deeply, his tongue twisting with mine. I tried to lose myself in the kiss but only felt half-involved. It was the last physical contact I’d get for a long time, possibly forever, though I refused to consider that dismal possibility too closely.
When we parted, he smiled and looked at me for several moments, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I couldn’t make out his exact expression in the dimness of the night but it looked thoughtful, and for a moment, I wondered if he was going to make note of there not being a spark between us. “I know we barely got started, Lia, but wait for me.”
I tilted my head, our bodies still pressed together. “Wait for you . . .” I repeated, surprised. My thoughts had been going in such an opposite direction.
“Don’t give yourself to someone else.”
I let out a rush of breath and pulled away. Did he really have no idea how few friends I had? “That’s not likely, Cole.” I was only fifteen, but even so, the only boys who had ever even given me the time of day were Preston and Cole. And that might be mostly because we’d been friends since we were little kids.
I shook my head. “But . . .” I paused as I gathered my thoughts, “you have so much living to do. This is your dream. Enjoy every second of it to the fullest. For both of us, okay?”
He smiled, l
eaning in and kissing my forehead. “Okay.”
We lingered in our goodbye but finally it was time to go. I turned and walked away from Cole, looking over my shoulder once to wave back to him. But he’d already turned in his own direction.
CHAPTER FIVE
Preston – Eighteen Years Old
I’d watched from a distance as she’d tilted her head back and laughed, her hair flowing in thick curls down her back. I’d watched as my brother took her hand and begun walking her home, my guts twisting with jealousy.
I leaned back on the seat, taking in deep breaths of air. I’d come to say goodbye and hadn’t realized Cole had the same idea.
I’d avoided her since that night in the Laundromat. It hadn’t been difficult. We were so busy on the farm, and Cole and I felt like we needed to help Dad as much as possible before we were both gone, leaving him short, leaving him to handle the things we’d always done. He’d hired a couple of guys to do the work we’d been doing but still, he was going on sixty-two—it was time for him to be slowing down, not working harder than ever.
I hovered between wanting to spend every day helping out at home, and all day far, far away. My parents were fighting more than they’d ever fought before, and I was sick of the endless yelling, the endless sound of my mom’s sobs echoing through the house, and the way I’d look out of my window at night where I could just barely see the glow of a cigarette coming from the barn where my dad would smoke and pace, not knowing how to handle her constant high emotions.
And then she’d come downstairs and glare at me before bursting into more tears, gripping my shirt and crying as I held her. “Say something,” she’d sob. But what was I supposed to say?
So she’d pull back and turn away muttering how I was just like him.
Once I’d gone out to the barn where my dad was after one of their fights and he’d looked at me and sighed before muttering, “Don’t ever marry a woman just because she makes you feel weak in the knees, son. It isn’t enough.” And it’d made me feel sad and confused and frustrated with both of them.
Lia made me feel weak in the knees. And maybe I knew what my dad meant because there was an achy pain associated with that knowledge.
I watched Lia continue to laugh as Cole said something else and then they turned out of sight. And as much as I wished it was me with her tonight, I couldn’t deny that I loved watching her smile—even if it was because of Cole.
I pictured her tiny rundown house, the squalor I’d glimpsed over her mother’s shoulder, and my throat clogged with heartache. Lia deserved every second of happiness she could get.
I pulled out of the parking lot and headed home.
Later that night when Cole came in, I was sitting in the kitchen going over some paperwork regarding the farm that I wanted to get in order before we left. Dad had never been one for keeping things organized and I could only imagine how the farm’s files would be neglected when we left.
“If I wanted to file stuff, I’d have worked in an office,” Dad would drawl. “I’m a farmer, not an accountant.”
I looked up when the back door opened and Cole came sauntering in, opening the refrigerator and pulling out the orange juice and taking a long drink straight from the carton.
He flopped down at the table, yawning and running his hand through his hair and peering at the form I was filling out. “Dad’s gonna have to get by without us, you know. You should let him start getting used to it.”
“I don’t mind.”
After a minute I looked up and he was watching me curiously. “What?”
“Nothing. Aren’t you going to ask where I was tonight?”
“I know where you were. I saw you walking with Lia.”
He raised his eyebrows and smiled as he leaned back in the chair, balancing it on two legs. For a minute I wanted to give him a small push and watch him topple over backward onto the floor.
I had mixed emotions about going away to college—and especially so far away. Part of me wanted to stay right here on the farm I loved, but part of me longed to get away from the tense mood in our house. And, I could admit, from that achy pain of loving Annalia.
When we’d been applying to colleges, I’d thought that if I had to go away, having my brother there would make it easier. But now . . . now I was second-guessing that idea. Now I was thinking it might have been better to avoid him for the next four years.
“She’s going to wait for me.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Wait for you . . .”
“While I’m away.”
“What does that even mean?”
He shrugged. “It means I want her. She’s too young for anything more than kissing now. But she won’t be when we get back. And I don’t want her to give herself to some asshole who’s going to end up using her.” His brow furrowed. “Lia, she’s so . . . shy and withdrawn sometimes. I’d hate for her to get involved with the wrong guy, some asshole who wouldn’t have her best interests at heart.”
My stomach churned with pent-up jealousy and want, and it annoyed and angered me. I didn’t want her to give herself to anyone either. I didn’t want to know that she’d given herself to Cole, even if he’d only kissed her. Tasted her. I knew he had but hearing the words aloud made it even worse somehow. The knowledge that she wanted him, had responded to him physically, already sat inside me like a heavy weight of misery. “She’s fifteen. She shouldn’t be waiting for anyone.”
He brought his chair forward, the front legs making a soft clack when they hit the floor. He shrugged. “I asked her and she said yes.”
I stared at him for a moment before pushing the paperwork away and standing up. “I’m going to bed.”
“We’ve all been friends for a long time, Pres. Aren’t you going to go say goodbye to her?”
I had turned and started walking to the stairs but halted at his question. I thought of that night in the Laundromat when I’d danced with Annalia. I thought about how I’d held her close and yearned to kiss her with every beat of my heart. And for a moment I’d thought I’d felt her body react to mine and wondered if the vulnerability in her eyes wasn’t just the sweet defenselessness I’d always seen shining from those green depths, but maybe it was more. Maybe it was directed at me and maybe she might want to kiss me, too.
But I’d agreed to step back for Cole if I lost that damn race and he’d already moved in—slowly, and pretty late in the game as far as us leaving, but moved in nonetheless. Brother honor. A man is only as good as his word.
For a second I’d almost said to hell with it. To hell with brother honor. To hell with my word being any good. To hell with anything that didn’t involve my lips on Lia’s and the proclamation that she was mine, that she’d always been mine, regardless of contests or a spit-wet handshake, or even my palm on a Bible and the eyes of a thousand people bearing witness to a sworn oath.
What happened when your words agreed to something but your heart couldn’t be swayed? But then I’d remembered I was going away. She was so damn young and so was I for that matter. What was the point anyway? She’d responded to Cole just as I’d figured she would. If I was the one who could call her mine, would she have waited for me? The thought brought a sharp ache. Within my love for Lia had always existed an edge of pain and maybe it was best to get out from under the grip of something that brought as much hurt as it did joy. Time would do that. Distance would do that.
Aren’t you going to say goodbye to her?
I closed my eyes on the memory of how her soft, slender body had felt pressed against me and how sweet she’d smelled. And that was the memory I wanted to take with me. Without turning, I answered, “I already did.”
CHAPTER SIX
Four Years Later
Annalia
“Hey, Annalia, are you coming with us?” I turned around to see Lacie heading for the door with her jacket slung over her arm. “We’re going to Brady’s. One drink?”
I paused, ready to say no, but then reconsidered. They’d asked me so many tim
es and I always said no. Pretty soon they wouldn’t even ask me anymore. I could stop for one drink on my way home. Why not? “Sure.” I smiled. “I’m just finishing up here. I’ll be done in five.”
Lacie’s smile held a fair bit of surprise. “Awesome. We’ll see you there.” She waved as she pushed open the double glass door.
I quickly finished up the side work I’d been doing, removed my small waitressing apron and clocked out, calling a goodnight to the kitchen workers.
Fifteen minutes later I was pulling my small beater car up in front of Brady’s, a local dive bar, and hopping out. I’d stay for an hour tops and then head home. It’d been a long shift, and I was tired and smelled like syrup and bacon. It had been a pleasant, comforting smell once, but after four years, I was over it.
It was unseasonably hot, even for June, and though the sun had already set, the air was stuffy and still.
The state had officially declared a drought just two months earlier, but the local farmers had been worried about their crops far longer than that. We were a farming town and what happened at the farms affected every business in the area. So everyone was worried, living and breathing the weather forecast and glancing constantly at the sky for the most scant sign of rain even the experts may have missed.
I couldn’t help wondering about Sawyer Farm and how they were dealing with the drought. I’d spoken to Cole occasionally over the years, and I’d even seen him a couple of times when he’d come home for one break or another. He’d pulled me to him both times, smiling and kissing me, but we’d ended up talking more than making out. I wondered vaguely if Cole was seeing other girls in college but didn’t ask him. I sort of figured he was—and really, he should—but it didn’t weigh on my mind, so what was the point in potentially creating an uncomfortable situation or causing him to believe I was suggesting he shouldn’t be dating?