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“Okay,” she says softly. “Sounds like a game plan. ”
I give her a small smile to show her no hard feelings and leave her office.
But there are so many hard feelings, and I better learn how to process through them if I’m going to be able to move on from her.
***
The next day, I’m attempting to slog through the workday after another shitty, sleepless night. I dreamed of Mac… of course, except it wasn’t a sexy, p**n ographic dream… it was more like a nightmare. I don’t even remember the details of it, but I felt Mac getting pulled away from me and it felt like my heart was getting pulled out of my chest. I woke up covered in sweat and depressed as shit.
I couldn’t go back to sleep so I dragged my ass into the office at quarter ‘til six in the morning.
A soft knock on my door and I look up. Kylie is standing there, and I’m so not ready to deal with her. In fact, I haven’t had time to even talk to Bill about the situation.
“We need to talk,” Kylie says nervously. “I’m really embarrassed about what happened and need to set things straight with you. ”
Glancing at my watch, I see it’s lunch time. “Let’s go down to the cafeteria to grab something to eat. We can talk there. ”
She raises her eyebrows at me in surprise because I’m sure she never expected me to talk to her in so public of a forum. But she must be f**king stupid if she thinks I’m going to put myself in a room with her alone again. I don’t know Kylie, but I do know she’s got no qualms with trying to give her boss a hand job that never once gave her any indication he’d want one. There is no telling what she may try to do, and I’m smart enough to know a woman scorned is not a woman you want to f**k with. Marissa imparted that advice to me and I’ve apparently taken it to heart. For once, I’m happy to have major trust issues with women because it makes me cautious. I wouldn’t put it past her to try to put me in a compromising situation and then claim I sexually harassed her.
Standing up from my desk, I walk past her and assume she’ll follow me down to the main level of our building. It has a pretty decent cafeteria, and although I usually work through lunch sustaining myself with a granola bar or something, it’s a nice alternative and super convenient.
Kylie actually makes small talk with me about the Pearson appeal, and I keep half an ear open because I’m clearly going to be taking the case back over soon. When Kylie lays her arm on mine as she tells me something about the case, I have an immense surge of satisfaction that I was smart enough to take this conversation into a public place. She’s clearly not as embarrassed about what happened as she claims to have been. She may not be embarrassed now, but she will be soon because this lunch is going to culminate with Kylie looking for a new job.
When I get to the register, I pay for my lunch, purposely not paying for Kylie’s so as to make sure there is no misunderstanding as to our relationship. Very soon, she’ll be very clear about it.
Picking my tray up, I scan the room filled with Formica-covered tables and bright, primary-colored plastic chairs. A flash of raven-colored hair catches my eye, causing me to turn slightly, and I see Mac sitting at a table with Cal. She’s staring right at me.
And for the first time since I can remember, I don’t have a flash of hate fill me when I see Cal. I don’t even feel a moment of jealousness that he’s sitting with my lover.
Well, ex-lover.
If anything, I’m just avidly curious as to what they’re talking about. Probably me, no doubt, but that doesn’t even upset me.
It’s quite amazing, and I have to wonder… did it really make a difference the information that Mac shared with me about what happened between Cal and Marissa? I had purposely not tried to dwell on it in the last several days, instead having quite enough misery pining over Mac. But now, I have to wonder… because I’m having a very un-Matt-like reaction to seeing them together.
Oh, I still have brutal longing when I see Mac, and that empty feeling inside of me magnifies. That hasn’t changed and not sure it will. But I don’t feel even a tinge of anger at seeing her with him. Just sadness and inquisitiveness as to what they’re discussing.
As Mac looks at me, her eyes shining across the expanse of the room, a moment passes between us as if nothing were wrong. As if she were happy to see me, and I her, and everything this past week was wiped clean. I let my gaze wander to Cal for a moment, but his head is bent, reading a document.
I don’t even hesitate but head over to where they’re sitting. I don’t know why, and don’t know what I plan to do. I think I just want to stand close to Mac, even if just for a moment. I vaguely hear the click-click of Kylie’s heels as she follows me, and keep my gaze pinned on Mac. Her eyes widen when she realizes I’m coming to their table and she actually kicks Cal under the table, causing his head to snap up. She tilts her head in my direction and Cal’s gaze follows, coming to rest on me.
When I reach them, Cal nods his head at me and says, “Matt. ”
I nod back in acknowledgement and then introduce Kylie to Cal, making sure that I say she’s a “contract” attorney so the temporary nature of her time with our firm is reiterated. Cal shakes her hand and asks her about her appellate work, and I take a moment to look at Mac again. Her face is open and soft… no anger, no bitterness.
No missing me, that’s for sure, and that does hurt a tiny bit.
My gaze drops to the table and in an instant, I take in the document laying before Cal. It has the words, “Business Plan, Carson & Dawson, LLC” typed across the top. My eyes snap back to Mac’s for her to confirm to me in a look, that yes… she and Cal are apparently plotting to open up their own firm together.
I wait for a wave of jealousy to overcome me, but it doesn’t. I wait for anger that she’s abandoning me in favor of him to flush through me. It never comes. Instead, I have a weird feeling of admiration settle over me for what Mac is doing with her career.
And I embrace it. She deserves to be happy and clearly, it wasn’t going to be working at my firm.
And outside of f**king my wife, which I’ll now admit may have been more on Marissa’s doorstep than Cal’s, he is an excellent attorney and would make a good business partner for Mac. Yeah… I think I might be a little happy she’s doing something so adventurous and taking control of her life. I may have lost control of mine, but she’s got hers intact and if there’s one thing that will never change about me… I only want the best for her.
I smile at her then, so she knows that I’m accepting the plans she’s making to move on. She returns it, and even though both of us are smiling at each other, make no mistake… there’s still sadness there as well.
I facilitate goodbyes and lead Kylie to a table across the room, far away from Mac and Cal. I don’t look back at them again.
Instead, I focus all my energy in to cutting ties cleanly with my current and most pressing problem.
“Kylie,” I tell her as soon as she takes her first bite of food. “There’s no undoing what happened yesterday, and I’m going to need to terminate your contract with my firm…”
Chapter 34
Tomorrow is Mac’s last day of work in my firm, and there is a very real possibility I will never see her again. I’m sitting beside her—right this very moment—in a cab, realizing that this may be the last time I’m ever alone with her again.
The last two weeks have flown by. I guess when you’re on borrowed time with someone, the clock moves faster because time becomes more precious. Mac and I have had no trouble working together as she wraps up the cases she has been helping me on. I also tried to help her as much as possible on the Jackson case, because even though she’ll be taking it with her and I won’t see it through to the end, I want her to be successful.
Our relationship has been oddly peaceful. Don’t get me wrong… I still look at her and can get consumed with such carnal greed, it almost knocks me to my knees. Or, she’ll smile at me a certain way and my heart twists in longing. But outside of that, we’ve settled into an easy sort of friendship, I guess born of two people that knew each other on the most intimate of levels, and haven’t had the heartbreak of betrayal as the hammer that crushed said intimacy.
I took Mac with me to Atlanta these last three days to help me with depositions, and it was nothing more than a selfish move to have her near me. I knew nothing would come of this trip other than having a very competent attorney to assist me, and someone that could provide me with good conversation. Things were very professional, and oddly… I was okay with that. For once, I wasn’t letting my dick lead me.
We spent the days deposing witnesses in a medical malpractice case and, at night, we’d eat dinner and spend a few hours prepping for the next day’s questioning. At night, we went to our own rooms, doing nothing more than releasing a soft “goodnight” to the other person and going to sleep alone.
Didn’t mean I didn’t lie there and think about Mac, all naked, soft, and smelling good in the room next door, but I didn’t do anything about it other than jerk off to the memories of what we had.
As we were waiting to board our flight back into New York, I told Mac about letting Kylie go.
“I’m releasing Kylie Wynn from her contract on the Pearson appeal,” I’d told her as we stood in line to get on the plane.
“Really?” Mac asked with surprise. “I thought she was an expert or something. ”
Or something, I thought.
“I really just needed the extra pair of hands more than anything. I know as much about appellate law as she does. I was just short on time. Besides… she got a little, uh… too personal with me. ”
“I kind of saw that coming,” she said in a slightly chastising voice, which was well deserved on my part. “What did she do?”
“Just made a pass at me in my office. I mean… a really awkward pass,” I told her with a sheepish grin, but not sharing the details.
Mac actually giggled, and it was the most beautiful f**king sound in the world. “What is it with you and female lawyers? First Lorraine… and now Kylie. You’re like a magnet. ”
My eyes went somber, and I said quietly, “You were actually first… then Lorraine, and then Kylie. But you were in a different league than they were. ”
My words were truthful and left me exposed, but I don’t regret saying them. I didn’t expect anything in return though, and before I could give Mac an opportunity to respond, I said, “I brought up the thing about Kylie because I was wondering if you would like to contract with me to help me on the Pearson appeal?”
“What?” she exclaimed in surprise.
“I saw the business plan Cal was reading that day at lunch. I assume you two are going to start your own law firm together?”
“Yes,” she said almost hesitantly, as if worried that it would bother me. “We are starting up a firm. While I would need to talk to Cal about it first, I’d love to be able to do some contract work for you. As you know, I really only have one case to my name. ”
I smiled at her, giving her a look that conveyed how happy and proud I was of what she was doing, and also because she just confirmed to me that we may very well still be working together in the future.
“Excellent,” I told her. “We can discuss the details tomorrow before you leave. ”
It’s just past midnight as we pull up to Mac’s apartment in the cab we shared from JFK. It’s a familiar building to me and I have an odd feeling of comfort seeing it, yet sorrow that I really won’t be seeing it again.
When the cab comes to a stop, I instruct the cabbie, “Pop the trunk,” and I step out to help Mac with her luggage.
After pulling her suitcase out, I push the trunk lid down until it latches and turn to face her, handing over her carry on. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning. ”