“May I please have a green ball?” asked Deedee.
Louis gave her a green ball. “I don’t know how you did it, Deedee, but you’re first today,” he said.
When Mrs. Jewls found out that Deedee and Todd had tricked her, she sent Todd home early on the kindergarten bus.
Deedee threw the green ball on the ground. It bounced fifty feet straight up in the air, and then she caught it.
“You don’t like me, do you?” she asked Louis.
“Sure I do,” said Louis.
“No, you don’t,” said Deedee.
“Yes, I like you,” said Louis.
“No, you don’t,” Deedee insisted.
“Yes, I like you. I really do,” said Louis.
“Are you sure?” asked Deedee.
“Yes,” said Louis. “Don’t you believe me?”
“I guess so,” said Deedee.
“Do you like me?” asked Louis.
“You bet,” said Deedee. “You’re my best friend!”
“Terrific,” said Louis. “I always wanted to be best friends with a dead rat.”
∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧
16
D.J.
D.J. skipped up the thirty flights of stairs to Mrs. Jewls’s room. He was grinning from ear to ear, from nose to chin, from here to there, and back again.
“Hey, D.J.,” Todd shouted, “glad to see you.” Todd was a pushover for smiling faces.
Mrs. Jewls heard him. She began to write Todd’s name on the board under DISCIPLINE, but when she saw D.J.’s smile, she put down the chalk. “Good morning, D.J.,” she said. “What are you so happy about?”
D.J. grinned and shrugged his shoulders.
Mrs. Jewls smiled.
Dameon looked at the smile on Mrs. Jewls’s face, then at Todd’s, and finally at D.J.’s. Then Dameon smiled, too. His smile was almost as big as D.J.’s. They were best friends.
Once they saw the two of them smiling, the rest of the class couldn’t help but smile. Rondi had a very cute one, due to her two missing front teeth. Nobody had an ugly smile.
Jason came to school late. He was very upset. But the first thing he saw was Dameon’s smile, and he felt a little bit better. Then he saw Rondi’s toothless grin, and he even began to smile a little himself. But when he saw the piano on D.J.’s face, he fell, laughing, onto the floor.
Everybody started to laugh, even Kathy, and she hardly ever laughed except when someone hurt himself.
The whole room seemed to be laughing, not just the people in it. The blackboard chuckled. The ceiling snickered. The desks were jumping up and down, and the chairs were slapping one another on the back. The floor was very ticklish. It laughed until the walls turned purple. The wastepaper basket started to sing, and all the pencils stood up and danced.
Finally things began to settle down. Mrs. Jewls wiped her eyes and said, “D.J., why don’t you tell the class why you are so happy? At least let us know what we are laughing about.”
But D.J. just kept on smiling.
“Aw, come on, D.J.,” said Deedee. “Tell us.”
D.J. didn’t say a word. He couldn’t. His mouth was stretched out of shape.
“Let us guess,” said Ron. “If we guess right, will you tell us?”
D.J. nodded his head. His smile began to hurt his ears.
Everyone took one guess.
“Have you been swimming?”
“Is it your birthday?”
“Are you in love?”
“Did you get a green ball?”
Nobody guessed right.
At recess D.J. was still smiling.
Louis, the yard teacher, called, “Hey, D.J. Come here.”
They walked to the far corner of the playground, where they were alone.
“What’s up, D.J.?” Louis asked.
D.J. just smiled.
“Come on, D.J. You can tell me. Why are you so happy?”
D.J. looked up at him. He said, “You need a reason to be sad. You don’t need a reason to be happy.”
∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧
17
John
John had light brown hair and a round head. He was Joe’s best friend. John was one of the smartest boys in Mrs. Jewls’s class. But he had one problem. He could only read words written upside down.
Nobody ever wrote anything upside down.
But it was only a little problem. John was still in the high reading group. He just turned his book upside down.
It was easier for John to turn his book upside down than to learn to read correctly. But the easiest way isn’t always the best way.
Mrs. Jewls said, “John, you can’t go on reading like this. You can’t spend the rest of your life turning your books upside down.”
“Why not?” asked John.
“Because I said so,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Besides, what happens when I write something on the blackboard? You can’t turn the blackboard upside down.”
“No, I guess you’re right,” said John.
“I know I’m right,” said Mrs. Jewls. “You are going to have to learn to stand on your head.”
John couldn’t stand on his head. He had given up trying. You would have, too, if you had fallen over as many times as he had.
Joe was John’s best friend. He could stand on John’s head. Every time John fell over, Joe stood on his head. After all, what are best friends for?
“My head is too round, Mrs. Jewls. I can’t stand on it,” said John.
“Of course you can, John,” said Mrs. Jewls. “If Joe can stand on your head, so can you.”
“It’s easy, John,” said Joe.
“I can’t,” John repeated. “I always fall over.”
“Nonsense,” said Mrs. Jewls. “All you have to do is find your center of balance. Now, up you go.”
John put his round head on the floor and swung his legs up. He fell right over. Then Joe stood on John’s head.
“See, John, it’s easy. Nothing to it,” Joe said.
“We’ll help you, John,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Joe, get off John’s head and get me the pillow from under my desk. Nancy, Calvin, come here and give us a hand.”
Mrs. Jewls took the pillow from Joe and set it on the floor. “All right, John, we’ll surround you,” she said. “We won’t let you fall.”
John put his head on the pillow and swung his legs up. He started to fall one way, but Nancy pushed him back up. Then he started to fall another way, but Calvin straightened him out. John kept falling a little bit this way and that way until at last he found his center of balance.
§
“Hey, look at me. Look at me,” said John. “I’m up. I’m really up. I’m standing on my head. I found my center of balance. It’s beautiful. I can read the blackboard! Hey, Calvin, bring me a book, and you don’t have to turn it upside down. Ha Ha. Hey, who, aaaaaahhhh….”
BAMM!! While Calvin went to get the book, John fell flat on his face.
“You better stay off my head, Joe,” he warned.
“Are you all right, John?” asked Mrs. Jewls.
“Yes, I think so. I feel a little funny. Hey! I can still read the blackboard, and I’m not upside down. I can read right side up now. When I fell, I must have flipped my brain or something.”
“That is wonderful, John,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Here, put the pillow back under my desk. As a reward you may have a Tootsie Roll pop. They are in the coffee can on top of my desk.”
John placed the pillow on top of her desk. Then he looked under the desk, but he couldn’t find the Tootsie Roll pops anywhere.
∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧
18
Leslie
Leslie had five fingers on each hand and five toes on each foot. For each hand she had an arm, and for each foot she had a leg. She was a very lucky girl. And she had two lovely, long brown pigtails that reached all the way down to her waist.
When Mrs. Jewls asked a question, Leslie could raise o
ne of her hands.
When Leslie was adding, she could count on her fingers.
When Paul pulled one of her pigtails, she could kick him with one foot while standing on the other.
But Leslie had one problem. She didn’t know what to do with her toes. She had ten adorable little toes and nothing to do with them. As far as she could tell, they served no useful purpose.
“Suck your toes. That’s what I do,” said Sharie.
But Leslie’s foot wouldn’t reach her mouth.
“Well, that’s all toes are good for,” said Sharie. She put her foot in her mouth and went to sleep.
“No,” thought Leslie. “They must be good for something. They just have to be.”
During recess, she asked Dana. “Dana, what do you do with your toes?”
“I scratch the back of my legs,” said Dana. “First I scratch my left leg with my right foot. Then I scratch my right leg with my left foot.”
“But my legs don’t itch,” said Leslie.
“That’s good,” said Dana. “In that case you can scratch my legs. With your help I can scratch both legs at the same time.”
“No, never mind,” said Leslie. She walked up behind Louis, the yard teacher, and hopped on his shoulders.
“Louis,” said Leslie. “I don’t know what to do with my toes.”
Louis tugged her foot. “Yes, that is a serious problem,” he said, “but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll take them off your hands for you, or rather, your feet. Just cut them off and give them to me.”
“What?” asked Leslie.
“You don’t want them, so I’ll take them,” said Louis. “You won’t have to worry about them ever again.”
“No,” said Leslie.
“I’ll give them to Miss Mush,” said Louis. “She can make little hot dogs out of them.” Miss Mush was the lunch teacher.
“No, I’m not going to give my toes away,” said Leslie.
“All right,” said Louis. “I’ll give you a nickel apiece for them.”
“No, you can’t have them,” said Leslie.
“Why not?” Louis asked. “They’re no good to you, anyhow. And think of all you can buy for fifty cents.”
The bell rang.
“I’ll think it over,” said Leslie. She ran back to class.
“Mrs. Jewls,” said Leslie, “I don’t see any reason for keeping my toes.”
“Oh, Leslie, I’m sure there are lots of good reasons,” said Mrs. Jewls.
“Well, I can’t think of any. My legs don’t itch, and I can’t get my foot in my mouth. Louis offered me a nickel apiece for them, and it seems to me like a good deal. But I wanted to check with you first.”
“I think Louis was pulling your leg,” said Mrs. Jewls.
“No,” said Leslie, “he was pulling my toes.”
“What would he want with your toes?” asked Mrs. Jewls.
“I don’t know,” said Leslie, “but if he’s willing to give me five cents apiece for them, then I’m going to take him up on it. That’s fifty cents.”
At lunch, Leslie walked up to Louis. “Okay, Louis,” she said, “you can have my toes for a nickel apiece. That will be fifty cents.”
“Not so fast,” said Louis, “Let me look at them first.”
Leslie took off her shoes.
“Yes, yes,” said Louis, “the big ones are good, and the ones next to them, but the most I’ll give you for the rest of your toes is three cents each.”
Leslie was furious. “Three cents each! You told me five at recess.”
“I’ll give you five cents for the big ones. But just look at that scrawny little runt of a toe on the end, there. You’re lucky to be getting even three cents for it. I think you’re getting a darn good deal.”
“I happen to like that toe,” said Leslie.
“Fine, then,” said Louis, “keep it. I’ll just take the two big toes, and we’ll call it square.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a dime.
“Nothing doing,” said Leslie. “These toes are sold as a set. It’s either all ten for fifty cents or no deal. What am I going to do with just eight toes?”
“Then forget it,” said Louis. “I’m not going to give you a nickel for those scrawny little end toes.”
“Fine,” said Leslie, “no deal. My toes will still be here if you change your mind.” She turned and walked toward the hopscotch area.
“Wait a second,” Louis called. “I’ll give you a dollar each for your pigtails.”
Leslie turned around and looked at him with fiery eyes. “Cut my hair!” she exclaimed. “Are you crazy?”
∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧
19
Miss Zarves
There is no Miss Zarves. There is no nineteenth story. Sorry.
∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧
20
Kathy
Kathy doesn’t like you. She doesn’t know you, but she still doesn’t like you. She thinks you are stupid! In fact, she thinks you are the stupidest person she doesn’t know. What do you think of that?
She also thinks you’re ugly! As a matter of fact, she thinks you are the ugliest person she doesn’t know. And she doesn’t know a lot of people.
She doesn’t like the people she knows, either. She hates everybody in Mrs. Jewls’s class. She did like one member of the class. She liked Sammy. She thought he was funny. Sammy was a dead rat.
But Kathy has good reasons for not liking any of the children she knows. She doesn’t like D.J. because he smiles too much, and she doesn’t like John because he can’t stand on his head.
Kathy once had a cat named Skunks. She liked Skunks. But she was afraid that Skunks would run away.
“You have nothing to worry about, Kathy,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Skunks won’t run away. Just be nice to him and feed him and pet him, and he won’t run away. He may go out and play, but he’ll always come back.”
“No, you’re wrong, Mrs. Jewls,” said Kathy. “What do you know! He’ll run away.”
So Kathy kept Skunks locked up in her closet at home. She never let him out and sometimes even forgot to feed him.
One day, while Kathy was looking for her other shoe, Skunks ran out of the closet and never came back.
“You said he would come back, Mrs. Jewls,” said Kathy. “He never came back. You were wrong. I was right.”
That was why Kathy didn’t like Mrs. Jewls.
“The next time I get a cat, I’ll kill him. Then he’ll never run away,” said Kathy.
Then there was the time that Dameon tried to teach Kathy how to play catch.
Dameon said, “When I throw you the ball, Kathy, try to catch it.”
“I can’t catch it,” said Kathy. “I’ll just get hurt.”
“You won’t get hurt,” Dameon insisted. “Just watch the ball.”
He tossed it to her.
But Kathy knew she’d get hurt. So she closed her eyes. The ball hit her on the cheek. It hurt.
§
Kathy began to cry. “You were wrong,” she sobbed. “I was right!”
That was why Kathy didn’t like Dameon.
Allison believed that if you are nice to someone, then they’ll be nice to you. So one day she brought Kathy a cookie.
“I don’t want your ugly cookie,” said Kathy. “It probably tastes terrible!”
Allison said, “No, it is very good. I made it myself.”
Kathy said, “If you made it, then it must stink! You can’t cook. You’re too stupid!” She just put the cookie in her desk along with her pencils, crayons, and books.
Three weeks later, Kathy was hungry. “All right, Allison,” she said. “I’ll try your stupid cookie.” She took it out of her desk. It was covered with dust. She bit it. It was hard and tasted terrible.
“See,” said Kathy. “I was right!”
That was why Kathy didn’t like Allison.
Yes, Kathy had very good reasons for not liking anybody she knew.
But
she also has a good reason for not liking you. And she doesn’t even know you. Her reason is this. She knows that if you ever met her, you wouldn’t like her. You don’t like Kathy, do you?
See, she was right!
It’s funny how a person can be right all the time and still be wrong.
∨ Sideways Stories from Wayside School ∧
21
Ron
Ron had curly hair and little feet. “I want to play kickball,” he said.
“You can’t play,” said Terrence.
“Get out of here,” said Deedee.
“Scram,” said Jason.
“I want to play kickball,” said Ron.
“Well, you’re not playing,” said Terrence. “Beat it!”
Ron stomped across the playground to the hopscotch area. Jenny was playing hopscotch with Louis. Jenny was on nine. Louis was still on four, but it was his turn.
“I want to play kickball,” Ron said.
“So, go play kickball,” said Louis.
“Terrence won’t let me play,” said Ron.
Louis walked with Ron to the kickball field.
“Hey, what about our hopscotch game?” Jenny asked.
“You won,” said Louis.
“I just beat Louis in hopscotch!” Jenny announced. Leslie, Rondi, and Allison flocked around her.
“Hey, Louis,” Dameon shouted. “Do you want to play kickball?”
“All right,” said Louis. “Ron and I will both play.”
“No,” said Terrence. “Ron isn’t playing.”
“Anyone who wants to play can play,” said Louis.
“No, he can’t,” said Terrence. “It’s my ball.”
“It isn’t your ball,” said Louis.
“You gave it to me,” said Terrence.
“I gave it to you to share,” said Louis. “If you can’t share it, you can’t have it.”