I started to kiss lower and could almost taste her.
Fuck space.
I needed her like my life depended on it, to carry me through the next few weeks, which were going to be the most difficult of my life. Because that cry I just had confirmed what I already knew. I would be going through with telling Ivy about the divorce, because Nina was the love of my life, and I couldn’t live a second longer without her.
In an instant, my mouth went lower, and I began to devour her over the material of her yoga pants. She panted, thrusting her hips to meet my mouth.
We were on the same page now.
I pulled her pants and underwear down together slowly, and her breathing became even heavier when my tongue found her bare clit. I knew she loved when I flicked my tongue ring over it fast and repeatedly. I moaned into her. Her legs were restless, and I swore I could taste that she was going to come and within seconds, she did. When she screamed out, I thought my cock was going to burst out of my pants.
I moved up to kiss her, slipping my tongue inside her mouth hungrily, as we grinded against each other. I could feel how wet she was through my clothes. I lifted her shirt off and pulled her bra down, taking turns sucking on each of her beautiful light pink nipples. God, her tits were gorgeous. I squeezed them together and licked up and down the middle of them.
I was in heaven again for the first time since the night we made love.
Today felt different though. I had been calm that first time and wanted to take my time pleasing her so that she would never forget it. But right now, I was starving, feeling selfish, needy and out of control. I was dying to be inside of her and needed to know that she still trusted me enough to let me.
When she put her hands on my ass, I unzipped my jeans and pulled my boxers down, rubbing my rock hard cock against her slick opening. I had meant to just tease her at first, but within seconds, I was fully inside of her raw. The feeling was indescribable.
With every movement, I felt like I was claiming her. That was what I wanted to believe. Because I couldn’t survive the thought of any other man so much as touching her. That thought made me crazy, and I fucked her harder, bending her legs back as far as they would go so that I could get deeper inside. I sucked on her neck and squeezed her ass hard, wanting to brand her with my hands and mouth, too.
With each movement, I growled in her ear.
“My body belongs to you.”
“My heart belongs to you.”
“My soul belongs to you.”
“Only to you.”
My thrusts got harder with each word. “Do…you…understand…me?”
I abruptly stopped moving when she didn’t answer me, pulling her face toward mine and searching her eyes. “Do you?”
She nodded, breathing heavily and looked like she was about to cry again.
“Say it.”
She panted and pulled me into her. “Yes. I understand.”
I fucked her even harder. I felt the moment her muscles contracted, and when she screamed out in pleasure, I let myself go. “All of you belongs to me, Nina…to no one else…ever,” I said as I exploded inside of her.
My dick throbbed in place for what seemed like several minutes. In my head, I had been marking what was mine but started to feel terrified of losing her again, the second I pulled out of her.
“I love you so much,” I whispered in her ear.
She didn’t say anything. I immediately became worried that I had been too rough with her. We lay for a while together in silence before I stood up and reached out my hand. She grabbed it and silently followed me into the bathroom.
Turning on the shower, I held her up against me and kissed her back slowly as we waited for the water to warm.
“Are you okay?” I whispered.
“Yes,” she said leaning the back of her neck against my mouth.
“Was that too much for you?”
She shook her head no and pushed her ass up against me. Jesus. I was hard again as I pulled her into the steamy shower.
Under the water, another primal urge to take her started to build inside me. I knew I needed to control myself this time and slow things down.
I added some soap to a sponge and slowly washed her from head to toe, taking my time over the contours of her body and especially between her legs.
She grabbed the sponge from me, adding more soap and moved it slowly over my body, kissing my chest as she stroked my cock before dropping the sponge to the ground. She bent down and licked slowly over the tip teasingly as she looked up at me. When she swallowed me whole, I closed my eyes, pulling on her hair in ecstasy as she sucked me off. I could feel the back of her throat and almost came before stopping myself because I needed to be inside of her again.
I pulled her up and held her against me under the water for a few seconds to grab my bearings because I didn’t want to be rough with her this time, but I was finding it hard to be gentle.
She sucked on my bottom lip slowly, tugging on my lip ring with her teeth. That did me in. I lifted her up over my cock and buried myself deeply inside of her.
My movements were intentionally slow and controlled as I held her over me, gripping her ass as it pushed against the tile wall. My tongue was deep in her mouth, as we kissed feverishly, matching the rhythm of my thrusts.
I was still trying hard to go slow when she began to ride my cock harder, giving me permission to release my inhibitions. I had been dying to take her from behind and couldn’t hold off any longer. I pulled out of her and turned her around so that her perfect round ass was facing me. I placed both of my hands on her cheeks and slipped immediately back inside of her. The contact of our wet skin made a slapping sound as I moved in and out, completely incapable of controlling myself.
“Fuck…your ass is so beautiful, Nina. I love it.”
She moaned in response as she balanced herself with her hands on the tile wall.
“It’s all mine,” I said as I pounded into her harder. “All…mine.”
Her muscles clenched, and the wet heat of her sudden orgasm set me off. When I came inside of her this time, it felt so good that it was almost painful. I shouted out like a fucking maniac and it echoed through the bathroom.
We collapsed to the shower floor and kissed under the water. I picked up the sponge and washed her gently again, before turning the faucet off.
Grabbing a towel, I squeezed the water out of her hair as I kissed down the length of her body before drying myself.
Back in my bed, as she stared up at the ceiling, the look on her face told me that reality was starting to set in again. She finally spoke. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” She turned to me. “It wasn’t why I came here. I’ve just felt like my whole world was falling apart. I wanted to keep my distance until you worked everything out with the divorce, but I still needed to feel close to you, so I’ve come here a few times. I never expected you to walk in at this time of day. We shouldn’t have done what we did…but I’ve missed you so much.”
“You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that,” I said, taking her hand in mine and kissing it.
She looked down at our joined hands. “I’ve felt like I lost my best friend. My life has been empty without you in it. But I still feel like what we just did was wrong. I am just so weak when it comes to you and—”
“Baby, please don’t tell me to stay away from you. Remember that night in my room before we got together, when I told you to leave? That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I was able to push you away because I hadn’t had you yet. Now that I actually know what it feels like to be with you, to be inside of you, to love you, not just from afar, but in every way…I can’t ever go back.”
“What happened tonight shouldn’t have. It doesn’t have to be forever. Just until your divorce.”
I couldn’t promise to stay away from her; it was something I knew damn well I wouldn’t live up to. I held her until she fell asleep again. She must have been worn out from the workout I gave her
. The sun was starting to set. I hoped that she would just stay with me tonight.
As I watched her sleep, my emotions were running wild. I got the urge to write her something, so I grabbed a piece of white printer paper from the desk and a pen.
Sure, Green. Fuck her hard like an animal then follow it up with a sappy love poem. It’s all about balance.
I had never written a thing in my life before I met her. Now, I couldn’t stop. It was like Hallmark was going to be knocking on my door any day now. It started out as a joke, but now, it was something I loved to do for her.
Go ahead…say it. My balls were on layaway, and I couldn’t afford to buy them back.
Like drawing, it was a way for me to express the feelings I bottled up inside. Lately, all of my sketches have been of her too, some of her naked body. It would probably creep her out if she found that book, which I strategically kept hidden from the rest.
When it came to telling her how I felt, the right words never seemed to come when I spoke them in the moment. But being able to take my time and especially watching her lying here next to me while I wrote, inspired me.
When I was finished, I was satisfied that I had written down everything I wanted to say to her.
She decided against spending the night with me. As she was getting ready to leave, I gave her the folded up poem and told her to read it when she got home and to reread it whenever she felt lonely or had doubts about my intentions.
I thought my life was planned
Until the moment I touched your hand.
Your sad eyes met mine,
And all I wanted was to make them shine.
And every time they did,
I became giddy like a kid.
With each moment together we spent,
I figured out what my father meant.
When he told his little boy long ago,
“When it’s love, son, you just know.”
I tried to resist and be strong
Since the timing was all wrong.
But I still came undone.
Because You. Are. The. One.
And I’d rather die than have to say
That mine was the one that got away.
Tell me what I have to do
To prove my heart is married to you.
It won’t be overnight.
Just give me time to make it right.
Please wait for me, Nina.
Later that night, she sent me a text.
I will.
CHAPTER 25
Holding onto the promise she made me as insurance, I gave Nina the physical space she felt she needed. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone, sometimes late into the night. During one of our conversations, she paused out of the blue, changed the subject and said, “Tell me about her.”
She hadn’t really asked much about Ivy up until that point, aside from wanting to know where things stood. Maybe she wasn’t ready or hadn’t felt secure enough in our relationship. I spent the next hour of that phone call going over the last six years and shared memories of Ivy, both good and painful ones. It was liberating to get it all off my chest and to finally share everything with her.
***
A month passed before I was able to take a week off from work to head to Boston. I didn’t want to have the divorce talk with Ivy over a weekend in case I needed to stay for the fallout. I also never quite knew what kind of a mood I’d find her in. A week would give me enough of a window to ensure I’d get her on a decent day.
My plan was to use the rest of the time off to research all of the legal issues. If possible, I wanted to be able to keep my power of attorney. She didn’t have anyone else who was trustworthy to make important decisions.
We had stopped the new medication because she wasn’t benefiting enough to make it worth the risk. So, waiting for that to kick in was no longer an excuse for me to put everything off.
When I arrived at the group home Tuesday night of that week, I had geared myself up to have the dreaded conversation.
Her door was open, so I knocked lightly, but she didn’t notice. She was listening to an old c.d. that she had recorded of herself playing the guitar years ago.
My chest tightened as I watched her sitting on the bed with her back facing me. She was swaying side to side to the sounds of her own music. I would have given anything to know what she was thinking about.
I tapped her shoulder, startling her, and she turned to look at me.
“Hi,” she said. “What day is it?”
“It’s Tuesday.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to see you. I took the week off.”
She turned back around facing the window, and I sat next to her on the bed. We sat in silence, listening to the mellow guitar. Ivy’s music. She hadn’t played in years. Although, she still kept her Gibson propped up in the corner of her room, an eerie reminder of what used to be.
She stood up in front of me. Her long red hair was tousled, and her eyes looked tired. Even so, she was still a beautiful girl. It was the one thing that never changed, that wasn’t taken away from her.
She tugged at my arms pulling me up. “Dance with me,” she said.
I couldn’t help but smile. That was the last thing I expected. Her behavior was always unpredictable, but this was a new one.
She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and placed her cheek on my chest. I closed my eyes and moved my body slowly to the music, matching her rhythm.
Dancing obviously wasn’t what I came here for, but moments like this with Ivy were few and far between. If dancing with me gave her some peace, I’d do it all night. I just wanted to take her pain away. There was never anything I could do to make that happen.
Her breathing became shaky, and I realized she was starting to cry. I held her tighter as her tears covered my shirt. I didn’t know what to say or do.
She whispered, “Jake, I’m scared.”
“Don’t be scared, baby girl. I’m here.” My eyes started to water when the next song played: Ivy’s rendition of Yesterday by the Beatles. I caressed her hair as we continued to dance, the last six years flashing before my eyes.
It dawned on me that maybe she was more aware than I had given her credit for. Maybe in a moment of clarity, she put two and two together when I showed up out of the blue on a Tuesday. Maybe she knew she was about to lose a part of me. I wouldn’t know for sure, but what I did know was that no talk was happening tonight. No. Tonight, we would just dance. She deserved that.
***
After leaving Ivy’s, my head hurt from mentally preparing for the talk, only to have to put it off again because of her emotional state.
There was only one person I wanted to see right now.
I fucking needed my mother.
Instead of going back to Allison and Cedric’s, I took the Blue Line train straight to my mother Vanessa’s house in Malden.
She and my stepfather Max got married a couple of years ago. They had met shortly after we moved to Boston when my mother took a job as a waitress at the diner he owns.
When she opened the door, she could tell from the look on my face that I was having a hard time.
“Honey, are you okay?”
I walked past her into the living room. “No, Mom. I’m not.” I sat down on the couch with my face in my hands. I was distraught but felt better already just being in my mother’s house.
She sat down next to me holding a cup of Chai tea. The licorice aroma wafted in the air. “Did you just come from Ivy’s?”
I nodded and exhaled into the palms of my hands, too exhausted to talk. Even in my silence, my mother knew everything; she always did.
She put down her teacup. “You still haven’t told her.”
I looked up, pursed my lips together and shook my head.
With her long dark hair and green eyes, my mother looked like an older version of my sister. Their resemblance was uncanny. I was lucky to have two strong women in my family that I could turn to. She put
her hands on my shoulders and sighed.
“Jake, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, more so early on, between the drugs and getting pregnant as a teenager. When I met your father, I was just starting to straighten out, but there were things about my past I needed to tell him and I dreaded it. Each day, I would put it off. The constant worrying about what his reaction would be nearly killed me. But you know what? All of that worrying never changed anything. When I finally got it off my chest, I was free. It’s not going to hurt her any less or more if you wait. You’re the one breaking down, son. You need to get this over with for your own sanity. I could not be more proud of you. After your father died, you became the man of the house. You took care of yourself, so I could take care of us. You never stopped wanting to take care of people. I know you feel like you failed Ivy. But she was so lucky to have been blessed with you in her life because not many men your age would have stuck around. I know you’ll always look out for her. But it’s time for you to start living again.”
It was exactly what I needed to hear from the one person I needed to hear it from.
***
The next day, Ivy was making a sandwich in the kitchen when I walked into the group home. A few of the other women who lived there were sitting on the opposite end of the room along with the house monitor.
“You’re back?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m here all week.”