I thought about how my father would react if he knew I was stuck in an elevator with a guy as “dangerous” looking as Jake. Dad likely wouldn’t get the irony: that Jake had done more for me than all the other straight-laced guys I had ever known put together. My asshole ex only laughed at my phobias instead of helping me through them. He was too busy cheating on me.
I didn’t really know much about Jake’s life at all. What I did know for sure was that he was complex and closed off. For someone who had done so much for me in a short amount of time, he offered very little about himself. But he didn’t have to say anything for me to know that what you saw was not what you got. His choosing this emotional song confirmed it.
There was so much I wanted to ask him, so much I wanted to know, but I was afraid to find out. I didn’t really want to hear what I suspected…that he had a girlfriend in Boston. Was it his girlfriend that I overheard him with that first day I moved in? There hadn’t been any girls in the house since. Truthfully, I also didn’t really want to hear that I wasn’t his type.
I wondered if he really understood how much what he had done for me today meant. I also wondered if he knew that I felt exactly like the woman singing this song. That if I had to be stuck in an elevator with anyone, I was glad it was with him.
I turned away when he abruptly opened his eyes and asked, “You want to get going?”
“You mean you are going to put me out of my misery?”
“Yeah, that was the deal. When you finally relaxed…oh, I would say somewhere in the middle of It’s A Small World After All…the mission had been accomplished. You know, when you’re not hyperventilating, you’re actually kind of fun to be around.” He smiled. “Ready to get moving?”
I thought about it. “In a minute. Let this song finish.”
Jake winked at me again, and suddenly, I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to leave.
CHAPTER 8
The next morning I woke up to another paper bat by my bedside that said:
You didn’t run…you saw it through.
Mr. Bat is proud of you.
I wondered when he had put it there and if I was asleep and drooling when he did it. I clutched the bat to my chest closing my eyes, grinning from ear to ear. I had felt such a sense of accomplishment after yesterday. The subway ride home was a piece of cake, too, after surviving the elevator.
It was Friday, so Jake had already left the house. He usually took the Amtrak train to Boston for the weekend straight from work. I wouldn’t see him until Sunday night or Monday, depending on how late he returned to Brooklyn.
The house was basically boring on weekends without him around. Tarah and Ryan would ask me to tag along with them to the city or to a movie, but I usually declined and opted to stay home and study or catch up on laundry.
***
Early Sunday evening, I had finished most of my homework and errands and found myself alone in the house again. The door to Jake’s room was left cracked open, so I went inside, plopping down on top of his bed. His signature scent was all over the comforter. I buried my nose in it, imagining that it was him.
I sat up on his bed for a bit and looked around, bouncing ever so slightly on the firm mattress. There was a collection of pens on his bedside table as well as a cigarette lighter. Oddly, next to the pens were four of those pinwheels that kids might get at a carnival. I took one and blew on it, watching it spin. Jake was so puzzling.
I opened the bedside drawer and immediately shut it when I noticed a strip of condoms inside next to a pack of cigarettes. It reminded me of the upsetting fact that the guy I was infatuated with was having sex with someone or some people other than me. Cigarettes, condoms…pinwheels, you know, the usual stuff you found in 24-year-old guy’s bedroom.
I got up and walked over to the picture on his chest of drawers of his twin nieces that sat next to the gargoyle figurine collection. Maybe the pinwheels were for them? The girls were beautiful and looked so much like him with the same dark hair, light eyes and dimples.
His closet was open, and it smelled even better than his comforter. I ran my finger across the hanging shirts that were mostly black and navy with a few plaids mixed in and looked down at the closet floor at the mess of shoes strewn about, mostly Converse and Doc Martens.
I sat back down on the bed and noticed a stack of large sketchpads left out on his desk. I grabbed the first one off of the stack and got chills as I flipped it open.
What my eyes were met with took my breath away. The first picture was an amazingly lifelike drawing of a man on a motorcycle. The man was drawn from behind, and only his face was turned around looking over his shoulder. His eyes seemed to be staring at me right off of the page. How you could make that happen with pencil was beyond me. The drawing, with its texture and shadowing, just seemed to come to life. Jake drew this? It was unbelievable.
I kept going through the book, and each drawing was better than the last. Another one was of the same man riding the motorcycle into the clouds in the sky. There were also a lot of drawings of the same woman or girl, with wild curly hair. In one of them, she was dancing in the rain and had a long skirt that seemed to move within the picture. They were all done solely in pencil with blends of charcoal and graphite.
There was another picture of a butterfly, but the center was a lifelike woman, instead of a thorax. The drawings were so intricate, and the attention to detail was impressive. I felt guilty for looking through the book, but Jake left it right on his desk, so it couldn’t have been something he was trying to hide. Right? At least, I made myself believe that.
I finished going through the first sketchpad and became hungry for more. I grabbed the entire pile and devoured each one with my eyes. Some were of people and others were just nature scenes. Certain ones were so stunning, that I had to stop and stare at them for several minutes at a time, examining every last detail. Then, I would go back to some of the pictures again if I couldn’t get the image out of my head.
I was frantically searching these photos for clues about Jake’s life. With each drawing, I was more and more confused about the possible meanings. Were they based on real people or just characters he created from his imagination? Jake was even more complicated than I originally thought.
At one point, I rested my head on his black pillowcase, relishing the rustic masculine aroma that invaded my senses. Between the drawings and the intoxicating scent, I was super aroused.
Several minutes passed, and I gradually became drowsy, deciding to close my eyes. That was the last thing I remembered before I awoke to Jake standing over me with a death stare, as I lay on his bed amidst a pile of his private sketches.
***
Was I dreaming? I rubbed my eyes from the sudden brightness. The realization that this situation was not imagined caused my heart to explode out of my chest. It felt like I was also about to lose control of my bladder, so I clenched the muscles between my thighs and jumped up, scooting back against the headboard.
“Jake…I can explain.”
“What the fuck, Nina?” he whispered hoarsely, his tone angry.
The sad and disappointed look in his eyes scared me, and I was even more terrified because I had put it there by violating his privacy.
His hair was dripping wet from the rain which I could now hear pounding against the window. Under different circumstances, being holed up in his room during a rainstorm would have been a dream, one that would not include him looking like he wanted to murder me.
He continued to stand over me speechless, and I knew I had to say something, but the words just wouldn’t come out. I noticed his backpack was thrown clumsily in the middle of the floor.
After several seconds passed, I cleared my throat and started with a white lie about the reason for going into his room. “Um…a few hours ago, I was alone in the house, and your door was open. I had thought I left the math workbook in here, so I came inside. I noticed these sketchbooks. I only meant to peek in at the top one, but when I saw how amazing the fir
st drawing was…I just couldn’t stop looking.”
He swallowed and continued to look at me with a burning stare, but said nothing. His chest was rising as he breathed in and out. Shit.
I continued. “I must have closed my eyes and fallen asleep.”
Jake blinked repeatedly but was still silent. A trickle of rainwater ran down his forehead.
My voice was shaking. “I am really sorry. I should have never thought it was okay to look at your stuff. For the record, they are the most phenomenal drawings I have ever seen.”
I sat there against the back headboard frozen with my knees to my chest. Jake said nothing as he moved closer and took the sketchpads, piling them on top of each other. Then, he returned them to their original spot on the desk.
“Again, I’m sorry,” I said.
I started to get up planning to return to my room, humiliated. Just then, I felt a firm grip on my wrist, and the return of his voice shook me. “Where are you going?”
“Back to my room.”
He pushed me back down gently and released his grasp. “Just stay.”
Huh? My heart beat faster.
“Stay? What do you mean?”
“I mean…you were comfortable here. Just stay.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t say that. You shouldn’t have been snooping.”
“I know. I really am sorry.”
Jake didn’t respond to my apology. Instead, he walked over to the door, closed it and shut off the light. I looked at the digital clock, which said 11:30. It was later than I thought. Only the streetlights outside illuminated the room now, as he removed his wet jacket and threw it on the floor. Then, he pulled his t-shirt over his head and was completely shirtless.
Oh…wow…okay.
I bit down on my bottom lip hard, and my body trembled as he approached the bed.
Yeah, this was more like the dream I had imagined.
“Scoot over,” he said in a low voice.
I turned to my side and moved to the right, tucking my arms under my chin.
An indescribable sensation came over me when I felt his warm rock hard chest up against my back. Then, he put his arm around my waist. He was…spooning me.
Holy shit.
I closed my eyes, breathing in the masculine smell of his body: sweat mixed with cologne and rain, and I hoped he couldn’t sense my nerves. The room was completely silent aside from the sound of the rain pelting the window, but I felt like he would be able to hear my heart beating through my ears.
His breathing was heavy, and I could feel it on my neck. At one point, I inadvertently moved and brushed up against the metal of his lip ring and it caused me to flinch.
He spoke low against my back, his voice vibrating through me. “You’re moving around a lot. You okay with this, Nina? Would you rather go back to your bed?”
“No. I want to stay.”
He had no idea how much.
“Good.” His body seemed to relax further into mine after I said that I wanted to stay. His nose was buried in my hair and I could feel him smelling me. He gripped my waist and the heat of his breath behind me continued to make me crazy. My underwear was completely soaked from the need developing between my legs.
I didn’t understand what the spooning meant or really, how such an innocent thing could make my body respond this way. I just knew that it felt amazing to be so close to him and that my emotions were going haywire. Those butterflies in my stomach? They were forming a conga line right about now.
After getting a glimpse inside his mind through those drawings and after bonding with him in the elevator last week, lying next to him like this was the most intimate experience I had ever had.
“Jake?”
“Yeah.”
“I really am sorry for invading your privacy.”
After a long pause, he said into my hair, “It’s okay, Nina.”
“Thank you.”
“Nina?”
“Yeah?”
“Your underwear drawer might get rearranged this week. That’s all I’m sayin.”
My back moved against his mouth as I giggled. I started to relax, and minutes later, I fell asleep in his arms.
CHAPTER 9
Two weeks later, and things with Jake were stranger than ever. I hadn’t slept in his bed ever again after that night, and we never spoke about the spooning or the drawings I discovered. The morning after I slept in his room, I woke to an empty bed because he had already left for work.
He tutored me a couple of more times and made no effort to take things any further with me those nights alone in his room. He was basically acting like nothing ever happened. As a protective mechanism, I had convinced myself that this was for the best. In reality, his indifference made me furious and unfortunately, even more physically attracted to him, if that was possible.
The only positive thing to come out of the anger I felt was that it made me focus harder on my studies. I was now in a secret mental competition with him, determined to get an A on my next math exam. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of taking me on another expedition of fear and felt like I needed to prove myself. At least, it was a positive way to channel the sexual frustration.
That’s not to say I didn’t close my eyes at night and imagine him lying behind me. Knowing what that actually felt like now was a curse. Keeping my feelings in check was so much easier before that night. But I was also determined to move on from my infatuation with Jake.
So, one Monday afternoon after math class when Alistair asked me for a date the following Friday night, my response was, “Sure, why not?” Jake would be on his way to Boston by the time Alistair came to pick me up from the apartment, so there would be no awkwardness. Not that Jake would even care, but it made me feel better knowing that he wouldn’t be there to scrutinize my date. Alistair was pretty much the polar opposite of Jake except for the fact that they were both really smart.
***
The Wednesday evening before the Friday of my date, I had come home late from school to find Ryan, Tarah and Jake sitting in the living room watching television. It was unusual for everyone to be home at once.
I silently waved hello to them without making eye contact and went straight to my room. I was in a pissy mood and had spent the greater part of the walk home angry at myself for obsessing over Jake again. And when Mrs. Ballsworthy told me to “fuck off” on the way in, for the first time, I loudly returned the sentiment; that’s how bad of a mood I was in.
Once in my room, I tore off my clothes and changed into my favorite pink sweatpants and put on a comfortable t-shirt. I was about to start a new book on my Kindle when Jake appeared at the doorway.
He stretched his arms up and touched the top of the threshold. Why did he have to look like a tattooed trophy and smell so good? His shirt rode up, showcasing his washboard stomach as he stood there before me saying, “What…you don’t say hello anymore?”
“Jake, I’m not in the mood.”
He walked slowly toward me. “What’s gotten into you?”
I didn’t say anything in response, so he continued, “Or is the problem that… nothing…or no one…has gotten into you lately?”
I put down my Kindle in shock. That bastard. “What did you just say?”
He held up his hands. “Relax, Nina. It was just a joke! You know, you’re being uptight. Uptight people need to get laid? Just a joke.”
I threw a pillow at him. “Get out.”
He threw it back at me. “Fuck. I was only kidding. You used to appreciate my sick sense of humor,” he said, looking seriously pissed.
“Well, I didn’t think that was funny.”
“Why have you been so weird lately?” he yelled.
“I’m being weird?”
He glared at me. “Yes, Nina, you are.”
I huffed. “Whatever.”
Jake just shook his head before walking out and slamming his bedroom door.
I put my hea
d in my hands regretting what just happened. Was it me? Was I being a bitch to him these past couple of weeks and treating him differently because I somehow felt rejected by him? Did I make the spooning thing out to be something that it wasn’t?
Maybe I needed to control my feelings better, because losing him as a friend was not an option; There were so few people I could count on here in New York, and I needed him in my life.
I immediately got up and was going to walk down the hall to apologize when we knocked right into each other as he was passing my room.
“Ow,” I said rubbing my nose.
He briefly held onto my shoulders. “Watch it there, Speedy.”
“I was actually coming to apologize. I think I have been a little testy lately. I guess I am just stressed out about school and the math exam today.”
He shook his head. “I shouldn’t have said that to you, Nina.” His eyes were sincere, and I could tell he meant it.
“It’s okay. I know you were just joking.”
Jake stuck out his hand. “Truce?”
“Truce,” I said, relishing the warmth of his firm grip on my hand and wishing that his idea of a truce involved more than just a handshake, something like…oh…sucking on his bottom lip.
Yeah, I was a lost cause.
He let go of my hand, and we walked down the rest of the hallway to the kitchen together.
Ryan shut off the television that he and Tarah had been watching in the adjacent living room. “Tarah and I are going down to Eleni’s for some grub. You guys wanna come?”