"Do you know who Thiede is?" Vaysh asked.
"No, should I?"
"It doesn't matter."
Thiede had divined my possibilities, perhaps from the moment he had seen me laid out on the inception slab. He had seen within me an appealing unity of power, sanity and beauty. He had encouraged these qualities, in his own inimicable way, and made me what I am. Now it was intended that I should be put to work; I must fulfill my purpose as all things in Thiede's sphere of influence must fulfill their purposes. When he had taken aruna with me (if such a holocaust should be called that!), he had raised me to Nahir-Nuri, blistered away my lower caste.
"You are Efrata now," Vaysh said. "All thoughts in your head, you must voice to me alone. You need no-one else. You are apart from the others, all the others."
"What is the purpose of all this?" I asked him. He seemed almost reluctant to answer me.
"I shall take you to Immanion," he said. A single sliver of pain pierced my heart, and my head and my limbs went cold for a second. Vaysh looked at my face cold-bloodedly; it was likely he knew all about me, about Cal, everything. Those who walked in the white temple in the waste had seen it all my tentative fumblings with the powers Thiede had transfused into me; my helpless idealism and finally, my discovery of love. To Vaysh, I was like an animal, whose habits have been observed until nothing is a mystery to the observer. It is an attitude that has never completely left him. Both Thiede and Vaysh know me better than I know myself. Vaysh said so easily, "I am here to serve you," and he knew that was his purpose in the scheme of tilings, but there is nothing remotely servile in him. Sometime, someone (Thiede?) had sterilized his soul. What is within Vaysh is truly a monster, clothed in flesh. Only his eyes betray him. He watched the memory of Cal haunt my eyes and said softly, "Yes, Immanion. Wraeththu are your people, Pellaz. Thiede has given them to you and you to them; you will become their king."
I must have stared at him like an imbecile for some time. All questions were frozen within me. "You are to become their king." It sounded final and beyond argument. For this purpose Thiede had groomed my flesh and tempered my spirit. Through suffering he had tried to raise me above the rest; he knew my mind, my feelings, my character and my weaknesses. I could hear myself asking, "Why?," but no sound came out. Perhaps Vaysh couldn't even answer that. Was it because Thiede had incepted me, or had that happened because in some mysterious way, Thiede had already decided what he wanted to do with me? Now I was refashioned, remoulded and improved. Physically, a perfect sovereign; I couldn't dispute that. But what was so terrifying was how much of this wonderful new me was Thiede's construction, Thiede's virtues, and how much my own emotions and opinions? I couldn't swear that I remembered perfectly how I was before. Too much had happened. That I still possessed sanity under the circumstances was remarkable. Something very cold and hard must live inside me. My flesh was numb, but I really couldn't tell if I was pleased or horrified by what Vaysh had said. All I could think was, "Well, so this is my fate." The words formed quite clearly in my head, several times. I had been awaiting its breath on the back of my neck for a long time. It should have been a relief to discover that it was not merely death
Vaysh asked me, "Are you shocked? Are you surprised?" but there was no real interest in his voice, not even envy. Perhaps he had to report back to his master. (Yes, Thiede, he took it well.)
"Why?"
"Why not? It's what Thiede wants and that's the only reason I can give you."
"What if I don't want to. . ."
Vaysh laughed at this. One thing that could delight him. "By Aghama, you're pathetic! Yes, by Aghama." This obviously meant something to him for he positively bubbled with laughter.
"You have no choice, Pellaz. Can't you see that. This is your purpose, you have no control over it. I doubt he'd even kill you if you tried to refuse; he'd just alter your mind. You're helpless." Hadn't I always been?
"I shall see Immanion," I said, uselessly, suddenly, hopelessly missing Cal in a great wave of loneliness.
Why do things have to fade? Why does reality only have to exist in the present second? We have no real proof that our memories are real. Once events occur and pass, they might well have never been.
Vaysh stood up and went to look at himself in the mirror, touching his hair. If he had lived before, in another time, he would have been a woman and a legend. It was not inconceivable that he should have been in my place, if he had possessed a conscience. I think I guessed then; this process had not always been successful, and I had not been the first.
"How shall we travel?" I enquired, and he tore his eyes away from his reflection.
"On horseback, as before. There is no fuel in this part of the world and anyway . . . things have changed, Pellaz. You must get to know yourself. The horses, Thiede's horses, are as different from man's horses as we are from men ..."
"He bred them?!" I interrupted. Nothing seemed too bizarre for Thiede now.
"Not exactly. He brought them here from . .. they are ... now you are ready, you shall see. The journey will not take long."
I watched his shrouded expressions, wondering. "What's your level, Vaysh?"
He smiled then; one of those rare frozen grimaces. "Oh, I don't know. I don't think I have one. More than Ulani. . . not quite Nahir-Nuri." He clasped his shoulders with his hands. "It's nearly dawn. I must rest. We shan't leave until tomorrow now."
"I'm not tired," I said.
"Oh, Phade's people will be around soon. Get them to see to the bed." We both looked at the drab, papery waste, some of which had blown onto the furred floor. Vaysh started to leave, but I called him back.
"What is it?" He was impatient to get out.
"Shall I glow forever?"
He looked at my luminous face. "On the outside? No, it is already fading."
Not long after Vaysh had gone, one of Phade's people knocked at my door. He did not raise his eyes as he entered. Phade must have told of what he had seen. "My lord Phade requests your presence at breakfast," he told me. As with all the other tribes I had visited, he had brought me clothes. It is something that is almost a fetish with Wraeththu. Wherever you go your clothes are replaced with the prevailing fashion. The Har waited in silence whilst I dressed myself. I was still numb, from moment to moment fluctuating in feeling from normality to stark terror. In a petty gesture of defiance against their customs, I braided my hair in the Kakkahaar fashion, even though it was doubtful that it would even be noticed. This was a different country. The land of my birth was far away. I did not exist there anymore.
I expected a vast hall furnished by an equally vast table, but found Phade awaiting his meal in a small, comfortable room on the ground floor, wanning his toes by a fire. He smiled and stood up when he saw me in the doorway. "I am honored!" he said, sweeping a mocking bow.
I sighed. "It is your castle, Lord Phade, and as such, I suppose I should not be too surprised, or affronted, that you listen at your guests' doors."
"Not me!" he exclaimed, and I raised an eyebrow. "I have others for that duty."
"Hmmm."
"Please, sit down, make yourself at home. I'm no longer sure how to address you!"
I sat, resting my arms on the table. "Oh please! This is more of a shock to me than to anyone. I don't want deference. I would prefer it to be ignored, if possible."
"It's something you'll have to get used to, isn't it. King, well!" He laughed pleasantly. It sounded ridiculous, like some kind of child's game. Let's dress up and be kings and queens. I couldn't help wincing.
"What had Thiede done to you? You were in a terrible state when you got here," Phade ventured
hopefully.
"Please don't try to interrogate me," I said. "I don't want to talk about it."
"God forbid!" he cried. I wondered how much Thiede trusted him. He remembered his manners and decided to steer the conversation onto safer territory. "We haven't been formally introduced yet, have we? As you know, I am Phade, but formally, you are the guest of the tr
ibe of Olopade."
"Thiede brought you here?" I was beginning to feel hungry, and could hear my stomach complaining. I could not remember when I had last eaten.
"I suppose you could say that. The men that lived here were very wise. This town, Samway, it is a faraway place and its people were not like the men of the cities, the so-called advanced areas. They fought us in a strange, resigned way, and in the old way (he tapped his head), with the power of the mind. Olopade have been groomed by Thiede for this kind of skirmish. When we came here, the men fled to the forests. We have not seen them since. Thiede may have followed them, of course . . ."
At that moment, the meal arrived and seldom have I welcomed the sight of food more. Phade asked me what I thought of Thiede, and I answered with reserve, although without untruth. "I think he is probably the most powerful of Wraeththu and, although he is frightening, I do think we need him. We need order and Thiede knows that too. I don't think he is beyond cruelty, but he will eradicate it in Wraeththu as a whole if he can. He knows the truth."
Phade nodded. "Well answered!" he said.
"I hope Thiede thinks so," I replied drily.
Phade laughed. "You must learn to live with it; what kings really know freedom?" he pointed out and I shrugged.
"I may have been under an illusion before, about being free, but it was a comfortable illusion."
"Yes, ignorance is bliss as they say!" Phade sighed, attacking his helping of fragrant ham
"You have met Vaysh before then?" I enquired, with my mouth full.
Phade poured me coffee into an enormous mug; he had no servants in the room. "Oh yes," he answered, in a somewhat confidential tone. "He's Thiede's right arm arid sometimes comes here to cause discomfort in his master's name. He thinks I'm an inarticulate slob, I'm sure,"
"I doubt if you're alone in that category," I said. "My role seems to be defined as mere nuisance."
"What a challenge though, to break through all that ice!" Phade remarked enthusiastically. "Don't you think so? Is there a har of flesh and blood within perhaps?"
"There might not, of course, be anything left without the ice," I said.
Phade laughed. "Vaysh would consider my thoughts almost blasphemy!"
After the meal, neither of us made a move to leave the table, content to sit and finish
the pitcher of coffee.
"This is sometimes a lonely place to live," Phade said.
"Too cold for me; I come from another land, it's warm there."
Hard sunlight was falling in through the leaded windows. Hara were clearing snow from the yard outside.
Phade said, in a different voice, "Do you know, last night it looked as if your skin was alight. Perhaps it was the dark . . ." He reached to touch my arm.
"No, it is fading."
"You are leaving tomorrow?"
"Yes, tomorrow."
He curled his fingers in the air, above my hand. "Pellaz." He said my name slowly, as if to pronounce it right, although it is not a difficult name. I looked up defensively. "It is difficult to speak with you ... in a normal way," he said, and I sensed something of what was coming.
"You've had no difficulty so far," I answered tartly.
"About some things..." His fist clenched on the air. I could tell he did not want to miss this chance; not many hara like Vaysh and myself would visit him here. I did not blame him.
"Some things," I echoed. I looked at his face, his hair, his dark-colored arms. Some things. All people have a certain taste, a certain smell, an ambiance. Cal's presence was lodged within me in the ghost of his scent. Perhaps I feared the scent of someone else would exorcise it and then I would have nothing.
"Pellaz, I want . . ." Phade began, struggling.
"A night with the king of Wraeththu," I finished for him.
He smiled ruefully. "I can see your answer," he said.
"I hope so; there are reasons . . ."
"Are you another cold-store temptation like Vaysh?" I shuddered to think that sometime he must have tried this with Vaysh. If he had, I could only stand back in awe of his nerve.
"I don't think so," I replied, "but then, I don't know his reasons.
Phade leaned back in his chair; the coffee was finished. "What a pity; you are a beauty." I did not resent the patronizing tone of that remark as once I might. I knew Phade's position. He would remain here in a corner of the world barely alight, whilst I would shine like a star. I could only pity him. But if it had not been for Cal, well... maybe. Phade too, was a beauty.
I spent the rest of that day in Phade's library. They were not really his collection of books, having been there long before Wraeththu had come to the tower, but he was proud of them. He showed me the volumes that interested him most; heavy, dusty tomes on magical lore, slim pamphlets on herbalism and homeopathy, delicately illustrated with water-colors. There were large picture-books of the world. I pored through them, searching for the place from whence I'd come. Phade looked for me. "It was probably here," he said, pointing. I stared at the photographs of yellow dunes, red dirt and men smiling in the colorless fields. All the people I had known still existed somewhere (why were their faces so shadowed in my memory?), living, talking. Did someone else now walk the cable-fields each evening with Mima? Would she say to them, "Here I remember most my brother Pellaz; the Wraeththu took him . . ."? Had my father decreed, "He is no longer my son"? Now they were a continent's, an ocean's width away. When I'd woken up in Thiede's palace, I had left the country of my birth behind. A great expanse of water was between us now, yet I had never seen the sea! I turned the page. Here, a white house adorned the brow of a steep, green hill. Pink flowers turned their petal faces and shiny, dark leaves toward it. It seemed I was back there; yet the house was not really the same. Did Cobweb still yearn for the attention of Terzian? Did Terzian yearn the loss of...? Had the curtains ever opened again? I shut my eyes and quickly turned the pages once more. He could have gone back there; easily. Bereft, alone, seeking comfort. Or did he still seek Immanion? Would I find him there again? Phade said, "Perhaps it is not a good idea, Pellaz, to look back." Of course my distress must have been obvious. "I can force myself to think of other things, but it is still there. The future is like tangled yarn, but the past is woven thread." Phade put his hand on my shoulder, but I could not be touched by sympathy. I made another vow, and this one I would keep. There could be no other; I would find Cal again. I was sensible enough to realize that time undoubtedly would lead me to the arms of someone else; after all aruna is the lifeblood of Wraeththu-kind, but my heart, for always, would be pledged to him.
Vaysh appeared at dinner, glacial and pale. "I hope the coffin we provided was comfortable enough to meet your requirements?" Phade joked and I began to laugh. Vaysh fixed him with a withering stare.
"It has become a custom of the Olopade, then, to bury their dead in four-poster beds?" he answered, but it was not meant to be funny.
Phade reached out and touched his white hand, which he snatched away instantly. "You really do ask for it, Vaysh," he said, "and what an effort it must be to keep this behavior up. Why not let your hair down for once? I promise not to tell Thiede."
I could tell Vaysh was confused, messing with his cutlery, eyes on the table.
"I don't know what you mean," he said stiffly.
Phade looked at me, and we both grinned. Because of the way he is, it is virtually impossible to resist the temptation to provoke Vaysh. You always long for a reaction. The chinks in his armor are well hidden, however. Only someone very clever or very familiar with him can find them. So Phade and I spent the evening meal slipping lines to each other and laughing at Vaysh's expense. I supposed he noticed it, but he did not care. Maddened by his aloofness, Phade's remarks became rather too brazen. I too began to speculate about what lay within the ice.
CHAPTER FOUR
On the nature of Vaysh and other journeys
Tomorrow we would depart Phade's tower. Traveling; it seemed I spent so much of my time wandering
around. Perhaps I would feel uncomfortable settling down in one place. Once settled, it might be that the past would come back to haunt me with greater strength. I felt as if something hung there in the back of my mind, waiting to tarnish whatever happiness I might find. Is it safer to be unhappy? Nothing ever wants to take that away.
After dinner, I excused myself and went alone to my room. From my window I could see the virgin whiteness rolling out toward a shrouded forest. Mountain peaks rose above it. Would we go that way? I would not be sorry to leave this land. I have always hated being cold, and willingly dropped back the heavy curtains to turn once more to the fire. Phade's servants had prepared me a bath, but the ante-room had no fire and I was reluctant to undress in there. So I changed into a thick night-shirt and sat watching the fire. My hands rested on the padded arms of the chair and I disorientated myself by staring at them. These were not the hands that had worked in the cable fields nor taken up the reins of a horse for the first time. These were not the hands that had rested upon the warmth of another; he that was Cal. Those hands were moldering somewhere in another country. Beneath the ground? Had he burned my remains? He believed me dead and perhaps I was. I did not know how Thiede had brought me back to the world, nor could I tell if I still looked the same. I could not remember! It might be that if I ever met Cal again, he would look at me with the eyes of a stranger. But I was Pellaz inside wasn't I? Confusion; everything was misting up. (This is the boundary; what is behind it does not concern you now. You belong on this side Pellaz . . .) Even the memories of my former life were beginning to become indistinct, especially those of before I was Har.