"I like you, Kruin."
"It's not just that, is it."
"Will you meet me?"
He rubbed his eyes with one hand, sighed. "Alright, but you must tell me what you're up to. I wasn't born blind, Calanthe." I kissed him. "Trust me," I said.
He shook his head, smiling. "I hope I don't regret this," he said, and trudged away, pulling his collar higher up his neck against the cold air.
I learn from him constantly. His goodness rubs off on me like an ointment, into my skin. The blackness just sinks in deeper. Pell has Thiede 's blood in his veins now. Thiede the mysterious; too powerful, too cunning. What interest does he have in Pell? I shouldn 't have let it happen, but Seel thought I was being too paranoid. "Pell will be incepted by Thiede, "he said to me and then couldn't understand my fears. "Won't this be an honor?" "No, a travesty!" a voice screams inside me, but only inside. Now my Pellaz is Wraeththu, but he is Thiede too and I am afraid for him. He possesses a taint of ancient wisdom, a taint of feyness. In the moonlight he appears transparent, touched by death. I am mirrored in his eyes; pure and clean. Oh Pell, we must be together always. Without you, I might go back. No, no, not that, not the darkness, the time of blood. And now I mount the stairs in Seel's house, dressed in white. Dusk is past us; now is the night. I have bathed in milk and perfumed oil. I have been blessed, kissed with sacramental balm upon lips and breast and phallus. My part of the inception is nigh. Pellaz is waiting for me. I have sat for an hour with Seel on the window-sill at the back of the house. The air was warm there. Seel smoked a cigarette, which was torture for me because I could not. Until this is over no stimulant, of any kind, must pass my lips. Seel and I were once chesna; perhaps we were remembering those times, although we did not speak our thoughts aloud. But memory certainly prompted the remark, "He seems so small, Cal, so fragile. Be careful not to hurt him. This is not the City. " I did not answer him. Seel is wrong. I am incapable of hurting Pellaz. Not in that way. Now the bare wood of the stairs is creaking beneath my feet and I enter his room, and shut the world away from us. In our universe Pellaz is a radiant star, luminous skin, lambent eyes, power that leaks from his pores. I have been yearning to touch him for so long, now the moment must be savored, prolonged before I do. His body surrenders for the first time, and I watch him discover the delights of his new being. He forgets he was once human, forgets he was once male. We take aruna and we are invading each other, cautiously and reverently. This is not the city. Zack is dead. My flesh twinges at the memory of the savage bite. I hear laughter, but it is far away. Now I will weep inside because of the simple, giving pleasure we enjoy. There is nothing beyond Saltrock. This is sanctuary. It is not safe to leave. I vow to keep us there.
We will stay in Saltrock for just twenty-two months.
It was my turn to take "zoo duty" again that day. Lolotea was with me. This time, Panthera wasn't tied to the bed. He was still asleep, or pretending to be, flags of dark hair spread around him on the pillows. One Mojag was on guard duty; the other two slumbering peacefully in an adjoining room.
Lolotea gave Panthera a shake. "Wake up. We have to change the bed," he said, beginning to pull at the sheets.
Panthera stretched and looked at me. It was a glance that had my common sense struggling to keep my libido under control. Fluid as quicksilver, Panthera rose from the bed and stalked arrogantly to the window. He must spend an awful lot of time gazing out of that window. How many fruitless plans had been hatched there?
"I'll run your bath," I said.
Panthera did not look at me or say anything, although Lolotea glanced up sharply, shaking his head and smiling to himself. I went into the bathroom with its high, pale walls and started to run water into the pale, high bath. Panthera came in silently behind me.
"Well?" he asked at once, in a voiceless arrow to my brain. "Have you thought about what I said?" He'd obviously been thinking about it, perhaps worried that my answer would be "no."
"I've said nothing to Jafit, if that's what you mean," I answered.
Lolotea must not hear us. We conversed by mind-touch alone. I felt Panthera's uncontrollable relief pass through me like a breeze. He glidedpast me and let his robe fall to the floor. The threat of being struck by blindness could not have stopped me from looking at him; this he refused to acknowledge, although I could tell he derived a certain satisfaction from it. His body is like Seel's, almost too slim, but malleable. He lowered himself into the water and closed his eyes.
"You mustn't stay in here long," he said. "The fool out there might gel suspicious. I have no contact with any of them if I can help it."
I sat down on the edge of the bath. "I have been thinking, Panthera," I said, "and, if I can, I will try to help you. But it won't be easy. Too much for me alone. I'm going to need help from outside Piristil."
Panthera's eyes snapped open. "Who?! Nobody can be trusted."
"You had to trust me."
He sighed. "Alright, but be careful."
"You know you don't have to worry about that. You wouldn't have approached me if you didn't."
"True. Now remember, if we succeed, you will be well paid."
"That is not the only item of concern."
"No, of course not. You want to get into Jaddayoth; preferably into a royal house. See how much I know about you? I have royal blood ..."
"I don't doubt that for a moment, Panthera!"
He smiled. "You're a mercenary, aren't you. You can be bought. Have you made any plans yet?"
"A few sketches. I'm working on it."
Panthera leaned forward with vehemence. "Make it soon!" he said. "I've waited long enough."
I met Kruin in a small tavern near his lodgings. He was sitting at a table in a corner of the room with an ashtray full of cigarette ends on one side of him and three empty glasses on the other. As I sat down, he fumbled to light another cigarette and began to look mournfully at the bar.
"I'll get them," I said, to give him a few more moments to compose himself. I bought him a beer and one for myself. It was warm and rancid, and left an unwelcome deposit of slime in the back of the mouth. I asked Kruin why he was so nervous.
"I prefer you to be ... contained," he answered furtively. "The part of my life you represent should remain locked in Piristil."
"Let's have less of the 'locked,' if you don't mind!"
Kruin smiled at the table, stubbed out his cigarette and lit another one. "Well, why do you want to see me?"
"Maybe I just like you."
"Maybe. Like I said, why do you want to see me?"
I leaned back in my seat; a perilous action, it wobbled dangerously. "Hmmm, now tell me; you are a warrior? Brave, courageous, fearless, all that?"
He laughed. "Calanthe, what is this?"
"Are you?"
"I've escorted three wittering merchants from Natawni, that's all. It's hardly the stuff of heroism. OK, back home, I've been involved in scuffles with the Maudrah, nothing serious. Why are you asking? Are you trying to hire me?" He laughed again, nervously, his eyes scanning the faces in the crowd behind us, in case his traveling companions should show up.
"In a way, yes. When you leave Fallsend, Kruin, I want to come with you."
"What?! No! A kanene? Do you realize . . ."
I broke into his furious splutterings. "Shut up! The minute I leave Piristil, I'm no longer a kanene. In fact, I'm not even one now! Do you understand?"
He looked into my eyes, silenced by the tone of my voice, sighed and shook his head. "You don't look like a whore, Calanthe," he said, at last.
"Good, then stop being so worried about being seen with me."
He pulled an apologetic face. "That obvious?"
"Rather, yes."
"I'm sorry. Let's start again, OK?"
I rejoiced in the moment when my friend Kruin stopped seeing me as meat and started seeing me as har.
"Now then," he said, "I get a feeling it may not be a good idea to get involved in whatever scheme you have in mind. There is some r
eason behind all this, isn't there?"
"Could be that I just want you to take me back to your tribe. Could be that I'd ask to become chesna-bond with you; you're quite a catch, Kruin."
"Yeah, and hard nuts like you don't have any finer feelings, Calanthe. Let's not play games. What is it you want?"
"You're suspicious aren't you!"
"Ever looked in the mirror, tiahaar?"
"At least a dozen times a day, sometimes more, depending on the weather."
"Ever noticed your eyes never smile? That's what tells me to be careful!"
"Survival's a caustic process," I agreed. If his observations were supposed to disquiet me, he was badly misguided. No-one knew more than me how thorough my defences were. "Back to what you were saying," I said. "You're probably right that it might be bad for you to get involved with me. Worse than that it may be terribly bad. You may never be able to set foot in Fallsend again . . . safely."
Kruin raised his hands. "Forget it!"
"Sssh, just listen. There's money to be made ..."
"Oh?" He raised his brows, drank some beer, grimaced. "Go on."
"It concerns the har kept locked in Piristil, you know, Panthera."
"Mmmm." Deeper suspicions began to cloud his eyes. He drank again, lit another cigarette.
"I've been approached, Kruin. Panthera wants out. There's a substantial reward waiting for someone who can get him home."
Kruin did not over-react as I'd expected.
"Too risky, Calanthe. What is this? Social justice on your part? I doubt it! Must be one hell of a big reward!"
"You lack subtlety, Kruin."
"Yeah, maybe. But how the hell do you think we can blast our way through those Mojags? It'll need more than two of us!" He whistled through his teeth, shook his head. "No, Jafit's security is impeccable. It will take more than brute force."
"Well done, Kruin!" I said, somewhat sourly. "The power of seduction) accomplishes far more than blazing guns."
"You've got a plan then? A watertight plan?"
"Are you in with me or not?"
He shrugged. "Tell me how you're going to do it first. I don't see howl you'll get away with it."
"If I set my mind on something, I always get away with it!"
"Convince me then!"
"I'm still working on it. Come to Piristil tomorrow night."
"Again?! This is going to cost me a fortune!"
"But it will be worth it," I said, and leaned forward to pat his cheek.
CHAPTER SIX
The Beauty of Poison
"Sure to taste sweetly,—is that poison too!"
—Robert Browning, The Laboratory
Pell and I are in Galhea. Terzian is lord here and we are in his house. Flashbacks to another time. Terzian is a powerful har. He likes me. He says, "Don't you get sick of traveling around, Cal?" Of course I do, but how can I explain that we are running, just ahead of something and that something is huge and dangerous. We don't even know what it is. "It's because of Pell," I say, and that's all I can say. "We have to . . . keep going. "
"We?" Terzian smiles, "you don't have to surely!" He wants me to stay with him. He wants me to have his sons. Such an offer. This is not a burnt-out wasteland; this is real living. Comfort, security, affluence. But then, there is Pell. And there are memories. It was not easy when Zack and I were kicked out of the Uigenna. I was younger then. We suffered for a while until we reached the sanctuary of the Unneah. Terzian cannot banish me. I don't belong here. He doesn 't own me. This time, when I say no, it will be because I have the power; not him.
"Cal, don't leave me," he says. "Don't." When I am sure he loves me, I walk out of the door. It is not a happy triumph. Empty victory. Pell and I ride toward the south. The clouds are gathering.
I scuffed back to Piristil, through the bleak, moist cold; wrapping my woollen cloak more tightly around me, head down against the wind, sucking on a sour cigarette clasped between rigid fingers. I thought about Panthera. Occasionally honest with myself, I questioned my motives in wanting to help him get away. What he said was true, of course. I did want to leave Piristil, and I did want to get into Jaddayoth, but it is also true that I could probably have persuaded Kruin to take me back to Natawni with him, without the added hassle of liberating Panthera. I am not a person easily bewitched. Not now. I have learned to recognize the sweet, unsubtle pangs of desire when they assault me and never euphemize them with titles of love and longing. I also know that no beauty, however thrilling, is worth risking life and limb for. What the hell am I doing? Money, freedom, desire... I looked up the hill toward Glitter. Narrow buildings seemed to lean toward me, all crippled, all hopeless. A light shone down through the darkness, making the damp streets gleam. It was an arcane, eerie and almost stimulating scene. The town was hushed. I stood for a moment in the empty, almost gully-like street and absorbed the ambience. Perhaps I was waiting for an omen. I looked up, pulling the gray wool closer to my neck. I felt as if I was clamped in the jaws of Fate. I was being manipulated, things were getting beyond my control. It is not a comforting feeling. Very well, if Fate was involved, I would just wait. If it was meant to be, coincidence would bring me a way to free Panthera. "Do your worst," I said aloud. From the darkness of the sky, a single, spiraling mote fell to earth, practically at my feet. I watched its descent, watched its rapid merging with the flesh and bones of Fallsend. "Soon," I thought, "everything will look different." I raised my head once more and the sky above me was creeping with movement. After a moment, I continued to climb the hill. Around me, snow fell silently.
My room was cold when I returned; the fire had died. Winter suffused the place. It was squatting there waiting for me and what chill I brought in with me merged with it eagerly. Before going to find Orpah or Wuwa to light the fire, I crossed the darkened room and glanced quickly through the window, seeking the light in Panthera's room. It glowed as usual, but there were no shadows crossing the bars. Everywhere seemed unusually hushed that evening. The house was too quiet, creaking as if it thought it was alone. I wandered along to the kitchens, thinking only about my fire. Jancis the cook stopped me at the threshhold. "You'd better get back upstairs," he said ominously, with expressionless face.
"Why?"
"There's been an incident. Jafit says everyone is to stay in their rooms for now."I felt chilled. "Incident? What kind of incident? What's happened?"
Jancis began to close the door in my face. He smiled. "A death," he said. "A killing."
"What?! Jancis! Who? Jancis!" The kitchen door had slammed in my face. I heard him turn the key inside. I heard him chuckling.
Panicking, I bolted straight to Panthera's quarters. If anyone was going to get himself murdered around here, he was the most likely candidate. Outher was standing guard outside the door. I feared the worst.
"What's happened?" I asked.
"Trouble!" he answered. "Comes with the job, I suppose."
"Panthera?" I cried, horrified. Outher shook his head.
"Oh, he's alright," he said. "God, as if anyone could get away with murdering him!"
"Can I go in?"
Outher thought about it for a moment. "I guess that'll be alright." He opened the door for me.
I put my hand on his arm. "Thanks, Outher. I appreciate it."
The Mojag actually flushed. "S'alright, Calanthe," he said. "You got a thing going with our pussy cat, have you?"
I laughed, but did not answer.
Panthera was surprised to see me and uncommonly natural because of it. It made me realize what a creature of artifice he can be at times. I asked him if he knew what was going on.
"No," he answered. "All I know is that all clients have been canceled for the night and that two of the Mojags have been summoned to Jafit's office."
"Damn!" I said, annoyed enough to hit the wall. "If only this could have happened later! It's almost too good an opportunity to miss. One Mojag and the house nearly empty! Damn!"
"You mean we could . . . leave now?" Panther
a sounded uncertain.
"We could have, but unfortunately we're not prepared and neither is Kruin."
"Kruin. Who's Kruin?"
I explained. Panthera sat down on the bed. "I hope Ferike and Natawni are on friendly terms at the moment.”
“Things might have changed since I left home."
"Relations that flimsy between the tribes then?"