Every time we talked it got around to the same subject. My character was undesirable. I would have to change. I must publicly speak out against my own past and praise the way that Thiede had made me see the light. And no, there was no chance of my going free. I must recognize my duty to Wraeththu and to the Tigron in particular. Had I no sense of responsibility? In public, I would be allowed to be Pell's colleague, albeit a low-ranking one. I would have to bow to him and call him Lord. In private, well, how could there ever be such a thing. I wouldn't even let myself think about it. In case some small part of me said, Yes, yes, this is what I want! No, no, it was against my nature; impossible! Thiede enjoyed our wrangling; I know he did. Afterwards, my black-eyed companion would try to comfort me, ease the stress from the back of my neck. Maybe I did forget for a little while then. I could see no end to it. I'd wake up and it'd seem like years had passed.
Eventually, I came to be confined within a tower. I'd had enough. I didn't know how long I'd been locked up. One day, Thiede came to see me and he seemed different, just a little tense, watching me carefully. We drank iced wine on the high balcony and I said, "Just let me go, Thiede." I hadn't said that for quite some time, knowing how fruitless it was to bother. I'd made up my mind to throw myself from the tower if things didn't change soon. How long I'd have gone on promising myself that, I cannot guess. Thiede tapped his fingers against his lips, looking down into his wine. "You really want to turn your back on Pell?" he asked casually. Hope leapt in my chest like a crazy bird. "Look, if you let me go, I'll disappear, go away as far as you like," I babbled. "Tell Pell I'm dead; anything! I won't be an embarrassment to you, I promise! No-one will ever know about Pell and me, I swear it! I'll never breathe a word to anyone. You have my word. Take my life if I break it."
Thiede just threw up his hands. "Impossible, I'm afraid! Pell won't ever stop wanting you, looking for you. I have ... er ... spoken to him, Cal. He does know I'm in contact with you. Naturally, he is distressed by some of the things you've done. The
incident in Saltrock springs to mind. But it is beyond me to dissuade him from caring about you. The problem is, I do understand it. Though he and Caeru may be bonded in blood, I am convinced that you and Pell are bonded in soul. I must stress that your only course of action is to do as I suggest; take the Cleansing. Come to Immanion."
"And be there for Pell to play with whenever he feels the need to?" I butted in angrily. "How many times do I have to tell you, Thiede? The answer is no. It will always be no. I couldn't live that life. I need my freedom. I need my self-respect. More than I need Pell. Anyway, I know we could never be happy living like that. It would be nothing like we had before. I'd hate it and so would he, I'm sure. It's better for us to suffer being apart than learning to loathe each other together. I'm right, Thiede, we've both changed. The Pell and Cal that loved each other are both dead. And even the memory of it must die. You can't argue with me; you know I'm right."
He was silent for a moment. "Hmm. Now listen, Cal, I don't think you've quite grasped the extent of Pell's power here," he said wearily. "His word is law. He is your Tigron too, Cal. If he wants you, then I'm afraid he's going to have you. It's against my wishes, I've done all I can to prevent it, but there's nothing I can do to change his mind. I've tried! All I can do now, is nudge events along in the most civilized manner."
"Thiede, it's disgusting and you know it!"
"Oh, I agree, entirely. But Pell has more important things to worry about than this. For God's sake, realize how small you are in comparison and make things easier by doing what I suggest."
"Sacrifice my life for the good of Wraeththu? Forget it! Let me go, Thiede!"
"You will merely delay the inevitable by that." "I can go far away. I've told you!" "Nowhere will be far enough." "I'll hide!"
"You can try—certainly." He smiled at me. "You're a problem, Cal. A bull-headed wild child, if ever there was one. No wonder he loves you! Please think about what I've said though."
"Oh, I do. Every time you say it!" "I admire you. I really do." "Yet you want to change me."
He shook his head. "I can see your side too, you know. You have my sympathy."
"Oh, sure I do. Look what a help it's been!"
He shrugged, stood up. I remained seated, staring at my hands. Thiede took a deep breath, stared out over the countryside.
"You have a good view here, don't you." I didn't answer. I felt him staring at me. "It's your choice," he said, in a silky voice.
"I've had enough, Thiede."
"Yes. I know." And then he left me.
I sat there for a while, finished my drink and then went inside. Everywhere felt strange, deserted. I couldn't find my companion anywhere. I ran down the winding steps to the door that was always locked from outside. The hall looked different that day. No wonder. I'd always seen it in gloom, now it was full of sunlight. The great door was wide open. The tower was empty. Outside, a white horse lazily cropped grass, loaded with supplies. I sat down on the front step and stared at the outside world for several hours. I did a lot of thinking. Pell is my life, but I also knew that what I loved most about him was his innocence, his freedom, his simplicity. I couldn't believe that had survived along with his soul. It was impossible. He was Tigron. It
took some time, and even some guts, but in the end I just walked out of that tower and never looked back. I mounted the horse that Thiede had left for me and galloped it toward the north. Funny how the people you most hate can surprise you with sensitive gestures occasionally. Oh, Thiede understood me, alright. I kept heading north. There was money in the saddlebags; plenty of it to start with. In a week, I was in Thaine, shying at shadows, numbing my sleep with alcohol. I'd been in confinement for many years. Now I was free. No-one had won. There was no victory.
That was when Ferminfex brought me back. I was shaking as if terribly cold, yet my skin was hot. I drank wine and took the cigarette he offered me. "What can I do?" I asked.
Ferminfex kneeled down beside me. "I want you to rest now," he said. "Panthera tells me you've been keeping a sort of diary of what's happened since Fallsend. I'd like to read it while you're resting. Tell me where it is."
I hesitated, but then, hadn't he witnessed my soul already? I told him where it was, and he left me alone, hurrying to fetch it. I lay there feeling like I'd come around after an incredibly serious operation, which could have killed me, but hadn't.
Pages turning. I lay on the couch, watching Ferminfex reading my notes. I could almost tell which parts he was reading by the exclamations he made. A guilty thought stole through me. All of Panthera's secrets were in there too. "Ferminfex," I said, worried, "about your son. He... well, I wouldn't like him to know I've showed you that."
"Don't think I haven't realized some of what Thea's been through, Cal," he replied. "I'm not stupid. This manuscript might be painful for both of us, but I do want to read it; as much to learn Panthera's troubles as help you."
"That's sneaky, Ferminfex!"
"Don't worry. Panthera will never know I've seen this, I promise you." He looked up. "I hope that one day he will want to tell me himself what happened. If he does, I'll tell him how I feel about it, that I'm just glad he got out of there alive. Nothing else matters. I don't think he realizes that."
"He's a proud creature," I said.
"Yes, that's Lahela's blood for you," Ferminfex commented bleakly, although I thought that Ferike austerity was more to blame than Kalamah vanity. No matter what Ferminfex said, I could tell that it still shocked him deeply to learn of his son's humiliations in Piristil. At one point, he looked up at me and said, "I know the taking of life is the worst of crimes, and I wish Panthera hadn't shot Jafit, but for simply one reason: I'd like to have done it myself!" He rubbed his eyes with his hands. "Lahela must never see this," he said. At the end of it, he put his head in his hands.
It was late afternoon. We sat together in silence, me on the sofa, he behind his desk. A knock came on the door. Lahela had sent one of the househara
with a tray of food. I was hungry, and went to sit at the desk once more. Ferminfex stared at me for a moment and then tapped the sheaf of papers with his fingers, smiling wrily. "I must say your feelings for Panthera cause me some concern!"
I squirmed in mortification. "Oh, I wasn't myself when I wrote that," I replied lightly.
"Now don't take that the wrong way! I don't think your blood is tainted. Let's face it, any one of us who was incepted to Wraeththu rather than born to it has shady areas in our past histories. It was just the time for it. You don't strike me as evil, Cal, far from it. Tormented, maybe. What I should have said was, does Panthera return your feelings? I don't want him to be hurt more than he already has been."
"Oh no," I said. "Panthera has no idea I was lusting after him on the journey south. Anyway, I'm sure you'll agree, he's in no condition to return anyone's feelings at present."
"Yes, he needs time, that's true. But anyway, we're here to talk about your situation, not Thea's. Let's just analyze what we know. Since leaving Thiede's tower, you have been plagued by dreams which lately have culminated in two very frightening experiences. You have been aware of being followed, perhaps by this shadow figure from your past . ..."
"I don't understand where Zack fits into all this," I said.
"No, neither do I. Perhaps it is to make you all the more keen to recant your past, I don't know. I think the main question you've got to ask yourself is, who is behind all this? And what is its purpose?"
"Well, that's obvious, isn't it? Pell and Thiede. The purpose; to drag me to Immanion, make life unbearable for me anywhere else."
Ferminfex shook his head. "I wouldn't be too sure of that if I were you. There is something you aren't aware of yet. The message that came over our thought transference unit was very carefully guarded; no visuals whatsoever. But there was no mistaking the fact that whoever sent it wasn't Wraeththu."
"What do you mean?"
"Just this; it was female. Must have been human, of course, but a terribly advanced human."
"Then it's obvious!" I cried, leaning forward, eager to explain. "Maybe I'm not being paranoid about feeling everyone I meet is in on this. The woman must have been Cora. She was the link in the chain before you. I'm being manipulated, nudged in the direction of Immanion."
Ferminfex shook his head. "Oh think, Cal! It can't be Cora. From what you've told me, it's obvious she, or even the girl who lives with her, isn't that far advanced. I'm talking about an incredibly powerful human mind. No, you're wrong about the Gimrah. They have no part in this."
"Then who has?"
He shrugged helplessly. "I can't tell you that. What we've got to remember is that there are powers in this universe stronger than Wraeththu, stronger even than Thiede. Cal, there is more to this than meets the eye. You've got to learn the real reason why it's so important for you and Pellto be reunited. I don't think Thiede revealed more than he had to. I'm only acting on hunches, but ..."
"If I don't black out and lose all this information again!"
"That won't happen."
"Don't be so sure. It's happened before, in Galhea. My mind blotted out crimes I'd committed, Pell's death, everything. It took a blast of power to clear the blocks. Seems I did the same over my imprisonment; I can't trusl myself. My machinery is faulty, somewhere."
Ferminfex didn't agree. "Have you ever thought that is precisely what you're supposed to think. It's obvious why you couldn't tell people; you were prevented from doing so. Hypno-suggestion, mind coercion, any number of ways."
"Then why could I tell you?"
"If Thiede put the block on you, but somebody or something else is behind all this, nudging you to Jael, then maybe the time was right for ... God, I don't know! It's beyond me!"
"What is all the secrecy for then? Why can't I be told? Surely it's just wasting time."
"Mmm." Ferminfex leaned back in his chair and screwed up his eyes in thought. "You're on a journey," he said. "Self discovery? Maybe. Or something more? I agree that you are being driven in certain directions . . ." He sat up. "The message you had, what was it again?"
"Beneath the mountains of Jaddayoth. Is that referring to caves' or a grave do you think?"
"Neither. I believe it's referring to Eulalee, an underground kingdom, home of the tribe of Sahale. Clearly, you've got to go there "
"And if I don't?"
Ferminfex made an exasperated noise. "Look, how can you fight when you don't even know who the enemy is? Don't be ridiculous. Go along with this for a while with your ears and eyes open. The huyana in Jasminia spoke of preparing you for something. He spoke of messages. You've got to face it, don't you see? And look at things another way too. How about Pell? He must know that a relationship with you is impossible at the moment, except under the most excruciating terms. What Thiede says he's demanding is like the demands of a child, and Pellaz-har-Aralis is far from a child, I can tell you! Perhaps Pellaz is being manipulated too. Think about it."
I let myself slump over the table, sighing. "I don't want this. I don't want any of this!"
"Of course you don't," Ferminfex soothed. "You want to make a life in Ferike with my son, don't you? Shall I give my permission for that? Will you do it if I ask you to?" We stared at each other. I shook my head and smiled. "Wait until the spring," Ferminfex continued. "You have plenty of time. We'll talk about this again."
So, it was settled. Come the thaw I would ride into the Elhmen; the only known route to Eulalee. I didn't know what I would find there. Coming out of Ferminfex's study that day, I felt ravished, but renewed. The boil had been lanced at last. That night, I dreamed of Pell, but he was far away.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
What He Learned from the Water
"Though lovers be lost, love shall not"
—Dylan Thomas, And Death Shall Have No Dominion
Life in Jael is conducted at a leisurely, sedate pace. Every morning, the family gathers together for breakfast, and in the evening for dinner. There are two separate rooms for this. Panthera now has two brothers, one hosted by Lahela, one by Ferminfex. There are also uncles and cousins, and cousins' cousins. Everyone carries the refined, attenuated features of the family Jael. Only Panthera, his hostling and his brothers have more of a sensual, languid Kalamah caste to them. Lahela told me he suspects Panthera and I have some kind of relationship (Lahela's italics!). Tactfully put, I suppose. Lahela still knows nothing about what happened to his son in Piristil. Because of this, I don't let on either way if his suspicions are true or not. The sun always seems to shine in Ferike. Every morning, we wake to another frosting of snow upon the trees and in the yard, but all day the sun reflects with hard, crystal brilliance off the land.
One evening, hara from a neighbouring castle came to dine with the Jaels. It was an elegant affair. After the meal, we all sat and listened to some of Panthera's relatives play music in one of the large drawing-rooms. Hara conversed with me in hushed, intellectual tones. I heard one or two disparaging remarks about the Gelaming, which pleased me. Gelaming artists were accused of plagiarising Ferike works. Someone said to me, "The Gelaming strive for originality, wishing to shine at everything, and hoping, I would think, to attract the interest of the royal houses of Maudrah and Garridan, who will pay highly for works of art." The har sniffed eloquently.
I sensed an opportunity to pry. "Ah yes, the Maudrah! I have heard much about Ariaric, their archon."
"Hmm, a charismatic character."
"Was he born in Jaddayoth?"
The har smiled. "Born here? Do you know nothing? I doubt that any of the Maudrah were born here, and let me tell you, they aren't too keen to tell people just where they were born either!"
"Would the word Uigenna have anything to do with that?" I enquireddelicately, but it is impossible to be delicate using that particular word. My companion winced, drew back, and I realized I'd blown it; no more information would be forthcoming.
And so the weeks passed. I drifted into a womblike contentment; everything outside
of Jael had taken on a dreamlike, insubstantial quality. The Ferike spend their time perfecting their artistic talents; painting, literature, music. I used those weeks to rewrite my notes neatly, but Kruin rapidly became bored, being more a creature of action. He was chafing to return home to Natawni. Panthera had closeted himself away in his studio, intent on making up for lost time. I saw him only at meal-times, and often, not even then. One morning, when I awoke, the snow was sliding from the trees and the long icicles hanging from all the windows were dripping into the yard. At breakfast, Ferminfex commented that the thaw had begun. Lahela spoke spiritedly about venturing once more into Clereness and beyond, to restock supplies.