"He laughed. I kept my eyes down and walked with my arms crossed under my breasts. The ocean breeze felt so cool and refreshing. As we drew closer, I stopped and took off my shoes to walk in the sand. He hesitated, laughed and took off his shoes and socks. He rolled up his pants and joined me as we walked toward the water.
"'This is fun. I haven't done this in years,' he said.
"'Maybe that's why there are all these problems,' I muttered.
"'Oh, is that what she's telling you these days?' he asked, pouncing.
"Jade, I told myself, just keep your mouth shut. They're both like dynamite sticks with short wicks. Practically every word I said could be a potential spark.
"'No,' I said. 'You two used to have so much fun together. I just thought that was important.'
"'It is!' he cried. 'But that old adage is true. It takes two to tango. I could make a list as long as my arm of places, events, things I wanted to do for pure enjoyment that she no longer had the time to do or cared to do,' he explained, which was exactly her complaint about him.
"'It's all right; it's all right,' he quickly added. 'If that's who she is, if that's who she wants to be, fine. I wish her well, but I need to have a more relaxed relationship. I'm a creative person. I need to avoid stress,' he insisted.
"I stood on the beach and let the tide kiss my toes. He did the same, but rambled on about how things had changed and why he didn't want this to happen and why he hoped she would become reasonable.
"After a while the sound of the sea drowned him out and I closed my eyes and imagined myself on a sailboat, gliding along in the wind, the spray on my face.
"'We should head back,' I heard him say. 'Jade?'
"'What? Oh. Yes,' I said and followed him up the beach to a faucet where we could rinse the sand off our feet. He gave me his handkerchief to use as a towel.
"As I wiped my feet, I sensed him standing off to the side gazing at me, and when I looked at him, I saw this boyish grin on his face. I raised my eyebrows.
"'What?' I asked with a smile of my own.
"'Nothing. I was just looking at you and thinking how pretty you are. You look a lot like your mother when she was younger, you know. She's an attractive woman, although,' he said with a small smirk, 'that's never been enough for her. It isn't even a viable compliment. She's ready to claw any man who tells her she's pretty. You're not like that. I know you're not. You're going to be all right, Jade. This will all come to an end and you'll be like a cat and land on your feet, don't worry about that.'
"'What about you, Daddy?' I asked him
"'I'll be fine. We'll be fine,' he insisted. He wouldn't consider his future without including me, at least, for now.
"What happens later when either he or my mother win the custody battle? I wondered. Would they both still include me in their lives with such passion?
"I guess what I mean to say is I stopped trusting both of them, trusting what they told me and what they promised."
I gazed at Dr. Marlowe. She nodded softly.
"What I've learned," I continued, "is that once they broke their vows to each other, they lost their credibility with me."
Star was looking at me strangely, as if for the first time she truly understood me. Misty nodded in agreement with me and Cat looked like she was poised to jump up and run from the room. I wondered why what I'd just said had affected her so strongly.
"They lied to each other. Why should I believe them? Ever," I emphasized. "Don't you all feel like that, feel you've been betrayed?"
"I do," Misty agreed.
Cat glanced at Dr. Marlowe and just nodded.
Star smiled softly. "My granny tells me we come into this world without a single guarantee and leave the same way. It's all promises, girl. Take your pick and play your chance."
"Well, I wasn't about to bet on either of them," I said. "I think the therapist making the evaluation has come to that conclusion, too.
"One day soon after I met with Daddy and his attorney, I came home from school and found this woman, Dr. Morton, waiting for me in the living room. Rosina had given her a cold soft drink and she sat with her little clipboard on the settee. As I crossed the hallway, I heard the doctor call my name.
"I paused and looked in at her, curious of course. Dr. Morton is a very short woman, probably an inch shorter than Misty, with very curly, dark brown steel-wool hair, and big almond shaped eyes, beautiful eyes.
"She has a very sincere warm smile. Even if you don't want to be cooperative, you are eventually, and that's because you can see she enjoys her work and sees herself as doing something very critical, almost as critical as heart surgery. She always concentrates on every answer I give her and she looks like she turns all the words around like some diamond cutter, studying, thinking, scrutinizing each syllable. It can almost drive you nuts!" I burst out.
Dr. Marlowe laughed.
"She has a wonderful reputation. Dr. Morton is highly respected," she said.
"I wouldn't want her job," Misty offered.
"It's like King Solomon in the Bible cutting that baby in two," Star said.
"Cutting a baby? I don't remember that," Misty said, "not that I've read much of the Bible."
"He didn't cut it. He said he would when the two women claimed to be the mother. And the one who was the mother told him not to do it. Told him to give the baby to the other woman," Star explained.
"She gave up her child?"
"She'd rather see that happen than the baby dead. That's not so hard to understand."
"My parents would rather see me cut in half," I muttered. Misty spun around to look at me. "I can't help it," I said. "That's how I feel. Stop looking at me like that. I'm not the bad one here."
My stomach tightened again.
"Talk about dynamite sticks:' Star said, looking up at me. "No one's accusing you of anything."
"Yeah, maybe not now, but soon, one of my parents will, the one who loses," I said.
"No, they won't:' Star said. "Your daddy will just accuse your mother of all that poison you mentioned before, or your mother will do the same to him:'
"Maybe," I said, "but I couldn't help being nervous when I answered Dr. Morton's questions, no matter how harmless she made them sound.
"At first she asked me to talk about myself, my daily routine, my interests, my schoolwork. That moved to what life was like in my house, how often I spent time with my parents, how often I was just with my father or my mother and if I enjoyed spending time with each of my parents. She wanted to know how I felt about either of them not spending more time with me, how interested I was in each of their lives, too. I think she was surprised at how little I know about their work. I wasn't even sure what my mother did at her job, and I couldn't explain what my father was working on at the moment.
"Dr. Morton had a way of keeping her attention on me while she jotted notes. I tried to figure out what was important to her and what wasn't, but everything seemed important. Finally, she asked if she could see my room. I took her upstairs and she walked around, looking at my things. Then she started to ask me questions about dolls, clothes, pictures. Who gave me what? How did I feel about it? What was precious to me? Why? Every time she asked me something and I answered, I couldn't help wondering does that help my father or my mother more?
"Then she set up some 'what if' situations for me and asked for my comments," I said.
"What if's?" Misty asked.
"What if your father won custody but your mother won the house, would you mind moving out with him and living with him someplace else? What if you had to leave the school you were in? What if your mother moved out and wanted you to live in a different part of the city? Would I miss my friends?
"Then she asked how I would feel if the court awarded custody to my father and how would I feel if it awarded custody to my mother?
"She was surprised when I said I didn't care.
"'Do you say that because you don't want to hurt one or the other?' she asked.
"I th
ought about it for a moment and said, `No, I said it because I feel like I'm not living with them now so who I live with afterward won't make much difference:
"I remember she just stared at me and then jotted something on her clipboard and told me she might be back when my parents were there, too. I told her to call well in advance. 'I don't even know when they'll be here together,' I said.
"I was deeply in it now, deeply in the quicksand their marriage had become, and I hated it more than ever. Because of Rosina, my parents found out that Dr. Morton had been there and each of them found a way to be alone with me to question me about her and the things she wanted to know. Both were surprised I hadn't mentioned her visit myself, and I could see they each took that to mean I might have spoken against them.
"'What did she want to know about us?' they both asked, but what each really meant was, 'What did she want to know about me and what did you tell her?'
"'She asked me not to talk about the questions she asked me,' I told them, 'not that she asked that much or I said much. She had a lot of questions about the house,' I added. Of course, I made that up.
"I know neither was happy with my replies. I felt as if I was living in a spy school or something, each of them peeping around corners now, listening with one ear to my phone conversations, checking my mail, searching for clues as to what I have said and what I would say.
"It got so I didn't want to go home anymore. I dreaded the evenings and especially the dinners if they were both at the table. I could see the way they analyzed my every comment and soon I hardly said a word, or if they asked questions, I kept my answers to one or two words.
"The funeral atmosphere that I had felt in the house before thickened like fog. I could feel the crisis building, the tension stretching until something was bound to snap.
"The only way to escape the awful tension and avoid dealing with either one of them was to lock myself in my room and disappear into the world beyond my computer screen. I'd used my computer mainly for schoolwork but soon I discovered chat rooms where there were people talking about movie stars or bands I liked."
"Chat rooms?" Star asked.
"You don't have a computer?" I thought everyone had a computer these days.
"Hardly," she said. 'We're lucky we have a microwave."
Misty laughed and even Cat smiled.
"You go on-line and you can talk to people all over the country, all over the world, for that matter?'
"Talk?"
"Well, you don't actually talk. You write and they write back instantly and you carry on
conversations, sometimes with a dozen people at once. Some of my friends are really into it.
"One night, I noticed a private chat room and just sat back and read the dialogues. Most people make up names to use, but sometimes you can tell a little about them from the names they choose, like Metal Man is probably into heavy rock music, understand?"
"I guess:' Star said.
"Anyway, I was reading the conversation and I realized someone named Loneboy had parents who were in a bitter divorce, too. I asked him how old he was and he said seventeen. He said he had a younger brother who was taking the divorce a lot harder than he was. In fact, his little brother was already in therapy because he was acting out, much like you said your brother Rodney was doing, Star, breaking things, getting into fights with other children 4-school, stuff like that.
"Anyway, Loneboy and I exchanged some information and soon afterward, we skipped the chat room and E-mailed each other directly instead. He told me he lived in San Francisco. The more he told me about himself, the more I told him about myself."
"Why didn't you just call him on the phone?" Star asked.
"I don't know. He didn't suggest it and neither did I. I think he was afraid of hearing my voice or maybe me hearing his. He hadn't told me his name yet. I mean his real name:'
"Just Loneboy?" Misty said. "All this time?"
"Yes. I have to admit it was just easier this way. You don't confront the other person as directly. You feel. . . safer:' I said looking at Dr. Marlowe.
"I told him most of what I've been telling you. His home situation was a lot stormier, more like Star's in a way. His mother found out his father was seeing another woman and they got into a bad fight in front of the younger brother who saw his father strike his mother. The police were involved. It went from a domestic abuse case to a divorce. Loneboy liked his father but turned on him when he cheated on his mother and they had words. Later, he and his father had a calm conversation and Loneboy said he didn't hate him as much. He understood a little more about his father and why he had cheated on his mother.
"Still, he was unhappy about what was happening to his younger brother and he blamed his father mostly for that because his mother eventually deserted them."
"Why did she desert her own kids?" Misty asked.
"Maybe she just used the marriage problems as an excuse to run off and do what she always wanted to do anyway," Star suggested.
"That's what Loneboy believed, I think, although his father didn't avoid blame. He said he just felt trapped in the bad marriage and didn't know what to do."
"Didn't you ever find out his real name?" Misty asked.
"Finally, he told me his name was Craig Bennet. He gave me his address too and described his home as one that had been in his father's family for a long time."
"And he already knew your name?" Star asked.
"Yes. I didn't know much about chat rooms when I first started going to them so I just used my real name. After a while, Craig started to give me advice about how to deal with my problems at home. Some of it made sense to me, like advising me to get more involved in the things I liked. He said the best thing for me to do at this point was to be selfcentered, too, to stop worrying about my parents and their feelings and to care only about my own. Just because they messed up their lives, he said, it didn't mean I had to mess up mine.
"'Survival,' he said, 'that's what you should think about and how you won't let them ruin your life with their petty problems.'
"He wasn't all seriousness though; he knew lots of good jokes and our Internet relationship grew stronger and stronger until I had the courage to scan my picture and E-mail it to him. I waited nervously to get his response. It came in one word."
"What?" Misty asked.
"Wow!"
Misty laughed.
"I asked him to send me his picture and he did. He wasn't bad-looking, kind of sensitive-looking, in fact. I didn't sent back 'Wow,' but I told him I thought he was a good-looking guy and he shouldn't worry about finding someone.
"He said he already had. Me.
"I began to feel good about myself again, not that I didn't have lots of boys wanting to go out on dates with me, but none of them really wanted to hear about my problems. Craig seemed so much more mature than the boys at school and what I thought I needed at this point in my life more than anything was a mature, good friend, someone who could understand what I was going through. I was really lucky to find someone who was in a situation similar in many ways to my own."
"Yeah, wonderful," Star said She looked like she was getting bored.
"I'm just trying to explain why I did it," I said.
"Did what?" Star asked.
"Decided that when I ran away, I would run to him. I don't know what I was thinking I guess I got so desperate for good news and good feelings and thoughts, I let my fantasies explode.
"I envisioned being with someone who understood my every feeling and I wanted to shut the door on my life at home, not answer a single question more, not deal with lawyers or judges, and especially not listen to one of my parents downgrade the other with the hope I would agree.
"One night after the custodial assessment had begun and statements were being taken from my guidance counselor, some teachers and family friends, my parents had a particularly bad argument. They each accused the other of backstabbing sabotage with the intention of making the other look like an irresponsible parent. Thei
r attorneys had been sniffing around Doctor Morton's assessment to date and apparently she wasn't very complimentary about either of them.
"'You're trying to get my own daughter to hate me,' my father accused.
"'That's exactly what you hope to do,' my mother responded. 'Fill her head with lies about me.'
"I slammed my door shut and turned up my music to drown out their voices.
"Later, they each took turns coming to my room to complain about the other. I ignored their complaints and reminded each that it was the week of the Honor Society inductions with a ceremony on Thursday night. I was still a member, somehow keeping my grades up, and there was a reception. Everyone's parents would be there. However, my father had to leave for Texas and my mother had already booked herself in Atlanta for a cosmetics convention. Neither had remembered the affair, but what I understood was when my father knew my mother wasn't going to be there and she knew he wasn't, they were both comfortable with not being there. Know what I mean?"
"Neither would look good to Dr. Morton because they both had deserted you," Cat said.
"That's right."
"But what about you?" Misty asked.
"Yes, what about me?"
They waited.
I smiled.
"I decided I wasn't going to attend either. I had another obligation too."
"What obligation?" Star asked.
"My obligation to run away," I said. "And that was just what I did."
5
"It's probably a good time to break for lunch," Dr. Marlowe said.
"I'd rather hear Jade's story," Misty whined. "Speak for yourself, girl. My stomach's
rumbling and her story will still be here when we get back," Star told her. "Jade could use the rest, I'm sure," Dr. Marlowe said.
I wasn't hungry, but it was a good idea to stop for a while. When I rose, I felt as if I had been running, not sitting. Riding a roller coaster of emotions, even only in memory, was exhausting.
On a table on the closed-in patio, Emma had set up a buffet of cold cuts, cheeses, some salad, bread and rolls. There was a variety of cookies, too.
"I changed my mind," Misty said when she set eyes on it all, "I'm glad we stopped for lunch."