Shit. They were back to Spencer. “I think asking is traditionally the man’s role.”
“I never asked you to ask me.” She flushed, her skin going a lovely shade of pink as she glanced down at his erection. “Can’t you do something about that?”
He grinned. “I certainly can if you’ll come back to bed.”
“Be serious for a minute, Dax. You just talked about marriage. I thought I made myself clear last night.”
He didn’t like the way this conversation was going. He sat up, trying to ignore his still-hard cock. “Yes, we were clearly together. Last night meant everything to me. It was a promise between lovers.”
“It was inevitable because we are really good in bed together. We’ve always had combustible chemistry, but I’m not ready to marry you for it.”
His first impulse was to lash out at her for rejecting him. The pain felt too familiar. Was this her form of revenge against him for marrying Courtney? She’d been the one to break faith with him, shove him aside. She hadn’t trusted him.
Why was she making him into the bad guy?
He jumped to his feet and grabbed his pants, beyond ready to have it out with her. After last night, after all they’d been through, she thought she could dismiss him?
Then he looked at her—really looked at her. She stood there so proud and tall, chin lifted, shoulders straight. If he simply took her at face value, she seemed cold. But he knew better.
He’d once made the mistake of hearing her words but not really listening to her. It had cost them three years.
He refused to make the same mistake again.
“Coward.”
She frowned. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not afraid of you. I’m simply not interested in a long-term thing. Not with you. Not with anyone.”
He was going to have to be patient with her, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to call her out. If he let her, she would hide forever. He didn’t have that long. “Anyone? Sweetheart, this is about us. It’s all about me and how I hurt you. I could go into the ways you hurt me, too, but that would be counterproductive.”
“No, please tell me all the ways I hurt you.”
He didn’t bother with his pants. He wouldn’t need them. This wasn’t going to end the way she thought it would. He had zero intention of giving up. “You left me. Being apart from you hurt me deeply.”
“Forgive me if I doubt that. You were married twenty-four hours later.” She clutched the sheet like a shield. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Oh, it matters.” He stalked toward her. “A great deal. To both of us.”
She took a step back, her eyes taking on a wary cast, as though she realized he intended to meet this problem head-on and demolish this barrier between them.
He stalked closer, need and instinct thrumming through his blood. Oh, he was about to teach her that he wouldn’t fight fair. This was the most important battle of his life and he had no problem playing dirty.
“What are you doing, Dax?”
“What I should have done that day. I should have listened to my gut, Holland. You stood there and explained all the ways you’d betrayed me. Do you know what my instincts said to do?”
She stepped back again and gripped the sheet she’d wrapped around herself. Her response came out in a sweet, breathy gasp. “No. I don’t.”
She could stand tall all she liked. The truth was in her tone. Slightly breathless. Trembling. And her eyes. The windows to her soul looked open and vulnerable.
“My every instinct told me to get you into bed. You can’t lie to me in bed.”
“I’m not lying to you.” She edged back again and she hit the door. Now he had her cornered. She had nowhere left to run. “I’m not ready to think about a future with you. Not now. Maybe not ever.”
The words hurt, but he knew where they were coming from. He had to view this through her eyes, because his point of view wasn’t the only one.
A realization struck him with a forcible whack upside the head. If he intended to love Holland, really love her the way she deserved to be loved, he had to bend and compromise. Gabe and Connor had already been through this. They’d learned to force their own needs and fears aside to deal with their women.
In the past, he would have stormed out of the room, hurt and aching and in search of a bottle. Now he simply eased closer to her because distance between them didn’t solve anything. He didn’t leave her any space, simply pressed his body against hers until the only thing separating them was that silly sheet she thought was protecting her.
She would never need protecting from him but Dax understood why she thought she did. He’d savaged her before. He’d taken everything meaningful and tossed it aside. She’d had a hand in it, too, but he’d committed the real crime.
“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart,” he vowed, sliding his hand along the nape of her neck. “Not ever again, so you don’t have to worry about that. I’m going to be here today and tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that. The future is going to take care of itself. And I’m going to take care of you.”
“It won’t work. I’ve always known it can’t.” Tears sheened her eyes when she shook her head. “I wish it could.”
He pulled her close, offering her the comfort of his body. “Then we’ll live in the moment. If it doesn’t work, we’ll have had this time together.”
“You don’t mean that,” she accused, but she let go of the sheet and wrapped her arms around his waist. “You’re telling me what you think I want to hear.”
He chuckled because she really did know him. “I am indeed. I’m telling you that because you’re scared, but I know that I’m going to love you forever. I’m never going to leave again.”
She lifted her chin. Light slanted in, illuminating the sadness in her eyes. “But I will. Do you remember that day? Joy’s wedding. You said if I could kiss you and still walk away, you would let me go. I’m going to walk away at the end of this, Dax. I can’t do this with you again. I know you think you can promise me the world, but I don’t trust anything anymore.”
Then he would make her believe. But now there was no point in arguing—at least not with his words.
He kissed her. “If all we have is the next few days or weeks, I’m not going to waste them.”
He cupped her breast, his cock lengthening against the soft curve of her belly. She sighed, her head falling forward onto his shoulder.
“I won’t fight you. As long as we’re working together, I’ll be in your bed. I don’t want to fight about that. But I will walk away. I don’t want to hurt you, but when this is over so are we.”
He would see about that. He had days to convince her and he knew one surefire way how.
He took her mouth in a long, luxurious kiss. He would never let her go. When this mission was over, he would still be by her side. She would want him there. He would make sure of it.
“I made that deal with you a long time ago,” he whispered against her lips. “I was a different man then. You should know I’ll fight dirty this time. I’ll fight for us, Holland.”
He picked her up and carried her back to bed.
“There’s no fighting,” she said as he laid her down. “I told you, I’ll be your lover while this lasts.”
She was so stubborn and she would try to hold out until the very end. Dax intended to make that utterly impossible.
“Then I think I should get my way, don’t you? If I’ve got so little time, I should definitely have you any way I want you. Get on your hands and knees, sweetheart.” He moved to the bedside table where he’d tucked the condoms in the drawer.
“What are you doing?” Hesitation halted her voice, but she obediently turned over and rose to her hands and knees, leaving that glorious backside in the air.
So fucking pretty. He ran a hand over her cheeks and down to her pussy. She was already warm and wet for him. He tested her, sliding a single finger through her labia. “I’m goin
g to make you scream for me. Look at that. You’re already ripe and ready.”
“How do you do this to me?” She bowed her head, blond hair brushing the mattress, in a sign of surrender.
“The same way you do it to me. Do you honestly believe I walk around with an erection all the time? Not even when I was a kid.” He found her clitoris with lazy fingers and circled it, watching the way she arched and squirmed. “Only one woman can get me hard and ready just by walking in a room. The right woman. You.”
Holland moved her hips in time with his rhythm, mewling like a pretty little cat in heat. “It feels so good. I know I shouldn’t give in, but I can’t help it.”
And that was exactly what she was afraid of. She wasn’t in control with him. He had to teach her that was all right. He wasn’t in control with her, either, but she was a safe place. They didn’t need control with each other. They needed to let go and simply be.
“Do you want to come, sweetheart?”
“Yes,” she whimpered. “I need it.”
“And I need to watch you. I love watching you climax. I love the way it feels when you’re wrapped around my cock and you finally let go. Don’t come yet. Not without me.” He aligned his stiff flesh with her slick opening and pressed in with slow, short thrusts.
He loved how tight she was, how right she felt. No matter how many times he had her, he always had to fight his way inside. But once he did . . . they always fit together perfectly.
Holland’s breathing turned shallow. She cried out his name as she shoved her hips up in silent entreaty, offering herself to him.
He gripped her hips and gave her what she wanted, sinking a bit deeper with each little move. She felt different from this angle and he loved that he could see how he affected her through the way she clutched the railing of the headboard, arched her spine to take more of him, and tossed her head in pleasure. Her whole body was taut and wanting. She wasn’t thinking about all the ways he’d hurt her now. She was simply lost in the moment with him.
He would change her mind. He had to. He couldn’t live without this woman.
I love you. He said it silently because he hadn’t earned the right to say it out loud yet.
He used her hips to pull her back as he began to fuck her in earnest. She wouldn’t accept words of love from him so he let his body do the talking. He worshipped her, caressing her softly, bending to press a kiss to her back, whisper words against her neck. More than once, he took them both to the edge of climax and then dragged them back because he wanted this to last. He never wanted his time with her to end.
She rocked with him, shoving her hips back and taking him as deeply as she could. She fought for her pleasure, and it excited him like nothing else could. Somewhere deep down, like that heart she didn’t want to acknowledge, she wanted him, too.
When he couldn’t hold out a second more, he reached around and found her clitoris again, giving it a firm rub as he delved even deeper inside her.
Holland gasped and pushed back against him, the muscles inside her core tightening deliciously.
He couldn’t stop the freight train of desire. A tingle began at the base of his spine, then shot through his body. Dax could have sworn he exploded with pleasure. As climax hit, she turned him inside out and flattened him. With a long groan, he gave her everything, gritting his teeth with the effort to hold himself deep and stay inside her as long as possible.
When he had nothing left, he fell on top of her, not even thinking to keep his weight from her. They landed in a tangle of arms and legs. It was exactly where he wanted to be.
And where he intended to be when everything was over—right here with her.
SEVENTEEN
Holland was still shaken as she sat down to breakfast. Luckily, tinfoil hadn’t been the only thing Freddy had brought back with him. The conspiracy theorist apparently didn’t believe that meat was murder. He’d brought a pound of bacon that he’d cooked up, much to Lara’s displeasure.
Connor had been sneaking pieces of bacon all morning.
And all she’d been able to dwell on was the fact that Dax had mentioned marriage.
She shouldn’t let herself even think about it, much less hope again. How was she supposed to trust him? He said all the right things, but the minute the chips were down would he turn to the nearest available woman and run off to Vegas again?
She’d told him she could forgive him, but was she fooling herself? She didn’t want to be Dax Spencer’s second wife when he’d gone into his first marriage with such a cavalier attitude. What did marriage really mean to a man who could do that?
“So we’ve had some overnight developments. Mostly because Freddy doesn’t sleep,” Connor said, pouring her another cup of coffee.
She was so ready to focus on anything besides her love life. “You don’t sleep?”
Freddy shrugged. “Not much. That whole eight-hours-of-sleep thing is a myth perpetrated by the mattress companies and big pharma.”
“Freddy’s very wary of big pharma,” Lara acknowledged. “But he’s also really good at digging up stuff other people can’t find.”
“Like records of Admiral Spencer visiting a psychiatric hospital in the English countryside. He requested records there,” Connor added.
That had her sitting up straight. “Records for who?”
“A patient named Jane Downing,” Freddy explained. “But I highly suspect that’s an alias. The hospital is known for being a hideout for the wealthy and insane. It’s small, with a high employee-to-patient ratio. They employ a gourmet chef.”
“Is anyone thinking what I’m thinking?” Dax strode in, tucking in his shirt. His hair was still wet from his shower.
“If you’re wondering if Jane Downing was actually Constance Hayes, then yes,” Holland replied.
She didn’t like to think about how close she’d come to climbing into that shower with him just to feel him wrap his arms around her again. The impulse had been there. She’d thought about inviting him into hers. Instead, she’d locked the door. She’d needed time, a little space.
“We’ve put a call into Zack,” Lara explained. “And we’ve got Everly trying to check some other rehab centers or mental hospitals to see if that alias comes up. We know she went on a couple of ‘vacations’ that were actually stays in a place like this. Not that any of them took.”
“Everly?” The name suddenly rang a bell. “Gabe’s fiancée? Sorry, I’m still getting used to the guys actually having women attached to them for more than a night or two.”
Lara smiled. “Everly is wonderful and she’s really good at getting inside computer systems . . .” She cleared her throat. “I mean at investigating.”
So Gabe was marrying a hacker. “As long as she’s not hacking the military, it’s not my jurisdiction. Besides, sometimes you’ve got to break a few rules to find justice. Every good cop knows that.”
Lara sighed. “Thank god.”
“She says that because she hasn’t always been on the up-and-up, have you?” Connor eyed his wife with a ghost of a smile on his lips. “Little criminal.”
“I have not. Anything I ever did was to expose criminal activity,” Lara replied primly.
“She’s scared that because you’re a fed, you’ll arrest her,” Freddy said with a grin. “I think she was right the first time around. You’re a Mulder.”
“I’m a what?”
Lara waved it off. “Freddy has this idea in his head that all government employees are either Mulders or Smoking Men. He’s watched way too much X-Files. Mulder was the one after justice, you see. He was the one who believed. And the Cigarette Smoking Man was evil, always involved in lots of bad things. So him calling you a Mulder means he likes you.”
Awesome. She gave him a smile because he was actually kind of interesting, in a weird way. “Thanks. I’m glad you don’t think I’m the other sort. So what are we doing while we wait for Zack to call back? I have some ideas about how to track d
own Peter Morgan.”
Dax sat down across from her. “My father’s aide-de-camp? I thought everything surrounding him was classified. We’re not hacking Navy personnel files. I’ve got Roman looking into it. They can’t find his current address.”