Page 17
Author: Nyrae Dawn
“You warm enough, baby?” I asked her. Funny how one little phrase can ignite reactions faster than my blazing fire. Aspen blushed, Pris sighed, and Jaden snorted. Whatever. I only cared about one response. She nodded as I sat down beside her.
The sun slipped behind the ocean a few minutes later, so we went ahead and roasted some hotdogs on the fire for dinner. It was our last night here, so Aspen and I managed to talk Jaden and Pris into a truce of sorts so we could spend the night together. The beach was dead, leaving nothing but flames, waves, a dark night, and the four of us.
“What do you guys want to do?” Aspen asked. I sat behind her, with her between my legs, her back against my chest. I squeezed her tighter trying to tell her that I just wanted to be close to her. Pris looked over at Jaden, their blankets were beside each other while Aspen and I shared one.
“Hey, remember that time we all went camping with Aspen’s parents?” Pris asked.
“Dude, so glad we didn’t end up with tofu dogs this time. ” Jaden laughed.
“What was that story her dad told us? Remember the claw man or whatever and this punk over here,” Pris tossed a glance at Jaden, “decided to try and scare us in the middle in the night. ”
“Try? You screamed like a little girl. ”
“That’s not because we thought you were the claw man! It’s because you freaked out when you thought you heard a bear and got tangled in our tent! Try being asleep when your tent falls on top of you, with a screaming boy thrashing around in it!” I felt Aspen’s laugh vibrate my chest as she spoke.
“There were bear warnings on the damn table! How was I supposed to know Aspen’s parents were going to be outside being all one with nature, in the woods, in the middle of the night? Her dad’s big. He could pass for a bear. ” Jaden mumbled the last part.
“Oh yeah!” I laughed. “Daddy Peace with his tie-dyed shirts and peace and love attitude could totally pass for a bear. Scary. You almost pissed your pants, Jay. ”
“My life, like, flashed before my eyes and shit. ” You could hear the pout in his voice.
I don’t know where it came from, but I felt the urge to keep talking. Jaden was my boy and even though I gave him shit like the girls, I also gave props where props were due. “He was scared, but as soon as he fought his way through the tent, the first thing he told me was to get the bear’s attention so we could steer him away from you guys. ” I kissed Aspen on top of the head. She squeezed my hand in return. Everyone was quiet for a minute, until I spoke again. “Would have been a good plan if we didn’t accidently run Aspen’s mom down when we tried to save you girls. ”
We all started laughing. It felt good, holding my girl and laughing with my friends. I wouldn’t trade this minute for anything. Sneaking in girls’ rooms, making out at parties, flirting and playing games, they had nothing on this moment. Damn I’m sweet, I thought.
“What?” Aspen asked, turning in my arms to look at me.
“What, what?”
“You chuckled. ”
I did? “Nothing. Just thinking about how cool I am. ” She rolled her eyes at me. “And how lucky. ”
She leaned up and kissed me. It went straight to my head, making me dizzy and sweaty, and yeah, I’ll admit it, horny.
We sat out there for hours. Lame as it sounds, we made s’mores and told ghost stories. The girls tried to get a game of truth or dare out of us, but Jaden and I took a stand. There was only so much cheese we’d allow in one night. We talked, laughed and the only time I didn’t have Aspen in my arms was when I replaced her with my guitar. Apparently, I couldn’t deny her anything. I played a few songs, more than I’d planned, but girls love music and the way Aspen looked at me when I played? I’d play all night for that look. It was like she touched me and I’ll tell you, I definitely hungered for her touch.
Around midnight we doused the fire and headed back home. What a perfect night. My three best friends in the world were there and even Pris and Jaden got along. As we got ready for bed, I knew it would only get better. She wore a pair of little flannel shorts and a tank top and I climbed into bed in nothing but my basketball shorts. I put my hand on my cheek, leaning on my elbow and looked down on her.
“This weekend has been perfect,” she whispered. I felt her breath against my skin and it made me shiver.
“Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about tonight. ”
She sighed. “I’m happy, Bastian. ”
The moonlight shined bright enough in the room that I could see her face. “You’re beautiful. ” I told her and meant it more than anything.
“You just want to get some. ” She laughed.
“Damn it. You figured out my plan!” We both laughed. “Really though, it’s not about that. ” I used my free hand to brush the side of her face with my fingers. “Okay, so it’s kind of like I won the lottery, ya know? You’re my best friend. Always have been and always will be, but now I can say you’re my girl, too. I just want you to know…” I shrugged. What did I want her to know? I had no idea what I was saying. “That I know how lucky I am and that I think you’re pretty amazing. ”
“You’re amazing, too. ” Her voice was all wobbly. Shit. The last thing I wanted to do is make her cry. Happy tears or not, girls crying freaked me out. I always felt like I should do something, but half the time never knew what to do.
“Well, we knew that. ” I smiled and then I kissed her. Her arms wrapped around my neck and did that hair thing that I now freakin’ loved. My mouth pressed to hers harder, not rough, but wanting to get as close to her as possible. Rolling over, I rested on top of her, lost in the feel of her. Did I say it was like I won the lottery? Even that had nothing on the way she made me feel. Our mouths learned each other’s, molding together, teasing and tasting. I let my hand ghost under her shirt, going slow so I didn’t miss any signal if I needed to stop.
“It’s okay,” she whispered so I kept going. Brushing the bottom of her breast. I didn’t go any farther. Of course, I would have if she’d told me she wanted to, but I was happy just letting my tongue twine with hers and to tease her soft skin.
When I pulled away, still letting my fingers play with her hair like they were the strings on my guitar, I talked to her until she fell asleep. It was so small, that it could feel like nothing to someone else, but to me, it was epic.
***
I slipped out of Aspen’s arms and grabbed my vibrating cell phone. My mom’s number flashed across the screen. Sneaking out of the room, I clicked the talk button, trying to sound a cool as I could. I definitely wasn’t supposed to be sleeping with Aspen hours away from home right now.
“Morning, Ma. ”
“Hey, kiddo. Are you having fun with Jaden?”
My whole body tensed. She’d been crying. I knew that crack in her voice. The fake, syrupy sweetness that she tried to use to cover her pain. “What’s wrong?” I asked, going out onto the porch.
“Nothing, honey. Just wanted to check on you. ”
My whole body still felt tight. “Ma, I know you better than that. What happened?” Funny how your heart could race the same way when you’re excited as it did when you were scared.
“It’s nothing you need to worry about, Bastian. It’s just…Roger and I broke up. I didn’t call to talk about that though. I wanted to check on you. ”
I’d kill him. My hand fisted my phone tightly. How could he go from wanting to propose to her to breaking her heart this quickly? It was always the same thing. “Are you okay?” This time it was my voice that cracked.
“Just tired. ” She sighed. “Tired of screwing up, of hurting. I just want to talk to my boy. You always have been and always will be the best thing in my life. ”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t want her to hurt. I didn’t want to hurt, but it always happened this way, didn’t it? I fought tears. I couldn’t let myself punk out like that. What did it ever
help? So I talked to her, made her laugh the way I always did when she was upset, wondering what made her think this was worth it? Didn’t she just say this time was different? And Roger, the asshole. He’d said he loved her. What a joke. And they’d made me fall for it, too. How was this worth it? Hook-ups were so much easier than this.
How did I know I wouldn’t be like Roger, or my dad, or all the other guys in the past and just change my mind? I thought I loved Aspen, but what if I didn’t? What if I kept this going and hurt her? I hated the crack in my mom’s voice, the tears she tried to hide behind her words. I wanted to protect her and failed, but I wouldn’t with Aspen. Even if I had to protect her from me. One weekend would be easier to get over than if we kept this going. My fists clenched as I felt a weight in my chest.
When I got off the phone, I woke everyone up and told them we had to leave. She kept touching me and trying to talk to me and even though my fingers still pricked from the feel of her skin beneath mine, I kept my distance.
My whole body hurt, a heavy ache pressing down on my chest the whole drive home. They’d all stopped asking what was wrong about halfway. I was sick to my stomach and deserved it. I deserved much more than that.
I followed Aspen through her empty house and up to her room when we got back home. I fought the urge to run, but I wasn’t a coward. I’d man-up and do what was right.
“Is everything okay?” she asked, trying to pull me into a hug when we got into her room.
I looked down at her, and that sexy blush on my best friend’s face. I almost told her no, the words begged to fall from my mouth, but I didn’t. I was doing this for her. She trusted me and crazy as it sounded, this was my way of deserving that trust by giving us an out before we got in too deep, and it hurt even more when things unraveled. “Um, not really. Aspen, I…” Come on, Hawkins. Do it. “It’s over. ”
Chapter Thirteen
Was it possible for words to singe your tongue? That’s how it felt. Like it burned, and left a gross taste in my mouth. It wasn’t over, except, I’d just made it that way, hadn’t I? And I wouldn’t take it back. I couldn’t.
Aspen stepped away from me and I crossed my arms so I wouldn’t be tempted to pull her close again. “What do you mean?”
“Us. ” I shrugged. “This whole thing. I mean, not our friendship,” I quickly tried to clarify. I couldn’t lose her completely. “The other part though. It wouldn’t work, so why prolong it?”
“Actually, I thought it was working pretty well!” Her voice was hard. I hated hearing it directed at me that way. “Sorry that our weekend together was too long for you!”
I squinted my eyes and rubbed my forehead. I hated this, but I had to do it. “This is coming out wrong. I just…the long term thing just never works and if we keep going, then someone is going to get hurt. ” Couldn’t she see I was doing the right thing?
Aspen poked my chest. “Too late for that. You promised me I wasn’t like the rest of them, Sebastian and I trusted you. The long term thing doesn’t work because you don’t want it to!” She stepped farther away from me, hugging herself. I wanted to pull her closer to me. My arms should be comforting her, not her own, but I knew that would just make it worse.
“You’re not like the rest of them, Woodstock. I--”
She cut me off. “Don’t call me that. ”
I’m not going to lie, that hurt. I’d called her Woodstock since we were kids. I didn’t get why she didn’t understand that I just didn’t want to hurt her in the long run. “I don’t want things to be messed up. This relationship thing never goes the way it’s supposed to. I’m trying to save us from dealing with that. Can’t we just be us again? Aspen and Sebastian?”